Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ The Lawfully Elected Steward of Gondor ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight: The Lawfully Elected Steward of Gondor

 

[The camera pans around showing Luigi, Knuckles, and their mount, Yoshi, running through forests and plains. This continues for several minutes, and at one point, they pass a sign for the “New Zealand Tourist Commission”.]

 

Luigi: We have-a entered the-a realm of-a Gondor!

 

Knuckles: Have we reached Minas Titty yet?

 

Luigi: Tirith. The-a city is-a called Minas Tirith.

 

Knuckles: Someone told me that…I can't remember her name, but I know she had huge gazoombas, and a really, really, tight a-

 

Luigi: We-a have reached the-a city of-a Minas Tirith!

 

[The camera pans around showing the city. For the next 10 minutes we see shots of different angles as the two ride up the seven parts of Minas Tirith. Finally, they reach the top of the city and disembark Yoshi. As they walk to the main entrance, they pass a withered three, surrounded by guards.]

 

Knuckles: (real loudly) Hey! That's the wood that I saw in Mario's ball!

 

[Several of the guards turn and look at Knuckles. Luigi quickly grabs Knuckles and drags him towards the door. The camera sticks on the guards.]

 

Guard 1: Gaaaaaayyyyyy….

 

[The camera switches back to Knuckles and Luigi, who are both standing in front of the huge door that leads to the royal chamber.]

 

Luigi: Inside is-a the royal chamber, where-a the Steward watches over-a the city, until the-a return of-a the king.

 

Knuckles: Oh.

 

Luigi: I-a would ask you to-a not mention the-a Ring, or-a Eggman.

 

Knuckles: Oh.

 

Luigi: Actually, you should-a just shut up and-a not talk at-a all.

 

Knuckles: (silence)

 

Luigi: Exactly.

 

Knuckles: Oh.

 

Luigi: Agg…this is-a getting nowhere, in-a we go!

 

[The door swings open, and Luigi and Knuckles walk down a long marble coated hall, filled with statues of ancient kings. As the camera pans along, it comes to a rest on the throne and the seat of the Steward of Gondor: former Vice-President Al Gore. He is staring down at a voting ballot in his hands, a ballot covered in dangling, dimpled, and pregnant chads. Luigi stops a few feet in front of Al.]

 

Luigi: Greetings, Stewards, I-a come with-a important messages and-a whatnot.

 

[Al doesn't look up from the ballot.]

 

Luigi: Also, I-a come with-a counsel.

 

[Al still doesn't react.]

 

Luigi: Oh come on! I spent-a three days riding-a here on-a the back of-a some freakish lizard-a with a retarded echidna, and-a now you-a won't even talk to-a me?

 

[Al finally looks up.]

 

Al: Perhaps you have come to explain to me why I lost the election.

 

Knuckles: Dude! That was four years ago! Get over it!

 

[Al and Luigi turn to Knuckles.]

 

Knuckles: And honestly, the thing with the chads? Why don't you stick the chads up your ass?

 

Luigi: Shut-a up!

 

Knuckles: Or what? This Democratic pussy is going to put me in a lockbox?

 

Luigi: (talking to himself) Not a bad idea at-a all…

 

Al: I call upon the Great Creed of Al, Volume 7, Book 23, Chapter 605, Article 3124, Paragraph 29, Sub-Section B, Line 864, Words 456-532, as written be me, Al Gore, Lord King God of all living creatures.

 

Knuckles: What?

 

Luigi: He is-a using the law that-a declares that all who-a say the-a word “lockbox” must-a serve him unto eternity.

 

Knuckles: Oh fuck…

 

Al: See what happens to those who mock the pain of Al, God of all mankind!

 

Luigi: Al, I-a know you-a suffer, but-a still, there are-a more important-a things to-a attend to! War is-a coming! You must-a build an-a army! You must call Duff Man King, he will-a come to-a your aid!

 

Al: Luigi…you think you're so smart! But I know more than you think! You would use me as a lockbox against the enemy, but then you would replace me with George W. Bush!

 

Knuckles: Is he fucking crazy or what?

 

Luigi: George W. Bush is-a not even in-a this movie.

 

Al: Oh…I see…but you would replace me with Eggman! As if it wasn't bad enough that I lost to a retarded Texan nicknamed “Dubya” who can't even pronounce the word “nuclear” correctly, I'm going to be replaced by a maniacal fat ass! (suddenly starts to spaz out) I AM THE ONLY RULER OF THIS CITY! YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! IT'S MINE! AND SCREW ANYONE ELSE! SCREW YOU ALL! WORSHIP ME AND MY CHADS OF DOOM! FEAR THE LOCKBOX, MORTALS!

 

[Luigi and Knuckles stare as Al Gore continues to rant, spitting all over them and tossing chads all over the throne room. With a disgusted look, Luigi and Knuckles leave Al Gore to his ranting. {Author's Note: Let me be clear, the description of `Dubya' as seen in Al Gore's speech is what he thinks, so I apologize if any Republicans feel offended. However, if you are a Democrat and are offended by my representation of Al Gore, go screw yourself. Write your own damn “Lord of the Rings” parody.} The camera cuts to a balcony of the city, at night time. Luigi is looking off towards Mordor, while Knuckles looks at the armor he's been given.]

 

Knuckles: Snap! I get a cool sword! I can finally get this food out from in-between my teeth.

 

[Knuckles grabs the sword from the pile of armor, and slams it into his mouth, trying to loosen some food from between his teeth.]

 

Luigi: Well, how-a do you-a feel now that you are-a part of-a the-a elite `Lockbox Legion'?

 

Knuckles: (throws the sword back on the pile of armor) Kinda horny, to be honest.

 

Luigi: Okay, I-a didn't need to-a hear that.

 

Knuckles: So…ahh…any chance Sonic and Tails can destroy the Ringâ„¢ and we won't have to fight?

 

Luigi: Probably not…I-a don't think anyone ever-a thought Sonic would succeed.

 

Knuckles: So, when will all the fighting start?

 

Luigi: Soon…the-a enemy is great. He is-a assembling legions of-a warriors. All of-a them have-a one goal, the-a destruction of-a Minas Tirith. Here, his-a combined might will-a land. If-a the-a Mystic Ruins are-a taken, then-a the-a city is-a doomed.

 

Knuckles: But I'm on our side! That has to count for something!

 

Luigi: Yeah…very-a good for-a us. Sauron has-a yet to show his-a most powerful warrior.

 

[As Luigi talks, the camera shows the city of Minas-Morgul, where the Witch King Big is having his armor put on.]

 

Luigi: He is the strongest and-a deadliest of the-a Dark Lord's servants. He is-a the one they-a say no man can-a kill. The-a Witch King, the-a one they-a call Big the-a Cat.

 

[The camera cuts back to Luigi and Knuckles.]

 

Luigi: You've-a meet him before. He-a almost single-handedly ruined-a `Sonic Adventure'.

 

[Flashback to the shitty fishing levels in `Sonic Adventure'.]

 

Knuckles: Oh…that fishing obsessed bastard…

 

Luigi: He is-a the-a greatest of-a the Nazgul.

 

Knuckles: Oh. So we're pretty much screwed aren't we?

 

Luigi: Yes.