Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ The Plunger of Anor ( Chapter 11 )

Chapter Eleven: The Plunger of Anor

 

[The camera shows the battle in the Mystic Ruins, things are going badly for the Rangers. WW Link runs through the city, with Orcs and Rangers tripping over him.]

 

WW Link: Jesus! Can't you people look where you're walking…(slices an Orc) I mean, just because I'm maybe, what, a foot tall, is no (cuts another Orc) excuse for a lack of common courtesy.

 

[WW Link sees a group of other Rangers and walks up to them.]

 

WW Link: Rangers! What's happenin'?

 

[The Rangers don't hear (or see) WW Link.]

 

WW Link: Hey! ASSWIPE! Pay attention to me!

 

[No response from the Rangers. Annoyed, WW Link hacks off the leg of one of the Rangers. The Ranger falls to the ground, screaming and spewing blood all over the place. The other Rangers finally see WW Link.]

 

Legless Ranger: Acck! It hurts!

 

WW Link: Whiner…(to other Rangers) I don't think we can hold the city.

 

Other Ranger 1: Yes. Our forces are being overrun…rectally.

 

WW Link: The fuck was that for? Rectally? Jesus Christ, you guys are sick bastards.

 

[Suddenly, the screeching of the Nazgul fills the air.]

 

A Random Guy: NAAAAZZZZGGGGGGUUULLL!!!

 

WW Link: Oh hell…

 

[Kerrigan, Arthas, and Boris come swooping in.]

 

Arthas: Look at all the sweaty running men!

 

Boris: Pansy…

 

Kerrigan: God, do you two ever stop?

 

[The camera cuts back to WW Link.]

 

WW Link: We can't hold the city any longer…we must flee! Fall back! Fall Back!

 

[As the Nazgul continue to swoop in, grabbing Rangers of the ground, and the Orcs continue hacking and slicing, the Rangers flee the Mystic Ruins. The camera cuts back to a fallen Ranger. He tries to crawl away, but Jacko walks up to him. The disfigured commander grabs a spear from one of the Orcs and slams it through the gut of the Ranger.]

 

Jacko: The age of Man is over. The time of the Little Boys has come.

 

[All of the nearby Orcs take a few steps back. The camera cuts to the Rangers riding away from the Mystic Ruins on horses, trying to reach Minas Tirith. The Nazgul are still in pursuit.]

 

Arthas: Hey Kerrigan! You can get all the men on the right, if I get all the men on the left!

 

Boris: Hey! What about my men?

 

Arthas: PANSY!

 

Boris: Shut up! And Kerrigan can't have any men!

 

Kerrigan: And why not?

 

Boris: Last time you laid eggs in them and they turned into mutant larvae babies, and I HAD TO CLEAN THEM UP! IT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING!

 

[The Fell Beasts dive into the fleeing Rangers, picking them up and dropping them from hundreds of feet in the air. Upon contact with the ground, they split like little pinatas. Pinatas of DEATH. The camera cuts to Minas Tirith, where Luigi is riding out on Yoshi.]

 

Random Dude: Hey! It's the Blue and Some Green Rider!

 

[Luigi pulls a plunger out from his cloak.]

 

Luigi: I-a call upon the-a power of-a the Plunger of Anor! Send-a these beasts back to-a the abyss!

 

[Suddenly, a strong brown light comes from out of the plunger. Luigi shines the light at the Nazgnl. As the light shines on them, music starts. It sounds like some girl singing, and then you realize with fear, that it's actually a dude singing.]

 

Arthas: Oh shit! That burns!

 

Kerrigan: I don't believe it! He's blinding us with a solid beam of crap!

 

Boris: Cheating American pig swine!

 

Luigi: By-a the power of-a Italia I-a send you back to-a your master!

 

[The beam engulfs the Nazgul, who fly off, and Luigi joins the column of Rangers, who head into the city. Inside the city, all the surviving Rangers gather in the central square.]

 

Random Dude: It is just as Al predicted! Evil would befall us, due to the failure of his son!

 

WW Link: Hey! I'm not a failure! I'm just small and cell shaded…

 

[Luigi rides up to WW Link, followed by Knuckles, still burnt from the gas explosion.]

 

Luigi: Link, how-a many Rangers survived the-a attack?

 

[WW Link stares at Knuckles for a second. Luigi notices.]

 

Luigi: This is-a not the first humanized animal creature that has-a crossed your-a path…

 

WW Link: No…

 

Knuckles: (excited) You've seen…err…who are we talking about?

 

Luigi: Sonic and-a Tails, stupid. Where-a did you see them?

 

WW Link: They were in the Mystic Ruins, about three days ago, skewered to stakes, their flesh peeled from their very bones.

 

Luigi: What?!

 

WW Link: You wanted to know where Tonic and Sails were, right?

 

Luigi: Err-a…no, Sonic and-a Tails.

 

WW Link: Oh…they passed safely through the Mystic Ruins a few days ago.

 

[Luigi looks relieved. Knuckles is hitting on some Gondorian chick.]

 

WW Link: Luigi, they are taking the Pass.

 

Luigi: (worried) The-a Pass?

 

WW Link: Yea, verily.

 

Luigi: Uh-huh…

 

[The camera cuts to the stairs above Minas-Morgul. Omochao, Sonic, and Tails are slowly climbing up them. Sonic slips, and almost loses his footing.]

 

Tails: Be careful, Sonic! It's a long fall!

 

Sonic: Oh really? I had no idea…seemed like it was only a few inches down.

 

[Omochao clambers onto a ledge. He stretches his hand out for Sonic.]

 

Omochao: Come on, grab my hand!

 

Sonic: You mean, grab your block? You've noticed that your hands are blocks, right?

 

Omochao: (annoyed) Fine, grab my block!

 

Tails: That sounds pretty gay!

 

Sonic: Wait…didn't we already place you in front of me? How'd you get back behind me? It's the ass isn't it?!

 

Omochao: Oh hell, Sonic I'll grab your hand…

 

[As Omochao reaches for Sonic's hand, the Ring slides out of…err…wherever Sonic has been keeping it. Omochao reaches for the Ring. He is about to grab it when Tails starts screaming for no reason.]

 

Tails: THE CHERUBS ARE CLAWING AT MY FACE!!

 

Sonic: (turning) The hell?

 

Tails: (really freaking out) TRITES! AGGH!

 

[Omochao yanks Sonic onto the ledge.]

 

Omochao: So…can I toss him over? He's crazy you know.

 

[Sonic thinks it over as Tails stays on the stairway, screaming madly.]

 

Sonic: Hmm…tempting…

 

Tails: BLOODY FOOTPRINTS! ARRGGHOO!

 

Omochao: Pleeeease? He's gone fucking crazy!

 

Sonic: Nah…I lose my endorsement deal with McDonald's if Tails dies…

 

Tails: FLAMING SNOT!

 

Sonic: Then again…

 

Omochao: You know why he's mad?

 

Sonic: Err…no.

 

Omochao: He's mad horny for you…and The Ring!

 

Sonic: Err…'mad horny'?

 

Omochao: He will take it from you!

 

Sonic: The Ring?

 

Omochao: No your virg—wait, yeah…the Ring.

 

Tails: It's whispering to me…it wants me to kill the demons…

 

Sonic: Okay…this trip is getting freaky.