Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ Al and I ( Chapter 12 )

Chapter Twelve: Al and I

[The camera shows part of the Mystic Ruins. Jacko walks up some stone steps, and reaches a bridge where the Witch King Big is sitting on his Fell Beast.]

Jacko: (spins and crotch grabs) Sir, what are your orders?

Big: (trying to sound impressive, but due to the absolute stupid voice he has, the effect is totally ruined) Attack the city. Kill everything you find. Bring all the food to me.

Jacko: (moon walking) Sir…there is a wizard in the city…

Big: Hmm…

Jacko: (doing some freaky stuff) And he's not a little boy, so my "magic" cannot work on him…

Big: (same as before) I will eat him. (dramatic pause)

[Whispering is heard off screen.]

Big: Oh…I mean, I will break him…like a Twix bar…mmm…it is all in the mix.

[The scene cuts to Minas Tirith. Luigi is on a platform with some guards.]

Guard: Hey! Look at me! Hey, Mario, I'm-a gonna send you to-a sleep with-a the fishes!

Guard 2: Yeah, we don't want that nobody get hurt.

Luigi: O-a-k, that is-a enough. You are-a perpetuating an unfortunate Italian-a stereotype, sort of-a like the one that-a claims that we-a end every other-a word with "-a".

Guard: Well, you do.

Luigi: Yes. But I can-a also whoop your-a ass.

Guard 2: He raises a valid point.

Guard: Indubitably.

[The camera switches to the interior of the Throne Room. Knuckles is bowed before Al, pledging his loyalty.]

Knuckles: Here do I pledge my allegiance to AL GORE. In sanity, or in delusional madness, in living or dieing, I pledge to serve AL GORE until I am released from service, or death takes me...

Al: I am most impressed, Unit KNU-125853*11111111A. I am pleased that you remembered all those big shiny words.

Knuckles: Yep. I'm smart!

Al: Sure you are…

[Al gets off the throne, and walks to a small table, currently piled up with food. Al starts to pull some food onto his plate. Al turns and looks at WW Link.]

Al: Unit KNU-125853*11111111A, your loyalty will not be forgotten…however those who cannot complete my tasks…will not be so rewarded.

WW Link: Okay, I get it. That's directed at me. You're dissing me.

Al: Perhaps you are smarter than I thought…your older brother would have held the city…

WW Link: I don't have an older brother!

Al: Ah, poor Chad…that he had to be so easily swept aside…

Knuckles: What are you talking about?

Al: My son Chad! My beautiful, Floridian son…

WW Link: He wasn't your son! He was a fucking piece of cardboard dangling from a voting slip because everyone in Florida is too damn stupid to understand the concept of arrows!

Al: (spazzing) YOU SHALL NOT QUESTION THE GREATNESS OF CHAD!! (stops spazzing) The city must be retaken.

WW Link: Okay, I don't think you understand…there's six hundred thousand fucking Orcs in the Ruins.

Al: Chad could have taken them all single-handedly…

WW Link: He was a piece of paper! He had no damn arms!

Al: So, now you insult those with disabilities? Is there no low you won't sink to?

WW Link: Oh hell…I'll go and liberate your stupid ruins…an arrow in the head is better than listening to your stupidity…

Al: (spazzing) STUPID, AM I?!

WW Link: (walking out) HELL YES!

[WW Link leaves the throne room. The camera cuts to the stairs that Sonic, Tails, and Omochao are climbing. Sonic and Tails are sleeping. The camera cuts to Omochao, who hovers up. He picks up Tails' sleeping form, and drags him near Sonic. Omochao takes a small bottle of milk, and pours it on Sonic. Omochao quickly zips away, dropping the bottle over the edge of the cliff, as Sonic jumps up.]

Sonic: What in the hell?!

Tails: (groggy) Waffles?

Sonic: (noticing the milk) What is this? What in the hell is this white stuff all over m-TAILS!!

Tails: What?

Sonic: (rage) Omochao was right! You are a sex pervert! And in while I'm sleeping no less!

Tails: Okay, we have a slight misunderstanding here…

Sonic: (dramatic) Misunderstanding?! Misunderstand this!

[Awkward pause.]

Tails: That is so corny…

Sonic: Yeah…

Tails: So…

Sonic: Yep.

Tails: What were we talking about?

Sonic: Hmm…I dunno…

Omochao: Oh hell…

[Omochao walks up to Tails, and pushes him off the ledge.]

Tails: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I'M GOING TO Dieeeeeee… (fades)

Sonic: Huh.

Omochao: Yep.

Sonic: Well, we should keep climbing.

Omochao: Without a doubt.

[The camera switches to show WW Link riding on a small pony, leading 200 Gondor cavalry men down the streets of Minas Tirith. Luigi walks up to WW Link.]

Luigi: You-a can't go! You-a will-a die!

WW Link: I must do as my father commands. I will sacrifice myself to make me worthy in his eyes…

Luigi: Watch-a out! You're-a gonna-

[WW Link slams into a wall.]

WW Link: Aggh! Crap! Get the camera off me! Shit! I think I broke my nards!

[The camera returns to the throne room.]

Al: Well…Lockbox, was it?

Knuckles: Ahh…no. I'm Knuckles.

Al: Whatever. You see, I've got bad digestion and I need music playing while I eat to cover the noises. Can you sing?

Knuckles: No. But I can rap.

Al: Good enough! Rap for me Unit KNU-125853*11111111A!

[Knuckles' Rap band/ backup singers appear. During the song, what is shown in parentheses is what's going on onscreen.]

Knuckles: Hey! Hey! Badump! Badump! (Al Gore is eating, spewing food particles)

Backup Singers: Tssh-tssh-wissh (The 200 horsemen start to ride towards the Mystic Ruins)

Knuckles: I'm Knuckles, the fighting freak! (Al eating, food dripping all over the place)

Backup Singers: K-N-U-C-K-L-E-S! (The riders form a line and charge towards the Mystic Ruins)

Knuckles: Some people call me a geek! (Al mouthing the word "lockbox")

Backup Singers: G-E-E-K! (Orcs in the Mystic Ruins pulling out bows)

Knuckles: I work for a guy named Al! (WW Link falls off his pony, and the other 199 horsemen stop)

Backup Singers: They call him AL! AL GORE! (Knuckles singing)

Knuckles: He's supposed to be my pal! (The Orcs have dropped their bows, and are staring at the horsemen)

Backup Singers: Al! Al! OH! He's AL GOOOORRRE!! (Al with a sign that says "Lockbox")

Knuckles: And I! I can't think of a good word to rhyme with `Gore' besides `Whore'! (WW Link trying to get back on his pony)

Backup Singers: W-H-O-R-E! (Knuckles punching a random guard)

Knuckles: But really, he's just AL GOOOOOORRRREEEE!!! (As Knuckles holds the note, the horsemen ride off and the Orcs fire their arrows)

Backup Singers: GORE! A-L G-O-R-E! Al Gore! (Picture of a lockbox)

Knuckles: Man…that was the crappiest rap I have ever rapped.

Al: I liked it, Unit KNU-125853*11111111A.

Knuckles: Ok, you are going to have to stop calling me that.

Al: Whatever you say, Mr. Lockbox.

Knuckles: Dammit, it's Knuckles!

Al: (suddenly spazzing out) I DON'T LIKE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE, UNIT KNU-125853*11111111A! GUARDS! DISCIPLINE HIM! SHOW HIM WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO QUESTION THE JUDGMENT OF GOD!

[Al's guards rush towards Knuckles, grab him, and carry him out of the throne room to be disciplined…and by `discipline' I am not suggesting anything perverted...sickos…]