Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ The Paths of the Living Impaired ( Chapter 14 )

Chapter Fourteen: The Paths of the Living Impaired

[Eggman, Shadow, and Gordon are riding along the path. They're walking through a blasted rock strewn region.]

Shadow: Well…unless we land in Vegas, the chances of finding porn here are very slim…

Eggman: There is no porn, Shadow.

Shadow: You! You lied to me! You used me! I'm the Ultimate Lifeform! I'm the only one who gets to use people!

Eggman: What?

Shadow: Like that time I gave you a bowl of soup? And then you were shitting for like ten hours? That was the power of the Ultimate, with a little laxatives on the side.

Eggman: Laxatives?! You bastard!

[Eggman jumps at Shadow, slamming the hedgehog to the ground. As Shadow tries to budge Eggman's girth off his self, Eggman starts to bitch slap him.]

Gordon: (really loud coughing noise) Errr-Hmmmm!

[Shadow and Eggman stop fighting and look towards Gordon. Freeman points towards a door in the mountain. Eggman and Shadow get up and look at the door.]

Shadow: There's writing on that! It says…umm…I can't read it…

Eggman: Oh yeah, that would be the retinal virus I infected you with. SCORE!

Shadow: Just read the fucking sign.

Eggman: Yeah…"The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Man is that so cliché…

Shadow: No kidding. What happened to originality?

Eggman: Hmm…probably disappeared along with common sense.

Shadow: Hmm, true, very true.

Eggman: Sad that society has sunk to that level.

Shadow: Definitely. Also the desensitization of our youth through violent and swear filled movies.

Eggman: Yes…and all the political and moral trouble in the nation? What kind of environment is that to raise children in?

Shadow: A valid point.

Voice: Just go through the fucking door already.

[Shadow and Eggman turn to look at Gordon, who is still standing there silently.]

Eggman: (puzzled) Yeah…the door…in we go…

[Eggman, Shadow, and Gordon walk in the door…of the DEAD! (cue evil laughter) The camera cuts to the Rohan camp, where everyone is getting ready to leave.]

Duff Man: We must ride to Gondor! Oh yeah!

Cervantes: ARR! ARRRRRRRRR!

[Duff Man, Cervantes, and Megabyte ride by Rouge, who is clipping on those metal shoe upgrade thingies from Sonic Adventure 2. Rouge gets up.]

Rouge: Off to war boys!

Megabyte: You are sticking that nice firm round ass of yours back on that log.

Rouge: Excuse me?

Duff Man: Duff Man says you will not come! Oh yeah!

Rouge: Bastard.

Cervantes: Arr!

Megabyte: Whoa! Enough with the language!

[Duff Man, Cervantes, and Megabyte ride off, leaving Rouge behind. She starts muttering under her breath, when a "Star Trek" teleportation sequence starts. She re-appears aboard the starship from the "Metroid" games. Samus is onboard the ship, dressed in the armor from…your "Metroid" game of choice.]

Rouge: Okay…what is going on?

Samus: We are going to war, girl…but from now on, call me Samus Aran, bounty hunter.

Rouge: Oh…call yourself "Samus Aran". Like that will fool anybody.

Samus: Shut up.

[The camera cuts to a dark underground clearing. Eggman, Shadow, and Gordon enter it from the side. They look around for a few seconds.]

New Voice: Who enters my domain?

Eggman: Well, I'm Dr. Ivo Robotnik, more commonly known as Eggman, this is Shadow, the self proclaimed Ultimate Lifeform, and that over there is Gordon Freeman. He doesn't like talking. And who are you?

New Voice: I am the King of the Dead!

[A green glow gathers where the voice is coming from. The glow starts to turn into a physical form and becomes…Master Chief from "Halo"!]

Master Chief: What are you doing in my domain?

Eggman: I am here to raise an army of undead dudes.

[Master Chief laughs. Suddenly, a green glow surrounds Eggman, Gordon, and Shadow. The glow takes shape, and the three are surrounded by thousands of undead video game mascots.]

Master Chief: The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut. Now, you will die.

Eggman: Oh, real original there.

Master Chief: Come on! I work with what's given to me! You think I like it?

Eggman: Well…

Master Chief: Absolutely not! I hate it! You think I wanted to be King of the Dead? NO! I wanted to be the asskicking hero character but someone (glares at Gordon Freeman) beat me to it…

[Gordon gives Master Chief the finger. The Army of the Undead starts to close in on them.]

Master Chief: Now, you will die.

Eggman: Never!

[Eggman whips out Anduril. The army pauses for a second.]

Master Chief: How did you get your hand on that n00b cannon?

Eggman: N00b this!

[Eggman blasts Master Chief with Anduril. There is a beeping noise, then the shield regeneration noise from "Halo" starts.]

Master Chief: Ow! You fucker! What do you want?

Eggman: I want your allegiance! If you join me, if you fight for me, I will send letters to your publishers asking them to stop making games starring you guys.

Lara Croft: Thank God! I was begging to be put to sleep after the third game…

Eggman: Well? What say you?

[No one answers.]

Shadow: Pffh…they sucked in games, they will suck in death as well.

Eggman: WHAT SAY YOU?!