Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ Weapons of Mass Insanity ( Chapter 15 )

Chapter Fifteen: Weapons of Mass Insanity

[The camera shows the gates of Minas Tirith.]

Voice: Dudes! Open the gates!

[The gate creaks open, and a lone pony walks in, dragging WW Link along in the dust. He's skewered with arrows. Several Gondorian guards approach.]

Gondorian Guard 1: Oh boy…Al is not going to like this.

Gondorian Guard 2: So…uhhh…what do we do?

Gondorian Guard 3.14: We must take him to Al! Get a stretcher!

[The scene fades, and then shows the top of the city. The guards are carrying the stretcher with WW Link in it, when Al Gore comes running out.]

Al: Link! LINK!

[Al kneels next to his son's body.]

Al: My bastard child! Say not that he is dead.

Gondorian Guard 3.14: He's as dead as a pregnant chad.

Al: (glaring at the guard) Yeah…rub it in, asswipe.

[Knuckles walks up to WW Link and Al.]

Knuckles: Dude, he's alive! He's breathing! He's even moving!

Al: (spazzing) DON'T TRY TO COMFORT ME!!

Knuckles: No, seriously, he's moving his arms!

Al: (still spazzing) MY SONS! CHAD AND LINK…THEY'RE ALL GONE!

Knuckles: You're obviously not listening to me…

[The camera cuts to Jacko and the Orc army, now camped directly outside the walls of Minas Tirth.]

Jacko: Little boys…the city is rank with them.

Orc General Guy: (edging away)

Jacko: Release the weapons of mass destruction…

[Catapults begin firing. The scene cuts to a group of Gondor soldiers inside the city; suddenly they get pelted with small black boxes.]

Guy: Holy crap! They're pelting us with copies of the "Catwoman" movie!

Other Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!

[The scene cuts back to Al and the top of the city.]

Al: (really crazy off-the-wall insane) My sons are all gone…I have no chance to stop Dubya now…

Knuckles: You know what? Screw this…I'm going inside to look at porn.

[As Knuckles meanders indoors, Al reaches the edge of the balcony and looks out. All of the fields around the city are black with the teeming mass of a 600,000 strong army. {Author's Note: This is the part in the movie where your jaw hits the floor and you start to babble incoherently for a few seconds.}]

Al: Rohan has deserted me…John Kerry has failed me…

Guy: He's not even in this freaking story!

[Catapults begin to launch boulders, which smash into the city. Screams of panic and fear begin to echo around Minas Tirith.]

Al: The Democrats have betrayed me…all is lost…

[More boulders slam into the city walls.]

Al: ABANDON YOUR CHADS! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!

[Al turns around and gets smacked upside the head by Luigi's plunger, and goes down like a sack of wet chads. {Author's Note: God, I love making fun of Al Gore…}]

Luigi: (echoing across the whole city) PREPARE FOR-A BATTLE!

[Luigi rides Yoshi through the streets of Minas Tirith. He goes past many retreating soldiers.]

Luigi: Return to-a your-a posts! To the-a walls!

[Luigi is shown riding up a few steps, surrounded by Gondorian soldiers. Luigi looks over the ramparts and sees the army of 600,000 Orcs, their catapults rattling off.]

Luigi: Send these-a foul…things to-a the abyss!

[The city's catapults begin to open fire, crushing Orcs in the army. A few of the Orcs seem nervous, and begin to move.]

Jacko: Remain firm. Hard and firm.

Orc General Guy: (edges away some more)

[Suddenly, a loud screeching noise echoes through the air. The Nazgul come plunging down, riding their Fell Beasts.]

Boris: FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!

47: Kill them all! Leave no man alive!

Arthas: Awww, but I wanted some men.

Boris: PANSY!

Kerrigan: How about for once, just once, we kill people instead of having you two question Arthas' sexual preferences?

Boris: But he's a PANSY!

Arthas: And you're Russian!

Boris: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Arthas: WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS, COMMIE?!

[As Arthas and Boris continue to yell at each other, the Nazgul dive in and start ripping soldiers off the ramparts, and dropping them from hundreds of feet in the air. The scene cuts back to Luigi and the Gondorian army.]

Luigi: Stand your-a ground! Fear is-a the mind killer!

Guy: Dude, you're ripping that line straight from "Dune"!

Luigi: Well….ummm….your-a mom!

Gondor Army: Ooh…BURNED!

[Gigantic siege towers are rolled towards the city walls by massive trolls (who all look slightly like Shrek).]

Luigi: Aim for-a the green trolls! Kill-a them!

[Gondor arrows slam into the trolls, knocking some to the ground, but the siege towers reach the walls. Orcs come pouring out into the city walls.]

Luigi: Fight-a them back! Do-a not-a let them get past the-a walls!

[Luigi pulls out his plunger, and sees Knuckles wandering down.]

Luigi: Knuckles? What are-a you doing here?

Knuckles: There's a fight going on, I'm Knuckles, the fighting freak, it's pretty obvious.

Luigi: Get-a back to-a the citadel before you-a hurt yourself.

[Knuckles pauses, trying to come up with some kind of witty remark, when a swarm of Orcs head towards him. Just before they reach Knuckles and carve him up, Luigi jumps in, and bashes them senseless with his plunger.]

Luigi: GET-A BACK TO-A THE CITADEL!

Knuckles: Fine…

[Suddenly, a loud long continuous roaring can be heard. Luigi looks over the turrets and sees a giant battering ram being wheeled towards the city. The battering ram is known by Sauron's forces as "Wang'. I think you can infer its shape based on the name…]

Orc Army: (chanting) WANG! WANG! WANG! WANG!

Jacko: Yes…we shall smash the Wang through the opening.

Minor Orc Character: Heh…wang…

Jacko: Do you find that name funny? Sauron's former master once wielded his Wang in battle.

Minor Orc Character: You have got to be fucking kidding me…

Jacko: He took down many men with his Wang.

Minor Orc Character: I think I'm going to have a heart attack…

Jacko: He swung his mighty Wang, and pierced many strong men with its giant, broad, huge-oh…I get it…

Minor Orc Character: Funny, huh?

Jacko: No.

[Jacko rips the head of the Minor Orc Character. Jacko smiles as Wang is rolled closer to the gates of Minas Tirith.]