Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ Ride of the Drunkards ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter Eighteen: The Ride of the Drunkards

 

[The camera shows the city of Minas Tirith, and zooms into the room where Al has brought WW Link. There's a large pile of chads on the ground. WW Link is on the ground, moaning slightly. The guards pick him up, and drop him on the pile of chads.]

 

WW Link: (half asleep) Ow…

 

Al: Soon we will burn, surrounded by the flames of the chads…

 

[Knuckles enters the room.]

 

Knuckles: What are you doing?

 

Al: I will light myself on fire, letting flames consume me and my son.

 

Knuckles: This is a joke, right?

 

Al: No…all is lost, the afterlife calls for me! I must rule with GOD at my right hand!

 

Knuckles: Ego, maybe?

 

Al: Unit KNU-125853*11111111A, you have served me well. Leave now.

 

Knuckles: Dude, he's still alive!

 

Al: (spazzing) DARE YOU QUESTION MY JUDGMENT?!

 

Knuckles: Yes! That's what I'm doing! Hell, he's talking!

 

WW Link: (murmuring) I'm not dead yet…

 

Al: (total spazz mode) SILENCE! MY SANITY SHALL NOT BE QUESTIONED BY MERE MORTALS!

 

[Al advances on Knuckles, grabs the echidna by the…hair (?) and drags him towards the door.]

 

Knuckles: He's not dead! ARE YOU STUPID?! He's TALKIING for crying out loud!

 

Al: Unit KNU-125853*11111111A, I relieve you from my service. Now go fuck yourself and die in whichever way suits you best.

 

[Al reaches the door, and chucks Knuckles out. The camera follows Al on the inside.]

 

Al: My poor son, soon you and I shall be together with Chad…

 

WW Link: (murmuring) Fuck…Chad…

 

Al: (screaming) POUR OIL ON THE CHADS!

 

[Knuckles runs through the streets of Minas Tirith, trying to find Luigi. The echidna runs by retreating soldiers, and the dead and dieing.]

 

Knuckles: LUIGI! WHERE ARE YOU?!

 

[As Knuckles runs screaming for Luigi, boulders slam into the city walls and towers, knocking stuff down {Author's Note: Descriptive, huh?}.]

 

Luigi: Retreat! The-a city is-a breached! Head to-a the-a second level! Women, children and-a plumbers first!

 

[The camera cuts to Jacko.]

 

Orc General Guy: Sir, the gates have been broken. Our men are inside the city.

 

Jacko: Good…order the troops to kill all they find…leave the little boys to me.

 

Orc General Guy: Of course, sir. (backs away)

 

[The camera shows the forces of Sauron swarming through the city, killing and burning.]

 

Luigi: Fight! Fight for-a your lives!

 

[Suddenly, a loud horn echoes across the field of battle. Everything seems to freeze for a second, as everyone turns to see what it is. On the hill near the battle field, a lone horseman rides up, followed by 5,999 others. {Author's Note: Yes. Jaws are allowed to drop.}]

 

Jacko: Form stiff ranks! Don't let them penetrate!

 

Random Orc in the Crowd: YOU SICK BASTARD!

 

Duff Man: Megabyte! Take your forces down the left flank! Oh yeah!

 

Megabyte: SIR!

 

Duff Man: Cervantes! Take your soldiers down the right flank! Oh yeah!

 

Cervantes: Arrrr!

 

Duff Man: Third Generic Character! Follow Duff Man down the center! Oh yeah!

 

Third Generic Character: SIR!

 

Duff Man: We shall ride forward!

 

[Duff Man “Hip Thrusts” in the direction of the Orcs.]

 

Duff Man: ARISE DRUNKARDS! Bottles shall be shattered, hangovers will be broken! A GOOD DAY! A DRUNK DAY! ERE THE SUN RISES! OH YEAH!

 

[The camera pans up all dramatic-like, showing the full size of the Rohan cavalry.]

 

Duff Man: RIDE NOW! RIDE FOR WRATH! RIDE FOR RUIN! RIDE FOR DUFF BRAND BEER! DUFF!

 

Rohan Army: DUFF!

 

Duff Man: DUFF!

 

Rohan Army: DUFF!

 

Duff Man: DUFF!

 

Rohan Army: DUUUUUUUFFFFF!

 

Duff Man: FORTH DRUNKARDS! OH YEAAAAAAAAHHHH!

 

[Hundreds of Rohan horns blow, and the Rohan charge towards the Orc army.]

 

Jacko: OPEN FIRE!

 

[Arrows plunge towards the Rohan, killing some, but the charge continues.]

 

Jacko: FIRE AT WILL! STOP THEM!

 

[The Orcs continue firing arrows, but the Rohan get closer and closer. A look of panic crosses Jacko's misshapen face.]

 

Jacko: Holy shi—

 

[The Rohan crash into the Orc forces, trampling and killing. The camera switches to Minas Tirith, where Knuckles is frantically searching for Luigi.]

 

Knuckles: LUIGI!

 

Luigi: What? (pause) -A?

 

Knuckles: Huh?

 

Luigi: Never-a mind…what-a is it?

 

Knuckles: Al has gone mad!

 

Luigi: Oh…what-a else is-a new?

 

Knuckles: I mean, more than usual! He's going to burn Link alive!

 

Luigi: We-a have to-a stop him!

 

[Luigi grabs Knuckles and they ride up towards the top level of the city. As they ride up, a shrieking sound fills the air.]

 

Fell Beast: RRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!

 

Knuckles: What the hell?

 

[With a tremendous rattling, the Fell beast carrying the Witch King Big lands right in Luigi's path.]

 

Luigi: (whipping out the Plunger) Go-a back to-a the Abyss! Foul-a beast! Burn in-a the flames of-a your master!

 

Big: (pulling out a sword) This is my power!

 

[A HUGE fart shockwave ripples out from Big, shattering Luigi's Plunger.]

 

Luigi: Foul-a demon!

 

Big: (advancing) Fool, do you not know death when-a you see it?

 

Luigi: Excuse-a me? Was-a that a little offensive, or-a what?

 

Big: What? What did I say?

 

Knuckles: You said “when-a”. Italians may find that offensive.

 

Big: Oh crap you're right…I must fly to my agent…he'll have to fix this mess up…

 

[Big flies off on his struggling Fell Beast. The camera cuts once gain, now to the small room where Al and WW Link are. Al clambers onto the pile of chads, and pour oil all over himself. Oil drips off and splatters WW Link in the face, he twitches and groans.]

 

Al: Take torches! Light a fire in my chads!

 

[The soldiers approach the pile of chads with torches, ready to light them on fire, when the door shatters off its hinges, thanks to powerful kick from Yoshi.]

 

Al: Do not think you can stop me!

 

[Al grabs a torch from one the guards. Luigi grabs a spear off the wall and goes charging towards Al and the oil drenched chads. Al drops the torch into the chads, lighting them on fire, just as Luigi arrives and slams Al off the chad pile. Knuckles jumps off Yoshi and tries to pull WW Link away from the flames.]

 

Knuckles: Ugghh…darn you're heavy for a cell shaded elf…

 

WW Link: (still murmuring) Zelda…in…my pants…

 

Knuckles: (quickly looks around) Yeah…

 

[After making sure that no one is watching, Knuckles punches WW Link out of the fire, and starts beating the flames off him.]

 

Al: NOOOOO! YOU CAN NOT STOP ME!

 

[Al leaps at Knuckles and starts bitch slapping him.]

 

Knuckles: Ow! Dude! Ow! Fight like a ma—ow!

 

Al: (bitch slapping like crazy) HE IS MINE! MY OWN! MY PRECIOUS!

 

Knuckles: You sick—Ow! Bastard! That's jus—ow! Dud—ow!

 

[As Al continues his frenzied bitch slapping, Luigi rides up on Yoshi, who promptly sucks in Al, and pops him back out as an egg, right into the flaming chads. Al slowly starts to burn, as he catches sight of WW Link, getting up.]

 

WW Link: Oooh…my head…what the hell happened?

 

Al: Link? What have I done?

 

[As Al realizes what he's done (namely go insane and almost murder his son), he catches on fire, and runs screaming out of the room. Screaming his head off, he runs through the main courtyard, and jumps off the top of the city, falling…well, a really long distance to the ground.]

 

Luigi VO: So-a passes Al Gore, son of-a…umm…well, I-a really don't know…

 

[The camera cuts back to the chad room.]

 

Knuckles: I think his dad is named Al too…

 

Luigi: There's-a more than one?

 

Knuckles: Yes.

 

Luigi: Brrrr…

 

WW Link: Seriously, what the hell is going on?

 

Luigi: Long-a story…

 

WW Link: Yeah…who was on fire?

 

Knuckles: Al.

 

WW Link: Oh. Cool.

 

Knuckles: Yeah.

 

Random Guard: Can we go now? I'm getting bored…

 

Luigi: (profound) So-a passes Al, son of-a Al.