Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ I AM NO MAN! Or Something… ( Chapter 19 )

Chapter Nineteen: I AM NO MAN! Or Something…

 

[The camera cuts to the battle field, where the Orcs are being massacred by the Rohan cavalry, who are just plowing through everything.]

 

Megabyte: Make the city safe! Drive them to the river!

 

[A loud pounding noise echoes along the battlefield. Duff Man and his Rohan look to the Mystic Ruins, and see the giant Olphaunts (or Mumakil, or whatever) charging towards them.]

 

Cervantes: Arrrrrrrr….

 

Megabyte: Holy crap man…holy crap…

 

Duff Man: Reform the lines! Oh yeah!

 

[The Oliphaunts get closer and closer, the whole ground shaking under the roaring footsteps of the giant beasts.]

 

Duff Man: Sound the charge! Oh yeah!

 

[The Rohan horns blow again, and they go charging towards the Oliphaunts. They get closer and closer, and then, *bam!* The Rohan are getting their asses handed to them. Mayhem ensues. Rohan are flying through the air, they're getting stepped on, etc. In short, it would have been a good day to call in sick.]

 

Cervantes: (flying through the air) Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ARRRRRR! (slams into a wall)

 

[Meanwhile, onboard Samus' ship, which is hovering very unnoticeably above the field of battle.]

 

Rouge: I'm telling you, no one is going to get fooled if you just add “Aran” to the end of your name.

 

Samus: Fine! Nobody will be confused? You happy? Now where's the stupid battle?

 

Rouge: (pointing out a window) The battle is down there! Open a hatch!

 

Samus: Okay, I'm going to open the main hatch…

 

Rouge: Tell me when you're going to op—

 

[The hatch snaps open under Rouge, and she goes plummeting to the ground. With a tremendous bang, she craters into the earth.]

 

Samus: (trying to act innocent) Ooops…my bad…

 

[Back at the battle…]

 

Megabyte: (watching Rouge crater into the ground) Ha…sucks to be yooooou—

 

[Megabyte is sent flying by one of the Oliphaunts.]

 

Duff Man: Stop them! Before they kill Duff Man! Oh no!

 

[As the Oliphaunts continue their rampage, the battlefield descends into sheer chaos.]

 

Chaos: (strange watery noises)

 

[No! Not you! Get the hell out of this movie!]

 

Chaos: (more strange watery noises)

 

[Yeaaaahhh….so, as the Rohan are getting “Owned”, the camera switches back to Minas Tirith. Luigi, Knuckles, and about a dozen Gondor soldiers are trying to hold off a force of several hundred Orcs which are about to break through the final barrier of the city.]

 

Knuckles: I didn't think it was going to end like this…me dieing a virgin? Where's the justice in that?

 

Luigi: End? No, it-a doesn't end here…death is-a just another path we-a all must-a take. The dimness of-a this world is lifted away, a beam of-a light shines upon us…and-a then you-a see it…

 

Knuckles: What am I seeing? Porn?

 

Luigi: No, the-a white shores, and the-a land beyond…

 

Knuckles: But no porn?

 

Luigi: You're going to-a be dead. You-a don't need porn when you're-a dead.

 

Knuckles: That's what you say…

 

Luigi: Oh, shut up and-a fight…

 

[The camera cuts back to the battle on the fields of Pelennor. The Rohan have been thrashed, and their forces are greatly diminished.]

 

Duff Man: Rally to Duff Man! Oh yeah!

 

[As the Rohan forces rally to Duff Man, he looks up and sees the Witch King diving towards him.]

 

Duff Man: Duff Man is about to die! Oh shi--

 

[The Witch King's Fell Beast slams into Duff Man, lifting him and his horse off the ground, and whipping them both to the ground with a sickening crunching noise.]

 

Big: Feast on his flesh!

 

[As the Fell Beast approaches, Amy shows up in battle armor! How Amy survived falling from the top of Khazad-DOOM and managed to get here is beyond me.]

 

Amy: I will kill you if you touch him again!

 

Big: Do not come between the Witch King and his lunch!

 

Amy: Were you going to eat him?

 

Big: Maaaaybe…

 

Amy: You sick bastard!

 

[Using the Pico Pico Hammer (or whatever the thing is called), Amy clubs the Fell Beast to death. In a very dramatic fashion, the Witch King Big rises from the Fell Beast.]

 

Big: (worried) Oh my God…you killed it…Sauron is going to be so pissed that it isn't even funny.

 

Amy: Oh. I think it's funny.

 

Big: You do, don't you? Well you know what?!

 

Amy: What?

 

Big: Arrg! You aren't supposed to say “What?”, you're supposed to let me say my whole speech.

 

Amy: Oh.

 

Big: See? Now it's all ruined. I'm going to have start over.

 

Amy: Okay…

 

Big: Well you know what?!

 

Amy: (cutting Big off) What?

 

Big: (annoyed) How stupid can you get? Just let me fucking kill you!

 

Amy: (brings up the Hammer) Bring it!

 

Big: Fine. I will bring it!

 

[Big pulls out a huge ass mace and starts spinning it around.]

 

Amy: Eeep…

 

Big: You shall burn in the abyss!

 

Amy: I don't wanna!

 

Big: Too bad!

 

[Big whips the mace at Amy, crushing her shield and knocking her back.]

 

Amy: Oh you assmunch! You broke a nail!

 

Big: (evil demonic laughter) HAHAHAHA! Bow before the might of the minion of Sauron!

 

[With a quick whip of the mace, Big knocks away the Pico Pico Hammer, and slams Amy to the ground. The camera cuts to the river near the battle, where the remnants of the Orc army are about to get the reinforcements from the black ships of the corsairs.]

 

Orc General Guy: Late! Again! You guys just keep standing me up and it's really pissing me off…come on! Get of your ships!

 

[As the Orcs watch, Eggman, Gordon, and Shadow jump off the ship.]

 

Orc General Guy: What the hell?

 

Shadow: Good…there's enough for both of us…let the most verbose hedgehog win!

 

[Suddenly surrounding the three is an army of thousands of the Undead…Master Chief (Halo), Lara Croft (Do I really have to say it)?, Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem…duh), the DOOM marine (DOOM…), Havoc (C&C: Renegade), Adrian Shepard (Half-Life: Opposing Force), Cate Archer (No One Lives Forever), Xan Kreigor (Unreal Tournament 2004), Tommy Vercetti (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City), the Predator (You should know this one), Gundam Heavyarms Custom (Gundam Wing…this is the one with the freaking amazing amount of weaponry), Barney Calhoun (Half-Life: Blue Shift), generic hero guy from a WWII game, and many (thousands) more, all armed to the teeth with some serious weaponry.]

 

Eggman: (cocking Anduril) Hasta la vista, babies!

 

[Eggman does a bad ass one handed shot that blasts off the head of the Orc General Guy. The Army of the Undead swarms into the Orcs, killing them on contact, as Eggman, Shadow, and Gordon go plowing into the bad guys. The camera cuts to Rouge, who just crawled out from her crater. She sees Big advancing on Amy, and starts to crawl forward. Meanwhile, the Witch King walks up to Amy and grabs her by the neck, lifting her up off the ground.]

 

Big: Fool! No man can kill me! Which leaves a large loophole open in the prophecy, but I am so assured of my own invincibility that it shall not bother me! HAHAHA!

 

[As Big is about to squeeze Amy to death, Rouge comes from behind and kicks him straight into the crotch. Much to her shock, Rouge's foot catches on fire and she falls backwards. Big quickly drops Amy to the ground.]

 

Big: Aggggg!

 

Amy: (Ripping off helmet) I AM NO MAN!

 

[Amy yanks at the helmet, but it's stuck.]

 

Big: You sure? You look like a man to me. A strange man, perhaps a queer man, but a man nonetheless.

 

Amy: CAN'T YOU SEE THE BOOBS?!

 

Big: To be honest, no. I can't see any boobs.

 

Amy: IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT BOOBIES!! BIG ONES!

 

Big: (Pondering) Me too…me too…

 

Amy: You sick bastard!

 

[Out of nowhere Samus Aran appears and blows off Big's head.]

 

Big: (his head) OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…you…were…a…woman?