Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ The Death of Duff Man King ( Chapter 20 )

Chapter Twenty: The Death of Duff Man King

 

[The battle continues, with Shadow, Gordon, and Eggman taking down swarms of Orcs.]

 

Shadow: 22! 23! 24! How many have you killed Gordon? Oh that's right, you can't speak!

[A bullet flies an inch away from Shadow's head.]

 

Shadow: Hey!

 

[Gordon makes some hand motions, indicating he thinks Shadow can go to hell.]

 

Shadow: Dude! That's uncalled fo—Holy crap! FREEMAN!

 

[Gordon looks behind him, and sees a massive Oliphaunt charging right at him. He stands still as the war beast gets closer, and at the last second, everything goes into slow motion “Matrix” bullet time. Gordon whips out the Redeemer once more, and fires it. In super slow motion, it flies towards the Oliphaunt, and crashes right into its face. It is now dead. Also, its body fragments are raining down all over the battlefield, in fact some pieces are landing in Not-Hobbiton.]

 

Shadow: God dammit! That is not fair!

 

[The Army of the Undead swarms across the battlefield, wiping out everything they come in contact with. The forces of Sauron have been crushed. The battle is over. On another part of the battlefield, Amy reaches Duff Man King.]

 

Duff Man: Duff Man is dieing an extremely long and drawn out painful death! Oh yea...I mean, Oh no!

 

Amy: I'm Amy Rose, and I'm here to save you!

 

Duff Man: You already have…

 

Amy: What? I just got here!

 

Duff Man: Duff Man will now go to the beer hall of his ancestors! Oh yeah!

 

Amy: No Duff Man, don't leave me!

Duff Man: (patting Amy on the head) Don't be sad, Duff Man will be getting smashed in a few minutes…oh yeah…

 

[With a sigh, Duff Man passes away to a better world. But don't be sad! He'll be enjoying himself! In fact, he'll drink extra just for you! Meanwhile, on yet another part of the battlefield, the Army of the Undead stands before Eggman and his two companions. Luigi walks by, and stops to watch.]

 

Master Chief: We have fulfilled our oaths to you. Now, set us free from the evils of bad and over hyped sequels.

 

Shadow: I don't think that's a good idea! The last thing I need is Lara Croft's ghost free…I don't think she appreciated my comments about her…umm…box art…yeah…

 

Eggman: You made obscene comments about her cans, didn't you?

 

Shadow: (hanging head in shame) Yes.

 

Master Chief: Well? We haven't got all day here!

 

Eggman: (waving Anduril) I hold yo—

 

Shadow: Hey! Watch where you're pointing that thing! You could shoot somebody's eye out with that!

 

Eggman: Grow up. I have the trigger lock on, see?

 

[As Shadow checks, the gun goes off, right into his foot.]

 

Shadow: AGGH! MOTHERFUCKER THAT HURTS!

 

Eggman: Woops…I thought I had the safety engaged. Guess not…thanks for finding that out Shadow! I could have hurt somebody important!

 

Shadow: (clutching foot) I'm going to kill you dead…

 

Master Chief: Sometime today!

 

Eggman: Er…yes…I hold your oaths fulfilled! Be at peace!

 

Master Chief: Thank you…

 

Lara Croft: (somewhere in the mass of the Army) Shadow! You will know no peace!

 

Shadow: Mother [Censored] ass [Censored].

 

[Slowly, the Army of the Undead disappears, carried away by the wind. Megabyte and Cervantes ride up, just as a certain pink hedgehog wanders over, with the helmet still stuck on her head.]

 

Amy: (struggling with the helmet) THIS DAMN THING WON'T COME OFF!!

 

[Gordon slams Amy with the butt of his rifle and Amy goes down…yes, like a sack of wet chads.]

 

Megabyte: God! Does she ever shut up?

 

Luigi: (talking to Gordon) I-a think you-a killed her.

 

Megabyte: And that's a bad thing?

 

Luigi: Well, no, but-a still…

 

[The camera changes to a different place on the battlefield. Rouge is lying on the ground, injured from her fall...and the foot burning.]

 

Rouge: Ooh…crap this hurts…

 

[Knuckles walks up.]

 

Knuckles: (teary-eyed) Rouge! I thought I'd lost you! I'll never leave you again.

 

Rouge: Oh freaking hell…

 

Knuckles: Rouge, your breasts seem injured, let my heal them!

 

Rouge: You move your hand an inch closer and I'll rip it off.

 

Knuckles: Pfah! Your half dead.

 

[Knuckles reaches for Rouge's breast…]

 

Knuckles: (real perverted look in his eyes; drooling) Boobies…

 

[Rouge's leg snaps up, right into Knuckles' crotch.]

 

Knuckles: HOLY SHIT! THE AGONY!

 

Rouge: You can't say I didn't warn you…

 

Knuckles: Ooh…but I was the last of the Echidnas! Now I won't be able to procreate and have offspring.

 

Rouge: Yeah…you…just…want…my…sex…pootie… (faints)

 

Knuckles: Sure!

 

[Knuckles faints and lands face first into Rouge's chest, a smile crossing his unconscious face. The camera cuts to the Tower of Sexual Aid. The camera pans through a window, and rests on Sonic, who is still unconscious. Orcs can be heard in the background.]

 

Orc #1: Okay…let's see what he had on him…

 

Orc #2: Oooh…pretty!

 

Orc #1: Dammit! Put that shoe down!

 

Orc #2: I dun wanna!

 

Orc #1: Just let go of the shoe…

 

[Sonic wakes with a start, and feels around his chest…he sees that the Ring is gone.]

 

Orc #2: But I like the shoe!

 

Orc #1: It's a fucking shoe! Put it down or I'll kill you!

 

Orc #2: Why? It's my shoe!

 

Orc #1: Stop being a dumbass and give the shoe back!

 

[The two Orcs get into a fight, which eventually consumes the whole Tower. As the fighting continues on the inside, Tails climbs up some stairs. Several Orcs walk down towards Tails, but he uses his shadow to make himself look big {Author's Note: You'd have to see the movie to get this…I just can't describe this well at all…}.]

 

Orc #45: Aggh! What the hell is it now?

 

Tails: It's-a me-a, Tails!

 

Orc #2.26: A fox? What the hell is going o--

 

[Tails' mech comes slamming though the wall, tearing through the Orcs. Meanwhile, Sonic is attempting to escape his bonds, when an Orc shows up.]

 

Orc # 1: I'm gonna kill you!

 

Sonic: Why? What have I done to you?

 

Orc #1: Well…you haven't done anything, but I've had a rough childhood…

 

Sonic: See? This is all repressed rage…you need to find some healthy way to work out the anger!

 

Orc #1: I see! I'm going to be a famous artis---ugggghhhh!

 

[The Orc falls over, dead, with a huge spear sticking out his back.]

 

Tails: Another piece of dirty filth dead!

 

Sonic: Tails! You're back!

 

Tails: Yeah…I am.

 

Sonic: Tails, I'm so sorry…sorry for everything…

 

Tails: You should be! You thought I was gay and wanted to have sex with you, then you left me behind to follow a robot we'd known for all of a day, and then you took my porn!

 

Sonic: Dude, that was Knuckles.

 

Tails: The bastard will die a most horrible and excruciating death…

 

Sonic: Tails, they took the Ring! Everything is lost!

 

Tails: No…I wouldn't say that…

 

Sonic: Huh?

 

Tails: I said that I wouldn't say that!

 

Sonic: That makes no sense.

 

Tails: How does it not make sense? I said I wouldn't say that, to which you said “huh?” to which I responded that I said that I wouldn't say that.

 

Sonic: What's “that”?

 

Tails: It's… (pause) …actually, I have no idea now.

 

Sonic: Let's backtrack…you said you were gay…

 

Tails: I did not!

 

Sonic: And that you wanted to get it on with me…

 

Tails: (blink) You just want me, don't you?

 

Sonic: Then we talked about your perverted goat porno…

 

Tails: That is a lie!

 

Sonic: Then we talked about how Sauron has the Ring…

 

Tails: That's that!

 

Sonic: Huh?

 

Tails: Sauron doesn't have the Ring!

 

Sonic: What?

 

Tails: When Spider-Man got you, I was afraid you were dead, so…

 

[Tails pulls the Ring out of…aggh…this is why I need characters with pants. And clothes.]

 

Sonic: Give it to me.

 

Tails: Wha--?

 

Sonic: Give it to me right now Tails.

 

Tails: Are you sure that's the lifestyle choice you want to make?

 

Sonic: GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW!

 

Tails: Fine…

 

Sonic: (pause) THE RING YOU SICK BASTARD!

 

Tails: (removing hands from beneath the waist) Ohhhhh! I get it! Here you go!

 

[Tails hands Sonic the Ring.]

 

Sonic: You need psychiatric help…

 

Tails: Well, Sonic, let's get you some pants…

 

Sonic: Have you been staring at my--

 

Tails: No, I mean, like, a disguise…

 

Sonic: Oh…I have no idea where my mind was…

 

Tails: In the gutter, Sonic, in the gutter…

 

[The scene cuts, and Sonic and Tails, now dressed in Orc armor, are walking away from the Tower of Sexual Aid. They stop at the peak of a little hill, and look towards Mordor.]

 

Tails: We made it…Mordor…

 

[As the two watch, they see the Eye of Sauron sweeping across Mordor.]

 

Sauron: (singing, yet still creepy) AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON LOVIN YOU, CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING I WANNA DO!

 

Sonic: Well…we now know Sauron is an 80's music fan…

 

Tails: Is there no evil he won't do?!

 

Sonic: Umm…sure…

 

Tails: Well, let's get moving…

 

Sonic: Have you noticed that the path from here to Mt. DOOM is currently filled with about….300,000 bad guys?

 

Tails: 300,003 by my count…

 

Sonic: Smartass…

 

Tails: Well, we'll have to take it one step at a time.

 

Sonic: Obviously.

 

[And as the strains of REO Speedwagon's “Keep on Loving You” echo across Mordor, accompanied by Sauron's singing, Sonic and Tails head towards Mt. DOOM.]