Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Wacky Sonic Adventures! ❯ Chapter 2: Rouge's secret job part 2 ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A/N: Wow! Sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter up, I had writers block! Okay here we go! Oh and I came up with a theme song. Probably sucks [shrugs] oh well.

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[Tails' pad…]

Mario [talking to a bound and gagged Luigi]: this-a hurts you more-a than it-a hurts me.

Luigi [bound and gagged]: mmmmmffff [translation: you-a fat ass-a bastard I- a kill you!]

[Mario stuffs Luigi in one of Tails' closets.]

Mario [to self]: who-a the best plunger now? [Walks to the TV room.]

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Intro Theme song: [preformed by Ryudo (Grandia 2 Ryudo)]

They's the ultra fast invulnerable Sonic crew!

Ain't nothin' in the world that they don't know how to do!

They save the world from Eggman's plots and evil tyranny!

Tear you from the clutches of his goons and giant laser beams!

No crook or villain has the balls to stand up to them!

`cos if they try they know they going to get ripped limb from limb!

So don't fuck with the crew unless you got a death wish!

Whip that ass so hard you be sleepin' wit the fish!

So remember who told you, my name is Ryudo!

And don't get it confused and call me Ryuho.

I'm out of here!

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Chapter 2: Rouge's secret job part 2!

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COMMERCIAL

[Homeless shelter…]

Eggman [sitting in a rocking chair wearing nothing but a robe]: hello there faithful commercial watchers! If you don't already know, my name is Dr. Ivo Robotnik. a.k.a Eggman. [holds forehead in frustration] Cut, cut, cut. Andy, what do I have to do to get the masses to donate to me?

Andy French [Mission Hill Andy French; cameraman]: I don't know.

Eggman: Well think of something or you're fired!

Andy [picking nose, wipes boogers on camera]: why don't you go to squirrel country and ask the people there to donate to you?

Eggman [serious]: why, that's brilliant! I have a friend that lives down that way anyhoo! Andy handle my calls until I get back. [leaves]

Andy [confused, yelling after Eggman]: but you don't have calls you live in a homeless shelter!

Eggman [yelling]: Well, then, take care of the camera!

Andy: nothing's going to happen to your precious camera. [camera explodes]

Mysterious voice from nowhere: Donate money to Eggman! <Eggman whimpers>

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[Squirrel country, Cock and Plucker]

Conker [drinking some booze]: My life's gone downhill since I became king. [Grumbling] Stupid Von kripplespac, with his hordes of tediz, and machine tediz.

Eggman [suddenly there, wearing usual outfit]: Hey Conker!

Conker [eggman caught him by surprise]: Oh, Hi Eggman.

Eggman: help me get the masses to donate to me!

Conker: What you back in the homeless shelter again?

Eggman: yep!

Conker [pulls out a wad of cash]: How much ya need?

Eggman: enough to get by.

Conker: how much?

Eggman: Enough.

Conker [angry]: HOW MUCH?!

Eggman: About a trillion dollars.

[Conker puts his wad away and returns to his beer.]

Eggman [disappointed]: I thought you were going to donate to me?

Conker [still drinking booze]: I was, but I don't have a trillion dollars. A king only has so much money.

Eggman [whips out two giant machine guns and points them at Conker]: then I'll just take all the money you got then!

Conker [whips out his shotgun and machine gun, equips shotgun, sets machine gun down on the table.]: Eggman, do we have to go through this, again?

Eggman [puts guns away, sighs]: I guess not.

Conker [stands up from the table from which he was sitting at]: C'mon Eggman, I know some people that'll donate to you. You do still have your Egg Carrier, right?

Eggman: Of course I do! How do you think I got here? Alright who's the person that's going to donate to me?

Conker [finishing his booze]: I think you know who he is.

Eggman [curious]: who?

Conker: you'll see when we get there. Let's go!

[They leave]

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[Elsewhere…]

Shadow [still with fake moustache on]: um, table for two please!

Tails [Moustache on also]: Yeah.

Rouge [eyes them up and down, notices all they have is moustaches on with shoes.]: Shadow, Tails, is that you?

Shadow [shifty eyes]: I don't know anyone named Shadow.

Tails [shifty eyes also]: Yes, and what kind of name is Tails? [Tails' moustache falls off] Shit!

Shadow [yelling]: Tails we've been detected, RETREAT!

[Shadow and Tails jump through the nearest window]

Rouge [disappointed]: I guess I have to quit then… [yelling] HEY SERGE, I HAVE TO QUIT!!

Serge [Chrono Cross Serge; boss]: Sure thing Rouge.

[she leaves]

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[Outside…]

Shadow [panting]: those were the biggest tits I've ever seen!

Tails [indifferent]: meh, I've seen bigger.

Shadow: who?

Tails [shifty eyes]: People.

Shadow [curious]: Bra size?

Tails: Double H cup!

Shadow [cocks an eyebrow]: who?

Tails [not telling; shifty eyes]: people…

Shadow [no longer caring]: okay whatever; let's go back to the workshop.

[They leave.]

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[Hyrule castle gates…]

Conker [yelling]: HEY LINK, OPEN UP!!!

[The castle gates open…]

Eggman [confused]: link's going to donate to me?

Conker: Actually… Zelda's going to donate to you.

Eggman [ungrateful]: why her?

Conker: Because, she's the only person I know that has over a trillion dollars.

Eggman: Oh…

[They walk through the gates to Link and Zelda's castle.]

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[Inside the castle…]

[Eggman and Conker enter the castle and see Link and Zelda kissing on her… Um…. Throne… yeah let's go with that.]

[Conker clears his throat]

Zelda [immediately stops kissing; embarrassed]: Oh, Conker [looks over to Eggman] Eggman?

Link [horny]: what do you guys want?

Eggman [pacing while he talks]: Um, listen, I am currently living in, a homeless shelter and…

Zelda [cutting him off]: and you need a trillion dollars to get back on your feet?

Eggman: correct!

Link [confused]: Why didn't you just live in the Egg carrier?

Eggman [realizing his error]: well…. Um… Because, I… [thinking quickly] had to get it cleaned because that dirty blue hedgehog put a stink bomb in there.

Link [not believing one word]: Riiiiiiiiiiigggght, if you say so!

Zelda [produces three sacks of cash from nowhere]: this should be enough for you to buy a poorly hidden base and begin your plans for world conquest.

Eggman [slightly worried]: How did you know?

Zelda: I'm the princess I know everything! [Shifty eyes] Yes the princess knows all!

Conker [playing his gameboy advanced sp]: Huh, [looks up] did you say something? [looks back down to see that his player was killed, for he was playing killer instinct; angry] SON OF A BI—

Eggman [cutting Conker off, stuffs the three cash sacks under his um… Stomach fat] let's go Conker!

Link [Hornier]: yeah, get the hell out of here so I can have mad hylian sex with Zelda! [Zelda blushes]

Eggman [leaving]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't get your skirt tied in a knot!

Link [mad]: it's not a skirt!

Eggman: then what is it?

Link: it's a tunic!

[Conker and Eggman leave.]

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [wearing only a red speedo]: Hello Commercial viewers! Stop sending your donations I have enough money now! Instead of donating to me, Eggman I want you to [trumpets start playing, confetti starts to fly] Join the Eggman Empire! For a limited time only if you join the Eggman Empire you get a free [rips off the speedo he's wearing so he's completely naked] a patented Eggman sexy one-piece swimsuit! Yes, I have more in stock, but the first person to join will get the one that has been recently worn by me! So remember join the Eggman empire!

Andy [disgusted]: Uh…. Boss?

Eggman [ignoring him]: … You also get…

Andy [still staring at Eggman's hairy nasty balls]: ugh… Boss?

Eggman [still rambling]: Also….

Andy [yelling]: BOSS!!!

Eggman [to Andy]: what?

Andy [practically throwing up]: you're naked sir.

[Eggman looks down and sees that he's completely naked! Andy turns away, throwing up, accidentally hitting a button that makes the camera do a close-up on Eggman's balls]

Eggman [starts bucking his hips so that his testies start to jump around]: Yeah, to all those ladies wondering out there, I'm one hundred percent natural!

[Andy takes a baseball bat and destroys the camera, ending the commercial.]

Catchy jingle: pledge allegiance to Eggman! <Sparkle noise>

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[Tails' Mystic Ruins workshop/House/bumming place…]

Amy [watching TV, has seen the very Eggman commercial; disgusted a lot, but then bursts into fits of laughter]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! [On the floor clutching gut] AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HIS LITTLE TESTIES ARE SO SMALL!!!! BIG BONER MY ASS!!!!!

[Meanwhile at some random house in Japan…]

Davis [digimon Davis; has just seen the Eggman Commercial, impressed at Eggman's um…. Boldness]: Ha, I knew he had it in `em!

Veemon [Davis' digimon; kinda disgusted, worried about Davis'…. Reaction to the situation]: I don't think that's something to be impressed about Davis.

Davis: Nonsense! I'm just surprised, and impressed that Eggman had the balls to do what he just did! [No pun intended]

[Back in the mystic ruins]

Shadow [remote in hand, has just changed the channel. Currently watching “The benchwarmers”]: Ha! That Davis Spade is so fuckin' funny!

Mario [Sitting in one of Tails MANY lazy-boys, reading the mushroom kingdom times; celebrity nerd]: I believe his-a name is David Spade-a.

Shadow [throws remote into Tails' 102 in. plasma screen TV, destroying it; realizes mistake]: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Luigi [no longer bound or gagged; murderous rage]: you-a fat lazy bastard-a! You dare stuff-a the me in the closet? What's-a matter you?

Mario [still in said lazy-boy; ignoring his younger brother, reading said newspaper]: Yeah whatever…

Tails [walking into television room intent on watching some porn he stole; furious about the damage done to his tele]: Shadow [points an accusing finger] what the hell did you do to my brand new TV?!

Shadow [flailing his arms in the air]: Why does it always have to be me to blame for the destruction of your things?!

Tails: because every time you come over here something breaks!

Shadow: that's not true! [Shadow fixes a tilted lampshade on one of Tails lamps, the couch he was sitting on rips in half]

Tails [losing it]: SEE!? This shit always happens when you come over here!

Shadow: that's not true! Your stuff is just easy to break! Every time Me, Sonic, or the others come over, something breaks!

[Sonic walks into the room]

Sonic [full of happiness]: Hi guys! [Sonic slips on the floor, the lazy-boy Mario is sitting in explodes and Mario crashes into the wall]

Mario [More shocked than hurt]: What-a the hell was that?

[Sonic walks right in front of Tails plasma screen to inspect the damages]

Sonic: Wow Tails, this TV is really fucked up! [Sonic doesn't notice as the TV slowly falls toward him] The TV's is trying to contact me! [The said television crushes Sonic into the ground]

Tails [furious]: SOOOOOOONNNNNIICC!!!

Sonic [squeezes out from under the TV]: yeah Tails, like I'd drop your four thousand pound TV on myself!

Shadow [No longer caring]: well, I'm going to get a drink. Mario, you comin'?

Mario: Yeah….

[they leave]

A/N: well, that's all I got…