Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ IX ( Chapter 9 )

Subaru was a little annoyed that he was forced to stay in the wheelchair until they reached the parking garage. He might not have felt so frustrated about it, but with Seishirou standing there he really wanted to feel some sort of control over things. The wheelchair reminded him of just how helpless he'd felt since waking up.

Subaru gladly walked the few steps allowed to get to the car, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to get into it. He looked nervously over at Seishirou before he sat down, but the only expression on the assassin's face was that of patient caring. It was too good to be true. It was too strange to be real.

"Don't forget your seat belt, Subaru-kun."

Aside from that, the silence continued through most of the drive. Seishirou would cast the Sumeragi a worried glance on occasion, but Subaru was busy staring straight ahead, trying to figure out where they were and where they were going. Or, maybe he was only pretending to do so, because he had to admit to himself after a bit that he'd completely lost track of landmarks. Oh, sure, some things didn't change, and he took note of the obvious landmarks, but Tokyo had changed a lot in nine years.

"Seishirou-san," Subaru began hesitantly, "how long have we been together?"

"Five years," came the immediate reply.

There was more silence between them as Subaru mulled that over. It was a lot longer than he'd expected. "How?"

"One step at a time," Seishirou said. "Sometimes day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I think sometimes it was even second by second."

Subaru took a deep breath and held it for a moment. It was a non-answer, but it also said so much. "Then...it hasn't been easy?"

Seishirou gave him a brief look before turning his attention back to traffic. "Easy?" He gave a mirthless laugh that Subaru never would have expected. "No. Things have never been easy between us." He pulled out a cigarette and toyed with it for a moment while he talked, but he didn't light it. Instead he glanced at Subaru and put it away.

Subaru realized is hands were shaking, and seeing the cigarette had started a strange sense of longing in him. He could almost feel the paper cylinder between his fingers...almost taste the smoke as it passed his lips...he could almost feel the burning as the imagined smoke entered his lungs before Seishirou put it away. He stared at Seishirou in horror for a moment. "Did I start smoking?"

At this, Seishirou looked uncomfortable. "Yes. You told me it was soon after Hokuto's death. I was hoping you'd come out of the hospital and not be addicted anymore, since you lost your memories of smoking."

"I don't think it works that way," Subaru said. He leaned back in his chair and tried to push back the longing...he realized he'd been feeling it all along and just hadn't known what he was wanting. Waking up and reaching for something on the bedside table...he'd just never figured out what it was he was searching for.

"I won't smoke around you, to make it easier."

Subaru nodded and looked out the side window. He tried not to think about it, or how bothered he was by the idea of smoking at all. Hokuto would kill him if she knew. He felt a stinging at the corners of his eyes at that thought. He blinked rapidly to keep from crying again...it seemed like all he'd done since he found out. He wanted that cigarette more than ever now, but he refused to admit it. So he just stared blankly at the world outside and tried not to think.

"Will you at least tell me what happened?"

The question was met with silence for a while. Subaru looked over to see the reluctance on Seishirou's face. It took a while before he nodded. "After we get home," he said quietly.

Subaru would just have to accept that.