Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ X ( Chapter 10 )

'After we get home' turned into 'after you get settled' and then 'after we eat lunch' and finally 'after I go have a cigarette' and the day passed in uncomfortable silence. Subaru couldn't help but noticing that Seishirou had stepped outside for half an hour to have that last cigarette. He finally decided to go outside and force the issue if he had to.

Seishirou was just lighting another cigarette when Subaru stepped out onto the apartment's balcony. They just looked at each other for a few moments, and then Seishirou turned away and sighed. "You have no idea how hard this is."

"You're right. I don't." Subaru held a hand out for a cigarette, and Seishirou reluctantly handed one over.

"Those are bad for you, you know." Even as he spoke, he handed the lighter over. It was warm from being clutched in Seishirou's hand.

"Somehow, I have a feeling that these are the least of the things bad for me in this world."

Seishirou looked away. "You're probably right."

This conversation wasn't going at all like Subaru had expected. He looked down at his hands where he was easily holding the cigarette. It felt just as familiar as he thought it would. He took another long moment to wonder what exactly he thought he was doing. Did he want to do this? Or did he want to take this chance to be quit of a habit he didn't remember having?

He was still staring at them when Seishirou started to talk. "I think the story starts with the night I came to you and asked you to kill me. Or, more precisely, when I tried to kill you and hoped to God I wouldn't succeed."

Subaru quietly handed the cigarette and lighter back. Seishirou accepted them with a nod, but his expression was still carefully neutral.

"Why?"

"I'd had a job that went horribly wrong, and I think I lost my mind." He looked at the half smoked cigarette and stubbed it out in the nearby ashtray. He didn't even look at Subaru before he walked back inside. Subaru followed quietly, and they sat across from each other at the dining table.

Subaru felt himself slipping into a pattern that had helped him on the more emotionally trying jobs he'd had. "Tell me what happened," he invited calmly. He distanced himself from the "case" and prepared to just listen to whatever Seishirou had to say. It was the only way he could wrap his mind around what had just been said.

Seishirou shook his head. "It was a bad night, and I wanted to die. I wanted you to be the one to kill me. I couldn't stop thinking about something my mother told me, when I killed her. She said it was a beautiful thing to be killed by the one you loved, and I did not want to miss my chance."

Subaru shivered, feeling like someone had just run an ice cube up his spine. Such a twisted idea of love and beauty. "Why did you think you might miss your chance?"

Silence. Seishirou didn't even bother to pretend he might answer that. He just waited, looking as if he'd never heard Subaru's question.

"You're not going to tell me what happened?"

"No," Seishirou answered in a calm and even voice, looking directly into Subaru's eyes. "What happened to make me think about that doesn't matter. What matters is what happened between us after." His expression was completely closed off for a long moment before he stood and gave Subaru a sunny smile. "I'm going to make tea. Would you like some?"

"Okay," Subaru agreed with a touch of confusion. The smile would have looked at home on the kind and caring veterinarian Subaru remembered, but now he just knew that this was a false front. It was a mask for Seishirou to wear. He wondered what that meant for what had happened that night. How bad had it been? If Seishirou didn't want to talk about it...if it had driven him to do something like that--

A cup of tea was placed before him while he tried to think of the possibilities. "Subaru-kun, you did almost kill me that night. And, because of that, you almost killed yourself. You see, when Hokuto-chan died, she used her death to cast one last spell. While she lay in my arms, breathing her last, she told me what the spell was, because she wanted it to never be invoked. If I were to kill you in the manner I had killed her, I would die and you would survive. The same would happen if you tried to kill me. So, that night, I tried to kill myself by killing you."

Subaru wanted to ask why, but he knew Seishirou would not answer that. That was the question he'd been avoiding this entire conversation. What could have driven him to want to die? He took a sip of the tea and tried to come up with another question. It took a moment, because that question was all he wanted to know, but he gave in and asked the next logical question. "What happened next?"

It seemed like Seishirou slumped in relief at this question. He gave a small and genuine smile, wrapping his hands around his own cup of tea. "I was caught off guard. I suppose I had been weakened, and my will to live effected how well I fought. I was knocked unconscious, and the last thought I had was that I was scared you would die at that moment by trying to kill me. There was nothing I could do. But, I knew beyond all doubt that I did not want you to die.

"I woke up in the hospital, and I hated myself for waking up. I was sure that meant you were dead." Seishirou paused to sip his tea, and Subaru was on the edge of his seat for even this small break in the story. "I thought at first that I was upset because that meant you would not be the one to kill me. It was the only way I could justify feeling anything over your death. When I tried to tell myself that though, I knew I was wrong. After everything that had happened, I--

"I think, if I could have remembered how, I think I might have cried. I don't know; it's something that is still beyond me. I felt worse than I ever imagined I could though. It's then that I thought further upon what my mother had said. She told me that some day I would find someone I loved. She had loved me more than any other, and that was why she was destined to die by my hand. It didn't bother her that I did not feel the same for her, but she said some day I would find someone. She knew I did not love her. She--"

Subaru shifted uncomfortably. It was hard to imagine that this was the same person who had attacked him in the last concrete memory Subaru had of his life before. Seishirou was looking into his tea as if it might offer up answers to the universe that he hadn't been able to find anywhere else. He suddenly put the cup down with a dull thud and looked into Subaru's eyes. "A while later you walked into the room, and I had a strong sense of déjà vu. You'd been crying, and I couldn't imagine why you'd want to cry for me after what I'd done. For a wild moment it was like I'd been transported back in time, and you were still crying over my stupid eye. Really, Subaru-kun, you still look at me like you feel guilty over that some days."

"Maybe I do," he said, looking down at the table. He pretended that the pattern in the wood was more interesting than, well, anything else. It took an act of will to look up and see Seishirou's expression. That, of course, brought his gaze automatically to the eye in question, and he cringed inwardly.

"Don't. It's silly. I don't know how many times we've had this talk, but it never does any good." Still, Seishirou was smiling fondly at Subaru, as if this was something he had grown used to. An endearing character flaw to tease about.

Subaru looked back down at his hands, wrapped around the teacup. "I ran into a man who was blind. It was that morning--I was on my way to visit you when I saw some kids teasing the man's seeing eye dog. I chased them away, and we started talking. I thought, maybe I should--that it was my duty to help you, if you needed it. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I just wanted to make up for standing there so you felt you had to save me. Everything was all my fault, and I had to make up for it somehow, so--"

"Subaru-kun." Seishirou's lips were twitching, trying to hold in laughter. "Are you saying you wanted to be my seeing eye dog?"

"Leave it to you to think of it like that," Subaru glared. He'd tried to share something important, and it was turned into a joke. It was...well...humiliating. He didn't even know now why he'd bothered. Why was he trying to open up to the person who had nearly killed him, and had killed his sister? "Never mind. I don't want to hear the rest of it. I think I'm tired again." It wasn't entirely a lie, but it was an exaggeration. He just wanted some time to himself. He had to think and regain his perspective.

"Subaru." Seishirou looked like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to explain or apologize.

Subaru did not want to hear it though. He stood up and walked into the living room. He'd considered locking himself in the bedroom, but that was a worse embarrassment. There was only one bedroom...and of course there was only one bed. He refused to think about what that meant about the two of them. So, he stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes, ending the conversation he'd been so eager to hear.

"I'll see you later tonight," Seishirou finally said. "I have a job."

How did I live with him like this? How did I live with myself knowing who and what he was? He says he has a job like it's something perfectly natural, but he's going out to kill someone!

Some time later Subaru heard the front door click closed. The whole apartment felt different without the presence of the Sakurazukamori, and Subaru rolled off the couch and stood uneasily. He really had needed the rest...he had just been discharged after all.

He walked over to the small suitcase that he'd brought home with him from the hospital. An outside pocket held the phone number Kamui had given him the day before. With trembling hands he picked up the phone and dialed.

"Kamui, it's me. I tried, but I don't know how I did it. Can I leave now? Please?"