Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ XI ( Chapter 11 )

Kamui was looking at Subaru with sheer exasperation. "I still think it wasn't enough time to form an opinion, unless he tried to kill you or something. Come on, Subaru, tell me what happened!"

"No."

"How am I supposed to talk you out of this if you won't tell me what happened?"

Subaru blinked a few times, looking at Kamui as if to double-check his sanity. "I think you just answered your own question. I don't want to be talked out of this."

Kamui crossed his arms stubbornly. "Why not?"

Subaru found himself glaring despite the obviously friendly intentions Kamui had. "He's not here right now because he has a job, Kamui. Do I need to tell you what that job is? He's out there right now for the express purpose of killing someone. He is taking the life of a human being, and he left as casually as if he were off to file papers for a living!"

"I don't know," Kamui answered in a small voice. "You've always loved him anyway, somehow."

"How? How is it possible? How can I love someone who embodies everything I've been taught to abhor? From the day I became head of the Sumeragi --from the day I was born--he has been my antithesis. I don't know how I could set that aside without hating myself every moment of every day."

That, of course, had to be the answer. Subaru swallowed hard, trying to come to terms with that thought. It wasn't such a shock to realize he must have hated himself. At sixteen, it wasn't a far cry from reality in the first place. He just didn't think about it. Each failure he faced though...each job that went wrong...each person he just couldn't save...each time it wore away just a little more at his soul and self-esteem. There were too many no-win situations in this field, and it was too easy to blame himself for not being good enough in one way or another. How much more would nine years of this add to the hollow feeling surrounding his heart?

Kamui silently put a hand on Subaru's shoulder. They stood that way for a while, neither of them wanting to talk.

"How can I forgive him for being my enemy?"

Kamui looked as if he'd been slapped. He took a step and a half backward and began rubbing absently at a rather obvious scar that ran in a line on both sides of his hand. Subaru had noticed it before, but hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask about it. Whatever it was had to have been painful. As he traced the line on the back of his hand, then on the palm, he began to speak softly. "You told me once that sometimes necessity dictates our actions. Necessity doesn't always give us a choice about what side of the battle we're on, and even when it does we don't always know what it means until too late."

"I don't understand how any of this could be necessary. He...he...he killed Hokuto! Why would that be necessary?"

Kamui was pale and almost shivering at this point. He backed out of the room, mouth working silently for a moment or two before he found his voice. "I won't try to talk you out of it anymore. Nokoru-sama has assured us all repeatedly that we're welcome to stay here as long as necessary, so make yourself at home. I-I'm sure we'll find each other working together again at some point."

"Kamui?"

It was amazing how fast the teenager could run when he put his mind to it. Subaru entertained the thought of trying to catch up, but he was still injured and weary, and he wasn't sure this was the time to be testing his limits.

"What did I say?" he questioned aloud to the empty corridor.

He was surprised when a door down a little way opened up and Arashi's head poked out. "Sumeragi-san." Her face was a study in polite hesitation. It was obvious she had something to say about this, but she also as obviously wasn't sure that it was her place to be the one to say it.

"I said something I really shouldn't have, didn't I?"

She nodded. "If anyone had doubted your amnesia, this would be proof."

Subaru winced. It was that bad? "What--what was it? What happened?"

Arashi hesitated a bit before walking out into the corridor to join him. She was in her ever-present schoolgirl uniform, and her hair draped across her frame like a delicate curtain. She was pretty, he decided, and he could appreciate what Sorata saw in her. She was a living work of art--so why had it taken him so long to look at her? He realized though that he wasn't really looking at her now. Not like that.

Before he could spend any time in speculation though, she was standing within conversational range and frowning speculatively. "You were the one who knew more about this than the rest of us. It seems strange to explain it to you. Nevertheless, it seems that someone must. Kamui was given a choice. He had to decide if he wanted to protect the earth, or protect humanity."

Subaru nodded impatiently. He knew that much--who didn't? It had been foretold long ago, after all.

"What no one knew was that once he made his choice, another would rise to defend the choice he abandoned. His twin star. This turned out to be his best friend, Monou Fuuma. That person became the other Kamui, and we have been fighting him and the others since the decision was made.

"When the other Kamui awoke within Monou, he pinned Kamui with the Shinken to a slab of concrete. The other then tied his own sister up to the remains of crossbeams and killed her as Kamui watched. Those two were the only family Kamui had left, and I suspect he liked the little sister more than even that."

"He killed his own sister?" Subaru stared in horror, feeling it all the more for the deadpan way in which she had delivered this bit of history.

"Hinoto-hime told us that if Monou had not, Kamui himself would have. This was unavoidable. It was part of destiny, or necessity if you want to call it that. And, despite what happened, apparently Kamui most wishes to save Monou-san from this fate. Maybe it's him that Kamui loved most...he--never mind." She looked away, and clearly meant that this was not the kind of speculation she should be making. Before Subaru could ask, she shook her head and went on. "Kamui has looked to you this whole time as his hope. So much of what you've been through is similar to what he has had to face these past few months, and he clearly hoped that if you could find hope and happiness with the one you love, he might as well."

"Then, you think I should return to Seishirou-san so Kamui can feel better about his own life?"

Her gaze was steady and her eyes piercing as she delivered her next pronouncement. "I think you should be honest with Kamui. To do that, you must be honest with yourself." She then strode impatiently back to her room. "If you want truth, Sumeragi-san, you should honestly seek it."