Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ XX ( Chapter 20 )

Subaru didn't sleep the entire day, though he was in and out for it. Sorata and Arashi showed up for a bit--for all her protests over his behavior, they seemed to spend a lot of time together. The arrived with the news that Kamui was in the same hospital, but they did not know where Yuzuriha was. Subaru was worried, but there was nothing he could do.

They didn't stay long, thankfully. He napped for a while, but he was forced to eat and then interrupted again when Sorata bounced in with the news that Yuzuriha was, amazingly enough, in the same hospital they were in. She'd been brought in by a friend of hers that no one else knew...but Inuki wasn't there. That's all Sorata would say. There was a look of deep sorrow there that told Subaru all he needed to know. Inuki had been killed in the attack, and that is what had brought Yuzuriha's kekkai crumbling down.

He tried not to brood on it, but it was painful news to bear. He was wide awake and staring at the darkening sky outside the window when Seishirou arrived. Subaru turned to look at him with a hopeful smile, noticing that Seishirou looked rested and freshly showered.

"Have you gotten enough rest, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asked with a bright smile.

Subaru warmed under the smile, feeling all of the worry of the day melting away. "I've been in and out of sleep all day, and I think I'm tired of being tired."

"Good! That means you'll be awake enough for us to talk about this, right?" Seishirou was still wearing the same smile, but it was easier to see now how it wasn't a real smile at all. It was still so easy for Seishirou to put on that mask of kindness, and Subaru realized he wanted to be fooled by it.

"I guess so," Subaru agreed slowly. He didn't want to talk about it. Not really. Not ever. But, he would. If anyone had a right to answers right now, it was Seishirou.

The false smile was gone and Seishirou sat in his usual spot at the edge of Subaru's bed. "I don't think I have to tell you how foolish it is of you to harbor such a dangerous Wish," he said in a low tone.

Subaru sighed, frowning. "Maybe...but it's all still right there in my mind. It's like it only happened a few weeks ago instead of years. It's all my fault you lost your eye, and I can't forget that. You told me it was your decision to protect me, and that for that reason I should not blame myself. You didn't want to though. It was all part of that stupid bet, and for the last week all I've been able to think about is you did something like that for me when you shouldn't have. I shouldn't have needed protection, and you shouldn't have stood in the way."

"For that reason, you decided this would be okay?" Seishirou gently stroked the bandage over Subaru's eye, emphasizing his words.

"It was an acceptable loss."

Seishirou pulled his hand back as if stung. His eyes hardened and his face fell into a neutral blankness. They stared at each other in silence, neither one knowing quite what to say after that statement. Subaru knew he'd said the wrong thing as soon as it had passed his lips, but there was no rewind button on life. He simply couldn't take it back.

"No, it isn't acceptable," Seishirou finally replied, frowning.

"Well, it's too late whether or not it was, so it doesn't matter," Subaru said peevishly. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively. But...that wasn't what he wanted to say. He didn't want to get into a fight with Seishirou over this. He just...he...he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what he'd expected. "I'm sorry," he said softly, rolling onto his side and curling up into a ball. "I don't think I'm ready to talk about this."

Seishirou nodded and started rubbing Subaru's back. More than ever, Subaru felt broken by this show of kindness and comfort. He wasn't tired so much as weary...weary with the weight of unremembered years and pressed down by the weight of grief and responsibility. Seishirou's hand seemed to remind him of everything he'd been carrying, and how he just wanted to give up sometimes. And how, if he ever did give up, there was only one way he wanted out.

He wanted to die in Seishirou's arms some day. He didn't know when he'd come to that decision, but if he had to die he wanted it to be that way. But, being with Seishirou like this robbed him of that chance. If they loved each other, they would not want to kill each other. But still...but still...that's the only way he wanted to leave.

It was something he could never ask. He saw how much Seishirou love him and cherished him. Why? He still didn't understand that change. There hadn't been enough of Seishirou's story to tell him what had changed his mind. Subaru thought back to the explanation and frowned. It had been because Seishirou wanted the same thing--to die by Subaru's hand. To die in the arms of the one he loved? But, that would imply that Seishirou had loved him before. It was a dizzying thought, and one he wasn't entirely comfortable with. If not then, when had Seishirou discovered love? Before or after he killed Hokuto?

"Seishirou-san..." He didn't realize he had spoken out loud until he heard his own whispered voice.

"Yes, Subaru?" Seishirou's voice was just as soft. It was gentle enough that Subaru could almost forget everything but how much love he had for the older man. Almost.

"How did I do it? How did I manage to forgive you, before?"

There was no answer for a very long time, but Seishirou was still gently rubbing Subaru's back. It was relaxing, and he was almost lulled back to sleep by it, but he struggled to stay awake so he would hear the answer.

Finally, Seishirou sighed. "I'm not sure you ever did."

It was the only answer Subaru could get from Seishirou that night.