Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ XXI ( Chapter 21 )

Seishirou was there every day for at least a few hours, though sometimes it was all day. They lowered Subaru's pain medication and kept a close look on his eye. He woke up in the grip of nightmares every night, replaying the moment where he lost his eye, or where Seishirou had lost his eye. Once in a while the two memories melded with a third and though he didn't remember these he knew one thing about them. He woke from them with his sister's name upon his lips and tears streaming down his face or soaked into the pillow.

Time passed.

As soon as he was allowed, he walked into Kamui's room and kept the boy company. Sometimes he went alone. Sometimes Seishirou went with him. Subaru wasn't sure what to expect when those two interacted, but it was surprisingly civil. Would they still be civil if Subaru weren't there? Would they bother talking? Would they fight?

That question brought another to mind, and Subaru asked it as he walked with Seishirou back to his room one afternoon. "Seishirou-san...have we been fighting on opposite sides? Or did you somehow...uh...find a way out?"

"We haven't fought each other," Seishirou said. "Not over the fate of the world at least," he amended with a grin.

Subaru frowned. It was an answer, of sorts. He wasn't in the mood for games, however. His head was starting to hurt again, and he'd finally remembered, while talking to Kamui, how he'd gone Within the boy's mind and helped him after Kotori's death. Despite that, he could still not remember a thing about having a relationship with Seishirou. "Are you?"

With a telltale sign of discomfort, Seishirou reached into his coat pocket and started pulling out his box of cigarettes. He stopped himself, but not in time for Subaru to miss what that signified. "I have been," he finally said.

Subaru stopped in the middle of the hall. "Why?"

"Why not?"

It was the last thing Subaru wanted to hear from Seishirou's mouth. "Don't joke with me about that," he said, glaring.

The reply was chilling. Seishirou shrugged and said, "I never have."

Subaru threw his hands in the air and continued on to his room. Seishirou followed calmly behind as if nothing of any importance had just transpired. Subaru sat down on his bed before he tried again. "There are many reasons why not. I thought it would be obvious. At the very least, if all of humanity came to an end, neither of us would be here. No more of...whatever it is we've had for the last five years."

"Don't you believe in an afterlife?"

This left Subaru momentarily flustered. "Of course I do! How could I not? I deal with the spirits of the dead on a daily basis. That's hardly a guarantee we'll be together after we die!"

"Maybe." Seishirou wore an enigmatic smile that only served to upset Subaru more.

"Seishirou-san! How can you take this so lightly! We're talking about the end of everything we know here. How can you act like you don't care?"

"Because it's not an act, Subaru-kun." There was that look of the killer once again. The cold assassin who cared for nothing in this world. "I have told you before. I don't care. One way or another, I don't care about the results of this battle, so I've decided I will not fight destiny. I've accepted my role, just as you have. A month ago, though, you cared about the fate of this world just as much as I did."

Subaru's eyes went wide in shock. "Me? How could you say that?"

"Because it's true. You've fought because it is your duty. You are fulfilling an obligation thrust upon you by your position. The only argument you could give me, in all these years, for doing so has been the same one you just gave me. A selfish reason. It's a flattering reason, I'll admit, but it is the only one you've ever challenged me with."

"If your side wins, so many people will die," Subaru said weakly. But, that was hardly a valid point to someone who murdered on a daily basis, was it?

"People die every day, Subaru-kun. If humanity ends though, there will be no one left to mourn."

"The spirits left behind--"

"Would heal," Seishirou finished. "Or are you so happy with your own life that you think it would be a shame to move on?"

Subaru flinched. He couldn't remember. There had to be a day in his life where he was just happy to be here. There must be at least one single day where he'd looked forward to what was to come. He desperately recalled one morning when the hope and joy and anticipation had been enough to fill his whole life...if it had not been ripped from him so violently by the man he loved. The man who stood here now and told him death was preferable to this life.

Before that day...?

Well, before me met Seishirou, Subaru hadn't felt much of anything at all. He went through the motions of life. He loved, he laughed, he did his duty, but he hadn't really been there for it. Funny that he'd learned to feel only at the hands of an emotionless man.

"Not everyone wants to die."

Seishirou sat down next to Subaru and placed a hand lovingly on his shoulder. "Very few people truly want to die, Subaru." The assassin reached up and softly brushed Subaru's cheek, ran a finger lightly over Subaru's lips, and smiled softly. "Fewer people actually want to live, however."

"I can't believe that," came the soft reply, choked with unshed tears.

"You don't have to." Seishirou was bending closer, finger hooked under Subaru's chin and lifting slightly, eyes trained on Subaru's mouth. When Subaru licked his lips nervously, Seishirou grinned. "It's my job to believe these things, and yours not to."

Subaru nodded, though he was more mesmerized with Seishirou's proximity than his words. He unconsciously wrapped his arms around Seishirou's waist, as if it were the most natural thing for him to do in the world. "Oh," he whispered softly.

"I do love you, Subaru."

"Then, why doesn't it matter to you if we both die?"

"Because I don't want to lose you. I never want to grieve for you." Seishirou's lips were brushing against Subaru's now, almost a kiss. They breathed the same air, looking at each other for a moment. Subaru wore a slightly shocked expression, mingled with nervous anticipation. Seishirou looked faintly amused, as always, but there was also an intense seriousness to his face that made Subaru's heart speed up. "I--"

There was a knock at the door, and the almost silent swish of it opening and someone walking in. "Time for your medication, Sumeragi-san," a nurse said brightly, ignoring the scene she'd walked in on.

Subaru jumped away guiltily.

He knew objectively that it wasn't...but as far as Subaru was concerned, that had almost been his first kiss. He blushed, looking everywhere but at Seishirou, and moved back all the way onto the bed. He quickly swallowed the pills with water and rested on the bed with the head inclined so he was mostly sitting still. The nurse checked a few things, and then left with a bit more of a grin than Subaru was comfortable with.

He forced his thoughts back to the conversation they'd been having, and he tried to think about it objectively. He frowned. "If we both die--" he began.

Seishirou cut him off by placing a finger over his lips. "If we both die, it won't matter who else is left. Not to me. You are all I care about in the world."

"I don't want to mourn you either, Seishirou-san."

He didn't answer in words. Instead, Seishirou bent over and finally kissed Subaru. It was a chaste kiss, just a touching of the lips, but for Subaru it was much more. For Subaru, it nearly broke his mind and soul.