Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Are You Steady Now? ❯ Simple Life in a Quiet Town ( Chapter 1 )

“Are You Steady Now?”

Part 1: Simple Life in a Quiet Town

By: Omni-sama

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Rated: NC-17 (for later chapters)

Warnings: Language, sexual situations (yaoi and het), possible Gluhen spoilers, complete and total disregard of Side B.

Disclaimer: WK belongs to Koyasu and Project Weiss, as well as other people. None of those people are me. Also, this was inspired by “Steady as She Goes” by the Raconteurs. Main title and chapter titles come from said song.

Notes: Izakaya= a style of restaurant where a group usually goes, sits at a low table, eats random food (like different types of sushi, yakitori, etc…nothing that's like a real meal), and drink.

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“We should go to Kamakura this Sunday.”

 

Ryou looked up from his newspaper and across the table at Asuka while she cleared off the now empty breakfast plates. “Kamakura?” he asked, an amused and quizzical smile on his lips. “Why Kamakura?”

 

“I've always loved Kamakura,” the woman explained, her dark brown eyes sparkling at the mere thought of the town. “I thought we'd go and enjoy a nice day there. Visit a few if the famous temples. Maybe go to Kotokuin and see the giant Buddha statue.”

 

“And see if there are any houses for sale?” Folding his paper, Ryou fixed the woman with a smirk and arced brow, letting her know that he was on to her.

 

Blushing a little, Asuka nodded as she finished clearing off the table. “Well, like I said… I've always loved Kamakura. It would be a great place to live. Only about an hour away from Tokyo by train, so it won't be too bad a commute for either of us. And it's so peaceful, Ryou… It'd be a perfect place to raise children.” Her blush increased as she said the last line, her eyes unable to meet his and a shy smile on her lips.

 

Biting back a sigh, Ryou maintained a warm smile and did his best to seem just as interested in such things as she was. He didn't think it would help to get into yet another argument over children. They'd been down that road one too many times, in his opinion, that he'd decided to just let it slide whenever she said something like that. He didn't want children because he didn't feel he was ready for them. Sure, they could afford it. After all, they both worked and brought in a fair amount of money. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that Ryou had no idea who he was. It was also the reason they weren't married officially yet. He shared her name and her home, and they even called each other husband and wife, but it wasn't official. There was never a ceremony, not even an informal exchange of rings. His reasons for not making their “marriage” official were the same as his reasons for not wanting children. If he doesn't know who he is, then who is to say that there wasn't a lover or wife waiting for him somewhere? Maybe he even had a child already. Marrying another, even through ignorance, would be bigamy.

 

As time passed, however, he was letting himself be more and more convinced by Asuka that they should make it official and start on creating a real family. After all, if there really was a wife or lover waiting for him, surely he would have been reported as a missing person. But, there were no reports matching his description, and no one responded to the report they sent out to see if anyone recognized him. Even though when Asuka talked about him it sounded as though she was talking about a lost cat, Ryou knew she had a point. No one had claimed him, so he could officially be hers.

 

Even so, he continued to hold back. Some part of him knew that there was someone out there waiting for him. And, as long as that feeling remained, he couldn't bring himself to actually marry her.

 

“I have to go to work.” Setting the newspaper on the table, Ryou stood and ran his hands down his suit to work out any wrinkles. “We'll talk more about this tonight when I get home.” His smile never faltered, and he walked around the table to gently embrace her and place a soft kiss to her lips. She beamed a happy smile back at him and something inside him twisted almost painfully. But he continued to smile. He rarely let himself show anything besides happiness and contentment in her presence. She deserved as much, he told himself, after all she had done for him.

 

“Will you be home by eight again tonight?” she asked, running her fingers through his dark blond hair that had grown out to just below his ears.

 

“No, I'll probably be in later tonight. A few of the guys asked me to come with them to a new izakaya near work. Is there anything you need for me to pick up for you on my way back?” After she shook her head no, he flashed another smile and pulled out of her embrace to head towards the door. “Alright then, I'm off.”

 

“Have a good day at work.”

 

“You, too.”

 

The walk to the subway station was relatively short, and he swiped his card over the reader at the metro entrance with a disinterested air. The train was on time, as always, and he boarded along with the other salarymen and some school kids. It was five stops until he would reach his station, so he found himself a seat and proceeded to stare off into space. Every day was exactly the same for him. Get up, go to work, drink with friends, come home, go to bed, repeat ad nauseam. Maybe he needed a hobby. Or a different job. But what else could he get, really? He was lucky that he was even able to get this job, considering he has no identity and no way of knowing what education or training he's had. He had his friend Takatori Mamoru to thank for that, though.

 

The young man had come to visit Ryou in the hospital after hearing the report about him. It seemed that Takatori was hoping it would be a friend of his. What he found was Ryou, instead. Even so, Takatori stayed and spent time with Ryou until they had started to develop a friendship of sorts. Every few days the young man would return and spend time with the amnesiac. Eventually, it was Takatori who pulled the right strings in order to provide Ryou with a temporary identity and a job. Takatori was also the one to suggest that Ryou move in with Asuka as if they were married, explaining that it would help the credibility of his identity. Ryou owed the man a lot, and considered him one of his closest friends. He made a mental note to pay his friend a visit soon, just as the train pulled into the Nihonbashi station.

 

Releasing a sigh, he stood and exited onto the platform.

 

-----

 

“Quittin' time, Itou!” A young man with short brown hair approached Ryou's desk, a big grin on his face. “You still comin' with us to that new izakaya?”

 

“Of course I am, Takeuchi.” He felt a smirk come to his lips that was more real than any of the smiles he gave Asuka. At least there was something good about his life—his friends. They always succeeded in making things interesting.

 

“Great! Red comin' too?”

 

Ryou felt his smile grow a little. Yes, he adored the hell out of his friends, especially one in particular. “Yeah. He said he doesn't have work or classes tonight, so he'll meet us there.”

 

There was a group of five of them from the office that would always go out together afterwards for a drink or occasionally a meal. One man, however, was an acquaintance Ryou had made outside of work. It happened several months ago, not long after he had started at his new job and his new life. Confusion and melancholy continued to weigh down on him as he tried to adjust to his new life and the realization that he may never remember who he was.

 

Just as now, his two biggest concerns at that time were Asuka and his job. He felt awkward working where he was, and just as awkward being with Asuka. Even though they were living like mock husband and wife, they still had yet to know each other in that sense. Clumsy make-out sessions were as far as they'd gotten by that time. Asuka had told him that she understood his hesitance, and was willing to take things as slowly as he needed, but he could tell that she was more than eager to take things further.

 

At that time he hadn't made the friends at the office that he would eventually spend most evenings with, and would usually just go straight home after work. One night, however, everything became too much for him and he made a detour to a nearby bar. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed anything from the time he had entered the bar to the time he had finished his second scotch. He wasn't even sure why he had ordered scotch, or even if he had actually placed the order. He just remembered there was scotch.

 

“What's got you so down?”

 

That was the other thing he had remembered—that voice. It was deep yet almost quiet. His head had snapped up at the sound, and what he saw was quite possibly the most beautiful man he had ever seen. How he had missed the bartender when he entered and received his first two drinks, he wasn't sure, but he most certainly noticed him from that moment on. Standing behind the bar, a bottle of golden scotch in hand, was a man with deep red hair and violet eyes, dressed in a simple white dress shirt with the first couple of buttons undone and a pair of black slacks. The dim light of the bar flashed briefly off the silver of a necklace mostly hidden within the fabric of the shirt. At first it looked like that wine-red hair was short, but with a slight turn of the head Ryou noticed that it was pulled up in a small ponytail that implied it probably fell to the man's shoulders when loose. For a moment, Ryou was stunned speechless.

 

“Sir?”

 

Shaking his head, Ryou snapped himself out of his momentary daze in order to focus on the man's words. “Ah, sorry… What was that?”

 

“I asked what had you so down.”

 

“Oh.” Ryou hesitated. He had never once voiced any of his thoughts on his problems since waking up with amnesia, simply stepped back and allowed everyone else to voice things and decide for him. It wasn't until it was too late that he'd realized his mistake in doing so. But should he tell this stranger?

 

The bartender gave a smile that Ryou could only describe as sad, though he supposed that most others would just view it as friendly. “I think it's supposed to be part of my job,” the man explained with a shrug. “You know, acting like a therapist and bartender all in one.”

 

For some reason, Ryou felt he could trust this man, and he proceeded to pour his heart out on the bar. As he talked, he noticed that for the most part the bartender would seem intently focused on a random glass that needed cleaning, though he nodded to show he was listening. There were a few times, however, where the man would look up at Ryou with the same intently-focused look, which caused Ryou to shift his own focus down at his glass of scotch. When he had nothing more to say, he felt a strange weight lifted off his chest. It was good to be able to talk to someone about everything, he realized. The bartender didn't offer any advice, just an understanding and sympathetic ear. Ryou thanked him and went home, but he would frequently return to the bar after work in order to talk with the bartender some more. He didn't always talk about his problems, but instead found a wide range of things to talk about with the other man. It was nice, since at that point he had no one else to talk to in such a way. Conversations with Asuka were never so involved and interesting, usually limited to idle chit-chat about how each other's days were. Soon a friendship had formed between Ryou and the bartender, who he eventually learned was named Ran.

 

Unfortunately, he didn't get to patron the bar for too long, since it closed down within a month after he'd first gone, due to the strange disappearance of the owner. Ryou and Ran continued to spend time together, however, and Ran even started coming along when Ryou was invited out by newly-made friends from the office. There were times that Ryou worried about Ran's finances, since he'd lost his job at the bar and was also going to college part-time. But, he'd dismissed those concerns the first time he'd seen Ran's car. The man drove a Caterham Super Seven. Obviously he'd managed to find some job that paid well enough to pay for his schooling and a damn fine car like that. Ryou loved Ran's car, actually. The few times he'd gotten to ride in it were precious memories for him. It was too bad that Tokyo had such excellent public transportation, or else Ryou would have been able to bum more rides from his friend instead of take the subway home.

 

When they arrived at the izakaya, Ran was waiting for them on the sidewalk outside, dressed casually in jeans and a black T-shirt and his hair down. Ryou felt his walking speed up slightly as he moved to greet his friend. Soon they were all up the stairs and inside the izakaya, being led to a slightly raised area where the tables sat. After removing their shoes and placing them in wooden cubbies, the men gathered around a table and proceeded to order whatever food looked good on the menu and a selection of drinks just as varied. The whole izakaya was loud with the buzzing of conversations from other tables, the occasional eruption of laughter or a particularly loud voice causing the overall sound to fluctuate.

 

How they ended up sitting had Ryou on one of the longer sides of the of the table with a friendly yet geeky man named Kobayashi sitting to his left and Ran sitting at one of the table's heads to his right. The evening proceeded nicely, filled with good food, better drinks, and entertaining conversations. But then Ryou noticed Ran pull out a pack of cigarettes, something he'd never seen the man do before. As he watched his friend tap one out, place it between his lips, then light it, Ryou tilted his head in confusion.

 

“I didn't know you smoked, Ran.”

 

Everyone's eyes turned to the man in question as they all realized the truth in the statement. It wasn't a big deal or anything, the men were just curious. They found Ryou's friend to be quite mysterious but in an interesting way, and they always enjoyed learning more about him.

 

Shrugging, Ran took a slow drag from the cigarette before holding it away from his lips and blowing the smoke out and downwards, so that it wouldn't fly into anyone's face. “I don't usually. But every now and then, I miss the smell.”

 

“The smell?” asked Arai, the man sitting to Ran's right, directly across from Ryou.

 

Ran nodded slightly as he took another puff, but he took his time exhaling it as if he were stalling to answer. “My ex-lover used to smoke this brand,” he explained almost too softly for them to hear over the din of the restaurant.

 

Sato, a middle-aged man with thin glasses who sat at the other end of the table from Ran, made a disapproving and rather dismissive sound with a waving hand motion to match. “If she left you, she's not worth missing to the point of smoking her brand of cigarettes. It was her loss, not yours.”

 

Ryou was about to nod in agreement, but then he noticed the sad little smirk forming on Ran's lips as the man looked down at the burning cigarette between his fingers. “Perhaps I should rephrase that,” he said, “My late lover used to smoke this brand when he was alive.”

 

As if a switch had been flicked, the table took on a more somber note, everyone mumbling their condolences and looking down at their food. Ryou noticed Arai raise a hand to rub comfortingly at Ran's back. He wasn't sure why, but he felt his jaw clench at the sight. There was a mild awkwardness mixed with the solemnity that had fallen over the table, but it was more a result of the mention of someone having died than of the gender of Ran's lover.

 

Eventually everyone started trying to find a good topic to turn the conversation towards. Sato, Takeuchi, and Kobayashi started talking about some new policy being implemented at work. Ryou tried to include himself in the conversation, but was far too distracted by watching Arai and Ran out of the corner of his eye. Arai had secretly placed one of his business cards on the table and slid it towards Ran with a motion that went unseen by the other men at the table. Unless, of course, they were watching intently—like Ryou. With his hand still on Ran's back, Arai leaned in and said something to the redhead in a voice too quiet to be heard by anyone else. Ryou heard a snap and felt a sudden dull pain in his hand. Looking down, he realized he'd broken his chopsticks.

 

“I think it's time I headed home,” he heard himself say as he dropped his ruined chopsticks onto one of the empty plates in front of him. He stood and offered a smile and an apology to everyone, though his eyes avoided Ran and Arai. After exchanging parting words, he retrieved his shoes and all but fled the restaurant. As soon as he was out on the sidewalk again, he paused to lean against a light pole in an attempt to calm himself. He wasn't sure why he was getting so upset by what he saw. Well, if he was to be perfectly honest with himself, he knew exactly why he was feeling so upset. That wasn't something he wanted to think about or admit to himself, however. He had enough problems in his life, and really didn't need to add falling for his best friend as one of them.

 

A hand came down upon his shoulder, causing him to jump. Turning, he saw Ran standing there with a concerned look on his face. “Jesus, Ran! You startled me!”

 

“Sorry,” responded his friend without any indication that he truly was. “I noticed you were upset or uncomfortable about something, which is most likely why you left. I thought I'd come out to see if you're alright.”

 

“I'm fine. You can go back inside. After all, I'm sure Arai's waiting.” Ryou cursed the touch of bitterness he tasted in his own words.

 

Looking down and away, Ran gave a small nod before directing his eyes to look Ryou square in the face again. “I thought that might have something to do with it. You're uncomfortable with my sexuality?”

 

He couldn't help it; he let out a sharp bark of laughter and turned to start walking towards the station. “No, Ran, I'm not uncomfortable with that.”

 

Ran caught up with him quickly and walked along beside him. “Oh?”

 

“Why would I? I mean after all, I pretty sure I'm bi myself.” Feeling his cheeks heat, he tilted his head down with the pretense of looking at the sidewalk, allowing his hair to cover most of his face from Ran's view. He was glad it was long enough to do that now, but he sometimes wished he could grow it out to the length Ran had his. It would do a far better job hiding him if it were that length.

 

“Oh?” Ran's voice asked that time in a far more intrigued way.

 

“Yeah…” For a small moment Ryou fell silent as he debated whether or not he should confess something else to the man he'd told so many secrets to. “You remember how I told you that one of the reasons I've held back on really marrying Asuka is because I just have this feeling that someone's waiting?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well…” Ryou paused again as he took a deep breath. “I think the lover that's waiting for me is male.”

 

Beside him, Ran's feet stumbled for a moment before the man came to a stop. Ryou stopped as well, a few steps ahead of Ran and refusing to turn back and face the man. “Why do you think that?” he heard Ran ask, but with a strange emotion he couldn't quite place lurking behind the man's words.

 

“I've dreamed of him.”

 

“You've…” He heard Ran take another step towards him. “You remember him?”

 

“No.”

 

The feet behind him stopped. “Then what—?”

 

“Most of my dreams are more like nightmares than anything. But the other dream I have is anything but a nightmare. I'm being held like a lover, and the one I'm with is most certainly not female.” He felt himself smile just a little at the faded memories of those dreams. Anytime he had them, he'd wake up harder than he thought possible. It was too bad that Asuka would often get annoyed with him if he tried to wake her up in order to start something in the middle of the night, since that meant he had to go to the bathroom and relieve the ache himself. “It's strange, though,” he added, his voice light with musing, “Even though I know it's most certainly a man, he has a woman's name.”

 

From behind him he heard a very faint “What's the name?”

 

“I can't ever remember,” he answered with a sigh. “The first time I dreamt it, I woke up almost thinking it was `Asuka,' and thought it was just my mind fucking with me. But that didn't feel right. It wasn't `Asuka.' Had a similar sound in it somewhere…started the same, ended the same, both, something…I don't know. I've had the same dream several more times, and it's always the same name. I just can't remember it once I wake up.”

 

A strange silence fell over the both of them for a short while, but then Ryou just gave a little shrug and turned so that he was halfway facing Ran. “Doesn't matter, though,” he said simply, looking at a crack in the sidewalk instead of his friend. “I think I'm going to finally make it official with Asuka.”

 

“What? But you just said…” A quick glance at Ran revealed an expression he'd never seen on the man before, one of so much confusion, shock, and something else he couldn't identify. His eyes didn't linger long enough, however, to identify the emotion before he continued staring at the crack.

 

“Well, think about it. If he does exist beyond my dreams, he's had almost a year to try to find me. So far no one's responded to the reports of me, nor has anyone reported anyone missing that matches my description. Evidently I'm not someone he cared enough about to miss or want to find.”

 

He looked back up at Ran, turning to fully face him and take a couple steps closer. “I mean, look at you for example.” Watching the confusion grow on Ran's face, Ryou went on to explain, “You smoke the brand of cigarettes your late lover used to smoke, showing just how much you obviously care about him. Even after he died, you do what you can to keep his memory alive and close to you. If he hadn't died, and just disappeared somewhere, I'm sure you'd probably do everything you could to find him and be with him again.”

 

Ran looked stunned for a moment, then took his turn staring at the sidewalk. Biting his lip, Ryou felt bad that he'd just reminded Ran about the man he'd lost. “You know,” the blond said, releasing his bottom lip and offering a miserable smile, “I wish that whoever it is I keep dreaming about was more like you.” Realizing how his words sounded as soon as Ran's head snapped up to give him a strange look, he hurried on to explain. “No, I mean… I mean I wish he cared as much about me as you do about the man who smoked those cigarettes. You know? Because then maybe he would have found me, and I'd know who the fuck I am.”

 

“You know who you are,” Ran answered softly, “You're Ryou.”

 

“No I'm not. That's some name Asuka thought sounded nice. It's not my real name.”

 

“It is now. You keep saying you don't have an identity, Ryou, but you do. You have friends, a woman who loves you, and a life that most men would kill for. Who's to say that what you left behind was just as good or better? For all you know, it could be worse. You also keep talking about how you have nightmares. Well maybe those should be telling you something, too. Maybe the life you left behind was nothing but a nightmare. This could be your chance to live a happy life, Ryou.”

 

It was the first time Ran had actually said anything in response to everything Ryou had vented out on him. He'd never received any opinions or advice from the man before, and it surprised him a little now. “I know that. I've thought about that, too. About the nightmares and all of that. It's part of the reason I'm thinking of making things official with Asuka. It doesn't mean I'd stop wanting to find out who I really am. It doesn't mean I don't want to find him again.”

 

“Why? What good will that do you? Especially once you make things official with her? You want to marry her, then find your ex-lover? And then what? You're going to leave her and run off with him? Or just keep him on the side as your mistress?” For some reason Ran seemed to grow more and more angry as he talked, though Ryou wasn't entirely certain why the man seemed to almost be taking offence to it all.

 

“No! If I marry Asuka, I plan to stay with Asuka. I'd still like to find him so that he can tell me who I am, at least. Ran, you have no idea what it's like to wake up one day and not know what your own goddamn name is! To not know where you came from, how old you are, what your favorite foods are, if you're allergic to anything, who your first kiss was, what your mother's face looked like, nothing! It's goddamn terrifying, Ran. It's like waking up blind or deaf. It's a disability that's almost crippling. Memories are what define a person. So when someone has no memories, it's like he's not even really a person.”

 

“But you are a person!” Ran interrupted, raising his own voice to match that of Ryou's. “You're Ryou. You're my friend. You've been making your own memories, defining your own self. You don't need to know your past anymore, Ryou. You can stand on your own now. Hell, you don't even need to rely on Asuka to help you out anymore if you don't want to. You have a job and people that care about you. You can do whatever the hell you want to do with the rest of your life. Don't look at it as a disability; look at it as starting over with a blank slate.”

 

“That's a nice way of looking at it, but it doesn't change the fact that there's twenty-something years of my life that I don't remember.” Ryou turned away from Ran again, shaking his head as he resumed his walk towards the station. “You don't understand,” he called back, not bothering to even turn his head, “It feels like there's something missing, and I won't ever be content until I find it.”

 

“But why marry Asuka?” Ran called back, though he made no step to follow.

 

This time Ryou did turn his head a little in order to respond over his shoulder, knowing that at that distance Ran wouldn't be able to hear him otherwise. “Because despite how broken and imperfect I am, she still cares about me. And I know that as long as I'm like this, I'll probably never have another chance like her again.”

 

“Then you're just settling!” he heard Ran yell at him, but he made no motion to indicate that he'd heard. He just hunched his shoulders and kept walking.

 

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To be continued…