Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Calico ❯ Chapter Four: First Kiss ( Chapter 4 )

Calico

By: Banshee Puppet

Part Four: First Kiss

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It has been three months since Ran came to Weiss and the Koneko, and if nothing else, things are never boring anymore. But even so, his existence troubles me. I find myself drawn to him and sometimes I have to leave the shop for hours at a time to escape it. I can't go into the bathroom right after he takes a shower, because it feels like his scent is everywhere, smothering me. I wonder if this is because of her, or if it has nothing to do with her at all. And lately, there are times when I have to fight very hard with myself, because I find that I want to kiss him. I remind myself that he's a man, just like me, but that doesn't dissuade the dry taste in the back of my throat or the images floating through my mind.

If I trace it back to the first impulse, then it was that day I found him crying over his sister and held him. That sort of thing has happened twice since then, and as much as I hate to see him cry, and he hates that I see him cry, a part of me looks forward to these times when we are like this, because I like to hold him, even if he never lets me hold him very closely, and also…mostly…because these are the only times when I learn about him. We of Weiss keep our pasts and our secrets close to us, but we no longer have any secrets from one another. Only Ran is a secret. And my obsession with him, also, is a secret--a troubling secret that I cannot escape. A few times, he's gone on dates with some of the girls that hang around the shop, though he never sees the same one twice. I wonder if he's a playboy like Yohji, but it doesn't seem that way. When he comes back, he's laughing about something that happened at the diner or the arcade. Sometimes he acts like a little kid, and when Ken asked him why he dates so much, he says, "it's a nice distraction. That's all." But then, at night, he remembers his other life, and he cries. Not every night, but often enough that I've noticed a pattern; so sometimes, like tonight, I'll slip into his room and comfort him, or try to. He sleeps in his clothes. I've noticed that too, since I have to wake him up sometimes. He doesn't mind the mornings, but he can't wake to an alarm. Still, if go in and open the blinds, he groans and says, "mmkay, I'm awake. Be down soon." I find it a little endearing. I thought I would hate having him around, but I enjoy his company as much as the others, and even if he's a little crazy and overly-dramatic at times, he's good at his work for Weiss, though he still has a lot to learn about flowers.

His tears have stopped finally, and he sighs. He is situated between my legs, leaning back against my chest while I hold him around the shoulders. He seems very tired today. Always, when we are like this, he mentions being unwanted by anyone. This hurts a bit, because I want, I want…

I don't know what I want really, but it's hard to be near him. His tears have started again, but they are silent now. This is the worst part, when he's between crying and not crying. I don't like seeing the tears he cries in silence at all. I hate them even more than the soft sobs he muffles against my sleeve. But because the tears are silent, I know that soon, he will speak.

"I'm sorry. I'm always leaning on you like this," he says softly.

"It's alright. I don't mind," I tell him. It's the truth. I hope he knows that. The air feels a little stiff. There's something more I should say, but I don't know what it is. And he still smells so nice, but I resist the urge to bury my face against his shoulder. "After my parents died, and Aya fell into a coma, I didn't have a shoulder to cry on, so you can use me for as long as you need."

"Why are you like this with me?" he asked rather suddenly. "When other people are around, you're Aya the ice king, but when I'm sad like this, you feel so warm."

"I just…don't want you to think you're unwanted anymore," I said, and winced. "Oh. That sounded wrong…" But there wasn't any way to correct it. I didn't know what other words to use to explain the way I felt. "It's just that hearing that sort of thing, it isn't really…"

He leaned his head back against my shoulder. Not wearing his glasses, with his eyes closed. I found that it was hard to breathe, at that moment. If he was a girl. If only he was a girl, then I could say, that maybe, this is love.

"It's okay. Sometimes the right words don't exist to explain things properly. But it's true, either way. My sister and I were unwanted children. I don't mean to say that we weren't loved. We might have been. All the people at the orphanage were very nice to us, and the foster family that ended up taking us in…they were nice too, but since they knew the truth, they were always very careful around us. We were young, back then, but we still knew what rape was."

I stiffened. I couldn't have heard that right. "My mother was a very pretty woman," he continued slowly. "But she was also very delicate, and her father was over-protective. There was a man she loved, but she couldn't marry him, and he ended up going off with the Marines, or something like that. But there were many men who loved her, or her appearance, at least, and one day she was raped by one of these men. In shock, she fell into a catatonic state, similar to a coma, for many months. By the time they realized that she was pregnant, it was too late to abort. So my sister and I were born.

"Mother awoke and decided to raise us herself. I don't know what possessed her to, or why, but it didn't last long. She couldn't look at us without seeing the man who raped her, so she brought us out to the lake to go swimming one week in the summer. We went out on a boat, and she tipped it over, knowing that we couldn't swim, but I…my sister learned under pressure, or something, I guess, and got me to shore. We'd swallowed a lot of water though. A fisherman found us. They didn't find mother's body for another week. Around that time, my Grandfather received a letter from her in the mail. It was a suicide note. "In my dreams, I keep killing that man," it said. "I have realized, that there is only one way to end this dream." It was very disjointed. The police took it for a suicide letter, but I know better than that, because, that day, she told us, "I only have to kill him two more times, and then I'll be free." She told us, "I'm sending you to where your father is." I didn't understand it then, but many years later, I found out that the man who raped our mother had been murdered. They never found any proof, but I'm certain it was my Grandfather who did it. That is why I say we were children who no one wanted. We were. Even so, I'm not angry. That's not why I told you, just now. It's just… …you wanted to know, right? About…my sister, who you say you liked."

That was just…way too sad. I didn't realize that I'd squeezed him tighter, as if protecting him. I didn't realize that I'd begun to cry, that the tears were falling onto his shoulder. My heart hurt so much, so much for him, and for her as well. No wonder. Just, no wonder.

God, why does the world have to be like this?

He shifted, gasped. "A-Aya?" he asked. "Ah, shit. I made you cry. I'm sorry…"

I don't know what came over me, at that time. It just hurt so much, and he was looking up at me, and those eyes, they were concerned and so beautiful. I kissed him. Just briefly, a small kiss, but on the lips. It felt really good, sort of…special. I didn't know what I was doing.

"I like you too," I'd said, and then I'd kissed him. Maybe I'm still in shock.

He pushed me away. "Wh-what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he protested. It was only then that what I'd just done hit my brain. "Oh. Oh God. Ran, I-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!"

I think I was still crying when I ran out of his room and into my own. I think I was still crying when I slammed the door. What the hell have I done?

Slowly, bit by bit, that song is starting to make more sense to me. "The Queen of Nothing, huh?" That day was the day I realized, this song was about him. She and I…we really were just the same, after all. "I'm so sorry, because I don't…I don't even know who I thought I was kissing back there."

~**~

"This is just…way too much. I know it was my decision, my own fault, my own choice to…become my brother but…this is just way too much. Aya. No. Ran. I'm standing right in front of you, Ran, the same as I was, that day. If you really liked me as much as you always say you do, you'd notice, right?" Rie wondered as she looked in the mirror, ran her fingers through her short, messy hair. "If what you say is even half-true, you would notice, wouldn't you? That I'm not a boy." She sighed and flopped back on the bed. And her fingers absently came up to her lips. They were still warm. She'd pushed him away because she was still Taro, she was still that person, and he would never allow that sort of thing, not Taro. She was starting to understand her dead brother more and more, having to live in his skin every day. "You would know, wouldn't you? That I'm not a boy?" She sat up and stared into the mirror across the room. "Who am I kidding?" she grumbled. "I look in the mirror, and all I see, is him. … …Oh Rie, you stupid, stubborn girl. What have you done this time?"

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and put her shoes on. "Che. Like I'm the type of person to sit around and think all day. Sorry Taro, that's one thing I can't follow your lead on. I've only been trying for five minutes and I'm bored already. I need to get out of here for a little while."

She bumped into Yohji when she opened her door. "Oh! Sorry!" she grinned up at him, or tried to, but he was glowering at her. Before it was just sort of staring and frowning, now, he was glowering. "Uhm. Did you want something?" she asked.

"How long are you planning on keeping up this game of yours, Rie."

Her eyes widened. He knew! Shit! He knew!

Her hand came up and slapped him hard across the jaw before she knew what she was doing. He spit out a bit of blood. She'd hit him hard. She hadn't meant to.

"Never say that name in front of me again," she demanded before storming off. She hadn't been thinking, but Yohji had noticed. She was still speaking in that voice, "Ran's voice."

He watched her run off. "How long are you going to let this continue, kiddo?" Yohji sighed. "You'll destroy each other at this rate."

He heard a door open behind him and turned to find Aya standing there. Had he heard? Yohji was about to panic. That wasn't how Aya should find out about this at all. Not when his heart was already so invested, without permission, in this entire affair.

"Aya! Don't sneak up on people like that!" he covered fluidly, suddenly really wanting a cigarette.

"Oh. Did he go somewhere?" Aya asked, looking at the open door to Ran's room.

"I think he went for a walk," Yohji tried not to choke on the words, since he was technically the one who chased her away.

"Oh…"

"Not to pry, or anything, Aya, but…are you okay?"

"…no. I'm not. Not even remotely."

"Aya…" Yohji was sympathetic, really. He didn't know exactly what was going on, but he could see that Aya's eyes were still a bit puffy. He'd been crying, crying over, this girl? Damnit. It was already to late to hope to salvage this mess without some sort of explosion, wasn't it?

"I kissed Ran," Aya blurted out.

"Shit." The word slipped out of Yohji's mouth before he knew how to respond. Just…shit.