Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Carefully Out of Reach ❯ Carefully Out of Reach ( Chapter 1 )

Carefully Out of Reach

By Verdorbene Unschuld

Disclaimer: I own very little, extremely little, and Weiss is not included in that very small amount of things I do own. I'm using them for the entertainment of others and my own personal therapy. Think, I'm opportunistic to use anime to escape from real life? Sue me. Wait, on second hand, don't.

Warning: Plenty of angst, sadness, disease, hopelessness…it's depressing, NOT HAPPY. This is also Yaoi or m/m relationships. Aya seems just a tad fucked up, well he's anyway.

Rating: NC-17, there's swearing, there's sex, there will probably be a little violence if I'm in the right mood because it adds a nice side dish to all the angst.

Pairing: YoujixAya

Summary: Something is very, very wrong with Aya but will he let Youji help him? And even if he does, will it be far too late?

If I close my eyes and think of every nuance of your face, every facet of your eyes, the exact texture of your skin, the particular softness of your lips, the silkiness of your hair; if I sculpt your image with my imagination, when I open my eyes, you will not be there. Fantasy is not reality, and that is all you'll ever be for me, a fantasy. So very far out of reach. I wish I had a better imagination, even in my dreams I cannot make you love me.

Aya stared at the sink, watching as crimson liquid turned pink and then disappeared with the water. He grimaced; it seemed as if the darkness of his nights were seeping into his days. He wiped his mouth and reached for his tooth brush once again. There was no way he was going to spend the entire day with the taste of blood in his mouth. It was bad enough that all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and die, die, die. He was willing to do anything to get rid of what seemed to a constant pain in his chest, teaming up with a constant cough that only aggravated the pain. He slipped out of the bathroom, padding downstairs. Ken and Omi looked up from their food as he walked into the kitchen. 'Food, ech….' he thought, starting to boil some water for tea. He just wasn't hungry lately; drinking the tea was something he could handle though. And it helped soothe the pain slightly, he thought as he coughed once more. Omi frowned at him as the boy realised he wasn't going to eat again. Well, good for him.

"Aya-kun, you need to eat something. You keep getting thinner and thinner and you never eat anymore. And you're constantly coughing and you won't be able to get better if you don't have any energy because you don't eat," he blabbered, wringing his hands and looking motherly. He even pulled out the big teary eyes, "I don't like seeing you like this, Aya-kun. And what if there is a mission, you'll need your strength then."

Aya looked at him until the blonde whimpered slightly and turned his attention back to his plate. But to appease the boy, Aya slid a piece of bread into the toaster. He was buttering it when Youji walked in.

"Wow. I might need to start getting up early. Aya's actually eating for once, how surprising," the blonde muttered, heading for the coffee pot.

"Almost as surprising as you awake at this hour," Aya snapped back, glaring at the man until he started to cough, breaking the staring contest. He sat down, turning the glare towards the piece of bread on the plate in front of him. It really held no appeal to him. He washed the first bite down with tea, ignoring the way it tasted like cardboard. He coughed again, and noticed with a frown that his hand was speckled with flecks of red. How long had those been there? He wiped his face, conscious of the amount of questions that would be bombarded on him if Omi or even Ken noticed and quickly placed his hand in his lap. He glanced up; Youji was staring at him from the other side of the room, frowning fiercely as he drank from his coffee. Aahh…the annoyingly observant ex private investigator; exactly what he needed. It wasn't as if he was that sick anyways, it was just an insignificant chest cough and a little lack of appetite; nothing to be worried about. He stood, rinsing out his dishes and heading out of the room.

"Hey Aya," Youji called out, and the other two looked up as he turned towards the man, pausing, "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"I have a shop to open," he responded, glaring at the blonde.

"Perfect, I can talk to you while you're doing that, don't worry," he stood, giving the man a challenging look over his sunglasses. Why the hell was the man wearing those anyway, he was in the house for fuck's sake. Aya just snorted and walked out the door.

"Soo…" Youji started as he jumped up on to the counter, watching Aya work and not offering to help.

"What, Kudou?" he asked, voice completely devoid of all emotion. He wanted to get this over with.

"No way, you are not trying that scary psycho killer thing with me, Aya. Because I'm already seriously considering just walking away and letting you kill yourself." He took out a cigarette, causing Aya to start coughing again. "Or maybe I'll be an active participant," he sneered, deliberately blowing the smoke in Aya's direction.

"Just put the damn thing out," he said, trying to breathe normally.

"Then answer my question."

"You haven't asked me a god damn question!" Aya half shouted, coughing more at the end.

Youji grinned a little sheepishly and put the cigarette out in an ashtray that had no reason for being in the shop. "What have you got?" he finally asked.

"Just a chest cold," Aya responded, pulling up the shutters.

"Is that what the doctor told you?" Youji asked, hopping off the counter.

"I haven't been to the doctor. I'm fine," he admitted, sliding a hand through his hair. Damn bangs. He should cut all of it off, who needs hair, he thought vindictively as the strands fell right back into his eyes.

"Aya! You see a doctor at least once a week; you spend most of your free time in a hospital. Are you telling me that no one there has noticed your sick?"

"I have to open the shop," he said, dismissing Youji and the question.

"What if it's contagious? What if every time you visit Aya-chan, you're risking her getting sick which could mess up her chances of waking up? Thought of that?" Youji, it seemed, would not be ignored.

"Will you let me open the FUCKING SHOP?" Aya roared, triggering a coughing fit that lasted a good five minutes. Afterwards, Aya stood there, shaking, leaning against the counter beside him as he tried to breathe. He looked up with eyes filled with more pain then Youji had seen in a long, long while. "You happy now?" he rasped out. Blood spilled down his chin, staining his lily white skin.

"Aya," Youji said, sounding unsure, "I'm worried about you, we all are." He reached over to wipe away the some of the blood.

Aya flinched away, hissing, "Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me. Ever." He staggered back, only made angrier by his apparent weakness and inability to command his own body. It was one of the few things he had left and now it wasn't his. He shuddered. He looked up and glared at Youji, the man just had to push things too far.

"Fine, Aya, whatever. You do what you want to, you always do anyways, no matter whether…just…fine," Youji walked out, pausing to light a cigarette once outside. The distinctive rev of seven was heard not long after that. Aya turned and rested his forehead on the cool surface of the counter. After a few moments he slid down until he was on his knees. If he could just stay here for a little while, he wouldn't need to go back to bed at all. Hell, he didn't think he could make it up stairs. If everyone would just let him relearn how to breathe, to override the pain that seemed to engulf his chest. He just wanted; he wanted…want, want, want. This wasn't important, he needed to open the shop, it was late enough already. He put a hand to the top of the counter, using it as leverage to pull himself up when a pair of arms helped him. He didn't fight the touch this time, he just…didn't care, who ever it was, he just didn't care. It could be Crawford for all that it mattered to him.

"Youji was right, well, about most things," his assistant said. Ken, it was Ken holding him up, he thought with relief. He could trust Ken, because Ken was one of those people who couldn't lie for shit.

"How much did you hear?" he asked, wincing because Ken putting his arm on the man's shoulders did not help the pain in his chest.

"Pretty much from the 'soo…'" he said, shrugging and then grabbing onto Aya's arm because the movement threatened its tenuous hold.

Lovely. "I'm just tired, that's all," he murmured, leaning slightly against the reassuring weight that was Ken as he made it up the stairs. As if to contradict his statement, he started to cough. Damn traitorous body.

"Rriiight…" Ken said, sounding as if he was speaking to a stubborn child. Aya supposed he should be annoyed or angry at that but the feeling of apathy had not left him. So he continued up the stairs, using Ken as a crutch, hoping, somewhere in the back of his mind, that Ken felt the indignity of it. He probably wouldn't, stupid Ken and as ability to be nice all the time. Well, except when he was killing people, but that was beside the point. They reached his room and he lay down, immediately coughing at the prone position. Ken looked troubled for a minute before what appeared to be a light-bulb came on above his head, and he was out the door, promising to be back in just a moment. In the few minutes he had with no company he thanked that at least it wasn't Omi that was trying to look after him, not that he needed to be looked after. The scary blonde boy was at school, so he was safe for the next few hours.

Ken returned, his arm laden with pillows. "I figured I'd take Youji's as he's semi-responsible for getting you so worked up, and…" he said, ignoring the glare shot his way, "the man's got tons of them. I don't know how he sleeps; it can't be good for his back." Aya stared at the man, who sounded uncannily like his mother as he fluffed the pillows and gently placed them behind Aya. "If that's everything, I'm going to go down to the shop. Call if you need anything." Ken looked at him for a moment, but didn't say anything.

"Are you sure you can handle the shop by yourself for a few hours?" Ken had been pretty kind to him today and hell, the man had taken the stupid bastard's pillows; he deserved a little concern in return.

"Yeah, we sort of missed the crazy school girl morning rush so it should be basically empty until the afternoon rush. Almost as empty as it will be tomorrow after the customers see my arrangements." Ken said brightly.

Aya repressed a smile, blinking slightly in the tiredness that suddenly overwhelmed him. Ken seemed to notice this as he was quick to leave, closing the door behind him.

Aya's dreams were not pleasant. He could not remember them when he woke up, panting and coughing, and clutching his chest in pain. He lay there for a while, and wondered if Youji could quite possibly be right about seeing a doctor. Eventually, he stood and walked downstairs after running a hand through his hair. He walked into the Koneko to see a shop otherwise empty except for Ken, who was banging his head against the counter. He looked up as Aya cleared his throat and a distinct expression of relief came across his face. "Aya…" he said, "Can you make this pretty? Please?" he looked at Aya with desperate eyes.

Aya looked at the flowers and vase beside the man, then Ken and then turned to the slip he was holding in his hands. He took the piece of paper from Ken and read it, before glancing up at his desperate eyes.

"Hn." Was all he said, but he started to rearrange the flowers. He smiled internally at Ken's enthusiastic cheer.

"I did the simpler arrangements first and was starting to work on the more complicated ones. Thank god you're here. Omi should arrive soon too, along with the hordes of school girls."

Aya just nodded, saving his strength and voice to deal with customers. Ken's pop music played quietly in the background, filling up the silence. They watched Omi run into the shop with a sense of trepidation. Not long after, choruses of, "WWAAAHHHH's!" could be heard throughout the store. Talk of a new girl could be heard through everything else, from Kyoto. Someone pushed the blushing girl up to the front as another introduced the three guys.

"You've met Omi-kun at school and that's Ken-kun," she said in an all-knowing voice, pointing to the man. He smiled and waved. "And that's Aya-kun!" Aya nodded at her, causing the girls to start screaming again.

"WWAAAHHHH! He like's you!!!!" Aya, Ken and Omi winced as the windows threatened to shatter.

"Where's Youji-kun," the introducing girl asked, pouting, "She needs to meet Youji-kun too."

"Obviously, he's not here," Aya said, annoyed because anything to do with Youji annoyed him at the moment.

"Mah, Aya-kun, you're so mean," she said, stamping her foot.

"But, he's so pretty," someone shouted from the back. Aya's eye twitched.

It only got worse. Aya tried to yell at them to 'Buy something or leave!' but the shouting made him cough and the girls, deciding he was sick, thought that surrounding him with more flowers would make him feel better. The torture continued until Youji appeared, smiling at them all, while Manx stood behind him. "Okay girls, time to leave," he said, taking a drag on his cigarette. He did not appear particularly happy.

Sakura stomped her foot, and glowered at Youji with her hands on her hips. Her voice overpowered all other complaints. "But Aya-kun is sick!" she demanded, "and there is no one to look after him." Other girls, took up the cause, agreeing and stomping their own feet until the plants started to shake.

"We'll make sure Aya-kun is looked after, don't worry about that. We'll send him off to bed as soon as we can," Youji said. "Now, shoo," he continued playfully.

"How come she gets to stay?" another girl asked as she pointed to Manx.

The red-haired woman spoke before Youji could, "I'm Aya-kun's cousin." She pointed to her hair then his, as if to say it ran in the family. The girls looked back at Aya-kun, who was resting his chin on his hand and glaring at Manx.

"I'm here to make sure he's okay," she continued, and the glare switched to Youji who was staring determinedly at the cigarette in his hand where they were still at the door. Ken could have sworn he heard Aya mutter, "Well isn't that precious," but it wasn't the man's style. The girls filed out, taking their time and a few went to Ken to ring up their purchases. Sakura went over to Aya with her newly bought rose and placed it in his shirt pocket, ignoring his surprise. "Get better, Aya-kun," she said before, rushing out of the store to be surrounded by giggling girls.

Aya walked over and closed the door behind Manx, switching the sign on it to 'closed' before he pulled down the shutters. He flung the rose on the counter he worked at before following Ken and Omi downstairs. Youji stared at the rose, all alone on the cold hard surface for a moment before shaking his head and leading Manx downstairs.

The mission was fairly simple, stop a drug shipment and then kill the leaders of it, to be done tomorrow. It had Youji annoyed. He was annoyed because despite the fact that the mission only needed three people and despite the fact that Aya was sick, the man had been allowed to accept. Manx hadn't said a thing about the fact that the man was obviously not in good shape, just raised an eyebrow at him. He had turned to Youji when he had voiced his concern and said, "So I won't yell 'shi-ne' when I strike a hit, I think I can handle that." He had given Youji a challenging look over his shoulder as he walked up the stairs, folder in hand, "Can you?"

'Can you?' Youji mocked in his head as he stood in the alley smoking a cigarette. Ch. Cocky bastard, he hoped he got shot. No, he didn't, he contradicted himself, instantly feeling bad for the thought. Aya shot or dying would be very, very bad. He heard the door slam shut and he looked to see Aya walking towards him. He stopped, carefully standing so that the cigarette smoke was blowing away from him. He was silent for a little while, staring ahead of him. "What the fuck's your problem with me lately?" he asked, violet eyes, boring into him.

"I don't like watching you kill yourself," he said, taking a drag.

"Says the man smoking tar and paint thinner," Aya responded, glaring at him.

"Dammit Aya…" he rubbed his forehead, stubbing out the smoke on the wall. There had been a time when this conversation would have been different, where Aya might have compromised just to make him happy, or shut up. But now, ever since the whole Neu thing, the friendship that had been slowly developing between them was gone. Aya didn't deal with betrayal well. And he didn't know how to handle this Aya. For a moment he wished desperately for it to be back when things were all right between them. When he could have dragged Aya to the doctor kicking and screaming and would have been forgiven. Wished desperately to have been able to explore the chance that…but no. No point thinking about it, he told himself as he realized Aya was talking.

"-so I can't go to a regular doctor because Kritiker will find out and wonder why I didn't go to a Kritiker doctor and I can't go to Kritiker because they'll do something Kritiker-ish. I don't see what you want me to do, Youji."

The blonde in question sighed, not quite sure how to answer that. He had assumed, wrongly it seemed, that Aya's detestation of all things related to doctors and hospitals had clouded his judgement in concern to his health. But Aya had thought this out; he had for once thought of all the consequences of his actions, something he rarely did when it only involved himself.

"Could you take it easy for a little while, at least? I don't like seeing you all sick like this," he almost reached out, almost, just as he might have oh what seemed like millennia's ago. But he didn't; wouldn't, couldn't now. Bitter resentment filled him at how he had destroyed the only thing that kept him sane, the thing that could have very well been everything for him without even a single consideration of how he might miss it. What had he told the man, 'the past can be more important than the present,' and Aya had understood that, maybe too well. He had looked at Youji and said, "Be careful what you consider the past," and had nodded and walked away. Youji hadn't understood then, but later, after everything was over he had understood it for the warning it had been. Aya had never said, 'I told you so,' but those words, along with the last ones of Neu had haunted him for a long, long time. Still did, sometimes.

He realised Aya was frowning now, contemplating the present question. The present, he reminded himself firmly, not the past. "That really doesn't tell me much Youji. I can't back out of the mission, I've already accepted, ignoring the fact that it would look odd as in the history of Weiss that has never occurred. So it's impossible for me to refuse future missions." Youji finally realised why Aya had come to visit him, why he hadn't explained before just to stop the argument. The man had said some stuff that was not particularly complimentary to Kritiker and where as in the shop, there were no bugs here. Stupid of him, not to think of it really. Aya leaned against the wall as he continued, looking tired, "unless you want me to stop working at the Koneko for a little bit, I don't see how I would be able to." The man smirked slightly, "not that I wouldn't mind a break from the fan girls."

"Well that's that then. We'll ship you off to the backroom for the big orders, because Omi is at school and he's the only other one semi capable of serious flower making though he still can't do your Victorian flower language thing but otherwise, you are officially banned from working there," Youji said firmly.

"And when did you get the jurisdiction to make these choices?" he asked, but there was humour in his eyes.

"Just now, and with this authority, I'm sending you off to bed."

"Okay then, are you planning on waking up early to tell the other two about this plan of yours?" he asked, pulling himself away from the wall. The light from the streetlamp shone more fully on his face and Youji could see that there were pain lines around his eyes.

"Sure. I have the morning shift with you anyways," He shrugged, and Aya gave him and odd look. But they walked inside together in relative companionship and when Youji bid Aya good night he received an actual response instead of just a nod.

*********

TBC

I have no idea what I'm doing with this, but what else is new?