Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Never Even Told You ❯ Trying To Cry Away The Pain ( Chapter 3 )

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 3. Trying To Cry Away The Pain

Aya glanced at Ken and sighed. He was confusing the burnette even more by his actions and he could only hope that that would change with time. Placing the last pancake on the plate beside the stove Aya turned around and watched his former lover eat. He was so beautiful and still the brunette saw himself as plain, just the avarage boy next door. Ken couldn't be more wrong. There was nothing plain about that soft brown hair, those warm big chocolate eyes and that well-trained, agile body with its sun-kissed skin, no Hidaka Ken was not a plain man by far. But he had so much more than his looks, the brunette was also a wonderful person. Always smiling, even if that smile sometimes wasn't completely real, always loving life even thought it had been all but fair to him. He was kind, loving, caring and sweet. It was true that the brunette was hot-headed, that he could explode into rage, usually during missions, but he almost always had a good reason for it. Ken saw good in everybody or at least fought hard to do so. Aya sighed quietly. His former lover was all the things he wasn't. Was that perhaps the reason why the redhead had fallen so hard for him? He narrowed his amethyst eyes slightly as he pondered over that. The attraction he felt towards Ken was much more than just physical, that was something Aya was sure of, and it was more than just a need to find someone who made up for his own faults. So what was it then? Why did he love Ken so deeply, so completely? He drew blanks every time he tried to find an answer. Fujimiya Ran loved Hidaka Ken simply because he was Ken, it seemed to be a too trivial reason but it was the best Aya could think of. What diffrence did it make anyway? Lost in his thinking the redhead didn't notice that his former lover was staring at him with a small frown.

Why does he keep looking at me like that? Ken asked himself and tilted his head slightly. Aya was obviously lost in thoughts and the callous mask he always wore infront of others had slipped a little. There was something in those violet eyes that the brunette just didn't understand. It looked like longing, sadness and… love. Ken frowned deeper. Love? No, it had to be something else because Aya did not love him. The brunette let out a puff of air and studied his former lover closer. Aya was like a statue, chiseled into perfection by the loving hands of a sculptor who knew his work well. His crimson hair, shiny and soft, framed a beautiful face. And those eyes, inhuman with their rare amethyst color, constrasting against his alabaster skin that smoothly covered the perfect bonestructure. His body tall, slender and yet surprisingly strong with broad shoulders and lithe muscles in all the right places. Aya could be cold, his eyes could look like they were made of ice but he could also be gentle, warm and extremly tender. That was something Ken had learnt by sharing the redhead's bed. When Aya made love there was nothing in those amethyst orbs that reminded the brunette of ice, nothing that suggested that the silent redhead could ever be callous and cold. Ken sighed sadly. He wanted all of that back, he wanted to see Aya's eyes soft and caring again, he wanted to feel the warmth from that slender body pressed against his at night when he was asleep. But he wasn't going to have that again, not unless he was willing to go back to being in a relationship where the love was one-sided. Why couldn't Aya just love him? It was all Ken wanted so it couldn't be too much to ask for, could it? All he wanted was to hear the redhead say those three little words to him so that he could feel complete again. Dishearted the brunette quickly rose and left the kitchen. His eyes were stinging from unshed tears as his inside screamed after Aya's touch. Stop it, please just stop it, Ken begged as he hurried towards his room. You can't have him Hidaka, he doesn't love you! Why can't you just get that!? Aya used you and still you want him back? Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic… As soon as the first tear had managed to make it past the wall the brunette had built up it crumbled around him. He barely made it into his room before he was weeping his heart out. It was just too pathetic that he was crying so hard after someone who had taken advantage of his feelings. But I love him so much, Ken objected inside. I need him to fill the void in my heart. He was going to have to calm down! In half an hour he had to open the shop with Omi and if his friend saw the pain in his eyes he would have to answer questions he rather not be confronted with. The other two memebers knew nothing about what had been going on between the brunette and Aya, at least not to Ken's knowledge. Fighting to regain control he sank down on his bed and rubbed his eyes. He had tried to cry away the pain in his heart before and it never worked.

Aya stared after his former lover and frowned sadly. Ken wore masks just like he did but unlike the redhead he couldn't sheild his eyes as well. Those coffee colored orbs had been filled with pain. Aya massaged his forehead with two slender digits and sighed. What kind of man was he? How could he cause Ken so much pain and sadness when he loved him so much? It didn't make any sense and the redhead was going to change that even if it killed him in the process. But before he could go any further he would have to regain their friendship and that was going to be difficult. He would keep on fighting though and if fate was even remotely kind he would have what he desired the most. With a small smile on his lips Aya imagined how it could be. How he and Ken walked in the park, hand in hand, how there were no doubts of how much they loved each other. He would fall asleep every night with the brunette's arms around him, wake up every morning in the same way. Simple things that meant so much would be done without thinking, like curling up on the cough together to watch TV. Aya sighed. Dreaming was fine but reality would be so much sweeter. Do I still have a chance? Can Ken forgive me for hurting him so much? He hoped that the answer to those questions was yes but only time would tell. With another sigh he went to prepare the Koneko for another day. He had switched shifts with Omi the day before so he could work side by side with Ken most of the day.

The shop was quiet and there were no school-girl there. Ken glanced at the redhead who was busy working on an arrangement. Why was Aya there instead of Omi? He was sure he had the morning shift with the small blonde but he was nowhere to be seen. Frowning slightly the brunette finished watering the plants and headed for the back room. He fiddled with some pots in an attempt to be spared from having to face Aya again. It was so hard to be out there alone with the taller man. He stayed in there for a long time not really doing anything at all except hiding.
"Ken?" The brunette bit his lip.
"Hai Aya?" He didn't turn around but he could tell that the redhead was close to him. Why hadn't he heard him come in?
"It's time for lunch," Aya said softly and placed a slender hand on the brunette's shoulder. Ken's whole body screamed at the touch. All he wanted to do was swirl around and throw himself against the redhead. He couldn't do that though and he should shrug that hand off but he couldn't convince himself to move. "Ken are you okay?" The caring in his former lover's voice almost caused him to cry which made him so angry. What the hell was Aya trying to do? And why couldn't he convince his treacherous body to stop leaning into that thouch, begging for more contact? He turned around and glared at the redhead.
"I'm fine!" Ken muttered with anger and stalked away. "Every thing is just peachy!" God, he sounded so bitter but he couldn't help himself. Aya was tempting him and he was too weak to resist which meant that if he had stayed he would have broken. He couldn't allow that to happen, not infront of the redhead. Yes, he was hurting badly inside but he'd rather die than let Aya see that! Suddenly he started running, pressing his hand over his mouth. He had to get to his room fast before he cracked completely. The backside of his hand sufficated his sobs as he stormed into his room and slammed the door shut behind him. Why was he such a cry baby? This was the second time that day that he had felt hot tears pour down his cheeks and all because of Aya. Ken threw himself on the bed and wept just like he had done that morning. He wanted Aya to comfort him like he was a child who had made a boo-boo on his knee. It was pathetic but that was what he needed and wanted. He might be a assassin, a grown up but there was a part of him that seriously needed to be taken care of, held and the redhead had given him that when they were lovers. Aya had protected him from reality, without knowing it probably, he had filled up the cracks in Ken's heart and then it had all been take away from him again. He couldn't stand the loneliness, the lack of Aya's arms but he would never admitt it, never. The brunette had pride and he would never accept that anyone, especially not Aya, felt pity for him.

Amethyst eyes closed and their owner sighed deeply. Failure, complete and utter failure. For a moment Ken had leaned into the touch Aya had provided and then it had all backfired on him. The brunette had sounded so bitter and angry, with every right of course. His former lover had walked away and then Aya had heard the sounds of running feet followed by the slamming of a door. He had went after Ken and now he was standing outside his room listening to the heartbreaking sound of crying. The brunette was crying his heart out and it was all his fault. Aya swallowed back his own tears and shook his head in sadness. It couldn't go on like this! Screw his plans, the pain Ken felt was gonna have to stop right away before it destroyed him, and Aya too for that matter. Trembling the redhead opened the door and walked inside. His former lover was curled up on the bed shaking with sobs. That was all the silent redhead could take. Quickly he moved to the bed and sat down as close to Ken as he could get, his hands gently caressing soft brown hair. He knew that the brunette could push him away but he was willing to risk anything at that moment, anything as long as those brown eyes stopped shedding tears. For a brief moment his former lover froze completely then he threw himself at Aya with a low scream that sounded like it came from a wounded animal. The redhead immediately wrapped his arms around the shaking form and pressed his face against Ken's hair. He wanted to say something but no words could make it past the lump in his throat so he had to settle for pressing the brunette as close to him as possible. His shirt was wet from Ken's tears but it didn't matter. Aya closed his eyes and drew in his former lover's smell. How he had missed that along with the feeling of that firm body pressed against his. Eventually the brunette stopped crying, he pulled away from the redhead and gave him a look Aya would never forget. Ken's eyes were nothing but brown pools of pain and longing as he stared at his former lover, then he got up and just walked away without a word.

~TBC~