Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Insensitive ❯ Crying Out While Drowning ( Chapter 4 )

Crying Out While Drowning

Pairing: Youji x Aya

Rating: R

His folks. Sorry it took so long, but it's finished. Let me warn you, if you thought the other chapters were filled with angst, you find it a little heavy in this chapter. This is so the best kind of therapy. Anyways, thanks for reading and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, I just make all their lives filled with romantic angst to add to the bloody gore. This daily day dream doesn't belong to me either. It slips my mind at the moment who does. Nor do I own Lifehouse's song Storm, lifehouse does, obviously.

Note: Just for clarification: This Daily Day Dream is the first song and after the ~*****~ storm lyrics start. Extra spoiler!!!! : Birman's real name

Crying Out While Drowning

I dreamed about perfection,

some sweet dream it was
I forgot for a while, my place
And I wanted to race at you in joy

Youji was forty-five minutes late for his shift at the flower shop. Aya ignored him, concentrating on the customer he was dealing with. One more thing to add to the `Why my life is shity' list, Youji thought acerbically. Ha hadn't even had the time for a shower yet, which was particularly disgusting in his opinion. His entire life was disgusting at the moment. The coffeemaker had, of course, short-circuited that electrical system in the house, and that electrician that had called earlier had a hell of a lot more work on his hands than before. Served him right for screwing everything up with Aya. Youji knew it wasn't really the old man's fault, but damn, it felt good to put the blame on someone else's shoulders for a change. His cross was already heavier than most.

He sighed and pushed aside his own self-pity, and headed for the counter, grabbing his apron on the way. The customer was sent his way and Aya went back to orders. The blonde watched the elderly woman walk out with a bouquet of lilies of the valley and wild roses. He felt a sense of trepidation in his chest increase with each step she took, leaving him alone with the redhead. He was always nervous when he was alone with Aya, because no matter what he did, his thoughts always lead right back to the man. Nothing good would come of thinking Aya. He braced himself to be yelled or glared at, but nothing happened. The man just…ignored him.

Youji grit his teeth. Being ignored was probably the one thing that drove him crazy. He had spent all his childhood being ignored and forgotten. That wasn't going to happen now. Not if he could help it.

"Aya," he called out hesitantly. Violet eyes stared at him, convincing him that this wasn't Aya; this wasn't anyone. Just an empty shell, beautiful, but completely unattractive to anything but the eye. Youji wanted to shake him, to yell that they were both idiots and he was sorry, so very, very sorry, until a little bit of life came back to brighten those unusual orbs. But he didn't.

And he knew he wouldn't

Because he was an idiot, his own worst enemy.

"Sorry I was late."

"Apologise to Ken. He stayed for the noon rush." Aya walked to the storeroom, and Youji watched him go. Watched him come back, with a dark violet ribbon to finish the piece he was working on. It was a dark looking piece. Blacks, and dark purples were the prominent colours, with little splashes of gold the only relief. He wondered if it was for someone or if Aya was just in a morbid mood.

"So where did you go?" he asked, curiosity getting the better of any intelligence he might have left.

"None of your business." Of course it wasn't, but that didn't stop him from asking.

"So do you normally get people to drop you off at random places and then not tell them why?" He could think of several biting comments Aya could make back at him in response to that, but the man didn't. He just looked up, a flash of something in his eyes that looked a lot like self-hate before he spoke, in that empty tone of voice.

This daily daydream
This daily daydream
This daily loss

"Just leave it alone, Kudou." Youji decided to take that advice, and keep his mouth shut for once. Everybody had his or her secrets. Even those people who you think don't, do. And always those you wish don't.

"I'm going for a smoke." He stated.

"No one's stopping you." Aya replied.

Youji had almost closed the door behind him when he heard Aya mutter, "idiot." Youji wasn't sure which one of them the man was talking about, but if Aya was talking about him, well, he was right. Youji Kudou proved all those rumours about blondes being idiots, true.

I had to wake up again,

with you radiating beside me
I had to wake up and see you

What had happened to the convenient lack of relationship they had had? He had contemplated this question on his lengthy drive and hadn't come up with much. Everything had changed so drastically. He had always cared for Aya, he supposed, it just hadn't been the same feelings that Aya harboured for him. He wrinkled his nose at that word. Who the hell used the word harboured when thinking about relationships? He wasn't a character out of some pharmacy paperback!

I dreamed about perfection,

Some sweet dream it was,

And when I woke up to your face
I was embarrassed,

That I had so little imagination,

With you radiating beside me

He closed his eyes, remembering both the feelings of contentment he had felt last night and the ache that had overcome him when he thought Aya was leaving him. The thought that the other man would end up with someone else, happy and having forgotten about him was admittedly, unpleasant. He had never imagined the need he had for Aya until there was a possibility that that need would not be fulfilled. He had been as close to at peace last night, as he had ever been, since Asuka had died. He had been content just staring up at an imaginary sky with Aya in his arms. He had vowed to himself that he would never love another person again. And yet, he found himself falling, once again and he could either cling to the edge or take a jump off it, and pray to land gracefully. If he hadn't screwed up everything already, and if he had, well then it wouldn't matter if he took the tumble or not. He sighed and walked back into the shop. Youji watched Aya for a moment, admiring the man's grace as he went about the shop.

This daily daydream
This daily daydream
This daily loss

No, he had never dreamed this man could make him feel at all.

But damnit, he had.

And he wasn't sure he would change that if he could.

I am such a fool

Customers created the only noise in the shop until Omi ran into the Koneko, signally the start of the mob. He threw his schoolbooks in the back and frowned slightly when he noticed Aya's arrangement. He suddenly grinned and grabbed his apron, deciding to pretend nothing was wrong, all the while the wheels in his head were turning. Aya just ignored everything but the flowers he was putting together. Youji flirted with every girl that looked his way, all the while glancing around the shop, his eyes pausing every once and a while.

"The Koneko's operating hours have ended for the day. If you aren't purchasing anything, leave." Aya finally said, what seemed like an eternity later. Most of the girls shuffled out forlornly, talking about the boys as they left. Wondering why Aya had finally given in and forced everybody to leave, they finished the small line of customers waiting to buy their purchases and Omi flipped the closed sign up. Just before he could lock the door, Birman stopped him. Aya nodded his head at her, already taking off his apron. There had been a small lull in missions lately, and that usually meant a solo mission. She nodded back, acknowledging his silent question. After greeting the other two, she asked him to follow her downstairs. They headed down, ignoring the looks they received.

"Same pay as normal, fairly routine. Do you accept?" She said, getting to the point.

"Same account as always," he replied, taking the envelope from her. She smiled at him, regret in her eyes, as it always was when he accepted these missions. She remembered what he was like before all this. She had always had a soft spot for the shy young aching boy she remembered him as. Birman could remind Aya so much of his sister some times. She was probably the only person who really remembered what he had been like. She sighed, heading back up. She paused at the top, staring down at him as he looked at the envelope, still unopened. Fate could be cruel sometimes, to make her see him now, and know that she had helped to change him into what he was today. It was hard to remember that Kritiker was doing good, when they destroyed such life. "Bye Aya-kun." She said.

"Bye Kyoko"

She walked back to the front of the shop, smiling at Omi, ignoring the odd look Youji sent her way. She went home and opened up a file on her computer, and sat staring at it. And a quiet, shy, but smiling Ran Fujimya stared back at her.

~********~

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

Aya left once the shop was cleaned up. He got to his flat and opened the folder, read it twice and burnt it. He practised his katas, decided his strategy, and was ready to leave at one o'clock in the morning. He didn't really want to do this, he thought as he made his way to the car. He shouldn't be doing this, he thought as he slipped into the building. `Did it matter?' he thought, as he finished the last of the targets and set the explosives.

It didn't matter, he thought. All that mattered was that his sword was running through this unknown guard, that he was almost out and could complete another mission after this. All that mattered was getting his sister the care she needed so that she could live, so that one of them could live.

He swore to himself that would be enough.

It would have to be.

No more dreaming, no more star watching, fake or not; because it was all fake in the end. And he was out of the building, two minutes to spare before it blew up. And part of him cried out, part of him screamed and try to crawl its way to the surface, as it almost always did as he watched another building go down in flames. But he pushed it down, it was buried in a grave close to a gas station and a coffee shop and it would stay there.

He turned away and realised…it would never come back.

Even when his sister woke up, he wouldn't become innocent again. Nothing else would change. He would still be Aya, murderer, and a pawn of Kritiker. A wave of despair flooded him and he almost ran into the burning building. Aya looked down at his hands, the blood had dried, sticking the sword to the glove he was wearing. There was a small strip between his coat sleeve and his glove, a strip of skin turned bloody, making it look like he had slit his wrists. He hadn't.

He just wanted to.

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I could see you

This darkness would turn to light

He followed routine and went back to the Koneko to take a shower before heading back to his apartment. He walked in, heading upstairs. Omi was sitting on the couch, just staring ahead of him, first aid kit beside him, open and ready, just in case.

"Omi" he called out, not because he wanted to, but because the boy would wait until forever otherwise. The boy glanced up, scarcely able to see him and acknowledge his presence, and he walked to the bathroom, needing to get clean, cleaner than hot water could get him, even if it boiled the blood tainted skin away. Despair, frightening in its intensity, overwhelmed him again and he clenched his eyes tight, reminding himself that salt water cleaned even less than hot water. Flipping on the tap, he stripped wincing at the way his clothes stuck to his skin. A bullet had grazed his side, but he wouldn't even need stitches.

Mission accomplished. Wasn't that fucking fantastic. He frowned at his own thoughts; it wasn't often he swore, even in his own mind, except around Taketori, but that was excusable.

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

And everything will be all right

Aya stepped into the shower, watching the red water pour down the drain with his soul. He closed his eyes to ignore the sight but opened them again at the vision painted on the backs of his eyelids. Better to stare at the water and remember why he was doing this than that. Better to think of his sister. Anything was better than seeing sparkling verdant orbs. He stepped out, grabbed the pair of pants and shirt he left here for just this scenario and grabbed the box to throw his clothes and jacket into for Manx to collect. He kept the shirt off, not wanting it too, to get stained with blood before his side was bandaged. He walked back to Omi, who didn't seem to have moved. But the lights were on now, so he had to have. "I was worried." The boy claimed, giving Aya an impish grin, so very like his sister's once was, that it made him want to cry and smile back at the same time.

"You're always worried." He said instead, not sure whether he wanted Omi to understand what was going on in his mind or not. The other probably knew anyways.

"Yeah, I guess so." He grabbed some things from the first aid kit, "let me take a look at that." Aya came to sit beside him obediently, watching the other work.

"I was worried about more than just the mission, Aya." Omi claimed, checking the wound for pieces of anything. The red head ignored him.

"You spent a lot of time on that arrangement you made, didn't you?" the younger man said, knowing he didn't need to describe which one he was talking about.

"Hn."

"Peony for anger and shame, Purple Hyacinth sorrow, should I continue?"

"… …"

"Aya?" he finally prodded, finishing the bandaging. The man in question stood, buttoning up his shirt. Damn the boy was sometimes too observant for his own good.

"I'm fine, Omi." He said, and left, ignoring the worried frown he received. Fine indeed, he was just peachy. He drove back to his apartment, looking up at it. Not home, he hadn't had a home in years. Aya didn't know if he ever had one. Everything in the will had gone to Aya-chan, and he certainly hadn't been welcomed in his childhood house. The Aoba Centre had seemed like home for a while, but that had been taken away too quickly.

He reached his flat, taking in the sparse furnishings, the lack of anything personal except for two pictures. One was of his sweet imouto, laughing happily, lighting up the picture. The other was…Weiss. A picture some fan girl had taken. It was a good picture; Omi and Ken laughing about something in the centre, Youji giving them a humoured, dubious look over his sunglasses, him appearing slightly amused. Apart, but not unaffected. Everything they did affected him, he just didn't let it show. He scarcely allowed himself to think about it. His life was centred on Aya-chan. He turned the picture of the group over and stared at the other one. Aya-chan.

He sat down on the bed and started to clean his katana. It was usually soothing but his thoughts were too chaotic for him to be calm. He was trying to keep Youji out of them and it wasn't really working. Aya put the sword aside and rested his head in his hands. Everything was coming apart at the seams. He needed…he needed… he went back outside to his car.

And drove to Magic School Bus Hospital, but couldn't make himself go up to her room, not after he had spent the night spilling the blood of some faceless guard, of some unknown enemy of Kritiker. So instead, he walked over to the park, a different one than last night. He didn't think he could ever go into that park again, which was unfortunate. It had been a beautiful park, filled with Sakura trees and children playing. He was, Aya thought calmly, going completely insane. The redhead looked around at the nature surrounding him and found he didn't care. Sanity had never brought anything good to his life.

"I figured you'd come here." Aya looked up. `Insanity didn't seem inclined to bring anything good either,' he thought morosely.

"You always come here after a solo mission, Aya." Youji stated calmly, as though Aya had encouraged more conversation. "Omi called me," he continued after a moment, "he told me he was worried."

Aya just stared at him, silently, wondering why Omi had called Youji if the boy was so concerned. He wanted to ask that aloud, that about doing so. But he didn't. What was the point?

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

"I needed to talk to you anyways, so I told him I'd come find you." He continued, still not looking at Aya.

"You don't need to talk to me, you don't need anything from me Youji." Aya stated, somewhat exasperated. People couldn't need things from him; they would never get them. He had never been able to give anybody anything they needed, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Even happiness, Aya? Doesn't everyone need that?" Youji turned to him, smiling slightly. "Don't you need that?"

"I will be happy when Aya-chan wakes up." He stated firmly. It was true. He had given up his life for him sister, if she was living he would be happy.

"Will you? What will change when she awakes? If she awakes? Will time turn backwards and the pain you have endured disappear the moment her eyes open? Tell me how you'd do that, Aya? I would certainly like to know how one moment could turn back time. I have my own past I would certainly like to change."

"I know!" Aya shouted suddenly, more emotion in his voice than there had been for a long time, "I KNOW you'd do anything to fix the past, to have Asuka back! I know you love her, okay." He said, the volume of his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. "I know."

Youji blinked, wondering how the hell this ended up about him. Omi had called him and said, "Go fix whatever happened between you and Aya, he's finished his mission." And had hung up before Youji could say anything besides, "Hello?"

And now, now, Aya was yelling at him. Aya who was always calm unless it had anything to do with his sister. And this creature, who had always reminded him of fei, inhuman and untouchable, seemed to make him the monster, in comparison to the emotions Aya was capable of. No hope diamond, not cursed, but just as beautiful, and just as worth any risks he may encounter.

"You can't replace Asuka," he stated finally, watching Aya flinch, "And what I could ever have with you could not be the same as with her. It isn't the same; it could never be the same as what I have lost. But it's still beautiful, all on its own. And it could be damn close to perfect, if we let it be."

He reached out, turning Aya's face towards his. He was a man in obvious conflict and his eyes were shadowed. Youji could only watch for so long before he started to wonder what shadows he was fighting.

"And what is that we have, Youji? What about it is so damn perfect? The uncomplicated sex?" Aya asked, scorn evident in his voice, his walls coming up. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the green one's so close to his own. He could hear his father screaming in his ear. Even after death, all the man could spew forth was venom, but it was poison with enough malicious truth to make it reverberate in the mind and create an aching doubt inside. He didn't really question Youji, though part of him whispered he should. He doubted himself. Everything he had once thought he'd had, had been taken away. What would he do if this man was taken away, or of this was just a dream?

"We have a chance. We can take it or we could let it pass us by. Personally, I'd prefer the former." He ended with his usual amused attitude. His own act coming into play.

Aya turned away, staring out at nothing. "A chance," he repeated, both awe and bitter disbelief in his voice. Birman's voice echoed in his mind, `Weiss is your last chance, Ran. No more screw-ups, understand?' a single tear escaped unnoticed by him, but Youji saw. The star's light hit it, making it glow. So much to regret…

"Hey" Youji said, with more gentleness than he was normally capable of. Aya ignored him, missing his moment of compassion because he was too wrapped up in his own torment. "Who would give another chance to a murder? To a demon?" How he had fulfilled his father's expectations.

"Hey," he repeated, catching another tear, "Neither devils nor demons can cry…only humans."

Aya looked up again, and there was a pain in his eyes that didn't fade when the blood stopped flowing freely and the wound scabbed over. "A foolish, human notion." He said, harshly.

"So is love, don't knock `em till you try them." Youji reprimanded, a little annoyed that his moment of sincerity had been met with scorn.

Aya reached up, gently tracing the details of his face, as if he was about to lose his sight and he wanted to commit this scene to memory. "Promise me love isn't just an illusion we fool ourselves into believing and I'll put my trust in you instead," he whispered, voice raw with emotion.

"Will you believe me? I'm a fool." Youji replied, smiling sadly in self-mockery.

"Yes." He replied. That was all.

And it was enough. More than enough for the blonde fool. But then again, if one is smart enough to find his own happiness, how foolish can he be?

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

And everything will be all right

OWARI

Okay, that's it. No more. This thing is dead. I'm pretty sure I like it. It certainly turned out different than I though it would. Like it? Didn't like it? Think I should flip all the writing upside down so it's really difficult to read unless you're in a hammock chair? Tell all.