Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Purpose ❯ mistakes ... ( Chapter 3 )

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Ran suppressed the shocked urge to call out, as he spotted Yohji leaving the grocery store across the street; carrying his bags with slumped shoulders, steps heavy and self-conscious, defeated. Not much was left of the proud and graceful figure, the self-confident gait, and the catlike motions. The aura of controlled carelessness Yohji usually at ease wore like a coat was missing, also.

His heart sank, as he set on trailing him. Yohji looked utterly miserable. With his eyes downcast, he set mechanical one-step before the other. Not seemed he to notice the other people passing him, nor seemed he to care. That was not the behavior of a trained assassin. Not to notice someone trailing him so obvious like Ran was now.

He was stunned, that Yohji seemingly remained to live here after he had left. He frowned. He had expected him to move on or return to the Koneko II, to Omi and Ken, to carry on with his life. He expected him to have found someone worthy. Maybe he had found someone. However, why then was there this dramatic change in appearance, to the miserable?

He had left because he was unsure, because he felt, that Yohji left every day a little bit more his cheery behavior, felt that Yohji seemed begin to think it was a mistake to settle down with him. He left, before Yohji had the chance to cheat on him, to go back to his usual behavior of clubbing and chasing woman.

He left, because he knew, he could not bear the thought of being abandoned by someone he loved deeply. He left, because he thought Yohji was better able to cope when he was the one leaving. Before Yohji realized he was bored, or that it had been a mistake to take up with him. He left, because somewhere deep inside he had doubts about their relationship. Doubts, about Yohji's easy way of loving, which constantly nagged on his mind

So, one night he had silently packed his things and went away. As long, as the memories were good ones. Moreover, all the time, he had told himself it was better this way. Yohji would cope, he would put this aside like any other affair he had. He would find someone, he could truly love and who was worthy. Like Asuka was. It did not matter, that he himself was hurting.

Bu now, seeing Yohji like this, his heard shattered. Had he caused this? On the other hand, was there someone else, doing this to Yohji? He had to know. He stopped and hid behind a bush as he noticed Yohji sitting down on a bench and absently watching the people passing by, idly smoking. He sat there, hunched down on the bench in the park across their old apartment; looking utterly dejected.

Slowly stepping closer as Yohji leaned back and tilted his head with closed eyes against the afternoon sun, he studied him nearer. His chest felt like restricted with an iron band as he noticed the chopped up strands of former golden waves, the sunken in cheeks, the clearly visible cheekbones, the dark circles under the eyes, and the unhealthy gray color of his face. He suddenly was scared. Was Yohji ill? Had he some disease?

Once near him, he was unable to stay away anymore. Ran stepped nearer and nearer to him. God, but he was still beautiful. He couldn't comprehend anymore how he was able to leave him once. However, now it was too late. Too late for them both to return to what they had. His fingers twitched with the need to touch him, to feel Yohji. All of a sudden, the pain of loss, he had worked on to dull all that time so hard, was back in full force. It was a mistake to come back here. He silently gritted his teeth. He still had the chance to walk away unnoticed. He had no right. Maybe he could ask Omi, what had happened to Yohji.

However, he could not move away. Instead, he stepped still closer. Like a moth to the flame. Stepped closer, until he stood in front of Yohji, until his shadow blocked the sun. God, how he longed to see one last time the sparkling green of Yohji's orbs again, to hear his silky voice. Like spellbound he watched the eyes lazy open - only not to reveal the expected sparkling gaze - instead two dull, painful inert eyes looked up to him.

For a while, they only stared, and then Yohji in a hoarse voice uttered only one word. "Why?"

Stunned he narrowed his eyes. "Can we go somewhere warmer to talk?"

"Sure." Yohji gathered his bags and stood. He straightened his back and his former slumped posture was no longer visible. Nevertheless, Ran had seen him before. He would not be so easily deceived. Silently they walked to the exit of the park and across the street. Nervousness crept up Ran's back. He was not used to, seeing Yohji so quiet.

"You still live here?"

"Yes." Yohji fell silent again.

Ran waited as Yohji set down one bag to fish in the pocket of his coat for the key. Then he simply pushed open the door, leaving it wide open as he simply walked away into the kitchen, leaving Ran to himself in the hallway. After a short moment of hesitation, he entered the apartment he left so long ago. He cast on the way to the kitchen a quick look in the living room and spotted several empty spaces, where his things once used to be.

A cat sprung from the couch and rushed past him to the kitchen. He recognized immediately the breed. He swallowed and bit his lower lip before he entered the kitchen. Yohji had set a kettle on the stove for tea and two mugs on the counter. Just now, he put his groceries in the fridge, still wearing his coat.

Ran noticed it was mostly empty. "You live here alone?"

After finishing his task, Yohji closed the door of the fridge, straightened and pointed at the cat, which roamed all the time around his legs. "No. Ran, meet Neko." Then he held his hand out to Ran. "Your coat?"

Shrugging out of it, he handed it to Yohji, who took it, and stepped out in the corridor to hang up the piece of clothing. When he returned a moment later, Ran stifled a gasp. Yohji wore clothes, he clearly remembered. But instead sitting smug on his muscled chest, the shirt hung loosely from his shoulders, and as Yohji turned to prepare the tea, he could clearly see the prominent bones of shoulder blades poking out. The jeans, usually sitting like a second skin pooled loosely on his hips and legs, only held up through a belt.

"Can I use your bathroom?" Ran had to flee.

Not turning, Yohji answered. "You know the way."

After Ran got in the bathroom, he had to lean against the closed door and took a few deep breaths. His eyes burnt and he had to blink several times, to drag back tears. It hurt, to see Yohji like this. And deep inside he knew it was him, who had caused this. Nobody else. God. What had he done? He had to set this right. Had to put the blame onto himself. Had to set Yohji free for once and all.

He stepped to the sink and splashed water in his face. Looking up, he noticed several empty places on the shelves, too. All the places where his things once used to be. Yohji had not moved on. God, why had he put up with him in the first place? Had he stayed away, Yohji would have been happy now. Why ended he always hurting the ones he loved? He sighed and composed himself.

As he returned to the kitchen, Yohji sat on a chair at the table and cuddled the cat in his arms. Two streaming mugs stood on the table. Ran sat down on the second chair - former his usual chair - and grabbed one of the mugs to occupy his hands. "So, what happened?"

"What happened? You happened. You ripped me from heaven and cast me to hell. And I want to know why. Don't you think I deserve that? You here to pick up the pieces?"

Ran winced at the bitter words. "No. I didn't know … I didn't expect you … to remain here. I just … just wanted to take a last look before I go away, definitive."

"Definitive." Yohji's voice was flat and emotionless.

"My flight to America goes tomorrow morning."

"I see." Yohji gnawed on his lower lip. "If I would have moved away, you wouldn't have said good bye at all. I wouldn't have had a chance to speak ever to you again."

"Yes."

"So, answer my question. Why did you leave?" All the time Yohji avoided looking in Ran's eyes. After letting go of the cat, he grabbed his mug and took a sip. "So?"

Ran took a deep breath. In a way it seemed easier to lie to Yohji without looking in his eyes. "I needed something other. Living here was not … satisfying." He took a sip of his tea.

"You should have told me."

"I…" he replaced the mug on the table, and put his hands tightly clenched in his lap. "I was confused, unsure about my feelings. Once they became clear to me, I left." At last, this was true.

"You never loved me, hm?"

"I … I care about you, Yohji. You…"

Yohji interrupted him. "Don't." He shook his head slightly. "I know now. You never told me that you loved me. It was childish to assume so." He swallowed visible. "It doesn't matter. I think I can go on now. Take the next step. I just needed to know for sure. To get closure."

"I never wanted to hurt you. I … thought, you would easily go on. Like you did so often before. Find someone you could love … like you loved Asuka."

Yohji snorted and replied in a low voice. "I loved you like I loved Asuka. Don't get me wrong. I still love her. But you never were a substitute. Sometimes, you get a second chance. By being with you, it didn't hurt anymore to think of her. Only a sad memory."

He leaned back and played with his mug. "Just like I still love her, I still love you. Nothing you can do will ever change that. But it's not your fault you can't return my feelings. I lived a wonderful life for a while. It was unique." He smiled sadly. "I only wished, you would have told me when you left me for the second time. You could have spared me all this time."

"I'm sorry." Ran fought with a prickling behind his eyes. He would not cry. Then a thought occurred to him. "Left you the second time?"

Yohji grimaced. "I was fallen in love with you already when Weiss disbanded for the first time." He smiled sadly. "But you didn't know. Nobody knew."

"Oh." Ran felt his heart beating in his throat the whole time. God, what a fool he had been.

They sat there for a while in silence while they sipped their tea before Yohji cleared his throat and asked "So, you found someone?"

"Yes. Yes, I found someone."

"And you love that someone?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

Yohji nodded. "Good." He smiled a little. "I'm glad. To know you are happy means a lot to me." He heaved his glance and looked Ran for the first time direct in the eyes. "It makes it easier." There was new confidence in his emerald orbs, resoluteness.

Ran shifted uncomfortable. He had to get out of here. He had to go, before his nerves left him and he told Yohji that he was wrong. That it was him, who he had found, once. That it was him, who he loved, only him. That he wanted to stay. But he had no right after what he had foolishly done. Not anymore. "I … I have to go."

"Of course." Yohji stood and stepped to the fridge to take the only can of beer from it. "You know, I have spared this for a special occasion. I think it is now. Yes, definitively now. I get a good bye the third time you leave me." He popped the clasp and heaved the can in a hinted cheer. "Good bye, Ran." He took a gulp, set the can on the counter and left the kitchen.

Ran sat stunned, while he heard the door of the bedroom slam closed. He slowly got up to fetch his coat, and found himself suddenly at the door to Yohji's bedroom, once their bedroom, hand on the knob. No. He leaned his forehead against the door and whispered quietly "Good bye, Yohji."