Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Behind Blue Eyes: Seto's Story ❯ Day Seven: Mean It ( Chapter 22 )

Behind Blue Eyes: Seto’s Story
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Ah yes, another chapter from yours truly. Some people prefer this story, and some people don’t even know that it exists. I’m happy to have those of you that do read this story! Please enjoy another installment!
Disclaimer: Yugioh equals not mine. Story equals MIIIINE!
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Recap:
So show me, Katsuya. Show me that things will be different now. Show me that this isn’t a dream, but that it is reality.
Show me that you aren’t just another Saki.
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I winced a little as I sat down at the kitchen table. I tried to ignore the dull pain coming from my rear and my arms. I had almost forgotten what it had felt like to have these wounds. I never really thought that I’d ever have to experience them again, but I suppose that I should stop assuming things.
I sighed as I drummed my fingers lightly on the wooden surface, my eyes wandering around the room. It was certainly smaller than I was used to, even smaller than the faint memories I have of my original home. Jou certainly lived modestly. I felt a hint of pity, but shook away the thought as I sighed once more. I didn’t want pity, so why would he? He was a strong-minded person, after all.
Speaking of the blond, he was standing over the stove trying to cook again. He seemed to get easily distracted and he also seemed to daydream quite a bit. That comes with his personality, though. I guess that I daydreamed a lot too. I thought about things a lot. I suppose that the both of us have very busy minds.
As if he could feel my eyes burning holes into his back, he glanced back at me over his shoulder.
“Don’t burn the eggs again.” I teased, “I’d rather not go out today.” That was actually the truth. Today just wasn’t a good day to be going anywhere. I felt like I could just lie down and sleep through an entire week.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t.”
I pursed my lips at his comment as he turned back to the stove. What kind of thing was that to say? Did he not even catch my teasing? Was something bothering him?
“I won’t burn them again.” He insisted, trying to pry an egg off of the skillet with his spatula. It didn’t look as though it was working too well.
“What’s that smell then?” I smirked and fanned my face as the scent of burnt food reached my nostrils. Yep. He was easily distracted.
“It’s your upper lip.”
I hadn’t realized that I was talking to Mokuba. “Is that so? I suppose it smells because I’ve been kissing a dog.” Sometimes I was so clever that I amused myself. What could he possibly throw back at that one?
He flipped the burner off, moving the skillet to a cool one. “Oh? So you’re into beastiality now, huh?” He faced me, leaning against the oven door. The smirk on his face wasn’t quite a match for my own. “What kind of dog do you prefer?” He questioned, looking mighty proud of himself.
“Golden Retriever.” Yeah, I bet he didn’t see that one coming.
My fun came to an end when a sudden sharp pain seared through one of my wrists. It wasn’t like I was moving them around a lot or anything. I eyed the bandages. I looked absolutely pathetic. This whole time I have been nothing but pathetic.
“Do they hurt?” He sounded concerned, which kind of annoyed me.
“Yes. It hurts more than I remember. It almost feels like I used a jagged-edged knife to cut them or something.” Well that probably wasn’t the best way to describe it around someone like Jou, but that’s really what it felt like. The cuts weren’t very clean. Had I really been fighting my bonds that much? The memory was growing more and more faint, not that I was going to complain about it.
“You’ve slit your wrists before?” Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have used that kind of example. Jou slammed his hands down on the table as he rushed over, causing me to jump a little in my seat. . . which hurt, of course. I closed my eyes, but he wasn’t going to take silence for an answer. “Seto-”
“Yes.” I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face. “Yes I have.” I had to be honest with him right? If I wanted to know more about him, he needed to know more about me. We needed to trust each other. We needed to be able to tell each other anything . . . but was I really ready for something like that?
I clasped my hands together on the table in front of me, my fingers curling and uncurling. I never really paid much attention, but I have nervous tics when I’m uncertain about something . . . and that’s rare.
Or was it? I had been so uncertain about so much lately, just as I had in the past. The bandages on my arms . . . that, too, had happened in the past. I had been bound like that before, I had struggled before, and I had been hurt before. I had hurt myself before. How pathetic is that? How pathetic am I? ‘The great Kaiba Seto’? Shut the fuck up.
This warm feeling against my cheek. Why now? Why this again? How was it that I could hold them back all these years and now they came without warning? Had my training been for naught? What a waste. What a waste of all of those years, of all of that suffering. What a waste I am. How weak. How pathetic.
“Why? Ever since I came here with you, I have cried so much when I hadn’t cried in years.” Was I really talking to Katsuya, or myself? What was really to blame for this? My own weakness, of course. Blaming others . . . that’s a new low.
“I’m sorry.”
He’s sorry? No, he couldn’t be . . . no, he really is. “Why are you sorry?” I lifted my head, though I hadn’t realized that I had lowered it, and let him see my pathetic face. I bet that he didn’t think it was pathetic at all. I couldn’t help but smile. “I think that this is okay. It’s been so long since I’ve felt comfortable enough around someone to cry around them. This is me, Katsuya . . . this is me.” Yes, me. This is how I was before all of that training. So maybe it’s not that the training wore off . . . maybe it’s more like Gozaburo wore off.
“But why me?” I frowned at him. What did he mean by that? “I mean,” He corrected, “Why, of all people, would you choose a stupid guy like me?” He pulled a chair around the table to sit beside me rather than across from me.
I began wiping at my eyes upon realizing that I must have looked ridiculous, but he gently pulled my hands from my face and put them down on the table, his own hands resting on top of them . . . which made my cheeks burn up. “Well, I chose you because in many ways you are a lot like me.” I eyed his hands on top of my own. I liked them there like that.
“Like you?”
I eyed his face, “Yes. While there are many obvious differences in our appearance, upbringing, and level of intelligence,” I smirked and suck out my tongue, receiving a mock-glare in return, “There are also many similarities, most of which have something to do with our personalities.”
“What’s so similar about our personalities?” His thumbs rubbed at the backs of my hands and I did my best not to look down at them, “I’m a nice guy and you’re an asshole.” He grinned and I shook my head. I tried not to smile, but I must admit that the corners of my mouth turned upward just a little.

“We both hide our family lives, or lack thereof, with fake personalities.”
His eyes instantly darted to the table, “I don’t do that.”
I figured that he would deny it. “Well that’s a load of bullshit. At school you play the role of a carefree, mindless high school student that does nothing but hang out and breeze through life.” I paused for a moment, but he didn’t have anything to say to that, so I went on, “That isn’t you. I used to think that was all you were; some punk-ass slacker that was going nowhere in life.” This made him look up at me. “But that isn’t you.” I went on, “It’s the persona that you have created for yourself. You aren’t stupid; you’re much more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. You aren’t a slacker; you just lack the proper motivation to try. You aren’t carefree; your mind is likely running constantly with unsolved problems, both at home and elsewhere.”
His eyes had drifted back down to the table at some point during my ranting. There was a long moment of silence in which I watched him and he watched our hands. I slid mine out from underneath his and rested them on top this time, mimicking his kind gesture from earlier.
“Am I right?” His only response was to turn away and try to pull away his hands, but I held them tightly, “I must be right.” I felt sad, but I had known the answer all along. He didn’t want people to see the real Jounouchi Katsuya. Maybe he felt like I did. Maybe he felt pathetic, like me.
“I could get away from you. You already know that I’m stronger than you.” His eyes trailed back to our hands, but he didn’t look so pleased.
“You may be physically stronger, yes, however I have the stronger will.” I wouldn’t let go of him, not ever.
His eyes narrowed slightly and I could barely see the corners of his lips twitching upward into a kind of smirk.
“Katsuya?”
“The stronger will to die maybe.”
I watched him turn a worried expression to me through my own wide eyes. The stronger will to die? I closed my eyes to focus and pulled my hands away from his, “The stronger will to die, huh?” No, there was no explanation for what he said. Could he have been threatening me? That just didn’t make much sense. I opened my eyes to glare at him, “What, dare I ask, has caused you to say something like that?” Judging from the look on his face, he regretted saying it, but what made him do it in the first place?
“When you were in the shower back at your house the other day . . . I sat down on your bed and was just kind of looking around, and my curiosity got the best of me . . .”

My room? Looking around? There were so many things in there . . . dear God, what could he have seen?
“I looked in your night stand drawer just to see what you had in there.”
In my night stand I had a . . .
“I was surprised at first to see a gun in there, but with the greeting I had received at your door when I first arrived, the shock was quick to pass. Even so, I had to wonder if the gun was there for your protection . . . or for something else.”
For my protection. Protection from myself.
“Due to the recent knowledge that I had gained about you, I decided to explore further. I reached all the way back into the drawer only to discover that a small, folded-up sheet of paper was safely tucked away back there.” He pulled my hands back onto the table and laced our fingers together, our hands palm-to-palm. “My heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest.”
Just as my heart feels now.
“I kept wondering what it could possibly be, but that was only in hopes that it wasn’t truly what my mind told me it was.”
No, no, no. Hadn’t I destroyed that? It couldn’t have possibly been . . .
“I contemplated not reading it, but decided against that; I had to know what it contained. Seto . . .”
Don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t tell me how pathetic I am. Don’t tell me that. Don’t upset me only to comfort me. Don’t do it again.
Saki . . .
“You’re trapped, Seto. You’re trapped in this cruel cycle. What will you do?”
“There’s nothing that I can do, Saki!”
“That’s why I’m here, Seto. I’ll always be here to comfort you. You can always count on me.”
I could feel him pull me against his body, a body that was growing more familiar to me.
“I’ll always be here to comfort you.”
I’ve done this before. I’ve played this game before. I shoved his chest hard as a hand ran along my back.
“S-Seto?”
“All you fuckers ever want is sex!”
“You have sex with all of those men, so why not me?” He had a hurt look in his eyes.
“I don’t like it, Saki. You said you would wait forever, didn’t you?”
His eyes didn’t look silver anymore . . . they looked grey. “I never said I’d wait forever. You know that I love you, but I’d really like to show you.”
“Saki?”
Words. Nothing but words leaving his mouth. What was he saying? Lies, I’m sure. Always lies. “Shut the fuck up, you damned pervert! I’m not new to this; I know how your kind works! You act so sweet and helpful as you pretend to comfort me, then you think I need a hug so that I can break down and be at your mercy! Once you have my defenses down, you decide that I need to lie down and get some rest; and that is when you make your move. The next thing I know, I’m stripped and bound to bedposts like some kind of fucking whore!” I jumped from my seat despite the pain in my backside, and grabbed him by the arms, yanking him upright. I wasn’t going to be tricked, not again, “All of you say those words to me! I’ve heard them so much! I love you, I love you, I love you! I could say it to anyone on this fucking Earth and not even bat an eye! Those words lost their meaning the day that Yagami Seto died!”
“I love you, Seto. I’ll always love you.”
No, no you don’t, but . . . there is someone that can say those words . . . and I can hear the meaning in them. There is someone that can say those words and make my heart beat just a little faster.
I fell to my knees, not caring how loud my pathetic sobbing grew, “Why?”
He kneeled down, but didn’t dare to do more than that.
“Why is it that those words only mean something when you say them? Why is it that I could say them to anyone, but my heart races when I say them to you?” I looked the short distance up into those deep brown eyes. I had upset him. “How is it that even after I vowed never to let anyone get close ever again, you were still able to break through the wall that I created?” I could barely even hear my own voice now.
“Seto . . .” My name sounded so nice coming from his lips as he pulled me close to him, burying my head in his chest. “I still get the same feeling as you when I say those words, but it’s a wonderful feeling. It means that saying ‘I love you’ isn’t automatic, but rather it has feelings behind it. I don’t ever want those words to feel like part of a routine. I’m sure that we can both agree that there is nothing routine about our relationship.” He held me at arms-length, cupping my face in his hands. His hands felt so warm. “Seto, I love you. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say; I love you.” With that, he pulled me close again . . . and I totally lost it.
“I l-love you too, Katsuya!” It wasn’t even my own voice anymore as I choked out words in between heavy sobbing, “Please, promise me that you’ll never leave me! Promise me that you’ll never betray me!” I sounded like a lonely child, but you know what? At that moment, I didn’t care. Jounouchi didn’t car, so why should I? He didn’t say that I sounded pathetic.
“I promise you, Seto, that my love for you is absolutely genuine. I will never go away from you, and I’d sooner die than do anything against you.”
“And I’d sooner take my own life than bear either of those.” He held me away once again to look at me. He probably didn’t like what I was saying, but I really wanted to get it out, “I have been through so much pain, so much sorrow, and so much heartache . . . Katsuya, Saki can hurt me again and again until the end of time and I will keep on living . . .” Was that a lie? “But if you hurt me just like he has even one time, I will surely die.” I couldn’t go through that again. I’ve never felt as awful as I did when Saki betrayed me. Not when my mother died, not when my father died, not the first time I was raped . . . nothing was as heartbreaking.
To my surprise, he actually smiled, “Then I suppose that you’ll just have to live forever. Do you think that you can put up with me forever?”
Forever, huh? “I’d be happy to give it a shot.”
There was a low grumbling noise followed by a long stretch of silence. My eyes flashed to his stomach instantly as I followed the noise. “Hungry?”
“Yeah.” He admitted, looking a bit embarrassed.
“Well we should have eaten by now . . .” I glanced back at that stove. Oh yeah, we were still in the kitchen. “But your stupid ass burnt the food again.” I folded my arms, teasing him like always.
He smirked and I knew he had something up his sleeve, “Hey now, I know that my ass is hot and all, but it most certainly did not burn the food.”
“Oh, touché, Katsuya!” That really was a good one, but I wasn’t about to let him have the last word. “How wonderful! The puppy has learned a new trick from its master!”
“Does the puppy get a treat for his performance?”
Damn. Well, maybe he could win . . . just this once. “He certainly does.” I closed my eyes and leaned in toward him to give what I assumed he wanted as a treat. A kiss, right?

My lips felt like they were on fire as he leaned in to close the gap between us. Every time seemed like the first time, and there was still something strange about it. I wouldn’t tell him that, though. Something felt . . . wrong about it . . .
We separated after some time, my mouth still tingling from the contact.
“I love you.”
“Do you?” Damn. The response just kind of came out. What kind of thing was that to say? The proper response was ‘I love you too’, right? Could I say it as easily as him?
“I do . . .” His brows knit together as he tried to see through my eyes and into my mind. I’d never let him know what I was thinking.
“I love you.” He repeated. Wasn’t once enough? Those words. I don’t know how to properly react to those words. I don’t understand them, other than the definition. What is love really?
Looking to the floor, I rose to my feet and heaved a long sigh. I wasn’t going to win this one, and the awkward silence was sure to kill me. I turned to leave the room, but was caught from behind. Jounouchi snaked his arms around me, trapping my own arms as he did so. He nuzzled my neck, sending shivers down my spine.
“I love you.” A third time. How many times was he going to say that? Was he trying to force a response out of me? I just couldn’t say it back. Did I really love him? I think I do, but . . . is that really good enough? What if I just break his heart in the end? Then what? I had told him before that I loved him, but . . . now that I was really thinking about it . . .
“And you shouldn’t.” I informed him, shuddering again as I felt lips against the skin of my neck.
“Please don’t start that again. We’ve been around that so many times. I love you, and once I find a way to prove that, I will. Until then, I’ll just show you as much affection towards you as I can.”
“Prove it?” I pursed my lips. “How can someone prove something like love?” An emotion that is not shown through something like shivering or tears. An emotion not expressed through furrowed brows or cheerful smiles. How does one prove that they are really in love?
“I guess that I probably can’t. All that I can do is be me, Seto. I may not be much, but that’s all that I have.” He released me, probably crestfallen since I shot down his idea. He was such a dreamer.
“Then why say you’ll do something that is impossible?”

“Because. . . because I wish so much that I could do those things! I know that you would be happy if I could do those impossible things. You’re right, I can’t do the wonderful things that I keep promising you. I don’t have money or a fancy car or a fancy house. I’m not all that popular or good looking and I’m far from charismatic or charming.”
I faced him at these words. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need those things in order to fulfill promises, and even the rich couldn’t fulfill the impossible . . . but he wasn’t about to let me interrupt.
He continued, “But . . . even though I don’t have any of those things, I have a heart. If there is one thing that I have ever been complimented on, it’s the fact that I have a really big heart. I care about the people that are close to me in my life, and I would do anything for those people. I wasn’t conditioned to say the words ‘I love you’ without any meaning behind them!”
“Conditioned . . .”
“I love you, I love you, I love you . . .” Those annoying words were being whispered in my ear again. The words were strung together between loud panting and brutish grunting. His voice was out of rhythm with his thrusts . . . why was he even talking?
“I love you, I love you . . .” Yeah, you all do. All of you seem to love me while you’re fucking me. You love what you’re doing to me, perhaps.
“I love you.” The words left my own lips, requested to say that line to so many of those filthy men. “I love you.” I sounded so pathetic, so weak . . . almost robotic.
Robotic . . . didn’t Anzu once try to lecture me about only having my computers and no one else? How amusing . . . why am I even thinking about that?
“I’m sorry, but you know that it’s true. Seto, I want those words to mean as much to you as they mean to me.”
“They do have meaning.” I could feel myself glaring at him. They did. They did have meaning. Maybe not when those men said it, or when I said it during those times . . . and probably not even when Saki said it, but . . . “They have meaning only when you and Mokuba say them.” I turned away, “Just understand that right now, it’s so hard to say.” I put my hands in front of me, rubbing them together so that he wouldn’t see them shaking.
“Are you cold?”
Damn. “A little.” I lied, “I don’t feel so great.” I stared at my hands, wanting to curse them for betraying me and making me lie to Katsuya.
“Are we going to school today?” He asked, a slight smile creeping to his lips.
I locked eyes with him, “What do you think?” I smiled, feeling instantly relieved. He seemed to have a talent for lifting tension. That was another good quality that he could add to his resume.
He smile turned into his trademark grin, “Alright. You just go sit on the couch and I’ll go get a . . . oh.” He looked so . . . cute when a realization hit him.
“It’s okay, Katsuya. I’ll clean it up.” I wasn’t going to make him clean up something like that. There was probably such a big mess in his father’s bedroom, and all from me.
“What? No way!” He held his hands out and waved him frantically, “Don’t worry, Seto, I’ll get it all fixed up for you.”
“Katsuya . . .” He was going into his protective mode.
“Just wait here in the kitchen for a minute and-”
“Katsuya . . .”
“-I’ll just go make things all better again so that you don’t have to-”
“Kat-chan!” A blush instantly covered my cheeks, but luckily I had giving him a matching stain.
“K-Kat Ch-Chan?”
“Yeah. I thought of it the other day; isn’t it cute?” I smiled. Okay, so it was kind of an on-the-spot thing. It sounded so ridiculous. “Anyways, you go get that blanket and I’ll put the livingroom back together, okay? You worry too much.”
“Not without reason.” He muttered loud enough that I could hear.
“I worry about you too, you know.” I went towards the livingroom with him following at my heels.
“You worry about me?” The blond helped me pull the cushions back onto the couch.
Why was he acting so surprised? It was a little hurtful . . . “I do. You’re so careless sometimes. You have also been missing a lot of school lately. While they wouldn’t dare to fail me, they won’t have a second thought about failing you. I’ll have to persuade them in your favor.” It really wouldn’t be too hard, but I couldn’t tell Jou that. I wanted him to try his hardest and not slack off because of me.
“Seto, how long have you been worrying?” He pulled the table back into place.
“Honestly?” I thought about that. Worrying . . . I laughed a little at the thought, “Well, since I practically raised Mokuba, I can’t help but have a sort of . . . don’t you dare laugh . . . I sort of have the mindset of a parent. Each time that I ended up going around with you and your friends during some escapade a couple of years ago, a part of me worried about you all.” I scrunched up my face as the words left my lips. I never dreamt that I’d be admitting that to anyone. I don’t think that even Mokuba knew about it.
“So you really do like my friends!”
They were the closest thing that I had to friends . . . but I wouldn’t tell him that, “I’ve always liked you the most, though. Notice that I didn’t really pick on the rest of them?”
“Wait. You liked me more, so you picked on me?” He rubbed his chin, “Ohhhh, so you were flirting!”
“Uh, no. Don’t flatter yourself.” I put my hands on my hips, watching him put the last item back on the table. “You just had the kind of personality that I like. I don’t know why, but you just have that special something. I guess that you’re . . . heh. It’s nothing.” I had embarrassed myself enough already today.
“You can’t just start a sentence without finishing it! That’s cruel.”
“You’ll make fun of me for saying it.” I fell back onto the couch, an elbow on each knee as I leaned forward. Katsuya joined me.
“You know that I won’t.”
I sighed, knowing that he was probably telling the truth. “Well, I thought about it a lot, and I guess that I liked you the most and picked on you the most because I envied you.” It must have sounded funny, coming from a multi-billionaire teen prodigy.
“Why in the hell would you possibly envy me?”
Well, I had already said that much, might as well go the whole way. “Because you’re the kind of person that I always wanted to be. I wanted to go out with friends and just be me. I always wanted to be able to say what was on my mind, no matter how stupid I sounded. I wanted to be careless and carefree.” I leaned back, stretching my arms out in front of myself before resting them at my sides. “Instead, I’m stuck with this fake personality of mine. I like being able to be myself in front of you and Mokuba . . . actually, I think that you see more of my true self than even Mokuba does. I don’t want him to know the truth about certain things.”
“I’ve always kind of envied you as well.” He looked a bit nervous. Was he having just as hard of a time admitting this as I had been? “I’ve always wanted to be rich and famous and popular . . . and good looking too.”
“You are good looking.” I informed him, following up with a purr before I even knew what the hell I was doing. Maybe I would get lucky and he wouldn’t hear the low growling in my throat.
Fate seemed against me as he looked at me with wide eyes, “Seto, did you just-”

“Yes, shut up.” I couldn’t help but laugh at myself a little, “See? It’s weird if I do strange things.”
“Yeah, but it’s cute.” He draped an arm across my shoulder.
I stared at his hand for a moment before closing my eyes, smiling just enough that he would notice. It was kind of my way of telling him that he could kiss me, without coming out and saying it. He was really learning my personality so easily. He seemed to be catching on that I didn’t like to be forward . . . and I liked that he was conforming to me.
He pulled me close, the back of his hand running along my cheek as he kissed the top of my head. Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” This time the words came out quickly, but my heart fluttered a bit with anxiety, “But please be patient with me.”
“I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
I snuggled closer, “And I know that you mean that.”
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