Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Bible Stories, YGO style ❯ Story #6: Jonah ( Chapter 6 )

Toboe LoneWolf: La de dah de daaah!! Hello everyone! I'm back! *ducks fruit* Sorry that I'm late guys. ^^ But I'm finally done, and I'm working on more bible stories. The next one being…Jonah! ^^

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf cannot fish nor hook YGO into her boat.

Story #6: Jonah
Aka: Let's See Little Fishies! … Make That Biiiggg Fishy…

~ CAST ~

[Now I know all of you are most likely expecting Yami to be God.
Yami: ^^ I AM GOD!!!
Toboe LoneWolf: ^^;;;;; Nooooo…
Yami: What?!?
Toboe LoneWolf: ^^;;; Because today is Opposite Day!!! ^^ Opposite roles for everyone! (Or at least, I'll attempt to…) So…]

God -- Bakura (*huge grin* Yesyesyes, Bakura is God this time…*hears explosions* This should be interesting…)

Jonah -- Yami (Opposite time! Completely different role!)

Captain of ship -- Shadi (^^ Mwhee! Can you see him wearing scruffy sailor's clothing and all?)

Sailors -- everybody else, exempting people listed below (ie, people who get seasick very, very easily…)

Whale -- Ishizu (Can you see Ishizu gulping something down? No? ^^ Good, 'cause that's the idea…)

Ninevites -- Yugi, Ryou, Marik (Well, if Bakura is God, who is *ahem* "Good" then the Ninevites are *ahem* "Bad"…)

Worm -- Kaiba (^_^ Need I say more?)

~ COSTUMES ~

Bakura -- the (now colored black) bedsheet

Bakura: That's it?!? No way! I need more stuff! *grabs supplies* I need my Flamethrower of Justice, the Axe of Peace, and my Man-Eater Bug of Ultimate Punishment…

Yami: >.< I never needed that stuff…

Bakura: ^^ 'Cause you weren't a very, very, very, very just God. You need to crack down on people!

Yami -- very fluffy and PINK bathrobe with a little bunnies pattern

Yami: O.O WHAT?!?!

Bakura: *laughs his head off (metaphorically speaking)*

Toboe LoneWolf: ^^ It's Opposite Day! Opposite costumes too!

Yami: *holds bathrobe with forefingers* This is so demeaning… I mean, Jonah in pink?!? I don't wear pink!!

Toboe LoneWolf: ^^ Now you do!!! *looks at Bakura* Or else I think "God" will make you…for blackmail purposes, of course…

Bakura: ^_^ *pats flamethrower*

Shadi -- pirates clothing, complete with fake stuffed parrot and eyepatch and all

Shadi: O.O

Toboe LoneWolf: Hey, it was a cheap sailing outfit. Not to mention very…unique.

Shadi: This is highly undignified.

All Sailors -- Winter clothing, ie huge stuffed coats and snowpants that make them look like snowmen…very very plump snowmen…

Weevil: *teeters* I can barely move in this… *trips* *and…rolls…*

Toboe LoneWolf: Think on the bright side! You're well insulated!! *sees Weevil fall down stairs* And well padded…

Rebecca: *waves teddy* Teddy needs a suit too!

Ishizu -- a blue blanket and a stick with a paper cutout of a fish on it

Ishizu: *waves stick* What in the world is this for??? And why do I need a blanket?

Toboe LoneWolf: ^^;;; Whale costumes are hard to come by these days… The fish cutout is to show everyone you're the whale. Blanket is used to cover Yami when you "eat" him. *sweatdrop* Cheap, I know…

Yugi, Ryou, Marik -- shining angel costumes purloined from last story, minus the wings and halo

Yugi: These…again? *winces* They're a bit tight…

Marik: On you? *waves an outfit three sizes too small* What about me? I'm going to suffocate!

Ryou: I thought we were supposed to be the bad people…

Toboe LoneWolf: ^^ Opposite Day!

Kaiba -- normal purple trenchcoat with duct tape around his arms

Kaiba: What?!? You'll ruin the leather!

Toboe LoneWolf: Aww, you're rich, you can handle it. I need to body-bind you so you'll crawl like a worm.

Kaiba: O.O

Joey: ^_^ Dat's right, Kaiba. Crawl like the worm you are…

Kaiba: I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!! *runs* *trips* * and falls*

Toboe LoneWolf: *holds duct tape* I figured also taping your legs would be a good thing.

Kaiba: >.< YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!!!!

Toboe LoneWolf: *tapes Kaiba's mouth* And that would be another good idea too.

~ STORYTIME!!! ~

~Act 1: I Know Where You Live~

Narrator: God told Jonah, his prophet, to go to the city of Ninevah and preach against it because it was very wicked.

Bakura: ^_^ Hey prophet! Go tell those Ninevites I'm gonna torch them if they don't shape up! Those Ninevites are annoying. Too good for their own good. *hefts flamethrower* Tell them to start acting nasty, ASAP!

Yami: I thought they were bad and supposed to be good…

Bakura: Opposite Day! *sticks out tongue* Nyah! And you have to do what I tell you, 'cause I'm GOD! MUHAHAHA!!! *thinks* Bow to me, Pharaoh!

Yami: >.< I'll NEVER bow to you!

Bakura: HA! *whips out Axe of Despair-- I mean, Peace* Obey me, for I am God!!

Yami: That's it, I'm leaving. *mutters* Abusive God…

Narrator: But Jonah ran away and boarded a ship for Tarshish, because he was fleeing the Lord.

Yami: *walks over to area of stage designated as "ship"* Is this going anywhere?

Shadi: *looks down at construction paper indicating "ship here"* Um, in your imagination, yes. *unrolls paper scroll and reads* We're going to a place called Tar-shish-ka-bob. O.o

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: WHAT?!? *whirls to Joey, who was in charge of props*

[offstage] Joey: *shrugs* I was hungry, all right?

Yami: O.o Okkkaay. I'll board the "ship"…

Bakura: Oooh, bad Yami. No no no, don't run away from God. ^^ 'Cause I know where you live, I know where you are, I know where you're gonna be -- IN MY TORTURE CHAMBER!!!

~ Act 2: I Sea Some Problems ~

Narrator: Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.

Bakura: ^_^ MUHAHA! FEAR ME, GOD!!! *whips out deck* Sic 'em, Man Eater Bug!

[Man-Eater Bug appears via Millenium Ring.]

[Much panic ensues.]

Weevil: *stares* *attempts to be brave because it's a bug* *fails* GAAAAHHHH!! It's the Buugg of Deaaaattthhh!!!!!!!!

Rebecca: *clutches teddy* Teddy! SAVE ME!!

Tea: *faints*

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: BAAAKUURRA!!!! You're supposed to send a wind!!!

Narrator: O.O All of the, um…sailors were very, very, very afraid and each cried out to their own god.

Yami Marik: God of Belly-Button Lint! Save me!!! … And my belly button too.

Narrator: O.O And they threw cargo into the sea to lighten the ship up.

Mai: *green* Not…feeling…too…good…*throws up "overboard"*

Joey: O.O Eeewww… We're throwing things, alright…

Mokuba: *tosses cardboard box* Take that, Bug of Doom!

Man-Eater Bug: Aaaarrrgg!!! *chews up box*

Tristan: *heaves (plastic) cannon ball into cannon* HA! Beware, insectilon! No alien shall take our great ship! *lights cannon*

Cannon: KABOOM!!

Tristan: *blackened* *cannon has backfired and melted due to (plastic) cannon ball* We're in trouble.

Mokuba: Captain, there's nothing left to throw!

Shadi: *runs* Abaandonn shiiiipp!!

Rebecca: TEEEDDDDYY!!!!!!!

[Focus on Man-Eater Bug and its mouth]

[Within lies the ravaged remains of Mr. Teddy the XXXXVIII, Jr.]

Rebecca: *wails* *much gushing of anime tears*

Everyone: …

[Let us have a moment of silence.]

*organ music plays, courtesy of Grandpa*

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: Alright, that's enough. *pushes organ out of the way* *yells* Bakura, make a storm, not a bug!

Bakura: -_- Oh fine. Come back, Man Eater Bug. *Man Eater Bug disappears* *flips through deck* I don't have any storm cards...Let's see, DEATH, Dark Necrofear, nope, nope, Doma the Angel of Silence…she's cool…hmm…

Everyone: *quiver in fear*

Bakura: Aha! *Millenium Ring shines* Raigeki!

*Lightning bolt crashes down and fries Pegasus*

Pegasus: *skeleton lights up and blinks, cartoon style* *falls over* *totally charred and blackened, cartoon style* *sizzles* *and pops*

Everyone: O.O

Duke: Is he…alive?

Pegasus: *raises an arm from the ground straight up, holding a sign, cartoon style* *sign reads: FUNNY BUNNY STILL LIVES!*

Everyone: O.O

Bakura: Dang. One shot only. *wiggles card* Try again? *reads* Insert Shadow Magic to continue.

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *throws up arms* No no no! We need a storm, not a lightning bolt! *ruffles through collection* *grabs some cards* *runs and shoves them into Bakura's hands* Use these!

Bakura: *reads* ^_^ Ooooh! Fun! *Millenium Ring shines* Convulsion of Nature!

[Much chaos ensues]

[Lots of wind, rain, lightning bolts, and Bakura's favorite, fire.]

Everyone: *runs in total fear*

Bakura: *throws back head* MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Narrator: The captain found Jonah below deck, sleeping. He said to Jonah, "How can you sleep? Call on your god and perhaps he will take note of us!"

Shadi: *run* *trips over sleeping Yami* Yaaahh!

Yami: Wha?

Shadi: *screams* IT'S AFTER US!! SAVE US ALL!! *looks down* Pharaoh, how can you be sleeping?!?

Yami: …Because I'm Pharaoh?

Shadi: *shakes Yami* Get up and call on God and save us!

Yami: *mutters* I was God…

*tree branch whacks them both*

Narrator: And so they cast lots to find out who was responsible for this calamity.

Joey: *holds up some straws in hard* So whoever picks the shortest straw is the one.

*everyone takes a straw*

Yami: *waves a really short straw* ^^ I got the shortest one! I win! *dances* I'm the King of Games!!!

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Joey: Um…Yami? I mean, Jonah? The point is not to win.

Duke: >> And that means…

Everyone: *at Yami* IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

Shadi: The Plank!

Yami: *looks up, theoretically at heaven where Bakura is theoretically residing and creating much havoc* I suppose the only thing to rid me of this vengeful God is to throw me into the sea…

Narrator: The sailors tried their best to row back to land.

Everyone: …

Duke: *gets on box* Hear ye! Sailors of the Toy Boat! *points to Yami* Look here, sailors! Here is our bad luck! Do we want to save him! *hear cries of "NO!"* Will we try to save him? *crowd answers, "NO!"* Are we going to work our butts off trying to save the stuck-up King of Games? *crowd answers, "NO!"* *raises fist* So we're not going to row back to land! We're gonna dunk him! *crowd cheers with a standing ovation*

Narrator: … But they could not row back to land, for the sea grew wilder than before. So they heeded Jonah's advice and threw Jonah overboard.

Joey: Wahoo! Party! *everyone grabs Yami* Dunk 'im!" *waves arms enthusiastically, starting up a chant*

Everyone: Dunk him, dunk him, dunk him, DUNK HIM! YEEAAH!!! *all run around, carrying Yami to a big bucket of water*

Tristan: *wiiiiddde grin* *takes out a bottle of liquid soap*

Yami: NO! Not that! *waves arms* Anything but that! *clutches hair* My hair!

Bakura: *up in "heaven," aka offstage* Yahoo! Dunk the pharaoh! ^^

~ Act 3: Saved By the Whale ~

[Well, Yami is "dunked." With much fanfare and yelling and ado. *raises eyebrow* It's just soap and water, right?]

[We haveth much amusement at the expense of Yami, the pink-robed wet floppy-haired Jonah.]

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: Psst! Bakura! You're supposed to save Yami with a whale!

[offstage] Bakura: Aww, no fun. ^^ *waves camera* But what blackmail! *shoves Ishizu onstage* Go dunk-- I mean, save the fool Pharaoh.

Ishizu: I'm coming, my Pharaoh!

Yami: Gack!!!

Narrator: But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah.

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *scribbles on piece of paper* *shoves it into Narrator's hand*

Narrator: ?? *reads* The Tale of the Whale (a prequel to Jonah): Once upon a time, there was a very happy whale. But then there was a big drought and there was no food. So the poor whale was very very hungry. The poor whale became very thin and sad. So God told the whale where there was some food, but before that the whale had to go eat a man up. See, so God takes care of his fishies. … O_O

Everyone: …

[offstage] Grandpa: ?? There was a drought? In the ocean?!?

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: …

Joey: At least that explains why the whale in our story-presentation is so thin. *shudders* Starvation…

Duke: O.o … But, that has got to be the worst fairy tale ever written.

Everyone: *nodnod*

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *sweatdrop* Onward with the story!

Ishizu: *jumps into the bucket* *drags Yami out, sopping wet* *they both plop center stage and Ishizu covers them both with her blanket* I've saved you, my Pharaoh!

Yami: >> Out of the frying pan and into the fire…

Narrator: And Jonah was inside the fish for three days and three nights.

Yami Malik: *runs across stage three times, shining flashlight* *this theoretically signifies "day," ie, the sun, passing*

Narrator: From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord.

Bakura: ^^ Grovel, Pharaoh!

Yami: >> Never!

Narrator: Jonah prayed, "In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me."

Yami: *dials* 1-800-GOD-HOTLINE. Yes? I'd like to speak to God. Yeah. You know, these accommodations are pretty bad…

Bakura: *answering machine* God is not here right now. Please wait a few eons and I'll get back to you.

Narrator: >> Jonah said, "What I have vowed I will make good."

Yami: >> And you know what, thief? I vowed three thousand years ago I'd get you back, and I think I'll fulfill that now!

Toboe LoneWolf: Yami, could you please rephrase that? *hefts flamethrower*

Yami: -_-;; … *mutters* What I said I'd do, I'll do.

Bakura: ^_^ Which means you'll bow before me!

Yami: O_O NO!

Bakura: *waves video camera* *flips down the little screen* *replays* *see Yami dunked in bucket and wailing, "Anything! I'll do anything!"*

Yami: O_O … Give me that, tomb robber!

Bakura: *dances* Not 'less you bbboooww!

Narrator: … >> … And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *taps foot* And Bakura, you'd better do it or else…*waves hand* I haveth authoress powers…not to mention duct tape.

Bakura: Aww, no fun. *points to Ishizu* Throw up, woman!

Ishizu: *gags* *kicks Yami out from under blanket* … Burp!

Everyone: O_O

~ Act 4: Those Oh-So-Very Innocent Ninevites ~

Narrator: So Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord--

Bakura: And I say bow!

Yami: >> Never!

Narrator: -_- … and went to Ninevah. He proclaimed that unless they repent, they would be destroyed.

Yami: *stands center-stage* Hear ye! God will destroy you unless you repent of your evil ways!

[Enter the chibis-- I mean, hikaris-who-have-been-chibified-due-to-sugar-overdose]

Yugi: Mwhee! Loff! Life, loff, and pixie sticks! *twirls*

Yami: O_O Yugi! What happened to you?!?

Ryou: La de dah! Cheerio, everyone! *gulps sugar* *Note: White frosting lines his mouth -- make that face -- giving the impression of white hair + white face + sugar-high = very scary* Hi ho!

Bakura: GAAAAHHH! IT'S THEM EVIL CHIBIS!!!

Marik: ^_^ Hark! I hear a fairy! … No, tis only a black phantom!

Bakura: >.< I am not a phantom! *puffs out chest* I'm GOD!

Marik: ??? It speaks? Oh verily, I am compounded, conflustaled and carbonated! *clutches bag of sugar* Please no shakey, my widdle pressciouss!

Yugi: Ho ho! No being shall take our shiny heavenly glorious SUGAR!! *raises a pixie stick* Chhaarrrge!!!

*The chibis charge*

*mass chaos*

Bakura: *runs* CURSE YOU, PHARAOH! STOP THEM!!

Yami: *runs* WHY ME?!? YOU'RE GOD!!

Bakura: *screeches to a stop* HA! You admitted it! *gets run over by Ryou* Blast it all! *grabs deck*

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *snaps fingers*

Bakura: *muffled, due to Ryou bouncing on top of him* Hey! Where's my deck?

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *whistles*

Bakura: >> It was you! Cursed authoresses! … I'll bet you did this to them!

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *innocently* How else to make them "evil" on Opposite Day? See, they're happy, bouncy little angels! Complete opposites!

Yami: *cornered* Opposite enough to be evil in itself…

Bakura: -_- Pharaoh, you're the prophet, STOP THEM!

Yami: >> *shrugs* STOP!

*chibis stop at voice of The King of Games*

Yami: *creates an image of a sugar heaven using power of Millenium Puzzle* Now, if you chibis aren't good, God here will destroy your sugar. Alright?

Ryou: *horrified* NO! NOT THAT! *bows down to Bakura* Oh great God Who Makes Chocolate, do not take away the sugar!

Marik: We revere you, God Who Created Brownies and Cakes and Frosting!

Yugi: Do not takey awaysies our pixie stickisies!

Bakura: … In a way, this is nice, but in another way, very, very, very disturbing.

Narrator: … >> When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion on them and did not destroy them.

~ Act 5: Wormy Matters ~

Narrator: Jonah was displeased though, because he did not think the Ninevites deserved mercy.

Yami: -_- I'm covered in frosting due to their over-zealousness at protecting Sugar City.

Narrator: Jonah went out and sat to see what would happen to the city. It was hot, and the Lord made a vine to grow where Jonah was sitting to give him some shade.

Toboe LoneWolf: *shines all spotlights on Yami* Wait a sec, what am I doing? ^_^ It's Opposite Day! *snaps fingers* *large blocks of ice come from offstage and surround Yami, making the stage a frozen world* *snow falls from rafters*

Yami: O_O You're ki-ki-kid-ddd-ingg me… *shivers*

[offstage] Bakura: >> Yon authoress is evil…

[offstage] Toboe LoneWolf: *hisses* Bakura! Your move! *looks at Bakura pouting* And if you don't, don't think I won't…

[offstage] Bakura: O.o *snaps fingers*

Mai: *runs out carrying heater* *plops it next to Yami*

Yami: … Um, yea? *pokes heater* I don't think they had these back then… *huddles* Aaaah…warmth…my preeecccioussss…

Narrator: But at dawn, God provided a worm, which ate the vine.

Bakura: *kicks out Kaiba* Eat!

Kaiba: *falls flat onto snow, due to duct-taped legs* Mmmph! *Note: Remember, his mouth is duct-taped up*

Yami: *looks down* What's that, Kaiba? *huddles over heater* No touchie my heater!

Kaiba: >.< Mmmrrrmmph!!

Yami: *listens* Eh?

Kaiba: >.< *wiggles*

[Now, let us put this into perspective. See Yami, crouching practically over heater. See Kaiba, face flat on the snow covered stage. He is wiggling for all that he is worth, which is quite a lot. Note that since his legs, arms, and mouth is duct-taped, it takes quite a bit of effort to wiggle. Wiggling, Kaiba-style, involves the lower end of the body with much frequency. Obviously, this is not dignified.]

Kaiba: *wiggles a great deal, eventually reaching laughing Yami* *since he does not know where he is going and is also very angry, he slams into the heater with great force*

[Note: For you physics geeks out there, Kaiba happens to have a lot of mass (compared to others) and had accumulated a great deal of acceleration. Therefore, Kaiba has applied a great amount of force on that heater.]

Heater: *explodes* KA-PLEWIE!

*hot metal flies everywhere*

Yami: *run-hop-skip* YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI- HOT HOT HOT!!!

Kaiba: *squirm-wiggle-writhe* *muffled* GYIE-GYIE-GYIE-GYIIIEEE!!!

Yami: CURSE YOU, TOMB ROBBER!!!

Kaiba: MMMPPHH!!! *knocks head on stage*

Narrator: Jonah was so hot he wanted to die.

Yami: Dying three-thousand years ago was pleasant compared to this!!

Narrator: But God said, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"

Bakura: *grins* Hey Pharaoh, that's MY heater you broke! Pay up!

Yami: *indignantly* HEY! I didn't break it, he did! Make HIM pay! *points to hunched over Kaiba*

Narrator: The Lord said, "You have been concerned over the vine, though you did not tend it nor made it grow. Ninevah had more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?

Everyone: … O.o …

[offstage] Joey: *counts on hand* You're saying that that chibi-infested place numbered in the thousands???

Yami: *nods fervently* I believe that.

Bakura: I definitely agree with the "people who cannot tell their right hand from their left." *looks over shoulder* Just look at Marik…

[Enter mob from stage left, which signifies Ninevah]

*enter running/jumping/yelling chibi-hikaris*

Marik: HIYAH-HIYAH-HIYAH!!! *twirls around* OUR CITY IS SAVED!! LET US CELEBRATE!!!

Yugi: ^_^ Pixies! Pixies! Carmel and Pixies! Let the cupboards be opened and pass out the pixies!!

Ryou: *whoops and leaps* BLESSINGS BE TO GOD WHO IS MERCIFUL!!!

Everyone: O_O

Yami: O_O Did Ryou just say…merciful? *looks at Bakura* God?!?!

Bakura: O_O I'm concerned. I'm very, very, very, very concerned…

Narrator: … Yes. Right. So… *clears throat* The moral of this story is that God is compassionate and that you can't run away from God.

*curtain falls*

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Toboe LoneWolf: … ^_^ Hope you all enjoyed! *grins* Definitely a new take on things. I was a little leery of doing this story because VeggieTales (for those that know about it) has done this story as well. ^_^ But I can make it better, eh? Hope this was funny to you guys! *waves* Ja ne!