Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Dead to the World ❯ Feel For You ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

This chapter is – or was, maybe – the first fic I’ve written, and trust me, the first version was horrible. The most cliché Bakura/Ryou fic you can find. I didn’t like the second much better, nor the third… this is number four, I think. Or five… I don’t know, I’ve lost count. And truth to tell, I still don’t like this. ^^;

Anyway, the dream in the beginning is new. I had a feeling that this needed something more… I’m not sure if that is the ‘something’ but anyway. At the time I wrote it I was listening to Nightwish’s newest album, Once (well, it was the newest back then...) and… well. Let’s just say that something of every song ended up in the dream-prologue.

Begins in Bakura’s pov, changes then to Ryou’s, and then back and forth… I think it’s quite easy to see when the pov changes, but I’ve sometimes marked it with -/-.

Disclaimer: As you very well know, I don’t own Yu-Gi-Oh, and the song(s) used in this chapter are © Nightwish.

[Prologue]

I sit in a white, doorless room, staring into nothingness. I have a feeling that I have been here for long, but I am not sure… Suddenly the silence is broken: a clock strikes twelve somewhere. It makes me start, it is the most unexpected sound in this place. I look over my shoulder and see a window. Weird… I don’t remember that there was a window here.

Slowly I get up and walk to it. I peek out, but can’t see a thing. Everything is dark there. Suddenly I notice that I’m standing on the windowsill. I shrug. So what, I was bored of sitting in this room anyway. I jump out and float into the darkness, not falling… as I look behind I see – not a window but a child crouching down in the middle of the dark, watching after me a little sadly. I blink at him, he feels familiar, but I cannot remember where I have seen him. This solemn-eyed, white-haired kid… As I float away he disappears into the dark, and soon I’ve forgotten him.

I float around, lost in the dark. I don’t know where I am, or who I am. I just am.

{This is me for forever, one of the lost ones… The one without a name, without an honest heart as compass…}

Idly I think that this is a little weird, but still I am not worried. The darkness feels familiar, safe… Iknow this darkness, it is comforting. But still… I wonder why I am here, if I’ll ever get away… or will I just float around forevermore, trapped in the dark… Is this a punishment for something? I can’t remember… anything…

{You fool, you wanderer, you challenged the gods and lost}

I close my eyes, let my body relax, wonder if I could sleep here… but just then something wet falls on my cheek. I lick it away, and it tastes salty. I open my eyes again, and see glistening drops falling down from somewhere above me. Salty drops, like seawater… or tears… Curious, I try to reach towards them, and notice that my body starts to rise up at my command.

I hear something, a quiet voice, like a wind moaning in the mountains… I can hear it, but don’t see anything. There are all the time fewer drops in the air, they disappear no matter how desperately I try to reach them, find their source… I have a feeling, no, Iknow, that there, somewhere, is the answer for me, the secret of my fate, but I cannot find it.

Nothing. The drops have gone, and the darkness is unbroken again. I stop moving and let myself float again, noticing that I start to fall back down, but I don’t care.

{Lost in my own world}

This darkness. Is this Hell? Limbo? What is this place? Am I dead? …I have a feeling that I might be… dead, but still alive. I don’t understand… A cry escapes my lips, loud and long, never-ending, echoing in the dark…

“What is it?”

I startle. Look over my shoulder. The cry dies away.

Suddenly I remember the child again. This boy… looks like him, but is older… where did he come from? White hair… so familiar. I should know him.

He smiles at me. “But of course you know me. I am a messenger, sent to you from Hell. My name is Perfection.”

I blink, but he ignores me. “What were you crying for? What do you want? This?” He is holding a knife in his hand, beautiful, sharp… I stare at it as if enchanted. I reach for it hesitantly, and he lets me take it. Slowly, I put the edge against my wrist and try to slash it, but nothing happens.

“Let me help you.” He takes the knife, one cut, and I am bleeding… and it won’t stop. {…if you be the one to cut me, I’ll bleed forever…} I look up, but he is gone. There is only a softly shining rip in the darkness, and hesitantly I walk towards it.

Peeking out, I see a graveyard. A white gravestone, a black rose… soft snowflakes falling down slowly.

{With first snow I'll be gone...}

The front door slams shut and I wake up with a start.

Feel for You

You were my first love

The earth moving under me

Bedroom scent, beauty ardent

Distant shiver heaven sent

I scramble up from the sofa, feeling more disoriented than in ages. Fragments of the dream are still floating in my mind, chaotic and vague, and slightly unnerving. I shouldn’t sleep outside the Ring.

Quiet steps head from the front door to the kitchen, and just as quietly I walk to take a peek from behind the corner, just in time to see yadonushi disappearing into the kitchen. By the door I watch him starting to make a sandwich for himself, unaware of my presence. These days, he is puzzling me more than he should.

I step quickly out of the doorway when he turns around. I don’t want him to see me yet. Although I’m not sure why… I lean against the wall and try to think. Why is he bothering me so much nowadays? Earlier I didn’t pay any attention to what he did or didn’t do, and now I’m spying him as he makes a sandwich. This is absurd.

I think about the dream, feeling a little shudder as I remember the white gravestone, although I don’t know what it means – if anything.

I need to speak with him.

The thought comes to my mind out of nowhere, but I think it is right. With my decision made I turn abruptly to step into the kitchen. I didn’t notice that he was just coming out of it and my sudden movement makes us to bump into each other. The twerp had a glass of water in his other hand, and it spills on my shirt. The glass falls to the floor and shatters to pieces.

He stares at me in utter shock, doesn’t even seem to notice the pieces of glass at his feet. I stare back at him, and he quickly lowers his eyes to the floor. For a moment we stand motionless, then I raise my hand slowly, touch lightly on his chin and raise his head up. He doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch at my touch. He has learned not to do that a long time ago. But still, to my irritation, he keeps his eyes on the floor.

“Look at me.” I have to struggle to make the words soft and not a sharp command, although I’m afraid that they still came out quite commanding. He raises his eyes quickly from the floor to stare at my nose. I suppress a sigh. Should have known.

“Could you just once…” I start to say, but leave the sentence unfinished. What am I going to say anyway? My hand, which has still been holding his chin, drops down. I stand still for a moment, looking at the boy before me. He stares back at me, bewilderment clearly visible in his eyes. What to say, indeed? I think I need a short… timeout, or whatever it’s called. The Millennium Ring glows softly, I enter my soulroom and leave the puzzled boy standing by the kitchen door a sandwich forgotten in his hand.

I sit on the floor in my soulroom, trying to think.

So long has passed since I woke up in this world, but still I don’t feel like home here. Always it feels like something was wrong… it could be easy to blame him, but I know this isn’t really his fault. Lately I’ve been feeling as if I were dreaming all the time, caught into an endless trance that just goes on and on, day after day, never changing. I spend my days plotting how to get my revenge, yadonushi goes to school, comes from school, runs my errands, and the days roll by, almost unnoticed.

Yadonushi… these days I have probably spent more time pondering about him than trying to come up with a way to get Puzzle. There is something in him that draws my thoughts to him, whether I wanted or not. I remember what he looked like making that sandwich a moment ago, somehow so… delicate, even in such an everyday business.

“Perfection…” my lips whisper quietly, making me blink. I don’t know where that word came from, but still… it is quite fitting.

I get up from the floor with a sudden move.

I know that I’ve been lying to myself, for long. I know what is wrong, of course I know. I just don’t like it. But that doesn’t change the facts, does it? And denying the truth is a fool’s game…

I need to speak with him. There’s no point in sitting here alone.

I’m the snow on your lips

The freezing taste, the silvery sip

I’m the breath on your hair

The endless nightmare, devil’s lair

I’m sitting on the couch in the living room. The television blares in front of me, but no matter how hard I try I can’t make myself to concentrate on it, as my thoughts keep on returning to certain mad spirit living in my head. Lately, his behavior has been something that can only be described with the word strange – not that it weren’t that always, I guess there are few who’d consider making wooden game figures of people a normal free time hobby, but this is different.

Truth to tell, he’s making me worried. He is plotting something, I’m sure of that, and one thing I know is that his plots are never good for me, or anyone else than him, for that matter. I wish I knew what he’s up to… maybe I should call Yuugi and warn him. That’ll make him angry, of course, but… there’s nothing new in that, either.

He’s making me nervous. The way I’ve caught him staring at me couple of times… I just don’t know what to make out of it. Maybe I should…

With a start I notice that he’s standing right beside me – I’m not sure how long he has been there.

I just hope he hasn’t been reading my thoughts again.

“Ryou.”

…now that’s a surprise. Has to be the first time he’s used my name.

“Look at me when I talk to you.”

He’s not just behaving weird, he also sounds weird. A little reluctantly I look up at him. I have to admit that although this is highly unnerving, this is also making me curious.

I look at him, he stares at me, and the silence continues.

“Yes?” I ask finally, when all this staring is really starting to get on my nerves.

“I… uh,” his eyes skip from me to the walls, and if I didn’t knew better I’d say he’s a bit flustered. “What are you watching?”

I turn to look at the television.

“That… seems to be rally driving. Formula 1.” Why am I watching that? The only ‘sports’ that I definitely hate.

“What are they doing?”

I can’t help blinking. Is he trying to have a normal conversation with me? Maybe I should take him to a shrink… Excuse me, but my psychotic darker side who lives inside this pendant is behaving normally. Can you help him?

“It’s a competition. The fastest wins.”

He looks at the television with mild interest. “So there is something in this pathetic world of yours that isn’t completely spineless… I think that even beats the horse races they liked in my time.”

Yeah. Trust my yami to like something I hate.

“So… did you come here to discuss Formula?” I asked, irritated despite myself.

His gaze returns to me from the television and all sings of interest disappear from it. For a moment he looks at me silently.

“Stand up.” The command is sharp, but he’s face is blank. There is no sing of that condescending arrogance that is usual for him when he has decided to honor me with his presence.

I hesitate a short while, but rise then up. There is a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, telling me that the wisest thing would be to run, and fast, but… will curiosity kill the landlord, I wonder?

He is staring at me through narrowed eyes. “I just can’t understand…” he mutters, and I blink. Understand what? Not that I understood anything here, either… so I guess we’re even. I smile a little at my thoughts, and that makes him frown.

“Surely you think this is funny,” he sneers at me. “I wouldn’t be surprised that you had planned the whole thing…” I blink again. Planned what? No need for a shrink here… I guess he’s totally his schizophrenic self after all.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I find myself saying. “Planned what? The only thing I’ve been planning recently is my English presentation – and you know that.”

The frown on his face gets deeper. “Don’t try to mess with me. I will figure this out…”

“You’re blaming me of messing with you?” I didn’t mean to say that aloud, but the idea was so… ridiculous that escaped me before I noticed.

He doesn’t look amused, though.

“Are you really as innocent as you seem, yadonushi? Or is that all an act?” His speaking very slowly, quietly, and staring at me through slit eyes, and suddenly I’m extremely nervous again. What does he expect me to say to that?

“Are you?”

I stare back at him, confused. “I… I don’t know?”

He snorts and rolls his eyes. Takes a few steps back and forth. Stops to look at me again, the frown constantly on his face. “You aren’t seeing anyone, are you? Dating, as they say?”

I blink. What the…? “You know very well I’m not.”

He snorts again. “And if you were, would you be… ‘dating’ a girl or a boy?”

“Wh-what?!” I flutter a moment, feeling my face rush red. “That’s hardly your business!”

He glares at me. “Answer the question, yadonushi.”

I don’t believe that guy. There are times I just don’t believe him. “And if I don’t?”

His eyes are flaming red, and for a moment I wonder which is brighter, his eyes or my face. I know I’m pushing it, but I just can’t help it. Just who does he think it is? I can’t come up with any reason for him to want to know something like that – any reason that doesn’t belong to the most disturbing, not-for-kids category you can think of, that is – and I’ll be damned if I let him have his way again.

Besides, you’d think he’d know these things, spending most of his time in my head. Is he doing this again just to… mess with me, as usual?

“I think you’d better.” His voice is still quiet and controlled, threatening, but I don’t anymore give a damn.

“Whatever.” I’m sick of this. I turn my back at him and start walking away – I’m not sure where I’m going to, I just know I want to go away from here.

“Damn you!” A hand grabs suddenly my hair and twitches me back. “You answer when I ask a question!”

The hand pulls harder and sends me across the room. From the corner of my eye I see the edge of the table approaching fast, but before I get a scream out it hits my head and all goes black.

Only so many times

I can say I long for you

The lily among the thorns

The prey among the wolves

Uh. I open slightly my eyes and close them quickly with a moan. Even that small movement sent a sharp twinge of pain through my head. It feels as if at least a battalion of dwarves were hammering inside my head, trying to make a passage out. I raise my hand and touch very carefully the back of my head, where the dwarves are most diligent.

Well, it has been quite long since he last knocked me out… I guess I just should be happy that I was allowed to be in peace this long.

I move a little trying to get up, but the headache gets so bad that I fall straight back to… to my bed? How did I get here? I…

I took a look around, realizing that I really am in my room. Just then my eyes meet at a figure sitting in a chair by the window and looking at me.

I blink. Yes, the figure remains where it was. The sunlight coming from the window behind it makes it difficult to see it clearly, but I’d recognize him anywhere, as well as my own mirror image.

-/-

Yadonushi’s staring at me with wide eyes. I guess the best I can do is get down to the business straight away, so I get up from the chair and walk to the bed. For a moment I stand beside it staring at the boy lying in it, wondering what to do, and sit then down beside him. He closes his eyes.

“Ryou.”

Silence.

“Ryou… are… are you alright?”

The silence continues.

I sigh. I’m not going to lose my patience with him again… I’m not going to lose my patience… Just as I open my mouth to ask the question again, I see Ryou opening his eyes. I remain silent, meeting his tired gaze.

“Why?” he asks, voice barely more than a whisper. I’m not quite sure what to say… why what? I stare at him blankly, and after a while he closes his eyes with a sigh.

“Whatever.”

I have a feeling I should say something, but for once I’m totally at the loss of words. I didn’t mean to hurt him, I didn’t mean to lose control like that. Actually, I find the fact that I did lose control a bit disturbing. That hasn’t happened since… well, actually, I don’t remember if that has happened ever before.

Words. They’re quite useless, after all. I have always been of the opinion that deeds matter more than words. I turn to look at yadonushi again. He’s lying completely still, as if in sleep, but I know he’s awake. There’s a little blood on his right temple – very little, but it’s quite obvious against his white hair. He turns his head a little, flinches, and his lips part in a soundless moan.

I stare at him a moment longer before leaning forward. Deeds before words.

-/-

I lie silently on my bed, eyes closed, staring at the darkness of the backside of my eyelids. I hear him breathing beside me, very softly and slowly. I wish he’d either say what he’s obviously wanting to say, or then just went away. The headache is only getting worse. I try to move slightly, wondering if some other position would be less painful, but obviously that wasn’t a good idea… I flinch in pain, only a little, and force back a moan. I’d really give much to have a painkiller right now… or two… but I guess it’d be too much asked for him to be considerate enough to get them. He… Suddenly I hear his breathing much closer. I can feel it on my cheek. My eyes blink open. On that instant he presses his lips softly on mine.

-/-

One way to say it, of course…

The kiss lasted only for a moment, but I can see that it left Ryou completely breathless. The way his gaping at me makes me to straighten slowly. He doesn’t seem to be too happy about what just happened. I try to draw him up too, but he moans quietly, and I decide that it might be better for him to keep on lying after all.

“Do you already understand?” I ask quietly, looking straight into his wide eyes. He doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “You must have felt it too, haven’t you? There is a connection between us, very old, and very strong… and no matter how much I would want to deny it… it draws us together. It binds us together. There isn’t much we can do about that.”

I pause for a moment, lick my lips. He has closed his eyes again. I hesitate a moment before going on. “I didn’t like that idea. You must know that I would hate anything, everything that would be imposed on me from outside, forced on me whether I want it or not. But now… after living with you – and in you – for so long… I’ve finally realized that I have wanted it. For long. Already in the Ring I dreamed-“

I wasn’t planning to get into that, so I left the sentence hanging.

“Don’t expect me to tell you that I love you. But I can tell you that I care for you – you are my yadonushi, and I will keep you safe. I can promise you that.”

Someday, I will feed a snake

Drink her venom, stay awake

In time all pain will fade

Through your memory I will wade

My gaze had begun to wander across the room while I spoke. I wait for him to say something, I don’t like his silence, but he just remains quiet. Finally I steal a glance at him. Wha… is that a tear that’s rolling down his cheek?

“Ryou…” I reach out to wipe it away, but before I can touch him, his eyes flash open and he seizes my hand.

“And what do you except me to say?” his voice is muffled with tears and a little bitter, and it makes me shift restlessly. “What? ‘It’s okay yami, I’ve actually always liked you a lot, it doesn’t matter that you beat me, mock me, manipulate me to use me for your own ends… I love you still.’ Something like that, huh?”

He’s almost crying now, and I don’t have lightest idea what to say. Suddenly he makes an effort to get into a sitting position and somehow manages in it. We sit on the bed staring at each other.

-/-

I try to fight tears back as I stare at my yami, but I don’t really face any success in it. Finally I can’t take the silence anymore and jump up from the bed, ignoring the pounding in my head. The dwarves, who also were momentarily baffled by the kiss – the kiss!? – are back in action, hammering harder than ever.

I take a few staggering steps towards the wall and reach it just in time for it to prevent me from falling down. Good thing. I don’t want to fall with him watching. Not now. Not ever again. I turn slowly around and leaning against the wall look at him, still sitting on the bed.

“I don’t know what you’re planning this time”, I whisper. “How do you think I could even believe what you said… you’re the master manipulator, right?” Slowly, I feel anger building up inside me, drowning the pain under it. “It’s quite probable that you’re just plotting something again… or maybe this is some new game you’ve invented, toying with my feelings!”

“Ryou…”

“Just shut up for once, will you!” Tears are rolling free down my cheeks now, but who cares. I lean against the wall, supporting myself on it. Closing my eyes I rest my head on the wall as well. A small thought flashes in my mind, he’s probably going to kill me for that… but somehow I don’t anymore care.

“Shut up”, I whisper. “I don’t want to hear anymore. Just go on beating me, who cares anyway, but don’t bring up those lies anymore.” Suddenly my knees fail under me and I slide down to the floor still leaning against the wall. Shit.

“I… I just can’t… You’ve already made my life a hell, why can’t you be content with that? God, I wish that father had never given me that cursed ring… I…” My hand makes a movement as if to tear off the Ring and throw it away, but falls back to my side before even reaching it.

-/-

For some time I watch him sitting on the floor and walk then slowly to him. Bending over him, I tilt his head backwards trying to make him to meet my gaze, but he closes his eyes again. I know I should say something, say the famous right words, but I seem to be lacking the manuscript for this play.

“I can’t blame you for thinking like that… but Ryou, I really…”

“Really what?” he interrupts me wearily. “Really meant it? What does it matter, whether you did or not, anyway…”

That stung. Surprisingly sharply. I remain silent for a moment, and press then lightly my hand on his.

“I did mean it, Ryou. I meant every word”, I whisper before letting go of his hand and walking away slowly. By the door I turn to take one more look on him. He’s still sitting on the floor with his eyes shut. I don’t remember seeing him that… broken or something… ever earlier.

I guess this didn’t go too well. Another timeout needed.

“I know you think that you’d be better off without me… and it’s not really surprising in any way.” I’m a little surprised at how weary my own voice sounds. “Maybe.. just let me think about this for a moment, maybe I will come up with… something…” I let my voice trail away. I have to go somewhere to do some serious thinking. Silently I open the door and leave the room, leaving Ryou sitting on the floor.

-/-

I watch the door close after him. A small sigh escapes me, and I rub a little my temples. His behavior alone would be enough to give me a headache… Carefully I get up from the floor, ignoring the little stars that twinkle in my eyes. I take a peek out of the door, but he’s nowhere in sight. Slowly I walk to the bathroom where the medicine cupboard is. Aspirins… aspirins… my kingdom for some aspirins… Actually, if my kingdom includes my yami, you can get it for free.

I reach the bathroom and start searching for the aspirins from the med cupboard, trying to stay in control of my thoughts, which are in quite a turmoil. No matter how hard I try I can’t grasp what just happened.

Care about me… what the hell he meant? As if I’d ever believe that, just what’s he this time going to… Care… as if… Damn, I just don’t understand… ‘I meant every word…’ As if he could… care… Where those damned aspirins… ‘…better off without me…’ I need… better… without…

I stop searching for a moment. I hear his voice ringing in my head. ´...that you’d be better off without me... What did he mean? Well, of course I… I mean, I…

Damn it, why does thinking have to hurt so much!?

I turn away from the cupboard, the aspirins forgotten. I know that he couldn’t really mean what he said… but still I have this nagging feeling… He did appear to be quite serious. And uncharacteristically gentle. And sad, when he left… Now that I think of it, I think I felt a twinge of real sadness through our link when he left. It’s difficult to be sure, though, because of this headache…

So, what should I do…? I have not often done this, but now I try our link cautiously. Nothing. /Yami?/ I call hesitantly, but receive no reply. Kind of relieving, I’m not sure if I wanted him to answer in the first place. But still… I stare at the opposite wall frowning a little, when a thought suddenly pops up in my mind.

Oh my god…

No he wouldn’t. He… I hear his voice again. ...better of without me... No, it can’t be… It can’t be true that he’d really care… And even if he did he wouldn’t… Panic’s building up in my chest. /Yami!/ I yell again through our link. /Yami, please answer me… Yami!/ I run out of the bathroom, this time shouting aloud. “Yami! Where are you! Yami please…”

The house is silent.

Barely cold in his grave

Barely warm in my bed

Settling for a draw tonight

Puppet boy your strings are mine.

”Yami!”

I raise my head a little when I hear Ryou’s panic stricken voice. I wonder what the twerp is now getting so worked up about… For a moment I consider getting down from the roof where I’m sitting but decide then to remain where I am. [1]

Let him worry for a moment. Honestly, what does he need to believe me? That I suddenly turn all teary-eyed and beg for his forgiveness? I said I’m sorry, isn’t that enough? I… Wait a minute… I guess I didn’t say it… that I’m sorry!? Where the hell did that come from?

I turn angrily around so that I’m lying on my back and rest my head on my arms, ignoring yadonushi’s shouts from below. I guess I am. In a way. But…

Come on, you could at least be honest to yourself, a little voice whispers in my head. And of course Ryou’s voice has to join it. You’ve already made my life a hell… I close my eyes. Honest, huh? Okay, I am sorry. Not that it changes anything.

“Could you stop that yelling, I can’t hear my own thoughts here!” I shout angrily down at Ryou, who’s still calling for me. Little wonder the neighbors haven’t yet come to see what’s burning.

“Yami! Are you okay? What are you doing there? You aren’t going to jump, are you?” There’s still a hint of panic in his voice, and I frown a little.

Jump? What the hell is he talking about? I didn’t know he hit his head that badly… “And if I were?” I ask, not getting up from where I’m lying.

“I’m sorry yami! I didn’t mean… where… oh, there it…” I hear Ryou starting to climb the ladders up. “Don’t move yami, I’m coming… I… uh!” I wince. Next thing he’s going to do is probably to fall down and break his neck the way he’s rushing around…

Suddenly Ryou’s head comes into sight. “Yami! Are you okay?” He climbs hastily up the last few steps and jumps on the roof, almost slipping. I wince again. How can he be that clumsy? I glare up at him as he stops hesitantly beside me. “So… you are okay?” he asks meekly when I don’t say anything.

“What made you think otherwise?”

He opens his mouth and closes it again, obviously not knowing what to say.

“Did you really think that I was so heartbroken that I was going to jump down from here?” I get up and walk to the roof’s edge. Little idiot. “If I wanted to die, I don’t think that this would be the way I’d do it… At least I’d find some higher place. Besides, I’m a spirit. Immortal, remember?”

I turn to look at him.

“You were worried about me.” Not a question, a statement, and Ryou seems still to be at a loss with words.

I cough quietly, and glance down. “I… I just realized that there was something I forgot to say to you…”

“What?” he asks, when have I remained silent for some time. I cough again and mutter my apology, still not meeting his eyes.

“What...?”

“I said I’m sorry, okay!?” I glance up at him angrily. “I guess you could just forget everything else I said earlier. That’s what I should have said, before I started babbling… all kind of idiocies…”

Ryou sighs. “I’m not sure if I want to forget it… that is if you really meant what you said. I just… I wish I could trust in you, but…” He sits down on the roof, and wraps his arms around his knees. I walk slowly to him and sit down beside him.

Now. A new chance. Don’t screw up this one.

“I know. I’ve never really done anything that’d give you any reason to trust me… But if you could try to… I mean give me a chance and I promise I’ll do my best to… Well, you see, to…” The words are failing me again. How can it be this difficult!? “Not to… uh…to hell with it!” I grab Ryou’s chin and turn his face towards me. For a moment I stare at his bewildered eyes, and I feel my expression softening the slightest amount.

“I am what I am, and I don’t believe that I’m going to change… But as I said I do care for you and I… I don’t really want to hurt you. I guess I’ve just been… damn, I don’t know what, so frustrated or something… but I promise that I won’t do it again… at least I’ll try my best not to, but my temper isn’t always exactly controllable, as I’m sure you have noticed…” I draw Ryou closer to me and bury my face in his neck. Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. “If you’d only let me love you…”

Shit. That wasn’t me, was it?

I’m still trying to come up with something to say to cover up that, when I feel Ryou relax in my arms. He turns a little and rests his head against my shoulder. “I guess that’s all I’ve ever wanted to”, I hear him whisper, and decide that perhaps the best thing I can do is just to shut up.

I watch him lying in my arms and can’t help smiling a little. He is quite adorable, even if he is such a weakling… Oh well, let him be weak, what does it matter. I am strong, and that’s enough. Anyway, maybe it’s just a good thing he isn’t too strong… as he is, he’s easy to control. He can be quite resolute, though, I have to give him that, but I’m sure I can work my way around all problems he might pose, just…

Suddenly he raises his head interrupting my musings.

“Yami?”

“Hmm?”

“IR 17;m sorry to ruin the moment…” I blink. What moment? “…but I’d really need some aspirins…”

This one is for you.

For you, only for you.

Just give into it never think again.

I feel for you.

[1] Let’s imagine that Ryou lives in such a house that it’s possible to go to sit on its roof, okay? I know that in the manga he lives in an apartment house, on the sixth floor or whatever, but… this is AU, okay?

The song doesn’t fit the fic as well as it should in all parts, I know. That’s for the most part due to changes in the fic. But anyway, it’s better that way than it used to be. Personally I like the next chapter better… I’ll upload it within days.