Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Dead to the World ❯ Lost Love ( Chapter 4 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

The songs I used in this chapter are parts 1 and 2 of Beauty of the Beast: Long Lost Love and One More Night to Live. In theory you can listen to a sample at Nightwish’s home page (here, to be exact: http://www.nightwish.com/en/files/audio) but of course just this song isn’t working at the moment. But there’s the link, anyway. You can always listen to something else. (Like Dead Boy’s Poem, for example... *_*)

Disclaimer: No, I don’t own Yu-Gi-Oh… You can be sure that I’ll tell you if I some day do. ^^ Same goes for the songs.

Oh yes, this begins in Ryou’s pov.

Chapter 4: Lost Love

I sit on a bench in a park, staring at the little water droplets dripping down from the leaves of the trees. It has been really rainy lately. Everything’s glistening wet, including me. Well, maybe I’m not glistening… more like soaking wet. Not that it matters, really; despite the rain the weather is quite warm.

A little raindrop is hanging on the edge of a leaf, gradually lets go of it and falls down. I watch it as it hits the ground, remembering a TV-program I saw… I don’t remember when, nor what it was about. Anyway, they showed in it drops of water falling down in slow motion. When the drops hit the ground and bounced back up they kind of broke up forming a little crown in the air for a moment, before falling back down. It was actually quite beautiful, there was such symmetry in their dance… I wonder if that drop I just watched behaved in a similar way. If everywhere around me little droplets bounce happily up and down before they get soaked into the ground…

Who cares about raindrops anyway.

I get angrily up from the bench. Suddenly I’m tired of sitting here, and I want to get away from this park. I head towards the little forest that is close by. Walking in nature has always made me feel better. Hope it’s going to work this time too…

Trees have dropped their leaves,

Clouds their waters

All this burden is killing me

Sun takes a shy peek from behind the clouds, painting shadows all over the land. This seems to become a beautiful day, after all… the rain suited my mood better.

I wonder what kind of weather it’s in Egypt…

I stop and stare at the sky, at the dispersing clouds.

When did it go wrong?

I guess we just were too different. We clashed at everything… Couldn’t do anything normal, what people usually do, couldn’t even go to the movies together, as neither of us could stomach the movies the other preferred.

I just don’t understand you. You always called me a weakling when I gave up to you, but if I didn’t, if I dared to oppose you in anything, that made you angry too, even if it was only over the question whether we’d eat pizza or Chinese food… So what was I supposed to do?

I guess it could have worked, after all, if you had been able to forget the other Millennium Items and live a normal life. Once a thief always a thief, I guess.

Maybe this was best, after all.

Although I’m afraid of the day when you will return. Not to me… I’m really beginning to doubt that you’d ever return to me… but I’m sure that some day you will come to get the other items… once you have found whatever it is you went to look for in Egypt.

And that is what makes me scared… I’m afraid of what you’re going to do when you return. You were so cold when you left, just stating that you’ve finally found a way to be separated from me for longer times – not permanently, but almost. Just told me that and walked away. I shouted after you, asked where you were going… To Egypt, was the answer.

To Egypt.

With a sigh I turn away from the path and climb on the rocks. There are too many people walking in the forest today, I want to be alone.

Distance is covering your way,

Tears your memory

All this beauty is killing me

I climb higher carefully, trying not to slip on the wet rocks. You always said that I’m clumsy, too…

My throat feels tight and I have to stop. Why do I still have to feel for you like this? It would be easier if I could just forget you… Although that would be impossible, even if I didn’t love you. It’s not easy to forget someone like you.

I hear some noise behind me and it makes me start. Glancing over my shoulder I see two boys disappearing behind the trees. Strange, for a moment I felt as if I should have tried to hide from them or to run away… I take a look on the rocks. There’s something remotely familiar in them. Of course I’ve been climbing here earlier but I don’t mean that… It’s as if…

Frowning I shake my head. I guess I’m really too stressed nowadays.

I continue walking higher – not that I could get very high here, this isn’t exactly any Mt. Everest – but I want to climb as high as I can.

I wonder if you ever think about me… Even if you do, I’m sure it’s not in this way.

I have to stop this. I climb a little higher and sit on a big rock taking a look around me. The sun has finally got rid of the clouds, the birds are singing, there’s a soft breeze blowing around… Shortly put, it did become a beautiful day of late autumn. There’s no sense in wasting it brooding over someone who isn’t probably giving me a second thought. If even the first one.

Oh, do you care,

I still feel for you

So aware,

What should be lost is there

I feel a little twinge in my chest, but I’m determined to ignore it. I can live my life without him if I have to. Anyway, isn’t this what I wanted? To get my life back to myself? Now I have a chance to fulfill those dreams I had. I take a look on the rocks above me. Why not to begin this new life by conquering this ‘mountain’.

I get up and going.

A little bird watches me sitting on a tree branch and I smile at it. Wonder what it is… I used to know lots of birds but it was a long ago. I guess…

The twig I had grasped to pull myself up is really slippery, I can’t get a firm grip of it… I…

Suddenly I realize that I’m sliding down and fervently try to get a grip of something, but…

This isn’t true. I’m not falling. Such things happen to others, not…

I hit the ground and everything fades away…

Egypt hasn’t changed much in three thousand years. It still consists mostly of sun, dust, and sand… or at least this little town does.

I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing here.

I know, I know… it was my own decision to come here. I’m not sure what I thought I’d gain by this, though. I didn’t really believe I’d get the Ankh and the Scale here, anyway.

And I refuse to believe that I was homesick.

Maybe I just wanted to get a little break.

You know, being sealed in a gold object for a few millennia doesn’t really prepare you to start a relationship. Especially not with someone like him…

Maybe we were becoming too close, or something. All I know is that it all was making me kind of… nervous. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe it all was a mistake.

It was hard enough, last time when I was sealed into the Ring… and I’m afraid it will happen again, when Ryou dies. I’ll be sent back to that darkness. If I let myself to become too close with him…

Okay, it hurt last time to be separated from him like that, and then I was only beginning to care about him. Now, if I really fall in love with him, it would be much worse.

I guess it’s better for me not to love anyone.

I fear I will never find anyone

I know my greatest pain is yet to come

I shake my head with a sigh. Maybe it’d be better, but it’s a little late for that, isn’t it?

I love him. Going to Egypt doesn’t change that.

I walk aimlessly on the streets, trying to decide what to do. This whole thing is beginning to make me feel… disgusted. That’s it. Disgusted with myself. I’m running away, am I not? Scared of future pains I’m throwing away everything I’ve gained.

I stop and lean against a wall looking up at the sky. The sun shines brightly, and the wall behind me feels warm. Everything’s warm here… if not hot. I watch the people walking on the street and realize that after all Egypt has changed. Maybe not the land, but the people. I don’t belong here anymore.

I hate to admit it, but I guess the best I can do is go back to Japan. I just hope it isn’t too late yet…

Will we find each other in the dark

My long lost love

I wouldn’t have believed that I could become so… so… I don’t know what! So attached to someone like him.

I’m still leaning against the wall as I close my eyes remembering him. Ryou doing his homework, sleeping, laughing at something I’ve said… and always having that gentle air around himself. Yes, even when he’s sleeping. How does he do that? That little twerp… I smile a little. Yes, I have to go back to him, who knows what kind of trouble he’s managed to get himself while I’ve been gone…

My eyes snap open abruptly. Or maybe he’s not in any kind of a trouble… maybe he’s just happy that I’m gone. That’s what he used to want, anyway… I don’t like that thought. Maybe… it’s best if I go there just to check the situation. If he’s happy I can… well, go somewhere else. Sounds like a plan. Almost. I sigh. I wish I didn’t care for him this much anymore…

Oh, do you care,

I still feel for you

So aware,

What should be lost is there

I start walking, but I haven’t taken many steps, when it suddenly hits me. Everything goes black, my ears are buzzing so much I can’t hear anything, I feel myself falling down… can’t breath… can’t…

“Hey! Hey, are you okay?”

My sight is slowly returning and I can see someone bending over me. Breath in… out… in… yes, that’s good… just breath…

Ryou.

“Can you get up? Should I call an ambulance?” That someone’s holding my arm and I wrench it free.

“Keep your hands off me”, I mumble as I scramble to my feet. The someone reaches out his hand and I push it angrily aside. “Don’t touch me, I’m fine!”

“Okay, okay.” He backs away a little. “Sorry, I was just trying…”

I ignore him and start to run, well, to stagger away. Something’s wrong with Ryou… Something’s very badly wrong, and I have to go to him as soon as I can.

“It’s there, behind those trees. You’ll know it when you see it, it’s…”

“Alright,” I cut him off. I wish he’d just shut up. Slowly I start to walk towards the trees he showed me.

“Do you want me…”

“I want you to shut up, Pharaoh,” I say without turning to look.

I walk in silence, and for a moment I think that maybe I should have told him to come with me. The evening is surprisingly cold, and there’s something ominous in this silence, the birds don’t sing and even the wind is quiet.

On some silent nights like this we used to sit on the roof, watch the stars, and… just be. That silence was comforting. Peaceful… Sometimes he told me about his dreams. I knew much about them, anyway; he was never able to hide things from me, but it was nice to hear him talk about them. Talk about them of his own free will… About his dreams, and sorrows…

He told me about his mother, about how much he missed her, and I wished I could tell him about my mother, but I never found the words. And he told me about his sister, and sometimes he even read to me passages from the letters he wrote to her.

Still, most of all he spoke about his father, about how he wanted to make him proud of him. This always led to his dreams. Sometimes they made me worried. I couldn’t help wondering how someone like him would ever survive in the world… so naïve and trusting…

I guess there’s no need to worry about that anymore.

Safely away from the world

In a dream, timeless domain

A child, dreamy eyed,

Mother's mirror, father's pride

I stop as I come to the grave. The pharaoh was right, it’s easy to recognize it. There’s a little white stone, very simple, and somehow it reminds me of Ryou. I sat down beside it and touch its cold surface.

They were quick, it has barely been a week since he… he… since I got that ‘attack’ in Egypt. Already buried… It was surprisingly difficult to get fast back to Japan from Egypt. I’d like to have attended the funeral, why didn’t they wait for me…

I sigh as I lean against the stone. All the way to the cemetery I was thinking about what to say, I felt as if I should say something when I come here, but now… I don’t think that there are right words for this situation. Except perhaps…

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. Sorry. I have told him earlier that I’m sorry too, but did I really mean it like do now? Somehow those words don’t seem to be enough. I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry this happened, I’m sorry you’re dead… Doesn’t sound right.

If only I could somehow get him back. With him I always felt… somehow happier than usually, somehow… better. I told him once that I’m not going to change from what I am, but maybe he was changing me, making me a better person.

I guess he did… Some time ago I wouldn’t even have thought things like this. Better person. Indeed.

I wish I could come back to you

Once again feel the rain

Falling inside me

Cleaning all that I've become

I hold a black rose gently in my fingers, watch its perfect petals, and then carefully place it on the grave. I had to bring here something, and that was the only thing that felt right. I watch it for some time, a black rose in front of a white gravestone, and turn then my eyes away from it.

If I hadn’t gone to Egypt maybe this wouldn’t have happened…

I just went there to… search for things I remember from my earlier life, but they were all gone. I guess I should have taken you with me, and not leave you like that… Everything was gone, anyway, the things I have in my memories. And now I’ve lost everything else, too.

Ryou… I wish I could know what you felt when I left. The others told me you were sad, that you did miss me… they said you really loved me. I don’t understand why, though. I never was good to you, I know I caused you more pain than happiness. Why would you have cared for me? You said it yourself once… you told me that I reminded you of a wolf, of some wild beast that is ready to bite the hand that feeds it. And still you trusted me, loved me, would have done anything for me…

I guess I’m not meant to understand you. You are light, after all, and I am darkness.

My home is far but the rest it lies so close

With my long lost love under the black rose

You told I had the eyes of a wolf

Search them and find the beauty of the beast

The heavy feeling inside my chest intensifies, and I have to fight back tears. I haven’t cried for… a very long time, and I’m not going to start now. I look down at my hands and see that they are already transparent. It’s not going to take long before I follow you… or don’t follow, of course, I have a hell of my own to which I will return.

If someone saw me here, he’d probably think that I’m your ghost.

The thought almost makes me laugh, and I realize that I’m on the edge of hysterics. Damn. I haven’t been that for a… well, never.

It’s just so hard… I wish I could tell you… I wish I could show you how much… Gods, I knew this would hurt…

All of my songs can only be composed of the greatest of pains

Every single verse can only be born of the greatest of wishes

It’s not fair! Why do I have to always be the one who dies alone! I don’t want to die at all… to enter that darkness again… I’m afraid of what it will do to me this time. I raise my hands before my eyes and through them I see white downy snowflakes beginning to fall slowly down from the sky. As white as the gravestone… Yes, it will not take long. I lower my hands to my lap and stare at the gravestone. There’s nothing to be done about it.

I just wish… wish…

I wish I had one more night to live...

There. Comments are, of course, always appreciated. Three more chapters to go atm.