Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ White Padded Room ❯ Selection ( Chapter 3 )

Question answer: Title of the Days in the original Parasite Eve game. Closest person was Renee the Rabid Squirrel. The story is called "At Their Feet" in case anyone was interested. *shrug*

Chapter Three: Selection

I've grown used to the warm body beside me while I sleep. The sweet breath that falls from his half-parted lips upon my neck as he sleeps peaceful, causing equally sweet dreams inside my own slumber each nigh. In those dreams I find myself dreaming of things that I wouldn't think myself capable of. I dream of what it would be like to kiss him, or what his skin would taste like.

There have been more then a few times in where I have been tempted to try, taking advantage of his trusting closed eyes and the closeness of his body. So many parts of me wanted do nothing more then to touch him; pleasure him, but it a part of myself that I have had to will away.

More then once I have dreamt about what it would be like to be intimate with him. Those days after the dreams I know I blush every time I look at him. He always asks me if I'm feeling all right, or why I'm acting so strangely. I always say I feel a little dizzy or make other lame excuse that I know he probably doesn't buy. I'm sure he thinks I'm becoming depressed sometimes, because he has told me more then once that I am distant on those days.

I don't believe that I will ever be able to tell him exactly why I act the way I do. This is, after all, the same Bakura that skinned a cat just because he thought its mere presence was annoying. I fear that if I tell him that I am attracted to him, more then just sexually, that I would suffer a worse fate then that of the cat; I would lose what I have with him now.

Bakura, to say the least, is not one of the easiest people to convince to trust you. I suppose that would make me lucky that he actually trusts me. I could never do such a thing as tell him how I feel and lose it. So I must sit here letting this newly growing feelings for him incubate and grow inside of me until I self-destruct. I must sit back from afar and watch the one I care for live his life, and that is all. It is what I must do even though I wish I did not have to suffer through it.

Sometimes knowing such a fact makes me thing crazy things such as wishing that I had, had another roommate aside from Bakura, though I know that I would never change what I have with him for the world. Other times I find myself wishing that rather then having feelings for Bakura, that it would've been Ryou. Ryou would understand why I feel this way, even though in I do not myself.

There are so many thoughts like that, that pass through my mind. Not one of them do I really mean. I presume that it's some sort of perverse metal defense I didn't realize I have that makes me wish I didn't feel the way I always feel; that I have to make up lame wishes or excuses in order to make myself feel better about how the emotions I feel towards Bakura. Yet I myself do not know exactly what I feel for Bakura.

I know certain things, like I know I find him physically attractive, but on scales of looks Bakura's ideal for any guy or girl strait, gay or whatever. Bakura is just, beautiful. And I know that the feelings I have for him are not just a crush, or a silly childhood infatuation, admiration or anything like that. Still I know it is not love, either. Perhaps it is the beginnings of falling in love? I would not know, for I myself have never been in love. At least, I don't believe I have.

Right now I label my feelings for him with an astounding question mark, one in which I know will be answered sooner or later. Preferably sooner rather then later, however. For the time being I have no idea what exactly I am going to about him. The best choice, I guess would be to keep doing what I have been doing; to be a friend to him. Or really, someone to lean on.

I have always wondered, why is it that emotions are so complex? It would be so much easier if I could know exactly how he felt towards me. Though, even that I am afraid of. I am afraid of finding it that he is just using me because he knows I will give him comfort. I don't believe I could ever really handle that. I'm barely handling our 'relationship' as it is already. I'm becoming paranoid and afraid; questioning things that I would've never questioned in the past but most of all my biggest fear is changing.

My biggest fear is changing to losing Bakura. My worst fear out of all the things I could fear would be to lose him. And that is one thing, I will never question, because I know why I fear to lose him so much. I fear losing him because he is the only one who even acts like they care.

That is the biggest misconception other's have made about him. They think he's thoughtless, incapable of the emotion we would call 'love' or 'affection'. I have only been close to him for a measly week. Already I can tell that he isn't as heartless as one would say.

I can tell from the peaceful look on his face when he sleeps. Perhaps it's even the fact that he conceders sleeping next to me at all, and even trusts me not to harm him as he slumbers.

The thought of actually hurting him baffles me at this point. Funny how one's opinion on a person can change with a few small incidents, isn't it? I used to be just like the rest of them. I used to think of him as nothing but a cold heartless bastard in which only gave a damn about himself.

Comforting me my first night had been the first thing to waver my thoughts on him. Then there was his story about Ryou. He had tried to hug him and was punished for it. Had I been Anzu, Yugi or my sister, I would've cried. All I could really do was feel sorry for them. Now the soft words he passes towards me, the feeling of his breath beating against my neck every night and the soft smell of his hair have completely changed my outlook on him.

Bakura was anything but a heartless bastard. He was more like an angel. Granted, he might not be the pure kind of angel that hear normally think about, but one of those spoken of in the bible; the ones that where cased down to earth to punish those who have sinned.

I suppose he's not too much like those angels. He has his free will after all and chooses it to quite openly torture those around him from time to time. Perhaps that would make him an angel of purgatory or maybe even a fallen angel.

Whatever he is I know he can care just as any other human, or spirit in his case. He's just not as open about it as others are.

Day Eight:

Waiting was always a pain. That was the thought that crossed Ryou's mind as he sat in the dim waiting room that smelled like a mix between fresh coffee and bleach. A rather sickening smell, it was. The place itself had always made Ryou feel uncomfortable. It had an atmosphere that made his nerves go haywire.

Before he hadn't had to come and visit the place too often. But that was before, and now he had a friend and his darker half locked away in this place. That meant he was obligated to spend twice as much time in there as he had originally intended. Just wonderful.

With a heave of a sigh, the albino boy rested his head on the back of the old walls of the institution. It was going to be a while before nurse even came to see whom he was visiting, then another decade before they actually showed him to his room. Or that's what it had felt like at least.

Through thick brown lashes, Ryou looked upwards at the clock then sighed again. He had already been there for forty minutes and suspected it would probably take at least another two hours before he was able to get back into the room.

Hospitals, he hated them; even more so the ones for the mentally ill. They seemed to drag out everything four times longer then they really needed to just so they could make you sit on your butt, which would defiantly be numb by the end of it, and waste your days away. It was annoying to say the least.

He shifted in his seat finding the normally unbearably uncomfortable chair even more uncomfortable then before. He was nervous about seeing Jou again. Seeing Bakura locked up in that straitjacket wasting his life away was bad enough, but seeing Jou go through the same sort of torment, minus the jacket of course, was just as sickening if not more.

In Ryou's mind Jou was perhaps the only slightly sane one in the world. He wasn't delusional or naïve like all of the others where. He acted like an idiot and made people laugh to make their life better, not his. If it made Jou himself feel any better he wouldn't be depressed and suicidal. He didn't deserve to be there because he was the only one of the group that would accept that they didn't enjoy their life.

A deep frown placed itself on his face, as he let his eyes slip closed in thought. Even he wouldn't accept that he didn't enjoy his life. So Ryou kept telling himself he was happy or things like Bakura was better off without him around. He blamed Bakura getting placed here on himself, even though it was clear it was all Malik's doing.

But he couldn't help but think that maybe if he hadn't pushed his darker side away, that maybe he would've been able to save him.

"Bakura, Ryou?" one of the nurses called to him. He titled his head upwards to look in her face. It was the same blonde nurse he usually saw. If memory served him, her name was Alexandria.

"Yes?" Ryou said questioningly. He shifted in his chair a little too roughly. It squeaked against the linoleum floors and it glided not too gracefully across the floor.

"Mr. Jounouchi has just finished his session for the day," She replied pleasantly. Ryou wondered how all of the nurses here could walk about with a smile on their face. The patients where unhappy. Most of them wanted to end their life before staying another minute in that place. Not like they where actually given the choice themselves, so he supposed it didn't matter how everyone felt here. Not to the doctors and 'drods' as Bakura so very well puts it. "Follow me."

He pushed himself up from the chair, still frowning. Alexandria was smiling like a housewife on a cheep sixties show. Secretly, Ryou wished her face would stick like that just so she'd have to live with the embracement of it.

The last thought made his brows furrow in thought. Loosing two of the people close to him to this place had turned him bitter. Maybe he would be next.

They stopped in front of one of the many doors. 206, that's what the silver numbers on the door had said. He blinked.

"Miss?" He questioned as she went to open the door.

"What is it?" She turned back to him looking at him with that fake smile of hers. He wanted to rip that smile off, wanted to yell at her for all she and everyone here had put her through. He decided against it.

"This is Bakura's room, I'm here to see Jounouchi Katsuya," He stated matter-of-factly.

"They're roommates," She said. Ryou swore he saw her teeth glisten for a second.

He muttered a slight 'oh', brushing past her. There was no need for her stay with him while he talked to a friend.

Jounouchi was on Bakura's side of the room, smiling fondly as he pulled the covers over the sleeping, and shivering, form of Bakura. Those calloused, abused fingers of his running over the side of his cheek before pulling away. Ryou wanted someone to look at him like that.

He turned to face Ryou, jumping. "Ryou!" He cried his breathing heavy from the shock, "You scared the hell out of me!"

"Terribly sorry," the silver haired boy muttered the small apology. He lowered his head to hide the blush on his cheeks. "I did not mean to startle you."

"Don't worry about it," Katsuya replied cheerfully. The grin Ryou knew all too well was on his face. It was fake, and he knew it. Not the fake the smiles the nurses and doctors carried. Jou's was pleasant.

It was a grin in which was meant to make people happy. The sight of it made Ryou want to cry.

Coffee orbs fixed themselves on the floor. He didn't want to look at that grin. He didn't want to see the benevolence of it. "You don't have to pretend to be happy around me, Jou," He spoke almost sadly.

Ryou felt a comforting hand place itself on his shoulder. He looked up into the soft honey-kissed eyes of Jounouchi. He was still smiling, but a true smile now. (1)

"Come on, sit down," Jou said, his hand now in the small of Ryou's back, guiding him to the bed. "You'll have to wait for Bakura to wake up, though I suspect it won't be too long now. He's been asleep all afternoon."

"I'm not here to see Bakura," The silver haired boy stated simply. Jou blinked his amber orbs, a finger pointing at his own chest as if to say 'me?'. A chuckle escaped Ryou's lips. "Yes, of course you, silly."

"Has it been awful for you here?" He asked. The smile on the blonde's lips faded, dissolving into a frown. "I'm sorry I didn't mean t-" He stopped when he felt a calloused finger press up against his lips. Mentally he found it funny how placing a finger on one's lips always stopped them mid-sentence.

"Don't worry, it's fine," Again Jou smiled, removing his lips from the silver haired boy's lips. "I've been better and I've been worse. I guess that say I've been alright here. I'd prefer not to be, but I have Bakura, and I enjoy his company."

"Everyone's worried about you, you know?" Ryou said with a small sigh.

The blonde looked at him incredulously. "If they're worried they can come see me themselves," Katsuya scrunched his nose as he said that. His 'friends' where worried about him. The thought of it was comforting. Deep down he couldn't help but feel that they didn't care enough to take time out of their days to see him, further proving his inquisitions on how his friends really didn't give a damn.

However Ryou was there. He was sitting before him. He looked worried. He cared and Jounouchi was thankful for it.

"They don't want to see you like this, Jou," Ryou stated defensively. He was always the sweet one. The one that would believe in what everyone did or said no matter what. Yugi was the same, but Yugi wasn't there. He couldn't be quite as sweet as everyone thought then, could he?

"So they send you to see me instead?" Jou snapped, his amber eyes glowing with the same fierce fire that he had when he fought Kaiba. Ryou couldn't look into those eyes. "And what exactly do you mean 'like this'? Am I that repulsive? I'll have you know I haven't felt better for quite a while."

Silence. That was all that Ryou could luster up as a comeback. He couldn't defend himself or his friends. Jounouchi was one of them; he was hurt that they wouldn't see him. And he had ever right to say everything he just had.

Still Ryou could not help the stabbing pain at his heart. Perhaps he belonged in such a place along with them. He wasn't happy with his life. At times he even wanted to die.

Now, now he felt as if everything he touched withered away. First Bakura, now Jounouchi and the others are slowly breaking down along with them.

Frail hands went up to cradle Ryou's face. He cried in his own hands. He cried because he couldn't take any more of this.

"Ryou?" Jou asked softly. He swallowed a lump that somehow seemed to developed deep in his throat suddenly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," he said softly. He let his arms wrap around the crying boy, hugging him tightly. "I'm just not in a good mood today, okay?"

There was no reply, but it wasn't a bad thing. Instead of speaking Ryou removed his arms from his face, tangling them around the blonde before him in an attempt to return the hug.

They sat there for an hour though Ryou had only cried for a few short minutes. He cradled himself in the gentle arms of Jounouchi, falling into the soothing strokes on his back. He had needed that.

It had been a good six hours since Ryou had left, now nearing the deep parts of the night. Bakura looked upon the blonde on the other side of his room from his bed. He was quiet tonight.

The silence unnerved him, made the hairs on his body stand on end. There was a disconnected look on Jounouchi's face, and that bothered Bakura. He had, had it since his lighter half had left.

So he kept asking himself what exactly Ryou had done. Hell, he had to have done something. Jounouchi had passed on dinner that night. If you knew Jou you knew that him skipping a meal was as abnormal as snow in 100-degree weather.

"Are you alright?" Bakura asked, furrowing his brows at the detached blonde.

Jou looked up at him only letting out a small 'hmm?'

"Are you alright?" The spirit repeated, the fact he was annoyed with having to do so clearly showing in his voice.

"I'm fine," The blonde replied, putting on a small fake smile to help convince Bakura that he wasn't lying. "I've just got a small headache, that's all."

"You're a bad liar, Katsuya," Bakura spat not bothering to hide the fact that he was getting angry. He didn't understand why Katsuya even bothered lying to him at all. Most of the time, he let it slide even though it did anger him.

Honey eyes closed thoughtfully as a small sigh escaped Jou's lips. "I'm worried about Ryou, that's all. He cried a lot today," He spoke in half-whispers, not sure if he wanted Bakura to hear. Of course Bakura's hearing was impeccable, so he heard ever word.

The spirit vacated the bed, walking the familiar small steps over to the others. Eight steps. That's how long it took to get from his bed to Jounouchi's.

He plopped himself down beside the blonde, the bed making a small 'squeak' upon receiving the added weight. "Don't worry about Ryou, he'll be fine," Bakura stated causing the other to blink in bewilderment. He still wasn't used to Bakura acting kind sometimes. "You need to look after yourself anyways."

A small smile placed itself on Katsuya's lips. He looked at Bakura in amazement. He was really trying to cheer him up. In a way it was sweet. "What?" The spirit asked feeling uncomfortable beneath the heavy gaze. He didn't like being watched, not one bit but Jounouchi seemed to enjoy doing it.

"Turn around," Jou said softly. He could see Bakura wanted to question his request so he added, "you'll see soon enough." With a silver eyebrow raised, the silver haired spirit complied, turning so his back faced the blonde.

He could feel one of the many buckles of his straitjacket come undone. Heat rushed to his cheeks, his mind taking things father then it should've. "What are you doing?" Bakura snapped, fidgeting slightly.

"Relax, I'm just getting one of your arms out," Jou stated matter-of-factly.

"Why only one?" Bakura asked, giving Jou a mock glare over his shoulder.

"Because if I give you two, you'll probably strangle me in my sleep," The blonde teased causing Bakura to chuckle faintly. He would've protest, had in not been true. At least if the person beside him was someone else.

Chills ran up his spine as the second buckle came undone. He could feel the coarse hands pushing the rough fabric off one of his shoulders. "I'll have to put it back on in the morning, you know?" Jou whispered softly, taking the new released hand into his. His fingered weaved with the others, holding it securely.

"I know," Bakura replied in the same soft tone Jou had used.

The retreated into the same position they always did. This time their hands locked tight with Bakura's head snuggled against the clothed chest. He didn't even think about removing the rest of the jacket himself.

Day Twelve:

The soft sound of sobs broke Jounouchi away from his thoughts. The only person in the room aside from himself was Bakura, so that would mean he was either crying without knowing it or the spirit himself was crying. He placed his hand upon his own cheeks to reveal if it was dry.

"Bakura?" the blonde asked, pushing himself off his own bed and approaching that of the aforementioned silver haired man. He frowned slightly; he could've sworn Bakura had been asleep.

But there the spirit was, knees tucked up to his chest, hair over eyes, with his body shaking in harsh sobs. Inadvertently he extended its hand letting it fall upon the frail man's cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing lightly over it in the pattern of a circle in an effort to calm the other.

With the sharp breath Bakura stopped his crying, mostly out of shock then anything else. He turned his head to look Jou, expecting to see the normally smiling face but was greeted by a troubled version instead. He though for a moment thinking of something to say, do or anything really, but nothing came. "Did I wake you?" was the only thing he could think of.

"It's passed two Bakura, I've been awake for a while," Jou said simply. The hurt tone of voice he held did not go unnoticed by Bakura. He knew that he was the one that made the tone surface, and he relished in it.

There was a silent pause, in which Katsuya took the chance to try to comfort him in a way words could not. He lied beside him, his arms wrapped around his chest. He face pushed into the crook of his neck where he breathes caressed, nourished the skin there.

The muscles of Bakura's body tense. But it did not stop him from falling into the embrace. An embrace in which he found himself becoming addicted to. "I hate you," Bakura said harshly, yet breathlessly.

He meant it. He hated Jou. He hated the compassion being showed to him. He hated how it felt so comfortably sinful to be lying in those welcoming arms. But he hated himself for wanting something more then what he had. He hated everything given to him, but he craved so much more.

He was a greedy child, teased with a gift from God when he had not anything. There was nothing to suffice the greed once it surfaced.

"You've made me weak in ways that I have killed others for," he continued on, his breathing harsh, thick. He found himself drowning further into the embrace. It was a deathtrap, one in which he did not wish to escape.

"Are you always as nice to everyone as you are to me, as you where to Ryou?" Bakura asked Katsuya. His mind was on fire now with the rage of self-resentment. He was going to burn himself, but there was no turning back.

As he spoke he began to become angry. The words like poison needles full of deadly oleander, piercing and killing slowly. "Of course you are, you're perfect in ways that no one else could ever be. You're the like the Jesus those damned Christians speak of. One who forgives and welcomes all into his embrace."

"That's what you are, Katsuya." He was drunk on his anger; his own self hate and he was taking it out on another. For once that actually mattered to him, and it only fed the fire of anger, letting it become fiercer, more powerful with every stinging word.

"Your love and kindness is charity," Bakura slipped his eyes closed feeling the calloused but gentle hands of Katsuya rubbing his arms affectionately. He shuddered, "and it eats me away like a fatal toxin."

'I am selfish and sinful, I wash my hands in your kindness as I have washed my hands in blood, harvesting it for no other to touch' a tear rolled down his cheek. Those thoughts ashamed him but they where thoughts he could not help but think. He was breaking down, soon to be of no use to anyone. He had to reside in the kindness of the blonde, wash himself in it.

"Bakura," Jou said almost apologetically. He crawled over Bakura. He towered over him so there was no place he could look beside himself, his head rested upon the soft pillow of silver hair.

Those russet cavers of eyes where beautiful washed up in tears. Jou could feel Bakura tremble beneath him, his body shaking in the ever-constant sobs.

There where so many things that he wanted to say at the moment. 'You're beautiful even when you cry,' he thought to himself but dare not speak it aloud. Instead he just let his arms rest around him, hugging him tightly.

Then he placed a small kiss atop the other's forehead, and Bakura let his eyes fall closed as they did so. Jou couldn't help the incredible urge that came over him then.

One kiss on the forehead wasn't satisfying enough. He placed another kiss on the silver haired spirit's face, this time kissing the tears away. At this he earned a blush, one in which he could not see but was sure he was there.

The urge didn't leave him. He couldn't help it, he wanted kiss him more. There was a strange sort of burning inside of him. He didn't want to stop. Jou lifted his face away, pushing himself up with the ball of his hands.

Bakura opened his eyes again, blinking confused. He couldn't comprehend the look on the blonde's face right now. "Katsuya?" he whispered, feeling himself blush as Jou lowered his face.

One last kiss was given to Bakura. One that was soft and sweet, but only a second placed right on his lips. He wanted it to last longer. He wanted to kiss him again. To devour his mouth and body completely in the passion that he was feeling.

Reality had come back to Jou then. He had just kissed Bakura, when he had promised himself he wouldn't do it. He had promised himself he wouldn't ruin what he had with him. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he had just done what he swore to himself he wouldn't do. Bakura looked at him with a shocked expression, eyes wide and face red. Surly it wouldn't be long before he would hurt him, kick him off of him or reject him in an even more harsh way.

The only sensible thing he could do was getting out before it happened. "I'm sorry," he muttered his apology sadly, vacating the bed and all but running outside of the room. He couldn't face the rejection.

In the room Bakura sat up on his bed. His lips where tingling and had he had a free hand to touch them, he would've. A sudden feeling of utter loneliness had washed over him. Jou had kissed him, regretted it and left him alone.

He threw himself back on the pillows, and went back to sleep. They both slept alone that night, Bakura alone in the room, and Jou on one of the many couches in the hall.

Bakura wanted to hurt himself. He wanted to see the blood pour out of his veins and onto the sickeningly sterile sheets of his bed. It was a want, no, not a want, a need in which could not be granted.

This place smothered and killed. This place was such a place that something as simple as contentment of life did not exist. For what have the insane and sinners of the world done to merit such a treat? Nothing at all. So they suffer endlessly.

~*~*~

(1) That came out wrong. So all of you know, Ryou's supposed to have a strong admiration for Katsuya. It came out looking like Ryou has a crush, but no, he doesn't.

How many people want a lemon for this? For those of you who do, I'll make you a deal. If I get up to eighty reviews by the time this story is finished, I will post an extra side chapter from Bakura's point of view with the link to the lemon. Sound good?

I think in the second scene I got a little too insightful, ne? Tell me what you think.