Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction / InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Betrayed by a Memory ❯ SUFFERING OF THE HEART ( Chapter 1 )

.:Betrayed by a Memory:.

Written by: FoxyNymph

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even my own damn car! How pathetic is that? GRRRR….

WARNING: If you don't like bloody or gory fics, then don't read this. An attempted suicide first chapter, so don't read if you can't handle it!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~

chapter one: Suffering of the Heart

~~*~~

Standing alone and forsaken, I questioned the very nature of my existence. Why did people live, if they only got hurt by doing it? Why is it so hard to survive in this cruel world? What's the point of living...if no one cares?

I was so tired of living. Of having to wake up every morning and knowing that he awoke every morning in her cold and dead embrace. I was so tired of living in her shadow. I can't stand it anymore! I have to do something or the madness of it all will consume me. Or the jealousy will, one or the other.

It has only been a few days since he cast me out of his life, but it feels as if it has been an eternity. Only a few days, too soon for my wounds to have healed. But I don't feel their pain anymore, not really. How could I feel such simple pain as a few bruises and broken bones, when my whole heart and soul have been torn to pieces?

Every second of everyday, I keep thinking that he will come any second right through that well to come and bring me home, just like he used to. But somewhere deep within myself, I knew that he would never come for me, never again. Why would he want a substitute, when he could have the real thing?

He was too busy with her. Smooching away like little high school boys and girls. The sight of it made me want to hurl. That or maybe collapse to my knees and weep away my broken heart that he had shattered. Choices...oh, so many choices.

So now, here I am...home and yet not home. I'm lost, even in my own environment. So hopelessly lost...lost without him. Sine when had I come to rely on him so much?

Letting lose a deep sigh, I realized that seen the very first time I meet him, I've needed him. Without him there to guide me and protect me, I would be so dead by now. I've come to rely on him to protect me from all of the demons that attack me. Both physically and emotionally.

But there's one demon he can't save me against...himself. Nor, can he save the demons that are destroying my heart and soul and rendering me lifeless. He can't save me from the pain he's inflicted to my heart and soul, no one can. And neither could he save me from myself.

"What do I do now? How do I stop the pain?" I asked to no one, and receive no answer from anyone.

I had to stop the pain, I just wanted it to end. It was far to painful for me to bear. I've never been a strong person before. I always just relied on InuYasha to help me. He was the one who took all the blows, not me.

But it seems that I'm the one taking all the blows to the heart. Funny, isn't it? Ironic, how he had such a hard life full of pain and now he's happy as a lark with Kikyou, while I'm stuck here in my despair and growing desolation.

It's been days since I left that place, days since I've seen him. And still he hasn't come to get me. Back then, when I still had hope for us, I always used to fear that one day he just wouldn't come to get me, that he would leave me here in my time without even a good-bye. But now, my fears have all been answered. My fears were true...he hasn't come yet. Maybe never.

"Kagome!" My mom's voice called up to me from downstairs. "Supper's ready!"

Supper? With a humorless laugh, I realized that I wasn't hungry. How could I eat at a time like this? I was in too much pain and too lost in my despair to even care. Silly mother, food won't save me...I thought with a dark chuckle that in no way shape or form belonged to me. It was the laugh of a madman. The laugh of someone who has lost their way and forsaken everything that stood in their way.

"Kagome?!" My mother's voice sounded only to deaf ears, for I heard not a word of it; I was far to lost.

It was when I began to hear my mothers hurried footsteps rushing up the stairs that I began to move. Carelessly getting off my perfect bed, I carelessly made my way to my personal bathroom that was connected to my room. Reaching for the door, I felt very strange, as if I was watching through someone else's eyes as I opened the door and then closed it, locking behind me.

My face was deadly calm as I slowly walked over to the show cabinet. I could hear my mother, she was at the door to my room, knocking and saying my name. Then I heeded her no more. Opening the cabinet and staring at the contents in it, I emotionlessly reached for the razor blade I kept in there.

I knew how to stop the pain now. And I wouldn't give it a second thought as long as it did the trick. Just thinking about how the pain would finally end, I couldn't be any happier. InuYasha chose Kikyou over me, he chose dead with her over life with me. He chose death over life. And so now, I also chose death over life.

Thinking now only of death, I put to blade to my wrist. A relived gasp escaped my lips as I felt the first bit of the blade. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt at all, not that much anyway. Not as much as InuYasha hurt me. This was some sort of relief from the pain his betrayal gave me.

Raising my injured wrist so that I could see the wound, I was immediately fascinated by the blood that began to seep out around the blade. The patterns that were made as my blood crawled down arm intrigued me. To my eyes that have seen only shades of dreary gray for so long, a flare of red was truly a miracle.

Suddenly, the sound of my mother beating and pounding on my bathroom door drifted to my ears that were no longer deaf. Her frantic screams and yells didn't register in my mind. I couldn't understand what she was yelling at me or why she was even pounding at my door, the pain was to mind boggling.

A small frown wilted on my crestfallen lips when I felt the pain begin to fade. NO...the pain of my wrist was leaving me, but the pain of my heart was only growing stronger. Desperate to defeat the pain in my heart, I quickly ripped the razor out of my wrist, relishing in the brief moment of rekindled pain, and then gripped the blade firmly, then roughly tore into the soft under skin of my healthy wrist with all of my strength.

The pain was immediate and overwhelming. My wrist screamed out in protest at being treated so harshly. But in my depressed mind, it was all worth it. It made me forget all about InuYasha and her. It made me only concentrate on the pain that was rapidly speeding throughout my whole body.

It felt so damn good, that I didn't want to stop. Obsessed with the pain and the temporary haven it gave me, I dug in deeper. I made the bite of the blade sink deeper into my bloodstained wrist.

Finally, all the pain began to fade as the darkness began to grow. Both the darkness in my heart as well as in my mind. Darkness was consuming every bit of me. As I began to fall to my knees, my vision bean to darken mercilessly.

Before I gave completely into the darkness, the last thing I saw was my mother break the door off its hinges and stumble into the room. With this last glance at life, I finally fell into my own puddle of blood.

Finally, the pain's all gone...then darkness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~

.:Dream Sequence:.

A simple smile could be seen on the girl's radiant face. It almost seemed as if her simple smile bloomed all of the flowers around her and painted the sky with bright and beautiful colors. And all of this with a simple, radiant smile.

The girl whose smiles painted the skies, was merrily humming a tune of such pure bliss that the songbirds took the song to heart and sang along with her. This song was such a relief to anyone who listened to it, for their hearts had only memories of harsh times and bitter lives.

The girl stopped in the midst if her joyous dance, staring in wonder at the tiny field of night lilies just outside of the village. She was stunned by their beauty that only she could see. Most people could not realize the beauty of the flowers because they only bloomed at night. And only fools went out at night.

But she could see the beauty, and much more inside the flowers as well. A small giggle escaped her heaven-kissed lips when she thought about the man she loved with all of her pure heart, and how he compared with this flower. As she saw it, both the flower and the man only bloomed to those who made the effort to see it.

But most people refused to see the beauty, and in doing so...almost destroyed that wondrous beauty. Because of the flaws of human nature, they had tried to crush the life out of that beautiful, innocent man. All just because he was only half of a man, or so they said. But in her eyes, he was more of a man then any of them by far.

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, the girl forced all thoughts of a certain hanyou who had stolen her heart out of her head. She had things to do. Very important things to do, like persuading the stubborn hanyou to let her return to her home beyond the well for a few days.

The hanyou was very fierce when it came to matters such as this. He strictly went by his word when he said that she could not go through the well. Or he tried to anyway. Only a few threatening words and he would cave in like a big baby. Maybe that was one of the reasons the girl with the radiant smile loved him.

The girl let loose a gentle chuckle when she thought about the hanyou. The chuckle was soft and tender, but it was also a tidbit tinged with sorrow. The girl's eyes glistened with unshed tears when she thought about said hanyou. The girl knew that she loved the hanyou and she also knew that he also had feelings for her as well. But the girl also knew that the hanyou had feelings for a certain miko.

The air around the gentle girl quickly changed and adapted to her mood. It seemed as if the wind itself began to cry and bellow out its sorrows. Where the sky was once clear and peaceful, clouds of darkened nature began to form.

The rain had not yet started, but the girl knew that it soon would. Not wanting to get stuck out in the storm, the girl began to run back towards the village, all the while with her mind still on a certain hanyou.

"Kagome!" The voice cried from a nearby hut, a voice that the girl easily recognized.

"I'm coming Sango!" The girl replied as she ran towards the hut that she knew held her friends.

The girl had barely made it in time, for the second she put her first step in the hut, the downfall of heavy rain began. With a surprised cry, the girl quickly dove into the hut, not caring at all where she landed.

It might have not been the most graceful thing she could have done, but she was out of the rain now. Suppressing an unexpected laugh, the girl named Kagome took in her surrounds with a quick glance around herself.

She was expecting to find the hanyou sitting in the corner of the hut glaring at her, and the demon huntress Sango, to be either of slapped the lecherous monk away, or still in the process. And the said monk still seemed to be conscious for a change.

All of these things that she expected where exactly correct. But what she wasn't expecting was the undead miko that happened to be sitting in a certain hanyou's lap. And to her utter horror, the pair was in the middle of a lip lock. And neither of them had yet to notice her.

Tears instantly began to swell in her eyes at the betrayal of it all. Somewhere deep within her heart, she always knew that she was no comparison of Kikyou, that she would always just be a replacement. But she never thought that the rejection would hurt so bad, or sting so much.

Feeling more lost then she could remember feeling in her entire life, the girl forgot how to breath. She forgot how to talk, how to cry, or even how to live. The pain was just to much. But little to her knowledge, the pain was only just beginning.

"Kagome-sama, are you all right?" The girl turned heartbroken eyes to the monk.

'Am I all right? Do you honestly think I'm all right?!? How can anything be all right? He chose her, not me...nothing will ever be all right,' the girl thought bitterly, but said instead. "Hai, I'm fine Miroku, thanks for asking."

Turning deadpanned eyes back to the pair in the corner, the pair that had shattered her heart and soul, Kagome met their emotionless gazes with one of her own. Trying hard not to look into their mocking faces, Kagome asked the question that she was originally going to ask.

"InuYasha, I need to return to my home for a few days to take a few tests. I promise to be back in a few days." She waited for the usually fight that always took place after saying this. But to her shock, nothing came.

Darting shocked eyes up into the cold, golden eyes of the man she loved, but did not love her, Kagome was torn in two by the look in his eyes, and the snarl on his face. The cruelty in his eyes and expressions almost made the girl shiver in fright. Almost.

"Well, Kikyou what do you think. Do we need this nuisance around?" The cruelty in his voice and of the words tore the girl's heart even more.

The undead miko looked over at the girl, her reincarnation, and smiled at her. It was not a kind smile, not at all. It was a cruel smiled that mocked the girl in every aspect. It was a smile that screamed, "I won, he's mine, not yours!" The undead miko smiled at the girl as she gave her answer to "her" man.

"Hum...no, I don't think we need this little pest around. She is after all, just a reincarnation of me. Why bother with her, when you have the real thing here?" The undead miko finished her little speech with a cruel chuckle and made a point of wrapping her cold, dead arms around the hanyou.

Kagome didn't know how the hanyou could stand it, to be entrapped in the not quite rotting arms of the dead. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to vomit. How horrible, to awake every morning in those cold, lifeless arms! How could he stand it?

"Well, you heard her answer Kagome, we don't need you anymore. Thanks for all of your help, what little it was. And now, if you would leave us, we have...things to do. Oh, and don't forget to drop off the jewel." The hanyou dismissed her without even looking at her. He just gave the barest of waves.

The girl looked towards her other friends, looking at them for help. But they all avoided meeting her eyes. Even little Shippo was gone. Her mind raced at the thought. Shippo wasn't there in the safety of the hut? Something must have been wrong!

"Where's Shippo? He shouldn't be out in weather like this!" Her voice was calm, collective, while on the inside it was frantic and screaming with despair.

"Who cares Wench! Just get the Hell out of here! Shippo will come back when he wants to!" InuYasha's voice clearly said that if she didn't get out of his life in the next few moments, there would be hell to pay. And she would be the one to pay.

With little else left to do, the girl began to round up her things, or at least she was going to until the sharp claws bit into the skin of her wrists when the hanyou grabbed them. Looking into his eyes in confusion, Kagome felt the tiniest rays of hope.

'Maybe he still wants me?' She thought to herself in wonder, trying not to get her hopes up, knowing that they would only be crushed.

"Leave them...Kikyou says she quite likes your...her things. So just leave useless wench!" His voice was angry but his eyes were even more frightening. Kagome could see the red boiling in them, growing brighter and more malevolent with each passing moment.

Giving one last hope filled look at her friends...former friends, the girl's hope was only smothered by the looks they were giving her. She could tell that they didn't hate her. But they didn't like her enough to help defend her either. She didn't know what hurt worse.

Taking a deep breath, Kagome took a step towards the door, on her way out of their lives. She was almost to the door, refusing to look at any of the ones she once considered her second family, when something tackled her onto the floor of the hut.

Blinking her confused eyes rapidly, the girl tried to figure out what the hell had just happened to her. Using common sense, she rationalized that something, or someone, had just slammed into her back, driving her into the floor quite forcefully. And she knew without looking that that something was still on her back, crushing her body under its enormous strength and/or weight. Without looking, she knew that more that one bones were broken. And that she would have quite a few bruises come morning.

Trying to pick up her head and glance behind her, something grabbed a fist full of her silky, ebony hair and slammed her head into the floor. Not heard enough to break her skull or anything, but enough to send stars dancing around her head.

The searing pain that flared through her head stunned her. It was so painful, and what a headache! The angry snarl that she could feel vibrating through her whole body was the only warning she got as she was violently lifted off of her feet.

The world suddenly became a blaze in blurry shapes and amazing colors. Everything rammed into one another, mixing and blending together to create a completely new everything. If she wasn't in such a dark situation, she would laugh at the blurry shapes. But she knew that no good could come of this.

Suddenly, the girl was thrown again, this time into a wall. And none to gently either. This time when she landed, she could hear the cracking of her skull when her head banged into the wall. Dimly, she was aware that she most likely had a concussion. Hopefully for her sake, she hoped it wasn't life threatening or to damaging.

She tried to open her eyes, but the pain was too great in her head. It ached and stung like nothing she had ever felt before. She also felt slightly disoriented. Confusion clouded the pain as she tried one final time to open her eyes. She could not understand why InuYasha was attacking her. What did she ever do to him? What had brought on the attack?

When the world stopped spinning, she could finally make out the shape of InuYasha standing right in front of her. Or was he crouching? She couldn't tell, everything was still to dizzy and blurry.

Although her vision was screwed up, her hearing was not. She could hear perfectly well. And what she heard she did not like.

"What the hell do you think you were doing, Bitch! Did you think that you could actually steal the gem right out from under my nose?! How dare you think such a thing. I'll make you sorry you ever crossed this demon!" The girl tried to understand what the hell the demon was talking about, but her mind was a haze of pain and confusion.

"Inu, my love, should we not just take the jewel and let her run off? I wouldn't want such foul blood on your hands, my love. Just look at her, she will not last the night with the shape she is in. Let her be…she will die soon enough. Besides, this way her suffering will be longed induced. A much better ending, think you not?" The voice of Kikyou was cold and lifeless, just like the rest of her.

The girl named Kagome finally focused her vision enough that she could see straight. And what see saw only damaged her shattered heart that much more. Locked in an intimate embrace, the man she loved and the woman she now despised were forged a battle of tongues, one trying to dominate the other.

The sight of it brought new suffering unbidden to her already sore heart and soul, as well as her mind. Turning her head away from the disgusting seen, a new wave of pain flooded her senses. A groan escaped her tightly shut lips, disrupting the couple from their "tender" moment.

The hanyou glanced over at the young woman with empty eyes. When his gaze rested on her suffering form, the young woman unconsciously tried to scoot away. But her back was already to a wall, so she had no where to go. And she was getting there real fast.

The hanyou who had so viciously attacked and betrayed her, began to calmly stalk towards her. That was the only word for it. He moved like a predator, hunting its prey. But what unnerved her the most was the look, or lack there of, in his eyes. They were completely empty. Nothing showed in his eyes, not even his usual fire that always blazed in his molten orbs.

He stopped only a few feet in front of her, his slight and slim form seeming a lot bigger than it really was. It seemed that the very air around him rippled around him from his pure strength. To someone as weak and weary as she was, the sight of the hanyou looking so menacing was enough to stop her heart.

The girl watched with wide and fearing eyes as he bent forward and leaned down towards her. The pure power he emitted sending shivers down her spine, and not happy shivers.

In all of the years that Kagome had known him, InuYasha had never looked so dangerous or deadly. If looks could kill, she would be so dead by now. Swallowing her scream, Kagome met his cold, uncaring gaze with one of her own.

A predatory smirk appeared on the hanyou's face as he watched her pull herself back together. Slowly and deliberately, the hanyou reached out to her neck. For a moment, Kagome had no doubt in her entire being that he was reaching for her neck to break it. And to say that she was surprised when he did no such thing, would be an understatement.

Instead of snapping her neck, like she thought he was going to do, the hanyou only took hold of her necklace and ripped it from her tender neck. Kagome let out a relived sigh when she realized what the hanyou had meant to do all along.

Watching the hanyou with hooded eyes, Kagome smoothed over all of her expressions on her face so nothing showed of the inner turmoil she desperately fought at that very second. Her world was one of pain and betrayal, and lost hopes and dreams.

Glancing out of the corner of her eye, she saw her former friends all pale and look at her with concerned faces. But she also noticed that they weren't worried enough to come and help her, or save her from her pain and humiliation. No, they just stood by and watched as one they used to call a friend repeatedly get attached and abused. Not once did they even try to stop it.

No one could save her, not with InuYasha ruling their lives. The girl didn't feel hatred towards her former friends; she understood that this was their lives, not hers. She could have no say in their lives. All she felt for them was a deep sorrow for what their lives would soon entrail. She knew that their life couldn't be much if they stayed loyal to InuYasha.

Directing her attention back towards the source of her agony, Kagome watched with cautious eyes as the hanyou returned to his lover. Taking that as her signal to leave, Kagome decided that it was long past time to leave this place.

Standing up on her own two feet was a lot harder then she thought. The second that she tried to move to her feet, her head began to spin madly. Threatening to split in half with all of the chaos the pain caused her. Focusing all of her strength on just a simple thing such as standing, drained her dry. But she made it nonetheless.

Looking straight into the eyes of the demon who had caused such havoc in her heart, the girl refused to look away from the hatred she was in his eyes. As she looked into his eyes, she watched the satisfied smirk that appeared on his face. It seemed he was happy about the pain he had caused in her. Well, to hell with him!

She was so tired of waiting for him, for caring for him. She would probably always love him. But what good would her loved do for him if he didn't give a damn about her? She couldn't do it anymore!

Taking the first step out the door, and out of their lives, Kagome was surprised that it didn't hurt as much as she first thought it would. In fact, she felt nothing. She just felt numb inside, cold and empty.

Stepping out into the madness that had become her life, the young woman, not a girl anymore, took a deep breath and began to walk away from the hut. The rain had still to let up. Walking through it did nothing to improve her mood. But she could have cared less.

The walk through the village was oddly enough quiet and lonely. None of the villagers came out of their huts to greet her. Not a single one. But the girl didn't care anymore. In fact, she didn't care much about anything anymore.

The rain was horrible, almost pummeling her down into the ground with its force. But the girl just continued on, not giving the rain any attention. How could she care about something so benign, when her world was just turned black and blue?

After what seemed like an eternity of walking in the rain, she finally made it to the well, the well that lead to her home. Getting there was the easy part, now letting go of this life would be the hard part.

Knowing that this was most likely the last time that she would ever set foot in this place again, Kagome glanced around herself one last time, in order to appreciate all of the beauty this place had to offer.

Looking around, memories began to flood her shell shocked mind. Although, not all of the memories were good, a vast majority of them were. Like the first time she had met InuYasha. Or the time she save Shippo and helped him to avenge his fathers death. And then there was the time she met Miroku and then Sango. So many memories of that iron friendship.

Not so iron anymore. It hurt that they could abandon her so easily, but she did not feel any hate or ill feelings towards them. This was their life, not hers. She could have no say in their lives. Besides, she did not belong here, they did.

But still knowing all this, it still hurt the gentle hearted girl. Hurt that they had chosen to reject the friendship they had had for over three years. Hurt that she would most likely never see any of them again. But most of all, it hurt that he chose to die with Kikyou, rather than live with her. But it was his choice. What could she do? She was the one that didn't belong here.

"So what do I do now? Where do I go from here?" The girl whispered to herself in despair, not really expecting an answer. And not receiving one either.

Knowing that her only choice was to go down the well, Kagome gave one last look around, noticing that the rain had just began to let up. Gazing up into the sky, she also noticed a rainbow highlighting the heavens as well.

"What a way to go huh? Well, Alice...it's time to go down the rabbit hole..." And with this said, the girl jumped into the well, only to be absorbed by the blue light.

Landing on her own two feet, the girl called Kagome leaned heavily on the wall of the well. And when the bone shattering sigh escaped her lips, all hell broke loose. A sob of pure pain and torment sounded on her crest fallen lips. And soon the unbidden tears began to fall as well.

Finally letting herself fall to pieces, Kagome collapsed to her knees and then wrapped her shaking arms around her quivering body. Crying until her tears ran dry, she cried even more tears. Never moving from her tear soaked embrace, Kagome cried herself into a sleep that was full of nightmares and bitter dreams.

And this was how her family found the desolate child the next morning, sleeping on her knees, soaked to the bone with rain, tears, and mud. And this is how it all began.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

Hiya all, I hoped you all like this! I know, it's not exactly the best start to a story, but hey, it's my story! And sorry if there are any mistakes, I'm suck a horrible speller it's not even funny....well, yeah, maybe it is. But that's beside the point! Man, here I am rambling again! I'm such a loser...well, maybe not...ha, that works both ways!!! BOOYAH!!! Well, this is my first Inu fic, I hope it is somewhat decent. Damn, what the hell am I supposed to say in these things?

Well, I normally go for Inu/Kag fics, But damn...Yokou Kurama is suck a damn HOTTIE!!!! And I think that they look good together. Because face it, Inu is such an idiot, it'd probably take a miracle to get those two together! Unless Kagome made the first move...maybe if she was to seduce Inu.....hey, it has possibilities. Man, now I'm just a yappen over here. Well, I hope you all liked it, and if you didn't....well then....YOU CAN JUST GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........Ah.........Sorry 'bout that.....seems I've have too much Mt. Dew.

Hehehehehe.....well, plz review and tell me if ya liked my fic. And if you find any mistakes kindly (KINDLY) point them out to me. I really need to get Word on this damn comp.

So, I guess I'll stop writing now...can't think of anything to say anymore. Well, yeah I can, but nothing you'd probably want to hear. So, I'll let ya all go, I really hope you all enjoyed my fic. And please leave a review so I know whether to like ya or hate you....oops....damn, I said that out loud again didn't I. Oh, well...just pretend ya didn't hear that! Teeheehee!;)

That's supposed to look like something...damn....I'M NOT THAT KIND OF AN ARTIST!!!!! I can't draw worth shit!!!! GRRRRR.....oh yeah, me going now, you reviewing. So, yeah.....I'm single....damn, right...going now....hum....i like boys.....going! ;)

This is me signing out, CIAO!!!!

~*~FoxyNewt~*~