Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Balance ❯ Tormented Selfishness ( Chapter 16 )
Disclaimer: things are quite frustrating.
Balance
Chapter Sixteen: Tormented Selfishness
I DON'T! he screamed, throwing back his head. Crimson red cascaded down his back and his emerald green eyes squeezed tightly shut.
The one spot of light in a gray world…
I DON'T BELIEVE!
Color bled out from within him and touched the white and black…
I DON'T BELIEVE BECAUSE YOU-
He turned on the man in the mirror and pointed accusingly. The man in the mirror gazed on.
YOU HAVE NEVER ALLOWED ME TO BELIEVE!
The whites and blacks became luminescent as his light touched them.
But I don't NEED you anymore! he snapped, his eyes mere slits in his face. I have WON this battle, and I do not WANT you tying me down anymore!
'You have won nothing and you know it.'
The lingering grays melded into each other and one circle of shadow centered itself amidst the brilliance.
I HAVE won and I DO know it, he growled, his voice low and threatening, because I have stopped paying attention to YOU!
'You are weak.'
I am not!
The circle of never ending dark crawled slowly towards him. The man in the mirror smirked, and his eyes opened. Just a little.
Tendrils of tempting grey snaked their way towards him, touching his shoulders and finding their way around his chest.
His eyes closed once more.
No, he murmured. No. I will not let you. I have let go of you, and I do not need you to help me. I have people around me who still care. Someone is still by my side, helping me in ways far superior to you.
'Stop lying to yourself,' the man in the mirror drawled. 'It's pitiful.'
You are panicking, he said. You know I have stopped believing and you are trying to regain my trust. But you cannot. I don't believe.
'A pathetic excuse.'
It is not, he said. I don't believe in you, and I won't let you tie me down ANY MORE!
Tendrils of shadowed grey became glowing snares of glittering blood red and pure white, and the man in the mirror stepped forth in a final attempt.
'When you dispose of me, you will be all alone again! No one is here to comfort you! Your friends are long dead, and those you love know nothing about you!'
My friends are not dead, he replied, his voice an eerily calming echo. My friends are very much alive. The memories you feed me are flawed.
I WILL BE REBORN.
'You damned liar! You could not survive such tormented selfishness!'
YOU'LL SEE.
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"You're some actor."
Kurama preened silently, almost to himself. Hiei smirked.
"They're completely naïve, you know. Maybe you should clue them in. It could lead to some nasty complications down the road if you don't."
Kurama nodded absently, apparently lost in his own thoughts. Hiei threw up his hands before himself and huffed, glaring off to the side at his friend's inattentiveness. He didn't like being ignored.
Kurama had to be well aware of that fact; he seemed to keep himself fully "in the know" as to everything else about Hiei as a person. Not that the dark youkai minded too much, but…it was the principle of the thing. Kurama made it his business to learn things about Hiei that Hiei rarely, if ever, made known to anyone, even those who he called friends.
But… Red eyes skirting sideways, Hiei quickly took in his fill of the pretty redhead and turned back to glare at the scenery. He didn't really mind all that Kurama knew about him, did he? It made for a rather nice relationship; one with a sort of unspoken but mutually understood set of rules, and Hiei liked that. They even finished each other's sentences every once in awhile, and when they didn't do it verbally, they were usually doing it in their heads. Or, Hiei was, at least.
"Don't do this." "Stop that." "I've told you before not to say those things." Such comments weren't rare between the two of them, but somehow Kurama always knew just where to draw the line between what was teasing and what was flirting with real danger. And Hiei sort of liked the teasing, playful in its way as it was.
Whereas Yuusuke and Kuwabara, who he would trust with his life (most of the time…), had nice enough relationships with him that he never really considered killing either of them, but didn't have the sort of connection he felt with the kitsune. For instance, they were currently babbling on in the background of his thoughts with some nonsensical drone about girls or school or some such thing. Equally meaningless, whatever it was. Hiei seethed inwardly, blocking them out.
In a spontaneous burst of instinct, Kurama draped his arm over Hiei's shoulders in a quick hug, just as quickly releasing him and continuing on his way. Hiei looked over curiously, but Kurama seemed not to have even registered the somewhat out of place action, and Hiei let it slide.
Though it had been sort of…comforting…
Sort of.
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"Bored, bored, boring!" Yuusuke yowled from somewhere behind the pair of Makai natives. Kurama flinched, brought abruptly out of his reverie, and Hiei bit his lip, resisting the urge to shoot a powerful death glare back at the offender.
"What is boring, Yuusuke?" Kurama asked sweetly. Hiei snickered at the underlying impatience.
"This damn walk!" the Tantei replied, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Are we even close to being there yet?"
Hiei laughed, and Kurama smiled. Kuwabara looked back and forth between his friend and the two before him, wanting to ask much the same thing but wary of looking impatient or restless. Or annoying.
"Close. Comparatively."
Kuwabara sniffed, turning his head slightly. "That doesn't exactly sound promising…"
Kurama chuckled and they continued on their way. Hiei turned to look at his friend as they did, trying to puzzle him out-at least a little.
Kurama was such an enigma, it was hardly a wonder that Hiei wasn't coming up with anything right away. But he seemed so calm, even after the discussion of Kurokyoui and what the bastard had done to Kurama in the past… It wasn't normal, not at all. But how was Kurama putting on such convincing airs? And more importantly, why?
Unless he truly wasn't bothered by it…but that didn't make any sense…
Was there something else the kitsune was hiding from them?
But…why?
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"I will not take another step until you tell us how many more kilometers it is to this cave!" Yuusuke proclaimed suddenly.
Kurama laughed to himself at some private joke. Hiei raised an eyebrow.
"We're here, Yuusuke."
The Tantei lowered his raised hand, letting it fall limply to his side. It added to his slumped over posture in a most interesting way. Kurama chuckled again and Kuwabara took the opportunity to prod his friend teasingly.
"Nice one, Urameshi."
"Oh, you wanted to say the same thing, baka."
Kuwabara floundered for a moment, Hiei and Kurama looking on with small smiles.
"Yeah, well, I…wasn't the one who said it! You don't know what I was thinking!"
"No, but I can guess!"
Kurama cleverly stepped in before an all-out brawl began, separating the two friends and forcefully guiding them towards a nearby cave's entrance.
"We can't waste any time," he said. Hiei quirked an eyebrow at the extremely subtle harshness in the statement. Something quite out of character for Kurama at such inane foolishness… A simple spat, and he was getting worked up over it?
Hiei frowned and shook his head. Kurama was worried. Or nervous…or hateful. Or even, dare he say it…
Afraid?
He shook his head again. No. Kurama wasn't afraid.
Kurama was never afraid.
Right?
…Right.
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"Kurokyoui!" Kurama shouted as they walked slowly down the long corridor from the entrance. "We know you're here! Come out now, or we will drag you out by force!"
Hiei stopped walking at that. Kurama never, never threatened…anyone! But threats were usually a method of intimidation, and Kurokyoui clearly had the upper hand in this situation…so…they were really…
Fear?
No! Hiei mentally slapped himself. Kurama didn't get afraid! Kurama didn't do fear! Kurama was solid as a mountain, Kurama supplied strength for him-for them all, really, when they were too afraid themselves, or when they felt too weak. Kurama always had a plan. Kurama never invested emotion in things that could cause him pain if he did. Kurama was…
Perfect?
"Kurokyoui!!"
Panicking?
"Come out! Now!"
Afraid…
They approached a large wooden door decorated with page after page of the same symbols repeated over and over. Eyes, hundreds and thousands of eyes, left eyes, right eyes, pairs of eyes, red eyes, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, golden eyes…and messages hidden underneath it all, one message that could be picked out if you looked closely enough.
Kami-sama no kouken.
Kami-sama no bouken.
Hyakunenme.
"We're all doomed…" Kurama murmured. Hiei was behind him in a flash.
"Is it a clue?" Yuusuke asked, scratching his head. Kuwabara puzzled over the wallpapering drawings and messages.
"It tells us nothing we don't already know," Kurama answered curtly, going to turn the doorknob and enter the room beyond. Hiei instantly grasped his hand, pulling it back.
Kurama started slightly, looking down at Hiei.
"What is the meaning of this?" Kurama asked coldly, gesturing down to their clasped hands with his free one. Hiei glared in response.
"Your head is too clouded to be of any use," he retorted. "You need to calm yourself before trying to attack whatever lies beyond this doorway."
Kurama replied with a glare of his own, more bitter and full of repressed hatred than Hiei had ever seen his friend. "Meditation," the kitsune bit out, "will accomplish nothing. I know what lies beyond this door. I need to confront it. I need to lay it to rest. This does not concern you."
"It does concern me, dammit!" Hiei snapped. "I-I… I don't even know why! It does concern me! You are my friend!"
Kurama stopped moving.
Standing stock-still in the hall, his hand barely a centimeter from the doorknob, the kitsune shook his head, turned, and walked back down the hall, around the nearest bend, disappearing from sight. Hiei, too, was frozen in place for a moment before snapping back to his senses and remembering that Yuusuke and Kuwabara were still present, as well as himself and…his friend.
Hiei started down the hall to follow Kurama, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned to see Yuusuke restraining him.
"Hey, leave him alone for a minute, eh, Hiei?" Yuusuke said softly. "He's got a lot on his mind."
Hiei scoffed, but turned back to the door and grasped the knob.
"Let's go."
"Last one in is a rotten egg!" Kuwabara chortled. Yuusuke laughed in response. Hiei glared at the pair of them.
"Where do you pick up such ridiculous things…?"
Kuwabara scratched the back of his head, still chuckling a bit. "I don't really remember…but I think it's American."
The youkai rolled his eyes. "It figures. Even you can't remember where you heard the stupid sayings that emerge from your mouth."
"Hey!"
"Let's go!"
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Youkai: demon
Kitsune: fox
Baka: idiot, stupid
Kami-sama no kouken: God is watching with detachment
Kami-sama no bouken: God is watching from afar
Hyakunenme: the hundredth year/doomed
Note that "Makai natives" is often used to describe Hiei and Kurama together, like the way that "youkai" would be used to describe Hiei and Yukina together. Why is that, the less informed reader might ask. Well, less informed reader, the reason is that it's too cumbersome to keep saying "Hiei and Kurama," but Kurama technically isn't a youkai. He's a kitsune, a mystical, mythological creature, whereas Hiei is a youkai, a creature of hell. So "Makai natives" covers them both, and it's true. They're both from Makai.
Rather meaningless other note: the passage "Kurama was solid as a mountain…" et cetera, is an indirect referral to Keaira's piece, "Because I'm Kurama." Or an even less direct reference to my piece, "Ask Nothing." Pick your preference. Keaira's piece is better. I would pick hers. But that's just me.
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