Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Bindings (My Kitsune 5) ❯ Bindings ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Bindings 8 (NYC 11-23-02)
by : Baby Nyx

Description : Spoilers for some, Hiei POV then Kurama POV

I call you now for pity's sake
From parched eyes of deepest blood red...
So much is lost from me
I can become no thinner...

Love driven to the furthest limits of madness
Embrace me claws bared until I'm ripped and torn
Steal from me my desire to scream your name aloud
I seek healing solace for my body's solitude
Embrace me, smother me, so my head swims...


-Shinku no Kizuato (Crimson Scar)
fr. Bronze Zetsuai


I was awake before I opened my eyes, all senses on full alert analyzing my situation. It was my Jagan that warned me of Kurama's presence.

The Youko's scent is very close now, I felt his lips on my cheek before he patted my shoulder. It was to alert me before he covered my Jagan and tied my ward snugly like I would have done.

"Hiei, you have a fever and your all hot and toasty bundled up like that. You need to cool down a little." He whispered as he pulled the comforter off me and that cool towel was back on my forhead. I shuddered, I know I don't have to feign sleep but I didn't want to wake up, I don't know what to say to this Kurama who's memories had just been modified.

Gods, who knows how many times this has happened before?

But I couldn't stand this ache eating me up inside either, I couldn't stand the cold. I turned around, put my arms around him, hid my face amonst his tressess and held him like I was drowning. He was surprised by my action but didn't hesitate to wrap me in his arms.

I need time to think, I need time to... what am I going to say to him?

The Silent One doesn't hate me, I know he doesn't. My instincts had never been wrong before, but... he's trying his best to hate me. I know that coldness in his eyes, I know that wall of ice he had surrounded himself with, I was like that.

He... he must be very lonely.

He's trying to protect me from himself, he... they must have decided on this, they want to be happy and for that they sacrificed a facet of the whole....

It's that bad? But then why is the Youko trying to tell me about it? Why did he want to remember?

Damn you Kurama, damn you for not trusting me!

"Thank you." I whispered instead, while I hid my face against his neck. He lifted me off the bed and made me straddle his thighs, I pressed my face against his broad chest still hiding the turmoil in my mind, my fists are full of silver white hair

"Hm? What did you say?"

"I said thank you." I muttered against his skin.

"For what?" he asked amused, I bit my lower lip.

I touched my Hiroseki and the silver white cord they are attached to. "Everything." He pressed me closer against his chest and I felt his smile against my shoulder then he nuzzled my neck.

"Then I have to thank you too, for everything."

The pain in my chest is killing me by increments, I kept my eyes away from him because I knew the hurt will show itself there. I concentrated instead on the trail of kisses he was making from my nape to my shoulder. His arms holding me, wanting me.

I need this, gods I need him! I want to pull him to me and be one with him and at the same time I want to push him away and run from this madness.

But the fact that I am here, in his arms, cared for and cherished, wanted and needed, beloved...

Beloved...

Hn... could it be? The Silent One exist to protect his human heart? Was he just being overzealous about this task because he had lost his purpose once they were out of those caves?

That nightmare, I remember that image of himself he had to fight in his weakened state... could he have killed images of me? If so, how many times had he murdered me in those caves? Did... did he meet his father in there? Shimatta! Was that his father? Was that why the Silent one came and forced him to forget?

I don't understand! Why? Dammit! I want to know what happened, I have to know what happened!

If those were just images, and he killed me in there, then how could that bastard make love to me when I was as immobile as a corpse?

Manipulated...? The Youko was asking me for help, asking me to remmember before his memories were taken from him again. I know for sure Yomi used him and that is the root of his deep grudge against that demon... But what was that thing about his father? Is that old fox still alive somewhere?

It seems important that he remmember what happened to him...

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes when he laid me down on the bed. I made my decition.

I forcefully cleared my thoughts, took a deep breath and asked softly "So what happened during your lunch?" I opened an eye to look at him while he was pressing butterfly kisses against my throat.

The Youko smiled brightly at me, not a shadow of what transpired was in his eyes. Pure, untainted by despair, even the cut on his lip was gone, and no bruises...

"Oh! Wait here." I froze when he suddently bent to lightly nip the mark he gave me, it was still tender and sore and what he did made me gasp in surprise.

He was off me quick as a blink, a swirl of down feathers followed in his wake, he flashed me that mischivious smile of his, as he made his way to the adjoining room and the coffee table where a vase of multihued flowers sat out of place in the predominantly crimson and white rose and poinsettia motif.

My core was thudding loudly in my chest as I held the mark he had nipped to tease me, I took a deep shuddering breath and wrapped my arms around myself.

It was... terrible to look at... he changed him, just like that..!

I stopped myself from shuddering again, I have to calm down, He put everything back to "normal", and now I have to go back to normal too. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists over them, I have to play along if I'm going to make my plan succeed.

My plan is simplicity itself. I can't be happy if a part of Kurama is in misery, I can't let him carry the cross by himself. So I will find out what happened, I will make his memories mine, I will force him to trust me in more than just words. Then I'll decide for myself if those memories are indeed harmful to our relationship.

I will stand by my given word, to Kurama I will give everything, I will do anything for him.

I took a deep calming breath and put my fists down, gods what have I gotten myself into? I feel like I'm standing on turbulent water, his sudden changes and outburst and... ch, he's going to drive me crazy.

K'so I love him so much it's killing me!

Hn, I did promise that to didn't I?

Bittersweet, like those dark chocolates he fed me... I threw everything away for that soft warmth sitting inside my chest right next to that excruciating pain it had created.

Oh yes, he's worth all this and more.

I felt a tired smile tug at a corner of my mouth, perhaps this is why Itsuki looked so resigned to his fate. His lover Sensui was broken too, hn, at least I only have 3 to look out for Sensui had seven.

I rolled over to my belly and watched him as he approached the bed, he's wearing nothing but that skimpy white thong. He brought back magazines and newspapers walking casually towards me, and that tired half smile I was wearing became a real smile.

He makes me happy, just looking at him makes me happy.

Long elegant legs that seem to go on forever, graceful arms, beautiful long neck, well defined chest and belly, silky fluffy tail swaying jauntily from side to side, a veil of silver white hair that floats in the wind of his passage and that monster between his legs...

He stopped midstride, a fascinated look came upon him as he stared at me and it melted into a tender expression I've rarely seen on the Youko, it made him smile as he approached with slower steps.

I love that smile and it's variations, the mischivious smile, the secretive one, even the fake one he wears when he's annoyed. I know that look on his face though, I've seen it often enough on Shuichi's face, I sighed.

That look alone is worth my life.

Hn, the wound I gave him is starting to scar too, that must have tortured him brushing against that thong...

"If you will tear your eyes off my little pet for a while? I have something to show you." I raised a brow and looked up at him, he has his arms crossed over his chest and a smug smirk.

Ch, what a troublesome bastard ne? But I can do this, I can keep him, I can make him happy, perhaps... perhaps I can even heal him.

If I can open myself completely to him, if I can open his mind to me, I can take those memories from him and make him truly forget. I know I can do that, but I need the Silent One's cooperation for that to succeed, I will give him another reason to exist, I can do this!

That's why I need to play along, if I can get him to cooperate I can finally understand what's going on in his head. I- I can have him back within my soul...

That hope gave me the courage to shrug off my doubts and enjoy this moment with my chosen one.

"Hmm? What are you smiling at?" he asked with a raised brow.

I ignored his remark, sat up and leaned in to licked the mark I had given him. I kissed it gently, then hooked a finger under his thong string, pulled it taut and let it go with a snap.

"Itai!" he complained. Before I could once more kiss that mark he whapped my head with a rolled up newspaper to get my attention. "If he wakes up I will not be responsible for his actions."

I rubbed my head and glared up at him, he was deadpan serious with his fists on his hips.

"So?" I replied and laid back heavily against the pillows so that fluffs of feathers flew up and decended slowly around me as I ran my hand down to my hips while giving him a meaningful look.

His eyes went wide as he held his breath, he looked pleased but then he frowned "Don't look at me like that!" He cried "Not now, not yet at least." He grinned took my hand off my hip and kissed my palm "This bed needs to get cleaned first, those feathers will make me sneeze and believe me it's no fun having sex while your sneezing."

Before I could say something witty concerning his need to have sex despite illness he knelt on the bed and I sank towards his knee "Anyway!" he said brightly as he unfurled one of the newspapers and presented it to me blocking my view of him "I've been found out."

The front page had a blown-up picture of the Youko on the catwalk with fox ears, the big bold letters printed next to the picture says 'Japanese fox demon rules New York catwalks.' I sat bolt upright ignoring the ache around my backside and took the paper from him.

"Shimatta...!" I felt like the bed under me was suddently gone, how can he be so happy about this? Koenma will have our asses for this! Then the other headlines caught my eye.

"'Fattest man goes to war in Iraq? Possesed urinal in suburban gradeschool teaches children how to cuss?'" I read aloud and looked at the Youko who was laying out another magazine and newspaper on the bed. He's smiling like a kid who did something naughty, got famous, and was never caught.

I checked the other articles and found the same kind of stories, a very obese ginger cat with her litter of equally fat kittens was on one page, and what the hell is a UFO? The middle of the newspaper was dedicated to us, there's a picture of us on the veranda engaged in a kiss, and stories concerning youko's. I looked at a picture of myself holding a flute of champagne, there's a red circle around the ring on my hand "'Wedding Bells soon? Sorry ladies this man is the would be husband of Fox, question is, is he human or is he a monster disguised as a human too?'" I said reading the caption "Monster? This is..?"

He sat next to me to look over my shoulder at the newspaper I was reading "Geeh, what an exhibitionist ne? Should have told them to get a room." I smacked his shoulder with the back of my hand.

"This is...?" I asked with more emphasis and he chuckled.

"That beloved is the most accurate news so far." he said and his smile turned into a smug grin "Says there that they have an 'inside source' who told them about me and my nocturnal visits in other peoples apartments." he winked.

"Kurama!" I said shaking the paper at him for emphasis, I don't understand why he is so cheerful about this.

"Read it love, it's a tabloid that specializes in ludicrous stories, honestly, can a 900 lbs man go to war naked like that?"

I thought about it. Sure there are demons who weigh in at more than a ton and go around in g-strings or completely naked in the Makai, and yes you can trap a spirit into an inanimate object...

"Things like this don't happen in the Ningenkai." I said.

"Who knows." He said with a secretive smile. "But generally people think these stories are ridiculous or impossible."

I finally saw why this amused him. They got it right, but the paper carrying the news is one no one will believe. Hn, there, the color of the ears they put on him are reddish, I knew his disguise was flawless. Only Koenma and his people have devices that allow them to see the true nature of a spirit.

"Hmm, yes, the things they can do with pictures nowadays." He held up a magazine for me "Read this one, it's very flattering." he said. There were photos of him on the catwalk all over this fashion magazine and in one section I was included. The caption read 'The nordic god and his elfin consort.' The hell...? He's teasing me, that bastard.

There's another picture of us kissing surrounded by the people I met in that show, the caption under that read 'Proof that Love is completely blind.'

"I can't believe Star actually printed that photo," he said with disbelief "I think it's because you looked so sweet with your eyes closed and your head tilted up like that." I looked closer at the colored photo and the look of close-eyed bliss in Kurama's face made me smirk.

"So thats how you look like when you kiss me." I looked up at him.

"Hm? I guess." He smiled back at me "So that's how you look like when I kiss you." he replied imitating my tone before he gave me that same kiss seen by a handful in a charity gala and by thousands reading this magazine.

Hn, somehow that made the kiss so much sweeter.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat behind Hiei so I can reach the bowl of tepid herbal infusion I used to bring his fever down. I wrung the towel in it and began scrubbing his back again while he read the papers.

He's been acting strange lately...

I don't know, maybe it's because of his fever. He was anxious and skittish, and when I nipped him to get him to try and swat me he froze and just looked at me with... fear? Horror? I haven't seen that expression on Hiei's face before so I'm not sure what it was.

I left him to use the bathroom and when I came back he was under all the blankets curled into a tightball with his Jagan exposed. I felt my face go hot, was he watching me do my business in the bathroom? Mou... that's so embarassing! And it wasn't some strange kink because after I sealed his Jagan he threw his arms around me and wouldn't let go.

He must still be thinking I might leave him.

Last night was interesting because his hand was clench so tightly in my hair the only way to get his hand off was to cut my hair off. I had to bathe him, dry us, arrange the flowers he gave me and get us into bed with him cradled in one arm.

Heh I know, it was so sweet, but he dosen't need to know that, it will embarass him.

But he seems okay now, calmer, as if he's settled something in his mind, he's leaning against me completely, what little youki he has is surrounding me. He's not clinging to my hair while trying to push me away with his face anymore.

Damn, this is all my fault...

Well, at least Hiei isn't as hot as when I first found him after that luncheon. I swear, he was so hot if he was holding an egg it would have been hardboiled in under 10 minuites. It was unbelievable, the sheets felt like they've been passed under a hot iron and static crackled when I lifted the comforter off him.

But even with all that heat his skin was dry which in itself was bad, he was flushed red though, his lips crimson as well as his palms and soles.

It scared me, oh I knew what was wrong, I knew the smell of that illness from previous encounters, but the fact that it's Hiei and that I did that to him... dammit! It still makes me want to scream or something.

But he's okay now, seems his body remmebered that illness too because he's healing at a steady and rapid rate. So I was calm when I called room service for the things I needed, I got everything ready to support his healing, to fuel him somehow, and to ease his discomfort.

Which reminds me, I have to get rid of the plants on the dining table before we have this room cleaned. Most of the herbs I needed are from the Makai and I let them take over half the dining table. One of them is doing that swaying motion it uses to attract makai insects.

Trying to explain that to the cleaning ladies would be very awkward...

Hiei's still hotter than usual, he's still got that blush on his cheeks and his breath is hot, but he isn't achy and miserable anymore. In fact he's extremely amused by the newspapers and magazines I took from Gio. I was going to comment on the article he was reading on Star magazine when I sensed a human seeking me.

I listened carefully and heard the elevators stop at our level, the steps sounded like a boy, and he sounded like he's balancing something heavy.

"Guess what love?" I kissed Hiei's cheek "Lunch is here."

"It's way pass lunch time and nowhere near supper time." He drawled as he frowned at a picture of him with a red line over his head and the numbers "4'11?" Standing next to a ramp picture of me with the numbers "7'0?" over my head. I chuckled and held him closer to me.

"They exaggerate! Besides, height doesn't matter when your horizontal."

He looked at me from the corner of his eye with a badly suppressed smile and hit me with the newspaper "Baka, go get the door he's here."

"Yes dear," I kissed his shoulder "I feel like a battered wife..." I said with some drama while I walked towards the door.

"Hn, better you than me your majesty." he replied low enough so that I barely heard it but heard it anyway.

"I beg your pardon?" I asked as I picked up my pants along the way and got my wallet, I didn't bother putting it on because the boy was about to knock on the door.

"What?" he asked faking innocence

I shook my head "Hm! You've been hanging out with me for far too long, my bad habits are rubbing off on you."

"Really? Well at least you know where that came from." he muttered from behind the newspaper. Before I could say something he said with a louder voice "He's found our door, be a good wife and get it, and make sure he dosen't see your little herb garden."

I planted my fists on my hips "Excuse me? Whatever happened to that I'll call you husband thing?" I thought of the terrycloth bathrobe and imagined myself wearing it, just as the boy knocked on our door.

My "herb garden" is a bit behind the door so if he stays outside he won't see it. But I can see my naked lover from across the room because the bedroom doors are wide open. I'll just have to block the kid's line of sight then, I don't want anyone to see him like that. Hiei naked is for my eyes alone, that is my privilage.

He spared me a glance from behind the papers and I saw actual mischief in them when he asked "Would you rather I called you princess?"

I glared at him "Just try it Hiei, I dare you to call me princess."

Ah but this is excellent! He's feeling well enough to tease me, I had given him the right treatment.

The boy knocked again though sparing Hiei from further retaliation. And I was right, the boy is asian and looks about 16 years of age, he's probably a relative of the owner and is working to earn a few extra bucks. He has 2 big brown paper bags in his arms and I can smell the freshly cooked rice, and noodles.

"Mr. Fox?" He asked.

"Yes that would be me." I looked inside my wallet "How much do I owe you?"

"Wow, you really are a fox." he exclaimed.

"Pardon?" I looked at him and his eyes went wide with fear as he realized what he just said.

"Ah s-sorry," he smiled sheepishly "I saw your picture in a magazine and you know how some people look like horses or monkeys and stuff? Well, you do look like an oversized fox." He blushed "Um... that will be 42 dollars and 68 cents please."

Aww, poor kid. I bowed down a little and twitched my ears for him "You see any ears?" I asked, smiling up at him.

A relieved smile broke his anxiety "Course not, they just photoshopped those in."

"Really? Good I was a bit worried." He grinned and when I stood to my full height again he wasn't afraid anymore "Here," I took 60 out my wallet and handed it to him, he gave me the food and when he reached for his change purse I raised a hand "Keep the change."

He grinned brightly and bowed "Thanks for ordering and I hope you like it, if you need 'nethin else don't hesitate to call us k?"

"Sure." I nodded at him and closed the door. That's when I sensed the killing aura behind me, I turned around slowly and saw Hiei glaring death at me.

Okay now what?

I almost gulped as I started walking towards him; that look in his eyes, that's jealousy, was he jealous of that boy? No it's got to be something deeper than that... was he disturbed because he can see me in my underwear while that boy sees me in a bathrobe? Should I have made him see something more dressy than a bathrobe?

That's got to be it, plus he's still tempermental, and then I have to consider what he's been through this morning.

Bakabakabaka....

I stopped next to the bed and placed the bags on the night table and said "Alright, I won't do that again, I'm sorry, I didn't know it would make you angry."

He's got his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes glaring death up at me, lips pressed together, legs dangling off the side of the bed.

Inari he's so cute!

I wrapped my arms around him because I couldn't resist him! I also didn't want him to see how delighted I was by his show of jealousy "You still get jealous even if you know I'm yours?" I asked him softly while I tried to wipe the grin off my face "You have quite a dilemma there baby, you love showing me off but you don't like it when I take initiative."

He struggled, he tried to take my arms off him but I didn't let him go.

"Will you-!" He stopped and just pushed his head against my chest "Stupid!" He shouted at me. I held him loosely and realized how serious he was, and how confused.

I stood between his legs "I know love it's not about that." I stroked his back gently while I tried to explain what I think he's going through right now. "A few hours ago you did something you thought you'd never do... again. You parted your legs and allowed someone to take you, you knew you will be hurt, you knew you will get sick but you did it anyway. No one forced you, you weren't helpless, you willfully allowed someone to take you and hurt you.

"And I recieved your gift with all of me, I accepted you, took you, I gave us what we needed back then." I kissed the top of his head "Your all I need my jealous love, you are more than enough for me, hmm, baby I'm so addicted to you you'll never be rid of me." I murmured as I buried my nose over his head and hugged him tighter. "Didn't I promise to be selfish and keep you besides me?"

He took awhile before he whispered "I'm being stupid aren't I?"

"No, it's not stupid, but it is confusing and quite emotionally charged. Men in general do not know how it's like, you know, to give yourself like that? That's why women inspire awe and respect in me, their courage, their quiet strength..." I shrugged " Well, now you know how they feel like when they give themselves for the first time to the one they love. It's like emptying yourself, leaving nothing, and all that you were is suddently his, so losing him is losing yourself and that's out of the question."

Insecurity is the root of most jealousies, deep inside Hiei has always been insecure because he grew up without a stable base, a place he could fall back on where he can be himself and be accepted and loved.

And then theres those damned newspaper articles he's been reading, they did nothing but compare us. But that can't be helped ne? We look as different as day and night, and since he's going to find out anyway I thought it better if he saw the articles for himself. Add to that my not being there when his illness started, I wasn't the first thing he saw when he came to, and my insensitivity to his possesiveness.

It dosen't help that he knows I've had lots and lots of other partners either.

I sighed " I'm sorry I wasn't here for you Hiei, I should have just cancelled the meeting or something."

"N-no, it's alright, it was important." he looked up at me, his still hot hands passed over my chest.

"You're more important than anything."

"I'm not-!" he stopped his outburst and pushed his head against my chest again, his hands turned into fists on my chest.

"Tell me whats on your mind right now love. I can't... I can't see you." I asked.

"Tomorrow, will I be better tomorrow?" he asked softly.

"I gurantee it."

"Let's go to that island you mentioned and let's get that thing out of you. Please, I want you..." he sighed.

I was surprised but I did promise that didn't I? "Aa, we'll do that, first thing tomorrow. Gomen ne? That was a promise and we got sidetracked, bigtime." I felt relief from him.

"Hn."

"How are you right now? How do you feel?" I shifted him so he can lie back on the bed and I went in behind him very carefully to avoid shifting the feathers too much, I wanted to blow all of it away but that would have been a pain in the ass to clean up. My weight made Hiei sink into my arms, I started plucking down off his hair.

He sighed and his arms went around mine, his head rested on my shoulder, his hair tickled my chin, and his back pressed against my chest is still rigid with tension.

"I'm fine." he muttered.

Hn, he's not going to admit it if he's still hurting, that was a useless question. He's skin is only slightly flushed now and still warmer than usual, his eyes are watery and almost always half mast, his lips still crimson and hot.

He made my heart stop when I came back with the papers I took from the living room, the feverish glow, that shy smile, so vulnerable and... ahh I don't know! I fell madly in love all over again, I had violent and tender thoughts clashing in my mind, I wanted to rape him and make him cry, I wanted to cuddle and caress him, I wanted to tie him up so he can never get away. And here in my arms, I wanted to squeeze him tight and kiss every inch of his skin, I want to put my fingers into his mouth and feel that soft, hot wet cavern...

But there was hurt in his eyes and I think I understand it.

"Please Hiei? What are your thoughts right now?" I asked softly.

"What you said made sense, you are my first.Those demons forced me, I hold nothing for them but hate."

Exactly, in his heart I am the first one he loved and had recieved, I guess I had shown him Love's darker face because that smile of his was shadowed by pain that isn't physical.

"Kurama, who was your first?"

I almost winced "You sure you wanna know? It was a big mistake." I whispered in his ear nibbling it a little to ease the weight of our conversation.

"Mistake?" he twisted around a little to look at me from the corner of an eye.

"Yes and if you promise you won't get upset, I'll tell you about it. It's probably worth a laugh." I kissed his cheek, "It's in the past and it's a mistake okay?"

"Okay." he said suddently wary, but then he settled against me once more with a resigned sigh.

"I was young, I had a silly crush on my cousin, hm, he was older and I thought he was the coolest fox ever. But he didn't share my affection, he dropped me like a hot pork bun after he got what he wanted and for weeks afterwards I felt used and broken hearted. I was ashamed of myself for being duped so easily and decades later I beat his ass for assuming he could bed me again for the heck of it. He was so embarrased he never came back to the territories, because I was centuries younger and I defeated him so thoroughly he had to be nursed back from the brink of death, heh, guess I was holding a grudge ne?

"He tore me too, and I bled a lot, he gave me a twig of hunter's aid and left me to tend to myself, he was my first time, and I was so blinded by him I never even minded when he said he had to go because he was suppose to meet someone. Yes, he went to 'socialize' with the ladies while I huddled bleeding and feverish in a crude dirt den away from my mother so she wouldn't find out." I shook my head at the pang of guilt in my chest, I left Hiei when I knew he was going to get sick...

"That was stupid, funny and embarrassing, but back then I was so lovesick my mom had to drag me to the ningenkai to give me space away from him so I can get my head straightened out."

"Hn, your right, that was dumb."

"Yeah I know, at least yours is well worth the memories. I hope." I won the reluctant smile I've been aiming for.

"Ch."

I smiled turned his head and kissed his nose "You still feel insecure? How do you want me to prove myself to you once and for all?"

"Kurama." he said in a low warning tone.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I looked him straight in the eyes "I was thrilled when you got jealous back then, so I'm not really inclined to prove myself to you."

His face got darker as he blushed "Asshole."

I chuckled and squeezed him tighter. His mood change because his body stopped being so rigid, he relaxed completely in my arms "Your hungry, go eat." he ordered me in a kinder tone.

"Physical hunger is inconsequential, it's you I hunger after." but the thought of food betrayed me, my stomach grumbled so loud I thought for sure the people in the other side of the wall heard it.

"Hn, your stomach begs to differ."

"Traitor." I grumbled as I sat up "Will you eat with me?"

"I-I don't think I can eat."

"Let's try okay?" I sat up and opened one of the brown bags. I took out a couple of clear plastic boxes of Onigiri before I got the Beef Yakisoba out. I snapped apart the disposable chopsticks I found and presented Hiei with a mouthful of yummy smelling noddles.

His flushed cheeks became blotchy, he took the mouthful, chewed carefully, then swallowed it forcefully. I looked for the bottled green tea and presented it to him he took a sip and opened his mouth for another bite. I listened carefully to the sounds his stomach was making and it was all wrong.

So, he can't eat solids yet... ch.

I closed the polystyrene packaging and decided to keep the noodles in the fridge.

"Wait, I'm not done." Hiei said.

"Listen to your body, your about to throw up what little you had." I secured the noodles and went to the dining room and started making that tea again changing some of the antipyretic herbs into more antibiotic ones.

"Kurama." I heard my name from across the room, softly said, but charged with volumes of conversation.

That's Toxic Shock Syndrome Youko...

Correction, that was TSS.

Will he be alright?

Of course, he'll be completely healed by tomorrow.

You've treated worse, but your guilt is tied to closely to this.

Duh... but your right, I have to be objective, time enough for guilt later hm?

You can heal him, this is nothing, but he'll be pissed if you show him any trace of regret, guilt or pity.

I understand. Hm, guess that was my first and last huh?

Youko...

It's alright, I enjoy recieving him anyway, I will learn to be his wife!

Hm? So we'll be fighting over who gets to be his wife?

Stupid human. Shu... seriously, I won't take him again because I will hurt him, he said that he was always torn in the past and the way he's healing...

He heals too well? No way! An eternal virgin? That's not funny.

It's Koorime... aside from his sex, hair markings, scent, his body is Koorime.

Damn.... Youko...

You'll have to be husband Shu-chan, he does like to be taken.

... Are... are we switching tonight...?

Perhaps in the early morning hours so we can grab some sleep. I promised him were going to get rid of this eye and we have to leave first thing tomorrow.

Alright, I understand. Do your best then.

I took the tea to the bedroom and found Hiei looking listlessly at the dying rays of sunshine on his fingers, his eyes lost the intensity they had just moments ago. When I was close enough he said "If- if you want, you can take a woman-"

I pressed my fingers over his lips to stop him from finishing that stupid sentence. But he took my hand off and turned to look up at me "Kurama, I understand, it's in your nature to-"

"Be quiet!" I yelled at him, he looked up at me with wide eyes full of fear and uncertainty. I set the cup aside, sat down with my back to him and glared at him, I did not hide how his proposal angered me.

Inari! I closed my eyes and looked away not trusting myself to speak.

He shifted huddling in on himself, I kept quiet for a few more breaths carefully choosing my words.

"G-gomen." he whispered.

So it wasn't just insecurity, it was uncertainty and a sense of failure.

He thinks that by getting sick he is failing his duty as my lover.

He knows this will happen again should I try and take him and he knows I understand that fact, and knowing me he knew the decition I had taken. He understands my nature as a Youko, he's accepted that and was willing to give me that freedom despite that possesive need of his...

Gods, what it must have cost him to say that!

I swallowed hard and looked at the ceiling to try and stop the tears from falling.

Dammit Hiei!

"You did me wrong love, that hurt." I said bluntly. "I'll be the first to admit that I love sex as much as I love to eat but for you I can give it up completely." He pulled his knees up to his chin but kept quiet.

"To be top or bottom I don't give a damn, because I would like to think that our relationship isn't based on sex," I said anger tinting my voice "coz if it was I'd have never let you come with me."

He uncurled and very slowly wrapped his arms around my waist. "Forgive me." he whispered his cheek pressed against my back.

"C'mere, I'm not going to forgive you that easily." I ordered pulling him into my lap "Never say that again, do you understand? Never even think of proposing something like that to me again."

"I won't. That was stupid, I'm sorry." he muttered, I raised his chin so he couldn't hide his face from me and I saw his relief that I was actually angry at the thought of a substitute.

"You bastard." I kissed him roughly "I will have to punish you for that." I huffed "I am a chronic flirt but that dosen't mean anything okay? You gave me this remember?" I said touching the scar on my groin "With your kind this is as good as a wedding ring, we exchanged rings already." I said touching the scar on his neck, he looked really sorry when he looked down, I raised his chin again.

"Besides, who said I can't make you suck me off when I need you to hm?" he looked sheepish but didn't say anything, he just rested his head on my shoulder and put his arms loosely around my neck. He's so embarassed he couldn't face me...

"Hey, it's a great privilage to touch you like this, it's an honor to share your bed, to make love to you is pure fulfillment. You think it's your duty to satisfy me? Think again because that is an impossible goal." I grabbed a handful of hair and pulled so he was looking up at me and I smirked at him. "You'll never satisfy my appetite for you."

He gave me a sweet little frown before he kissed me. He wasn't testing me, but I felt like I passed one anyway. I actually turned down an offer like that, hn, I would have been the laughing stock of my entire clan.

Hmmm but I never will get enough of Hiei, never get enough of his delicious kisses, his gentle warmth, his blazing passion, his confused and innocent heart.

I willed my energy into Hiei, letting it pass between our lips to fill him, he gasped and opened his mouth to breath in my youki.

I caught his jaw and kept his mouth open by squeezing on his chin "Your punishment, I will share my energy with you so you will feed me my supper. And for the rest of the night you will do everything I say." He nodded consent so I let his cheeks go.

He left my lap and kneeling on the bed opened one of the boxes of Onigiri, he offered one to me wih one hand held under the riceball to catch any rice that may fall.

I used to go and have sex for a whole day and a night before I pass out from exhaustion, so everytime Hiei goes to rest satisfied I'm left hi and dry.

Perhaps that is the reason why I hunger for him all the time, I can only have little bites or a tantalizing sip and never the whole meal. Right now, I want nothing more than to touch him and watch him writhe as he finds completion, I want to lick him and suck him, I want to fill him again with my seed...

I smiled and bent to eat the offered meal because my husband's needs are more important to me.

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Sorry this part was late, I wasn't happy with it so I slept on it some and thought things over... neways thanks for the reviews, it encourages me to get my ass in gear and finish this monster XD. (Honest I didn't expect it to be this long.)

Enjoy c,")