Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Destiny of Loneliness ❯ Tell me, could this be sadness? ( Chapter 4 )

Destiny of loneliness.

Kal Kally

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and its characters don't belong to me.

Warning: Shounen ai. If you can't handle it, don't read.

Pairing: Kurama/Hiei

Summary: Being born a creature of loneliness didn't mean that Hiei couldn't feel love and affection. But when Fate stole Kurama away from him, he must choose between accepting his Fate and fighting against it.

Chapter 4: Tell me, could this be sadness?

It had been two years since the last time Hiei went to Ningenkai. It was strange even for him to not visit Yukina for so long, but every time he decided to come to Ningenkai, something held him back. If not for Mukuro and Koenma's order that he should go back and cooperate with his former comrades to complete a mission, he would have still been in Makai by now. But then, when peace had returned to the three worlds, what was so important that those two needed him to come back to Ningenkai, Hiei wondered as he headed to the Genkai's temple.

It was an unspoken rule for the four of them to gather there whenever things happened. He didn't mind it for it meant that he got to meet Yukina more often. Kuwabara didn't mind it too, probably for the same reason as his, Hiei thought with a little annoyance. And Kurama... Hiei stopped in mid air and fell, landing swiftly on a tree branch. What about Kurama...?

The question lingered in his mind for a long moment. After a while, Hiei decided to change his direction. It wouldn't hurt to pay Kurama a visit, would it?

Two years had passed, how Kurama was now, Hiei couldn?t help but wonder. Surely the fox must have returned home by now, right? Hiei felt a little hurt. He had always thought he would be the first one Kurama contacted once the Youko returned from wherever place he had stayed at.

Hiei stopped on the familiar tree which he used to sleep on every night about two years ago. For a moment that seemed like eternity, he could only stare at the window that used to be always opened, no matter how bad the weather was. Now, it was closed, no longer welcoming him.

Since that day, he had abandoned his habit of coming to the youko's house every night. His parole was over, so he had no need to come to the human world anymore. It was the first time in two years that he returned this house, and he knew the sight of that closed window hurt him much more than he wanted to admit.

The yard, the trees and the whole house stayed the same. They still looked like what he had seen the last time he had been here. Hiei moved to a branch closer to the window and peered into the room curiously. There was no change in the room either. Kurama's blanket was neatly folded on the top of his bed. On his desk were several books, and a notebook with an ink pen on its open pages. Kurama surely did return, Hiei thought.

He stared at the room for another second, then turned and headed to the Genkai's temple. Kurama would be there, he would meet the youko again after such a long time. Hiei didn't know whether he should be happy or not. For days, maybe months, he didn't really think much about the youko. He knew Kurama had been missing, but whenever the thought came to his mind, it didn't linger there for more than a second, as he was too busy with Mukuro's army and training himself. That was why he'd never asked Yusuke about Kurama when they'd crossed each other's road in Makai. And maybe, that was why Yusuke had never said anything.

Hiei stopped on a roof not very far from Kurama's house and looked back at the closed window. Kurama had rarely closed it before. The open window was a silent sign between them that no matter what happened, Hiei would always be welcomed there. Could it be that Kurama was angry with him, angry that Hiei had never once joined Yusuke and Kuwabara to find the fox, angry that Hiei hadn't return to Nigenkai sooner?

A look of lost appeared on Hiei's face for a brief moment. Now that Kurama had returned, what should he do now? In the next few minutes, he would meet Kurama, what should he do? Should he say "long time no see" and act as if nothing had ever happened, or should he put on the mask of happiness that Kurama had come back safely?

Well, only a way to find out. Hiei nodded to himself then continued his way to the Genkai's temple.

* * *

Genkai's Temple was also the same as it had been two years ago. When Hiei arrived, Yusuke and Kuwabara had already been there. He nodded as the other two greeted him somewhat strangely, and then sat down.

"Kurama still hasn't come." Hiei's words shattered the uncomfortable silence. It wasn't really a statement, but more like a question.

To Hiei's surprise, both Yusuke and Kuwabara looked like they had been slapped. Kuwabara stared at him in surprise. Yusuke stared at him in surprise too, but in those eyes, there were faint sparks of rage.

"You... you even forget about that." Yusuke said resentfully.

"About what?"

"About Kurama being missing. I can't believe that you actually forgot." Kuwabara said, his face still hold the expression of disbelief.

"I know he
was missing, idiot," Hiei retorted, "but I've just come to his house and his room is still--"

"Well, in case you suddenly care, we haven't found him yet, but we're still searching. There's no way we would abandon him like you." Yusuke spat out, but after a few seconds, his expression turned calm and sad. He said sourly. "Do you really hate him that much? To not care about his safety is one thing, but to ask Mukuro not to help us to search for him..."

Hiei didn't know what to say. It was true that he had asked Mukuro not to help Yusuke and Kuwabara, but he had never hated the fox. But then, how was he going to explain that?

"Yusuke, it's pointless to continue this conversation with Hiei. Hiei makes it clearly that he doesn't care." Kuwabara abruptly said. Hiei frowned. Something wasn't right. It was just so unusual. What the...?

"Everyone is here?" Botan appeared on the doorstep, her cheerful voice interrupted Hiei's thought. She acknowledged Yusuke and Kuwabara in that same cheerful tone, but when she turned and saw Hiei, her smile faltered a little bit. Hiei frowned again, but said nothing as Botan sat down and started to explain to them about the new mission.

Hiei found himself only listen to Botan with one ear. His mind kept drifting to something vague, too vague that it couldn?t form an actual thought.

Kuwabara and even Yusuke, they were acting strange. Yusuke lacked the cocky grin. And Kuwabara, he didn't even flinch when Hiei called him an idiot. That's it!

"What?" Botan asked. "What do you mean, Hiei-san?"

Hiei was startled; he looked up, feeling everyone's eyes on him. "What are you saying?"

"You said `That's it'," Botan explained.

He hadn't realized he had slipped his tongue. The impassive expression stayed the same, but Hiei felt odd. "Nothing, just about our mission, that's all." He said. Yusuke looked like he was about to say something, but as Kuwabara glared at him, he sighed and gestured Botan to continue. Another strange thing, Yusuke never listened to anyone, certainly not Kuwabara.

Botan kept talking. Sometimes, Yusuke and Kuwabara interrupted her and asked a question. After a while, they started to discuss about their plan. They didn't mention Hiei, and surely he didn't feel like asking them anything, so Hiei leaned back against the wall behind and let his thoughts wander.

All of them were acting strangely, or was it only him that was strange, Hiei thought as he watched the two other boys and the ferry girl. It hurt. He didn't know what hurt, but it did really hurt.

They had never acted like that, so why now? And why was he being bothered by this change?

* * *

The mission proved to be not very tough. It took them about nearly an hour to clear the region and get the rebels? leader. By the end, Hiei got a bruise and several scratches, but he didn't have to use his dragon. And even the bruise and scratches had been caused by Yusuke when he'd carelessly used his shot gun to hit multiple targets without noticing that Hiei had been among those youkai.

Hiei sighed, cleaning off the blood on his sword with a small piece of cloth as he hid among the leaves of a tree in the city. He had a feeling that this easy mission was an attempt of Koenma and Mukuro to bring Yusuke, Kuwabara and him back together. It had failed though. Yusuke and Kuwabara rarely said a word to him since the start of their mission. Not that he minded; he wanted them to let him alone anyway. But as stubborn as Hiei was, he still couldn't deny that the silence of the normally lousy boys was unnerving.

Looking up at the sky through branches and leaves, Hiei blinked. He was almost certain that he had just seen something. But no, it was just the shadows of rustling leaves. The strange emotion that had been building up since he returned to the human world had temporarily vanished when he fought. Now, it crawled back. Not intense, but it spread to every corner of his being and flooded his mind with its presence.

Didn't matter, Hiei shrugged and decided. Whatever that feeling was, it definitely wasn't pain. And if it wasn't pain, it was not something that Hiei had to care about. Tucking the sword back into its sheath, Hiei headed to Genkai?s temple again.

* * *

"Hiei-san, I..."

Hiei looked at his sister questioningly. Yukina was nervous and uncomfortable. It painted so clearly on her face that he could tell it even if he didn?t use the Jagan or being telepathic.

"I... would you..."

"Just say it, Yukina."

Yukina stared down at the teacup she was holding. She bit her lips slightly, and then looked up at Hiei. "I don't like this."

"What?" Hiei stared, confused. "If you're talking about Kuwabara, don't worry. I'll get rid of him for you."

"Oh no! Not him." Yukina quickly shook. "I mean that I don't like to see you sad like this."

The cup nearly slipped off Hiei's hand. "Nani? I am sad? What is it that you don't want to see me like?"

"Hiei-san... Why don't you join us to find Kurama-san?"

"..."

"Please."

"..."

"Please, Hiei-san."

Hiei couldn't say anything, only stared at his sister in disbelief. Not you too, he thought sourly. His sister was the last one he thought he would receive this question from. "Today, I went to Kurama's house." He put the cup he was holding down. "If he hasn't come back, so why is his room's condition so perfectly normal? Nothing has changed at all."

Yukina blinked at the abrupt change of subject, but as she heard the question, her face saddened. "Ah... that's because Shiori-san couldn't accept that her beloved son might be dead."

"He's not dead, but what does this have to do with anything?"

"She acts as if Kurama-san is still with her." Yukina explained. "I met her once. It's painful to see her like that."

"I don't understand." Hiei frowned.

"She keeps his belongings clean and neatly, serves his meal, talks to him even though he's not in the house. If it hadn't been for her husband, she would have been shattered completely two years ago."

Hiei was silent for a moment. "I still don't understand. Why acting like that when knowing Kurama is not there?"

"I guess it's because of hope. It's a part of human, I think." Yukina said. When seeing Hiei's face still stay blank, she sighed and continued. "Keiko-san explained to me once. It's like when everything is dark and gloomy, you think of the nice and bright sky. You wish for it, you believe in it. When a beloved one is lost, sometime you're afraid of changing anything, as you believe that if everything is still the same, someday that beloved one will definitely come back, or at least, you believe that the beloved one is always watching you from heaven."

"Stupid human things." Hiei snorted in disgust. "Things like that are only dreams. Why believe in a dream? Why bother to have a dream at all?"

"No, not stupid, Hiei-san." Yukina shook, her eyes became distant. "Hope gives human the courage to go on, and gives them the power that we youkai don't have. I've never thought about it before, but after meeting Shiori-san, I started to think about it. And I... I think I also have hope."

"Yukina, you're a youkai. You don't need it, whatever it is."

"But I have. I hope that someday I'll meet my brother, that my brother will forgive mother for abandoning him in the past."

His mouth suddenly went dry. Hiei couldn't turn away from Yukina's eyes. They were so bright, so bright that they sent shiver down his spine. "Yukina..." He trailed off.

"Do you think that someday I can hug him and tell him `I love you, brother'?" Yukina asked without breaking the eye contact.

Now it was suffocating too. Hiei didn't know how to answer, so he just said the truth. "I... I don't know."

Yukina sighed, but quickly brightened up. "Enough of this, Hiei. Would you join us?"

"Join us? Who are `us', and what is it about?"

"To find Kurama-san with us. Yusuke-san, Kuwabara-san won't say anything, but I know they miss you."

That feeling returned again. Since when did Yukina and the others become an `us', and since when did he become an outsider that needed to join them? Not that he cared, but...

"No." Hiei refused. "What's the point in searching for him anyway?" If you have already known he can come back on his own, he silently added.

Shock flashed in her eyes, but Yukina hid it away. "You don't have to act like that, Hiei-san. I know you're sad."

"I'm. Not. Sad." Hiei said, feeling anger start to build up.

"You are. I can feel it every time I talk with you."

"I told you I'm not sad."

"It's not wrong to admit that. You..."

Hiei sprang to his feet and looked down at his sister, his lips pressed into a thin line. His anger had flared to the point he could barely control himself. Hiei wanted nothing more than killing someone and destroying something. But even in the mist of anger, he was still aware that sitting in front of him was his sister. After few second, he took a deep breath. "Listen, Yukina, I have never been sad before. And I won't be now just because of a stupid fox missing."

With her eyes so misty and her lips slightly trembling, Yukina looked like she was about to cry. However, she didn't. Instead, she stood up too. "Hiei-san, don't inflict pain on yourself like that. Please open to me. I know, everyone knows what you're going through."

After spending the whole afternoon with Yusuke and Kuwabara, this was simply too much. Hiei snapped like a dry stick being bended under too much force. "What do you know? What does everyone know? How long have you known me, Yukina, three or four years? How much time were you actually with me? You don't know me at all. So STOP acting like you have the right to mess with my life!"

Hiei regretted it even as the last words of his little speech rolled off his tongue, but it was too late. What had been done couldn't be taken back. He could only stare helplessly as Yukina backed away several steps from him. Tears gathered in her eyes, and soon they escaped to roll over her cheeks and clinked to the floor.

Someone was calling Yukina's name from the main door, then the voice stopped. Hiei could hardly hear anything, his world only focused on the tear gems that were falling to the ground. He had hurt...

His instinct caught a sense of danger, and Hiei leapt back, just barely dodged Kuwabara's punch. "How dare you hurt her!" Kuwabara snarled. He wrapped his arms around Yukina's shoulders and tried to sooth her.

The scene broke his heart into. He stared at the couple in front of him, seeing clearly on Kuwabara's angry face and in Yukina's damp eyes that he wasn't needed here. The realization made him feel numb from the inside out, so he turned away and left.

* * *

Hiei wandered around in the night without knowing why. He wanted to go back to Makai, but somehow he couldn't force himself to do that. He kept having the feeling that he needed to do something, or something was pulling him towards it.

He blinked, in his aimlessly wander, his feet had carried him to Kurama's yard. He settled on a tree branch, glancing at the surroundings with wary eyes. It was nearly midnight now and the street outside was empty. It wasn't that he was scared. He had no reason to fear humans, but night and empty streets did remind him of something, of a memory that he wanted to bury away. Memory of that night had never been pleasant. But... Hiei closed his eyes and placed his sword on his lap. It wouldn't hurt to stay here just for one night, would it?

The silent night seemed to swallow all noises. All that Hiei could hear were faint rustles of a weak breeze moving through branches and leaves. The earlier feeling returned, slightly became more intense. Hiei frowned, trying to shrug off the uncomfortable emotion, but he couldn't. A sigh escaped his lips, almost unnoticed. What was wrong with him tonight?

His hand found the sword's hilt and clutched it tightly. This sword had always provided him a sense of security, a feeling of being in control. No matter what happened, as long as he had this sword and his dragon, he wouldn't have to be afraid of anything. But for some reason, the sword couldn't bring him the peacefulness he desired. A half-hearted smirk formed on his lips. Hiei wondered idly if he should chop down the tree or burn down the house, because he did feel really insecure right now.

He heard a noise from the room and turned back. The door of Kurama's room opened and a female human stepped in. It took him a moment to realize the woman to be Kurama's mother. He didn't remember her name though. Hiei curiously inched closer. What was she doing there in the middle of the night?

The woman stood at the door for a long time. Hiei started to feel bored, but when her lips moved, it caught his attention. Because of the glass, he couldn't hear much, so he focused on reading her lips instead.

"... Your brother has decided not to go to college. He wants to become a florist. Because you have always liked flowers, he said that. Your father is very angry with him. What about you, Shuuichi?" The woman bowed her head. She must have said something, but Hiei couldn't read her lips. After several minutes, she looked up with a sad smile. "I won't bother you anymore. Tomorrow you still have school... Goodnight, Shuuichi."

With that, she turned off the light and left the room.

Hiei returned to his earlier position against the tree. He couldn't help feeling pity for the woman. What was the point in dreaming what couldn' be reality? Humans were strange, and stupid. They fooled themselves with the illusion of hope. Whatever people said, Hiei knew that he had seen defeat in the woman's eyes. If she believed in Kurama, if she believed that Kurama would come back, she wouldn't do this. But she believed that Kurama was dead, so to spare herself from being hurt by her reality, she created this pathetic play.

"Yukina, you have been fooled. Hope is just an excuse of human to hide their selfishness and satisfy their sick sense of responsibilities or affection." Hiei murmured to himself.

Kurama's room was dark now. The moonlight swirled in through the glass of the closed window painted on the floor squares of sliver light shaped by darkness. Hiei could almost imagine Kurama lying on the bed, his face and body cloaked in shadow. The redhead's breath was slow as he rested in deep sleep, but for some unknown reason, Kurama would always feel Hiei's presence at the very moment that Hiei came into the yard.

Right, Kurama would wake up and leave his cover of shadow and step into the moonlight. Beautiful. The youko was gorgeous in the silver light, so delicate, yet so dangerous as a red rose with sharp thorns. He would step to the window and open it. His body was framed by moonlight, breathtakingly beautiful. "Hiei, why are you so late tonight? Come in." He smiled softly and called.

Hiei wasn't aware of the tiny smile on his lips. He stood up and started to move to the window. Even if he was aware, he wouldn't care. His body moved on his own to answer Kurama's call. A second after, his smile disappeared as if a whole bucket of cold water had just been poured on him.

The window was still closed.

Hiei sat down again, feeling faint shivers run through his body. What had just happened? He hugged his sword closer, suddenly so afraid that it would vanish too, that it would slip out of his grasp.

It did hurt. He couldn't deny it anymore. He did feel pain. No, not really pain. Pain was when he couldn't find his sister; pain was when Yusuke died. This feeling was different. Much less intense, but it was much more lingering, more haunting. That feeling was spreading to every corner of his mind. It had made him get angry and hurt the person he treasured most. It robbed him of his battle lust, and thus returned his world to being gray and empty.

Yukina's words returned to him, and for some brief moment when that feeling became too unbearable, he couldn't help wondering if her words were true.

Could what he felt now be sadness?

TBC