Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Episode Twenty-Five ( Chapter 25 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre: Season Two
Episode Twenty-Five:
Story: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (script), Part One
Msted by: Rose Thorne and Chrissy Sky

We’re not doing the entire script now. It’s been sectioned off.

- Ningenkai -

Yuusuke and Kuwabara led the way through yet another random forest. Yuusuke put his hands behind his head and turned to stroll leisurely backward to face their new friends. Lina and Zelgadis were right behind them, Xellos a little further back. Botan had shown up at Genkai’s temple that morning to send them on a regular mission and the three Slayers had decided to tag along.

“So, you guys do this sort of thing a lot?” Lina asked.

“Yeah,” Yuusuke answered, grinning, unconcerned about whatever Youkai they were about to face. “They get past the barrier, we kill them. Pretty simple.”

“Are you sure it’s alright for us to come along?” Zelgadis kept his eyes trained on the trees, a hand on the handle of his sword. Yuusuke noticed that Xellos, though he was trying not to, looked a little weary as well.

“Of course! You guys can take care of yourselves.”

Kuwabara suddenly cut it, “Yuusuke, look out for that--”

Yuusuke tripped over a stray bush, falling on his backside. “Fuck!” Around him, everyone began to laugh.

“You should know better than to walk backwards in a forest, Urameshi,” Kuwabara chuckled.

“Shut up.”

“How the mighty have fallen,” Lina put in, grinning from ear to ear.

“Shut up, guys!”

The smirk on Kuwabara’s face, then, turned into surprise as he shouted, “Urameshi!” in warning. He didn’t even get past the “Ura” before Yuusuke had jumped up from the ground, narrowly missing an attack. He turned to see what his friends could already, the appearance of their target. It was mostly humanoid except for its large mouth, like a frog’s. Apparently Yuusuke had just avoided getting swiped by the thing’s long tongue.

It didn’t wait for the Tantei to make a move, leaping back into the trees.

“We got a runner!” Yuusuke cried, giving chase.

“You say that as if we didn’t already know!” Zelgadis snapped, having already pulled out his sword. They ran all the way to a clearing, which the smug youkai stood in the middle of, waiting for them. They skidded to a halt, nearly running into each other.
“Kuwabara,” Yuusuke said as he took this scene in. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

The taller boy smirked. “That this shit-faced loser thinks he’s so clever just because he led us into a trap?”

Yuusuke grinned. “Yeah.”

“Attack!” the frog thing cried. From all sides, Youkai erupted from the trees; too many to even begin to count. The group spread out so they’d have more room to fight. Yuusuke went straight for the frog guy, which he took to be the leader. It was fast, and he had trouble getting any of his punches to make contact. Kuwabara ignited his spirit sword and took on three demons at once--they probably figured the orange-haired human was as dumb as he looked. Their mistake. Lina grinned madly when some advanced on her, feeling confident because she was a weak little girl. A few Fireballs showed them what was what. Zelgadis forwent attack spells and simply called, “Astral Vine!” which enhanced his blade. Xellos disappeared from the scene and reappeared above them on a tall tree limb to watch the show.

Zelgadis growled when he saw this. “You bastard! You could help!”

Xellos grinned. “Yes, I could, that’s very true.”

“Doesn’t mean that you will though, right?” asked a deep voice near Xellos’ elbow.

Pleasantly surprised, the Mazoku turned to smile at Hiei. “Right!”

Hiei snorted, not shocked at all, and jumped down to join the battle. When his feet touched the ground, his redheaded lover also came into the fray, rose whip in hand.

Yuusuke smiled widely when he saw the two fighting together. “Hey guys! You’re late!”

Kurama laughed softly. “You know how we love to make an entrance.”

The teen was taking his time on frog guy, wanting to draw out the fight. “You two and your entrances.”

“Stop playing with your opponent and kill him,” Hiei barked, being much more practical. He smirked at his lover. “Same goes for you, Imp.”

“You know I only do that for one-on-one fighting, Hiei,” Kurama shot back, ignoring the tease as he tugged on his whip, the vine smoothly decapitating a challenger’s head. Hiei just chuckled in response.

Deciding that the fire demon was probably right, though grudgingly, Yuusuke pointed his finger at frog guy. “Taste this! REI--”

However, the Youkai had other ideas. It launched its tongue out and it wrapped tightly around Yuusuke, capturing his arms and legs. On the ground, the youth was drawn closer to frog guy. Having finished off the other rogue demons, Yuusuke’s friends turned to watch this happen.

“Well,” Kurama commented mildly, “he *did* say ‘taste’ it.”

Hiei nodded. “He asked for that one.”

Quietly, Lina circled around frog guy until she was behind him. “FIREBALL!” It cried out as it erupted in flames and Yuusuke pulled himself free.

His friends exploded with laughter when they saw Yuusuke was covered nearly from head to toe with slimy spit. Xellos laughed so hard he fell out of the tree, and Zelgadis guffawed more when he heard a dull thump as the Mazoku hit the ground.

“Guys!” whined Yuusuke.

“We need to hose him off now,” Hiei chuckled.

“Better use soup,” Kurama added, holding a hand over his mouth as he giggled, “or it’ll never come off.”

“Aa.”

Pouting, Yuusuke stormed past them, squishing as he moved in the general direction of Genkai’s temple. He then promptly tripped over a very amused priest still lying on the ground.

- Reikai -
[finally, sitting from left to right; Kuwa, Koenma, Yuusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Zelgadis, Xellos, and Lina]

Yuusuke: Eww... I still feel it on me! [rubs his arms vigorously]
Hiei: [snickers] You asked for it.
Yuusuke: [sniffs] And I smell!
Kuwa: That's something we needed to know, Urameshi. Thanks for sharing.
Kurama: Just be happy it wasn't a tentacle.
Koenma: [mildly] Our lives are starting to sound like a bad hentai now... A bad hentai with a very thin plot.
Hiei: [grimly amused] You mean they haven't always?
Lina: Yuck. I can smell you all the way over here.
Kurama: We should've brought in some of those air fresheners.
Yuusuke: [sulks]
Hiei: Maybe I could cleanse him with fire?
Yuusuke: Yipe! [tries to hide behind Koenma]
Kurama: [giggles and pulls Hiei into his lap] We still have use for him, Dragon. Not yet.
Hiei: [smirks, gets comfortable] If you say so.
Kurama: [kisses the side of his neck] I wonder what we're reading today.
Koenma: [grumbles] He could've chose a better day...
Yuusuke: Like a day when I don't smell like rotten fish...
Koenma: Or not my birthday.
Yuusuke: Oh yeah... Well, I can give you your present *now*, if it'll make you feel better.
Koenma: [grumbles] I just don't want to MST. [sighs] I had tickets for us to see Star Wars today, too...
Yuusuke: [stares] Okay, this calls for the Obi-Wan impression. Ahem. NOOOOOOO---!
Hiei: Shut up, dork.
Kurama: [rolls his eyes] It's not that big of a deal.
Hiei: Especially considering that we saw it already.
Yuusuke: I know...
Hiei: I assume you don't want spoilers.
Yuusuke: Just one. Qui-Gon?
Kurama: Not in person, but he was talked about at the end. Apparently he found the secret to surviving after death.
Yuusuke: [sighs happily]
Hiei: Fanboy.
Zelgadis: What's Star Wars?
Yuusuke: [smirks deviously] Oh, you'll know soon enough.
Zelgadis: Irk.
Xellos: [grins] Did you get extra tickets for us?
Koenma: I bought tickets for everyone...
Xellos: Yay!
Kuwa: What time is the show? Will we get out of here in time?
Koenma: 3:00. It's noon now, so if we do this quickly, maybe. Keep your fingers crossed.
Lina: Let's get started, then!

>The Lord of the Rings:
>The Return of the King Script
>((Happy Birthday, son. -- Lord Enma))

Koenma: [stares in shock]
Yuusuke: [laughs out loud]
Kurama: Well. Isn't this a pleasant surprise?
Koenma: [grins] Thanks, Dad!

>[The movie opens with a close-up of a worm and we soon see Sméagol and his cousin Déagol in a rowingboat, on a beautiful and peaceful spot on the river Anduin. Suddenly Déagol catches a fish with his rod, the look on his face very excited.]

Hiei: Kinky.
Lina: [giggles] I've never seen anyone fish like *that* before...
Zelgadis: And she claims not to be a pervert.
Xellos: [giggles]
Lina: [ignores him]
Xellos: [whispers to Zelgadis] And by her silence we can only assume she's too embarrassed to admit it.
Zelgadis: [snickers, whispers back] She was probably thinking about Gourry.
Xellos: [same] And all the pervy things she wants to do to him.
Zelgadis: [same] I figure she's into S&M.
Xellos: [same] Bondage too.
Lina: [smacks Xellos across the room and swings at Zel]
Yuusuke: [snickers] Aww. They were flirting so nicely too...
Lina: [sends Zel flying across the room] Not talking about that, they don't!
Zelgadis: [lands on top of Xellos] We were NOT flirting!
Kurama: You're still at it, too.
Zelgadis and Xellos: [realize their position and scramble away from each other quickly]
Lina: [giggles] And that makes it worth it. [sits down]

>Déagol: "Sméagol! I've got one! I've got a fish, Sméag!"
>[Both are laughing and Sméagol watches happily as his cousin is fighting with the fishing rod.]

Yuusuke: Looks like I'm not the only voyeur in town.
Koenma: [giggles]
Hiei: At least he's admitting it, now.
Yuusuke: [winks at Koenma] Why fight it?
Kurama: [snickers]

>Déagol: "Sméagol!"
>Sméagol: "Go on! Go on, pull it up!"

Yuusuke: I'm not touching that with a twenty-foot pole.
Xellos: [cheerfully] But they are!
Lina: Hentai.
Kuwa: Zel probably likes that about him.
Zel: [chokes]
Xellos: [blush] I'm not quite *that* bad...
Hiei: Sure, you say that now, but I'd bet you're wild in the sack.
Xellos: [turns even more red]
Yuusuke: Aww, he looks so cute when he's blushing. How can you resist that temptation, Zel?!
Zel: [glowers] Grow up.
Yuusuke: [raspberries]
Zel: [amused] Not interested. Ask your boyfriend.
Xellos: [laughs as Yuusuke sputters]

>[Instead of pulling the fish up, it pulls Déagol into the water, creating a big splash. Sméagol remains in the rocking boat and slowly gets up and sees his cousin's hat, floating in the water.]

Yuusuke: [hums the Jaws theme]
Hiei: [smirks] That'd be more interesting than what actually happens.
Zelgadis: What actually happens?
Yuusuke: They find a G-String at the bottom of the lake.
Hiei: That one was lost on me.
Koenma: Lord of the G-String. It's a porno that parodies Lord of the Rings.
Hiei: It's probably better than the movie, anyway.
Kurama: I wonder if we could rent it...
Yuusuke: We found it on TV, late at night. For some reason, all the Cinemax channels show at night is porn...
Kurama: [softly] I guess I'll have to order that...
Hiei: [snorts] We don't need it
Kurama: [giggles, kisses his neck] This is true.
Yuusuke: You two should *sell* porn, not watch it.
Hiei: Like I want to star in *your* wet dreams. Yuck.
Yuusuke: [sarcastic] Oh, woe is me. Whatever shall I do now?

>Sméagol: "Déagol!?"
>[The scene goes under the surface of the river and we see the big fish, caught in the hook, pulling Déagol with him, until he finally lets go of the pole. As he opens his eyes in the water, something catches his attention: The One Ring, buried partly in the sandy bottom of the river.]

Yuusuke: "Ooo. A sparkly!!"
Kurama: "Sparkles!"
Zelgadis: Talk about getting distracted by shiny objects...
Xellos: [sweat drops] I do that.
Lina: [snickers]
Zelgadis: Somehow that doesn't surprise me.
Xellos: [embarrassed grin]
Zelgadis: [smiles a little and shakes his head wryly]
Lina: Awww, how cute!
Zelgadis: [glowers immediately] It’s not!
Hiei: [snorts] Keep telling yourself that and maybe it'll come true.
Kurama: [whispers] Actually... that might not be a good thing, if he keeps this denial up.
Hiei: [whispers] It won't happen.
Kurama: [ditto] Oh?
Hiei: He'll figure it out.
Kurama: I hope so.
Hiei: [nips his neck] He will.
Kurama: [grins, fondles him]
Hiei: [gasps, shifts]
Kurama: [moans, jumps]
Zelgadis: [blushes, pretends he's not paying attention]
Lina: [snickers]
Xellos: [nibbles Zel's ear playfully]
Zelgadis: [stiffens]
Lina: Whoa.
Yuusuke: Go Xellos!
Hiei: About time.
Zelgadis: [too quiet]
Xellos: Er... Zelgadis-san?
Zelgadis: RA TILT!
Xellos: [goes flying, engulfed in the spell]
Kurama: Xellos-san? Are you alright?
Xellos: [still sizzling] It was worth it!!
Zel: [fumes] Jerk!
Xellos: [quietly] You were paying too much attention to them...
Zel: [glares] You did that because you were jealous or something? Of what?
Hiei: [snorts] You were blushing because of us. He probably prefers you blushing over him.
Zel: [glares and says nothing]
Xellos: [silently goes back to the couch, head bowed]
Lina: [to herself] I never would've imagined Xellos being the submissive one... Ah well.
Zel: [looks tempted to use Ra Tilt on her]

>[Déagol grasps it with his hand and finally returns to the surface, getting up from the water. As he stands on the grassy river-bank, he slowly opens his fist, inspecting the ring closer. On the background we can hear a bunch of birds leaving the surrounding trees in a hurry. As Déagol watches the One Ring, Sméagol hurries to his cousin.]
>Sméagol: "Déagol! (laughing) Déagol!"

Yuusuke: [Smeagol] Did you find the cock ring, Deagol?
Koenma: [Deagol] Yes, shall we try it out?
Yuusuke: [Smeagol] Yes, my precious...
Hiei: [snickers]
Zelgadis: [puzzled] What's a cock ring?
Xellos: [whispers in his ear]
Zel: [blushes deeply] Oh.
Xellos: [opens his eyes] Humans create the most interesting things.
Lina: Well, you got the reaction you were looking for, Xel.
Xellos: [blinks] Iya, you're right, Lina-san. [smiles slightly]
Zel: [scowls] Sadist.
Xellos: [raises an eyebrow] Indeed.
Zel: [glares]

>[Sméagol comes to stand behind his cousin's back and the minute he sees the somewhat muddy ring, he can't take his eyes of it. He watches it with greedy eyes.]
>Sméagol: "Give us that, Déagol my love."

Yuusuke: [laughs] He'll give it to you, all right.
Xellos: [sings] Give it to me, baby. Uh huh, uh huh...
Kurama: [giggles] I didn't realize you were into that kind of music, Xellos.
Xellos: [sweat drops]
Hiei: [smirks]

>[Déagol closes his fist and turns around to face Sméagol.]
>Déagol: "Why?"
>Sméagol: "Because it's my birthday and I wants it."

Koenma: Well, I wanted to see Star Wars; it doesn't mean I'm going to kill someone over it.
Hiei: Now, but who knows what you would've done if it'd been a fic we were reading.
Koenma: ... No comment.
Yuusuke: [pats] It's alright, K-chan. I'd be the same way.
Kurama: [smirks] We managed to deal when we got called in on our anniversary.
Yuusuke: Yeah, but you two have better self-control... Well. Most of the time, when Hiei's not on your lap.
Hiei: Wanna bet?
Yuusuke: [laughs] Not really.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: Darn. Here I was hoping for easy money.
Kurama: [nips on his shoulder] Can we lose our self-control anyway?
Hiei: [grins] Certainly, Imp.
Kurama: [tips Hiei's face up and kisses him deeply]
Hiei: [returns the kiss, moving his hips slightly]
Kurama: [gasps, sticks his hand down the front of Hiei's pants]
Hiei: [moans]
Yuusuke: Maybe we should continue without them.
Koenma: Good idea.

>[The smile on Sméagol's face fades away and he suddenly tries to snatch the Ring for himself. On the background you can hear the high-pitched call of the Ring. Sméagol tries again, but Déagol keeps dodging. They circle around each other and Sméagol's attempts are getting violent.]

Yuusuke: The Ring has a mating call? That actually explains a few things...
Kuwa: [laughs] It actually does.
Kurama: [continues to fondle his lover]
Hiei: [nibbles Kurama's chin]
Xellos: [whispers to Zelgadis] Do they always do that?
Zelgadis: [blushes] From what I gathered.
Xellos: [smiles] How cute.
Lina: [smirks]
Zelgadis: [glares at her] If you even think about saying that we will be too...
Lina: So you're admitting it now?
Zel: [throws his hands up in frustration]
Lina: [giggles]
Xellos: [pats his shoulder]
Lina: Any excuse to touch him, right, Xel?
Xellos: [flushes] Er...
Yuusuke: [mildly] Wow, you even got him to blush, Lina.
Lina: [buffs nails] It's a gift.
Kuwa: [snickers]

>[The call of the Ring sounds louder in the background and the two cousins are finally fighting for the One Ring. Sméagol bites Déagol in his arm and throws him down on the ground. The Ring falls from his grip and now lies in the grass. Both are reaching for it, the call of the Ring starting to resemble the scream of the Nazgûl. Déagol manages to get the Ring and stands up, attacking Sméagol who lets out a scream of terror as he is being strangled. However, the parts are changed and Déagol is lying on the ground again with his cousin's hands wrapped around his throat. On the background we hear a loud beating/drumming sound that in my opinion mirrors Déagol's heart beats. With a blank face Sméagol throttles his cousin and as the drumming sound starts to slow down, we hear the Ring whisper in the background. ('One Ring to rule them all...' in the Black Speech)]

Yuusuke: You wouldn't think hobbits would be into BDSM.
Hiei: Yeah, that's more of an elf thing.
Kurama: [laughs] No wonder Gimli is so attached to Legolas.
Kuwa: That couple reminds me of you two.
Hiei: [bristles] I am *not* a dwarf!
Kurama: And I do *not* constantly state the obvious! Though, I do admit to singing to trees...
Hiei: [smirks] I'm not a tree, either, Imp.
Kurama: [smirks] Oh? Then what's this? [squeezes Hiei's crotch lightly]
Hiei: [gasps] Not that kind of wood!
Kurama: [licks Hiei's ear] Well, it would be rather strange if I sung to your penis…
Xellos: [innocently] I didn't know you were a snake charmer, Kurama-san.
Kurama: [coughs]
Hiei: There's a thought...
Kurama: [smirks] Shall I try it then?
Hiei: [smirks back] When we get home.

>[Déagol is dead. Sméagol lets go and immediately takes the Ring for himself, admiring it with bliss written on his face.]
>Sméagol: "My Precious..."

Xellos: And he's a necrophiliac it seems...
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: Figures you'd get a 'rise' out of that.
Xellos: [bristles] I'm *not* attracted to dead things, Hiei-san.
Hiei: [snorts] Who was talking to *you*?
Xellos: Oh. [cheers up] That's alright then.
Kurama: Wait. Since when have *I* been attracted to dead things?
Hiei: [rolls his eyes] Never mind. [shifts]
Kurama: [gasps, giggles] But I really want to know.
Hiei: [licks Kurama's throat] It was a stupid joke.
Kurama: [whispers] You're not dead.
Hiei: [smiles] I know.
Kurama: [kisses him] Good.
Yuusuke: [rolls his eyes, amused]

>[He puts It on and disappears. The scene changes to Sméagol, scrambling amid rocks, the look on his face agonized.]
>Gollum VO: "They cursed us...Murderer..."

Hiei: Too dumb to lie, apparently.
Kurama: Well, when someone is murdered people normally suspect the lover first.
Hiei: [giggles]

>[We see Sméagol, huddled in a dark place, biting his thumb, watching the Ring in his hand.]
>Gollum VO: "Murderer they called us. They cursed us and drove us away!"

Yuusuke: Gypsies they were. They cursed us with a soul!
Kurama: You've been watching *way* too much Buffy lately.
Yuusuke: We wants it!
Koenma: [softly] We wants Spike's leather jacket, while we're at it...
Yuusuke: [raises an eyebrow] I'm pretty sure I know where to get one...
Koenma: [smiles] You'd look better in one then me though.
Yuusuke: [grins] And nothing else?
Koenma: [blushes] Definitely.
Yuusuke: [kisses him]

>[Sméagol has already began to change into Gollum.]
>Sméagol: "Gollum! Gollum! Gollum!"

Yuusuke: Toga! Toga! Toga!
Kuwa: [sleepily] But I don't want to make the bed!
Hiei: [snorts]

>[We see Gollum/Sméagol kneeling in the rain and by the looks of it, he is suffering.]
>Gollum VO: "And we wept, Precious. We wept to be so alone."

Xellos: [sings] One is the loneliest number...
Yuusuke: Wide range of musical tastes, eh?
Kurama: I bet your favorite song is When You’re Evil.
Xellos: [grins sheepishly]
Lina: I want to hear this song now.
Xellos: [shrugs, sings] And it's so easy when you're evil /This is the life, you see /The Devil tips his hat to me /I do it all because I'm evil /And I do it all for free /Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need...
Zel: [snorts] Fitting.
Xellos: [quietly] Yare yare. Is that all you think of me?
Zel: [doesn't respond]
Xellos: [brightly] Because it's true you know. I am evil.
Zel: [rolls his eyes]
Xellos: But is that all I am? Can one Mazoku be different from the rest? Sometimes I wonder...
Zel: [snorts] Who knows, with Mazoku. You're all so accustomed to deceiving, I'm sure you don't really even know each other.
Xellos: [smiles sadly, for just a second] That is true.
Zel: [ignores him]
Lina: [reaches around Xellos to smack Zel's head]
Zel: [goes flying to the floor] Ow! What was that for?
Lina: For ignoring him when he's obviously trying to open up.
Xellos: [sweat drops] Lina-san, that wasn't necessary...
Lina: Yes it was, Xellos. Stop being so submissive, it's freaky.
Zel: [scowls and sits down]

>[We see Gollum/Sméagol catching a fish and biting into it while it's most likely still alive. A close-up of his rotten teeth, sinking into the slimy fish.]

Yuusuke: Because Peter Jackson likes to gross us out every once in a while.
Kurama: Another reason to be disgusted by anything-slash-Gollum.
Yuusuke: I'll joke about it, but that's it.
Hiei: [pets Kurama's hair] My precious...
Kurama: [grins, kisses him deeply] My dark lord...
Hiei: [giggles]

>Gollum VO: "Fish...and we only wish...so juicy sweet..."

Hiei: Mmmm... Juicy sweet. [buries his face in Kurama's neck]
Kurama: [giggles] My.
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>[Shots of Sméagol changing. In every scene he is more and more like the creature Gollum he becomes. Finally he crawls into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains.]
>Gollum VO: "And we forgot the taste of bread, the sound of trees, the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name..."

Yuusuke: That's how good the sex was.
Kuwa: No Smeagol/Gollum references, please. Yuck.

>[Gollum/Sméagol sits in the caves, the Ring in his hand, his eyes pale white. He closes them, and when his eyes are opened again, it's Gollum who we are looking at. Gollum closes the Ring in his fist.]
>Gollum VO: "My Prrrreciousss..."

Yuusuke: He moaned as he came, spurting all over--
Kurama: Stop.
Yuusuke: Yes, mother.
Hiei: [raises a hand threateningly]
Yuusuke: [shrinks back] Yipe!
Kurama: [kisses Hiei's cheek] Thank you, Dragon.
Hiei: [grins] No problem, Imp.

>We see Sam, wrapped in his elven cloak, sleeping. A few meters away sits Frodo, awake. His breathing gets louder as he brings his left hand up to fiddle with the ring-chain, his face twiching. Frodo glances in Sam's direction and takes out the Ring. He twiddles it with his fingers and watches it, his breathing heavy. As Frodo hears Gollum approaching, he quickly hides the Ring. Gollum peeks into the stony alcove where the two hobbits have been resting.]

Yuusuke: Ever notice how Frodo and Gollum really are just a couple of druggies waiting for their next fix? It's like watching Trainspotting. Only no Ewan McGregor swimming in a dirty toilet.
Hiei: I really don't want to watch that movie now. Ever.
Yuusuke: [giggles] It's trippy.
Hiei: Good for it.

>Gollum: "Wake up! Wake up!"
>[Gollum shakes Sam awake.]
>Gollum: "Wake up, sleepies!"
>Gollum: "We must go, yess...We must go at once."

Koenma: Why am I expecting an orgy now?
Yuusuke: Because it's Gollum?
Hiei: Because you're a hentai like your boyfriend?
Koenma: [grins] Both?
Yuusuke: [grins] Works for me.
Zel: Way to encourage them.
Yuusuke: We'll gravitate back to you, don't worry.
Zel: [groans] That *wasn't* what I meant.
Yuusuke: [giggles] I know.
Zel: [grumbles inaudibly]
Xellos: [pats his shoulder]
Zel: [ignores him]

>[Sam sits up and looks at Frodo's blank face.]
>Sam: "Haven't you had any sleep, Mr. Frodo?"

Yuusuke: [Frodo] No, you kept me up with your snoring, asshole.
Hiei: [Frodo] No, you fucked me in your sleep, damnit.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: Well, they might as well have on screen, with their drooling over each other.
Kurama: It might actually have been an improvement.
Yuusuke: Yeah. I hated all the fangirls whining about how sad this was. The only reason they think its sad is because Frodo left Sam. I was happy for him!
Kurama: For Sam or for Frodo?
Yuusuke: Frodo.
Hiei: [snickers] Spoken like a true Frodo/Gollum fanboy.
Yuusuke: I'd never *read* it... I stay far away from LotR fanfiction. Kurama's the one that reads Gimli/Legolas.
Kurama: [blushes]
Hiei: [smirks] Imp? Something you'd like to share with the class?
Kurama: [snickers] Only if you promise to punish me after school, sensei.
Hiei: You just earned yourself detention, then, fox. [winks]
Kurama: [grins] Oooo! Goodie!
Hiei: [giggles]
Xellos: I didn't realize you were into role play, Kurama-san, Hiei-san.
Kurama: [blushes]
Hiei: [shrugs] We dabble.
Kuwa: Can we move on already?
Yuusuke: Nah, let's stay on the subject a bit, it's funny.
Kuwa: We'll miss Star Wars.
Yuusuke: Moving on now!

>[Frodo merely shakes his head.]
>Sam: "I've gone an' had too much."

Hiei: Of a lot of stuff, apparently.
Yuusuke: [snorts] And the anorexic Dobby wannabe keeps making fun of him.
Xellos: [blinks] Hiei-san meant food?
Hiei: Well, he's got too big a stick up his ass to have had too much sex.
Xellos: Iya... Poor Frodo-san.
Zelgadis: Figures your mind was running in that direction though.
Lina: Zel, quit being an ass.
Yuusuke: And take out the stick that's stuck up *yours.*
Zel: I don't have a stick up my ass.
Yuusuke: Yes you do.
Zel: No, I don't. I just seem to be the only one around here who remembers that Xellos is a Mazoku.
Others (excluding Xel): [groan loudly]
Lina: Quit stereotyping and open your eyes for once.
Yuusuke: If you don't accept your feelings--and more importantly, *his* feelings--soon, he may just give up on you.
Xellos: [no comment]
Zel: [crosses his arms] Quit assuming what my feelings are.
Xellos: [thoughtfully] Maybe I should give up.
Lina: Go for it. We'll find you a nice guy back home. Maybe with horns or something else exotic.
Xellos: [giggles]
Kurama: [to himself] I wonder how he'd get along with Yomi...
Hiei: [giggles]
Yuusuke: Let's set them up! Is Yomi dating?
Kurama: Last time I checked, no... He was highly amused to find out Hiei and I were married...
Zel: [remains silent, stewing]
Lina: What's this Yomi person look like?
Kurama: Horns, three sets of ears to accommodate for his blindness, very intelligent and cunning, handsome in a roguish sort of way... He and Xellos might get along.
Kuwa: I hate to break up the matchmaking session, but we need to move on or we won't make the movie...
Kurama: [nervous laugh] Sorry!

>[Sam stands up and looks at the surroundings.]
>Sam: "Must be getting late."
>Frodo: "No, it isn't...it isn't midday yet...the days are growing darker."

Yuusuke: [Frodo] Hold me, Sam!
Hiei: [Sam] Anything for you, Mister Frodo!
Yuusuke: [Frodo] Anything?
Hiei: [Sam] Well, unless it involves acts of sexual deviance with Gollum.
Yuusuke: [Frodo] Aww...
Kurama: [Gollum] Disappointed we are, precious...
Koenma: [giggles]
Kuwa: That's disturbing, you guys. Quit it.
Lina: Says you.

>[The earth shakes and rumbles as Orodruin belches out its fiery contents.]
>Gollum: "Come on! Must go, no time!"

Yuusuke: [sings] I'm late, I'm late! For a very important date!
Koenma: Yeah. May 19th.
Yuusuke: Eep!
Koenma: [winces] It was my fault... I had a lot of paper work that day. I told you to go ahead without me.
Yuusuke: I couldn't go see it without you! It wouldn't have been fair.
Kurama: Well, you both have the chance to see it today, if we get done quickly.
Yuusuke: True. [kisses Koenma]

>Sam: "Not before Mr. Frodo's had something to eat."
>Gollum: "No time to lose, silly!"

Yuusuke: [Gollum] And we don’t wants Master getting as fat as you, silly!
Hiei: [Smeagol] And we knows what you wants to feed him!
Kurama: [giggles] Reminds me of what I had for breakfast...
Hiei: [blushes] Shush, you.
Kuwa: Urg. Too much information!
Kurama: [giggles]

>[Sam walks to Frodo, goes through his bag and hands Frodo a pack of Lembas bread.]
>Sam: "Here."
>Frodo: "What about you?"
>Sam: "Oh no, I'm not hungry...'least not for Lembas bread."

Yuusuke: [starts laughing]
Kurama: Oh, that's nice. It's started to MST itself.
Hiei: Good. We can get back to more important things. [shifts]
Kurama: [gasps, strokes Hiei's inner thigh]
Hiei: [moans, turns and sucks on Kurama's neck]
Kurama: [spreads Hiei's legs apart and rubs just around his crotch]
Hiei: [gasps, panting lightly]
Koenma: Right. Moving on.

>Frodo: "Sam..."

Yuusuke: [Frodo] I love your dirty talk.
Koenma: [Sam] I know, Mister Frodo.

>Sam: "All right, we don't have that much left."
>Sam: "We have to be careful, or we're goin' to run out."
>Sam: "You go ahead and eat that, Mr. Frodo."

Yuusuke: [starts laughing again]
Xellos: [hums Ode to Joy]
Yuusuke: [falls over, laughing harder] You sound exactly like Kaworu!
Xellos: [sweat drops]
Hiei: [smirks]
Kurama: Funny... Zelgadis kind of reminds me of Shinji.
Zel: Who?
Xellos: The main character from this excessively popular mecha anime. I don't think he's at all like Shinji, Kurama-san.
Kurama: [shrugs] To each his own.
Zel: [rolls his eyes]

>[Frodo takes a bite of the Lembas bread.]
>Sam: "I've rationed it. There should be enough."
>Frodo: "For what?"

Koenma: The victory sex.
Yuusuke: [giggles]

>Sam: "The journey home."
>[The hobbits look at each other, a trace of emotion playing on Frodo's face.]

Yuusuke: Oh, just do it already! Stop teasing!
Hiei: PJ chickened out.
Kurama: Well, there's nothing wrong with some innocent teasing... [strokes Hiei's leg slowly]
Hiei: [nips his throat]
Zelgadis: Those two have one-tracked minds...
Xellos: Their bond is pure.
Zel: [shrugs]
Xellos: Maybe you'll understand someday.
Zel: And you do?
Xellos: [smiles silently]
Zel: [stares without meaning to]
Yuusuke: Awww, captivated.
Zel: [sputters, faces forward] K-knock it off!
Lina: Well, you were!
Xellos: Leave him alone, everyone.
Zel: [softly, but loud enough for everyone to hear] I don't know what I want, so just drop it.
Yuusuke: Alright, alright... All we're saying is you should keep your mind open.
Lina: And listen to your heart.
Zel: How about you both shut up?
Both: [sigh]
Xellos: [opens his eyes] I said leave him alone.
Zel: [flushes slightly]

>[The scene changes and we see the hobbits continue their journey, Gollum leading them.]
>Gollum: "Come, hobbitses! Very close now. Very close to Mordor."
>Gollum: "No safe places here. Hurry!"


Yuusuke: [Gollum] No safe places for nasty hobbit sex here!
Koenma: [giggles]

>[With Gandalf's lead, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are riding through the Fangorn forest, towards Isengard.]

Yuusuke: And now going back to Robin Hood and his merry men in tights...
Hiei: If they start singing...
Kurama: [giggles] No, I'm pretty sure that's our job.
Hiei: [snickers]

>Pippin: "I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon after a hard day's work."
>Merry: "Only, you've never done a hard day's work." [both laugh]

Kuwa: Pippin bitch-slaps him.
Yuusuke: Next time on Jerry Springer, "Trailer trash cousins in love!"
Hiei: They also need to get drunk and screw.
Yuusuke: And then smoke pipe weed.
Kurama: And then screw some more.
Yuusuke: [Gollum] Nasty hobbitses...
Koenma: More like horny hobbitses.
Yuusuke: Yeah.

>[Merry and Pippin are sitting on the walls of Isengard, eating and smoking pipe weed. As they see Gandalf and the others emerge from the woods, Merry stands up and Pippin lifts his hand, holding a tankard.]
>Merry: "Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!"

Yuusuke: [Merry] Where you get free shags with every beer!
Hiei: They get that anyway without the beer.
Yuusuke: True.
Kurama: [quietly] Gimli and Legolas don't need the hobbits for that though...
Yuusuke: [hums loudly]
Kurama: Shut up.
Hiei: [licks Kurama's neck]
Kurama: [lifts his chin to give Hiei more room]
Hiei: [grins and makes use of it]
Kurama: [smiles happily]

>Gimli: "You, young rascals!"
>Gimli: "A merry hunt you've lead us on, and now we find you feasting and...and smoking!"

Kurama: [Legolas] And the shagging, don't forget the shagging.
Hiei: [Gimli] We did that every night. How *could* I forget it.
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] I couldn't either. You two are freaking loud.
Hiei: [Gimli] What can I say? He's a yeller.

>Pippin: "We are sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts."
>[Merry blows out a cloud of smoke in agreement.]
>Pippin: "The salted pork is particulary good."
>Gimli: "Salted pork?"

Kurama: [Legolas] I can cook you salted pork!
Hiei: [Gimli] I bet you could.
Koenma: [Gandalf] Yes yes, kinky interspecies mating habits--can we get on with it already?
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] Don't mind him, he misses Frodo.
Hiei: [Gimli] And here he was complaining about us and kinky interspecies mating habits.
Kurama: [Legolas] Jealous, obviously.
Koenma: [Gandalf] Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards!
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] But it's perfectly okay for them to meddle in ours.
Xellos: Of course!
Lina: [snickers] Naturally.

>Gandalf: "Hobbits..."
>Merry: "We're under orders! From Treebeard, who's taken over management of Isengard."

Kuwa: [Merry] He's going to open up a strip club!
Koenma: [Gandalf] Yes, that sounds like Treebeard...
Yuusuke: [Pippin] It was hard to get that sap out of my eye...
Kurama: [Legolas] Yes, trees can be feistier than they look...
Hiei: [giggles, then as Gimli] That's why dwarves have the good sense to stay underground.
Kurama: [Legolas] Oh, I don't know. Dwarves can be pretty frisky too.
Hiei: [Gimli] We're pretty darned limber, too.
Kurama: [Legolas] Oh, I know, dear... [winks]

>[Gandalf and the others are riding towards Orthanc in the flooded ruins of Isengard.]
>Treebeard: "Young master Gandalf. I'm glad you've come. Wood and water, stock and stone I can master, but there's a wizard to manage here; locked in his tower."

Xellos: [Treebeard] He keeps crying about this magic butt plug that he lost.
Yuusuke: [starts laughing]
Kurama: Well, to be technical, it was thrown out the window... And *none* of this is even supposed to happen right now.
Kuwa: Oh, don't start on that again.
Hiei: [yawns] The movies were inadequate representations of the books. Let's move on now.

>Gandalf: "And there Saruman must remain. Under your guard, Treebeard."
>Gimli: "Well, let's just have his head and be done with it!"

Kurama: [Legolas] I love it when you talk dirty.
Hiei: [Gimli] Nympho.
Xellos: Do you have nymph in your blood, Kurama-san?
Kurama: Heh. You're not the first person to ask that, actually...
Hiei: [giggles] I wouldn't doubt it.
Kurama: [blushes]

>Gandalf: "No, he has no power anymore."
>Treebeard: "The filth of Saruman is washing away. Trees will come back to live here."

Xellos: [Treebeard] We'll sing show tunes.
Lina: [Treebeard] And dress in drag!
Zelgadis: [Treebeard] And seduce sailors so that their friends can get a free ride!
Lina: Hey. That was only once. And that sailor can't find Gourry.
Yuusuke: [giggles] If he did, you could tape it.
Lina: Irk.
Xellos: Gourry-san would probably be too scared.
Hiei: [giggles] What a wuss.

>[Pippin, sitting on a horse behind Aragorn, sees something in the water. He jumps down to get it.]
>Treebeard: "Young trees, wild trees."

Xellos: [Treebeard] Young college trees, trees on spring break...
Yuusuke: Figures that Saruman would build his tower in Florida

>Aragorn: "Pippin!"
>[Pippin sinks his hands into the water and lifts up the Palantír of Saruman.]

Yuusuke: King Arthur he's not.
Koenma: [Merlin] Wart! Put that down! You don't know where it's been!
Kurama: [Gandalf] He found Saruman's butt plug.
Hiei: [Gimli] We're not using it. Remember that time we found that magic G-string?
Kurama: [Legolas] Definitely not a fun experience. I didn't realize it had a shrinking spell on it...
Xellos: My master has a g-string that does that...
Lina: Er. Xellos. Of all the images I didn't need, visualizing the Beastmaster with a g-string on was one of them.
Xellos: My master is very attractive, Lina-san!
Lina: Ick.

>Treebeard: "Bless my bark!"

Yuusuke: Woof!
Hiei: [laughs] That's not exactly a blessing.
Kurama: [snickers]

>Gandalf: "Peregrin Took, I'll take that, my lad."
>[Pippin, holding the Stone, looks at Gandalf, then at the Palantír again.]

Yuusuke: [Pippin] But-but I want the evil butt plug, Gandalf!
Koenma: [Pippin] And stop calling me your lad, Magneto.
Kurama: [giggles] I almost forgot about that movie...
Yuusuke: It's been on satellite lately. That and Shrek 2. A lot. I can't wait until Harry Potter finally comes on next month... Not that I bitch about that movie any less, but at least it'll be something *new* on.
Kuwa: I heard the fourth movie is coming out in November or somewhere around there.
Yuusuke: Yeah. It's going to be worse than Prisoner of Azkaban, I just know it. [sigh] At least I'll have Revenge of the Sith to look back on with happy thoughts.
Hiei: [snorts] That movie? You're joking.
Kurama: [giggles] Prisoner of Azkaban is going to be hard to top in suckiness level.
Hiei: Agreed.
Xellos: Iya... I didn't think it was so bad. Well, except for the butchering of Snape's parts.
Yuusuke: Well, there was that, but it also cut out way too much from the book. I was disappointed.
Xellos: It could have been worse. [motions at the text]
Yuusuke: Nah. I think they're equally disappointing.
Koenma: They both added stuff that wasn't in the books, too.
Yuusuke: Hermione's magic pink sweater of DOOM for starters.
Hiei: I wasn't paying *that* much attention to the movie.
Yuusuke: Probably in part because you and Kurama were snogging most of the time.
Kurama: Well. Habits die hard.
Hiei: [shrugs] They're both theatres.
Yuusuke: Did you do it for Star Wars?
Kurama: Only during Padme and Anakin's horribly forced love scenes.
Koenma: Yuu-chan, I'd like as few spoilers as possible.
Kurama: They were forced in the last one; you thought it'd get better?
Yuusuke: [wince] He's right. We'll see it soon enough.
Hiei: Spoilsports.

>Gandalf: "Quickly now!"
>[Pippin hands the Stone to Gandalf who immediately wraps and hides it under his robes. Pippin watches after Gandalf and the Palantír as the wizard rides away from him.]

Yuusuke: [Pippin] That kinky old wizard...
Kurama: Something tells me that Pippin is kinkier.
Yuusuke: [giggles] Yeah, probably.

>[A shot of Gandalf and the others riding through the plains of Rohan towards Edoras and the Golden Hall of Medusel. The camera flies through the air and shows us Èowyn, standing outside the Golden Hall. We go inside, where King Théoden stands before his men.]
>Théoden: "Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country."

Yuusuke: [Aragorn] What about those of us who were too pretty to bleed?
Kurama: [Legolas] It's an elf thing! Stop picking on me!
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] Uh huh, sure.

>[He holds out his goblet to honor the dead]
>Théoden: "Hail the victorious dead!"
>People of Rohan: "Hail!"

Zelgadis: How can the dead be victorious?
Kurama: Not really sure, unless they have some weird belief about dying as warriors.
Koenma: [Haldir] But I'm not even supposed to be dead yet!
Yuusuke: [snorts]
Hiei: [yawns] How long do we have left until we have to be out of here to catch the movie?
Kurama: [checks his wrist watch] About an hour.
Hiei: We're only going to make it if we're not doing the entire script.
Botan's voice: Oh! You're not. It's been sectioned off. You're on your last scene for the day.
Yuusuke: So we'll make the movie!
Koenma: [grins]
Yuusuke: [leans against him, grinning]
Koenma: [slips an arm around Yuusuke's waist, pulling him closer]
Yuusuke: [chuckles and kisses him]
Koenma: [deepens kiss]

>[We see Aragorn, holding a tankard. He seems to hesitate before bringing it to his lips.]

Kurama: And promptly died from poison. The end.
Hiei: We wish.

>[In the next scene the people of Rohan are celebrating in the Golden Hall. We see Èowyn, holding a cup, walking towards Aragorn. He comes to stand before her and Èowyn hands him the goblet.]
>Èowyn: "Westu, Aragorn, hál."

Yuusuke: [Aragorn] Subtitles please?
Hiei: They didn't give any for us in the DVD, so I doubt he'll get any.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: If that's the result of a perverted thought...
Kurama: [raises an eyebrow] What makes you ask that?
Yuusuke: [automatically] Aragorn's not "getting any."
Kurama: [giggles again]
Hiei: [shifts]
Kurama: [gasps]
Hiei: [smirks]
Kurama: [giggles breathily]
Hiei: [shifts again]
Kurama: [moans loudly, fondles Hiei's crotch]
Hiei: [arches back]
Kurama: [giggles]
Yuusuke: Right, let's just leave them to their own devices, shall we?
Kuwa: Let's.

>[Aragorn takes the cup and drinks as Èowyn watches him with a radiant smile on her face. He gives it back and walks away. Théoden joins Èowyn and watches Aragorn leave.]
>Théoden: "I am happy for you. He is an honorable man."

All: [laugh out loud]
Hiei: If you call doing pretty much everyone in the Fellowship "honorable," sure.

>Èowyn: "You are both honorable men."

All: [laugh more]
Hiei: "Warrior way" is honorable, apparently.
Kurama: And apparently the only way these people know. [giggles]
Hiei: Surprising there are any kids.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: [lounges in Kurama's lap]
Kurama: [smiles at him] Too bad they don't have our advantage.
Hiei: [grins]
Kurama: [kisses his nose playfully]
Hiei: [nips his chin as he does]
Kurama: [smiles warmly]

>Théoden: "It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory."
>[Èowyn watches her uncle, the smile on her face now gone.]
>Théoden: "Don't listen to me. You are young and tonight is for you."

Yuusuke: [Theoden] Or rather, it would be if you were a man.
Lina: [Eowyn] Nuts.
Hiei: His beard is still crooked.
Kurama: [snickers]
Zelgadis: How do you know?
Hiei: We saw the movie. [points at text]
Zelgadis: Oh.
Xellos: I'm sure they'll show it to you soon, Zelgadis-san.
Zelgadis: [shrugs] I wasn't aware that this was a movie.
Xellos: I know.
Lina: When can we see it? We might get what's going on better if we've seen it.
Yuusuke: Koenma and I will bring it over this weekend.
Lina: Cool!

>[The smile returns to Èowyn's face. Farther away Merry and Pippin are singing about the Green Dragon and dancing on a table, tankards in their hands.]

Kurama: Oh good grief.
Hiei: Yeah. "Dancing."
Kurama: [notices, giggles]
Yuusuke: I'd bet they'd be good pole dancers.
Koenma: They'll need to find that magic g-string again.
Hiei: [snickers] Useful thing, that is.
Kurama: Oh? Should I get one?
Hiei: [leers]
Kurama: [giggles] I'll take that as a yes.
Hiei: You should buy a kilt, too.
Kurama: [blinks] A kilt?
Hiei: "Kilt. Sex. Now."
Kurama: [laughs]
Hiei: [grins] "Kilt. Sex. Now."
Kurama: Oh? *Right* now?
Hiei: Do you happen to have one now?
Kurama: [pouts] No...
Hiei: Okay. Later.
Kurama: [giggles] Okay.
Yuusuke: You two and your fetishes.
Zelgadis: [whispers] What's a kilt?
Xellos: [same, leans closer] A skirt, of sorts.
Zelgadis: [still whispering] Then why would he want to wear it?
Xellos: [sweat drops] So Hiei-san can... enjoy the view.
Zelgadis: [blinks] Is that why Gourry was looking up Filia’s skirt?
Xellos: [sweat drops more] I wouldn't know. I try to keep Filia-san and "attractive" out of the same context.
Zelgadis: [snickers]
Xellos: [shifts uncomfortably]
Lina: [softly] Actually, from what can figure out, a kilt is something guys are supposed to wear without anything underneath.
Xellos: I envy Kurama-san. I don't have the legs for it.
Lina: Your legs are fine, dear. You forget that we've seen you in a kimono.
Zelgadis: [snorts] Plus you've changed form plenty of times. I doubt it's that big of a deal for you.
Xellos: [blushes] Yes, but I was in a female form. I meant *this* form.
Zelgadis: What would you need to wear a kilt for, anyway?
Xellos: [smiles slightly] I'm sure I'll find a reason to someday. Immortality tends to make one bored.
Kurama: I doubt there's a problem with your legs, Xellos. I didn't think you were one to be self-conscious.
Yuusuke: Wait... Mazoku depend on their ego for their power. It's why you’re all overconfident. How can you be self-conscious?
Xellos: [sweat drops] Under advisement of my attorney I am not allowed to answer that question.
Yuusuke: Huh?
Xellos: [even more embarrassed] I... do feel the pain from it. If that's what you're wondering.
Yuusuke: Yeah, I thought it was a little weird...
Zelgadis: [confused] Why are you self-conscious about it, though?
Xellos: Why are you self-conscious about your body?
Zelgadis: [scowls and doesn't answer]
Xellos: [softly] One can only hear about themselves being incarnations of evil so many times before it has an effect.
Zelgadis: [scowl deepens, doesn't respond]
Lina: [sneers] Gee, I wonder who here would do *that*?
Xellos: Lina-san...
Zelgadis: [says nothing, stares at the screen]
Lina: [opens her mouth to deliver some other insult when Xellos puts a finger to her lips]
Xellos: Lina-san. Tact.
Lina: [blushes] Alright, alright.

>Merry and Pippin: "Oh you can search far and wide, you can drink the whole town dry, but you'll never find a beer so brown as the one we drink in our home town! You can keep your fancy ales, you can drink them by the flagon, but the only brew for the brave and true, comes from the Green Dragon!" [still not sure about this]

Yuusuke: Neither are we.
Hiei: [sneers] Beer is for wusses.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: Good Makai liquor, on the other hand...
Yuusuke: We should bring some with us next time.
Kurama: [grins evilly] You know not the consequences of that statement.
Hiei: Good idea. We will. And Kurama will wear a kilt, too.
Kurama: [giggles] I'll go out and buy one this evening. Want to come with and help me pick it out? [winks]
Koenma: I'm not bailing either of you out of jail.
Kurama: [scowls] I said *buy.*
Yuusuke: If Hiei comes along, I'm sure you'll end up trying it out in the dressing room.
Kurama: Oh... [looks concerned now]
Hiei: So? It's no one else's business what Kurama and I do.
Koenma: As I said, I'm not bailing you out of jail.
Xellos: I would like to see what these kilts are, Kurama-san.
Kurama: [blushes] Well, maybe if you come with us we won't be tempted to have sex in public...
Hiei: I might just stay at the temple. [glances pointedly in Zel's direction, then at Kurama]
Kurama: [blinks, then smiles brightly] Alright.
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>[Gandalf is watching the little show of the hobbits, laughing and clapping with his hands. He is joined by Aragorn.]
>Aragorn: "No news of Frodo?"

Koenma: [Gandalf] He's become a stripper in Mordor.
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] That little slut...
Hiei: [Gimli] You're just jealous because he gets to check out Sauron's goods before we do.
Yuusuke: [Aragorn, whining] I am not!
Hiei: [Gimli] Sure, you aren't. Legolas, you should go comfort your boyfriend.
Kurama: [Legolas] Ew. You must be joking. Filthy humans...
Hiei: [Gimli] Like it matters. You're "too pretty" to get dirty, remember?
Kurama: [Legolas, petulant] I don't mind getting dirty with you, Gimli... You smell like earth. He smells like sweat and other bodily fluids...
Hiei: [Gimli, thoughtful] Now that I think of it, I could use some comforting myself...
Kurama: [Legolas] Yay!
Yuusuke: Have I mentioned today that you two are *so* strange?
Both: Yes. [start snogging]

>Gandalf: "No word. Nothing."

Koenma: [Gandalf] Not one phone call or postcard. It’s like he doesn’t remember me…
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] Or that he thinks you’re still dead.
Koenma: [Gandalf] Oh. Right.
Hiei: [snickers against Kurama's neck]
Kurama: [cuddles him lovingly]
Yuusuke: [Aragorn] Plus, the mail system in Mordor sucks. Do you know how long it took Sauron's "Hi, guys, I decided to rise up and take over the world again" letter took to reach us?
Koenma: [laughs]

>Aragorn: "We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor."
>Gandalf: "Do we know that?"
>Aragorn: "What does your heart tell you?"

Yuusuke: [Anakin] Yes. I guess.
Kurama: [Shmi] Then we will see each other again.
Hiei: [giggles]
Kurama: It's sad that that woman's death was the only thing meaningful in Episode II.
Yuusuke: Mostly because she was the only one *acting*.
Hiei: Shame they got such crappy actors.
Xellos: Even Ewan McGregor. I think Hayden Christensen was a bad influence. He was fine when he was working with Liam Neeson. In Episode II, he was so humiliatingly comical.
Kuwa: Who did he play?
Xellos: Obi-Wan.
Kuwa: Oh. That explains the British accent.
Xellos: Actually, I think it's Scottish...
Kuwa: Like I can tell the difference?
Xellos: Well, he *is* trying to sound like Alec Guinness.
Kuwa: Who?
Xellos: Obi-Wan in the original trilogy.
Kuwa: Oh. Okay.

>[Gandalf is silent and watches Aragorn, a little smile rising to his lips.]
>Gandalf: "That Frodo is alive."
>Gandalf: "Yes...Yes, he is alive."

Koenma: [Vader] Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Yuusuke: [Luke] NOOOOO!
Hiei: [giggles] Just think about Sith Academy while we're in the movie theatre.
Yuusuke: [snorts-giggles]
Zelgadis: Is it done?
Hiei: Dunno.
Kurama: [waits a beat] ... I think it is. We should go; we only have thirty-five minutes left.
Yuusuke: [jumps up] Yay, we're going to see Star Wars!
Hiei: [grins]
Zelgadis: I'm going to be very confused by this, aren't I?
Xellos: [grins] I'll explain it to you!
Zelgadis: [sweatdrops]

- Ningenkai -

Later, after watching Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, the throng gathered at Genkai’s temple for a late lunch. Zelgadis skipped on the gathering, preferring to be by himself for the first time that day. He began a slow kata exercise with his sword, not because he felt he needed it after their fight that morning, but because he hadn’t done so in a while. He could feel someone watching him even before he was attacked. It came from above, the blow quick, and he barely had time to parry it, along with the strikes that followed.

Hiei smirked. “You’ve got good instincts.”

Zelgadis narrowed his eyes, but after a moment realized the fire demon’s expression gave way no animosity. Well then. “You’re pretty fast.”

“You ain’t seen anything yet,” Hiei said, raising his sword.

Zelgadis smirked back, cast Astral Vine on his weapon for the second time that day, and readied for the other man’s move.

*

When the conversation lulled--except for Kuwabara fawning over Yukina’s great cooking--Yuusuke looked around the room, puzzled. “Hey. Where’d Hiei go? He was here a minute ago.”

Kurama calmly sipped his tea. “He’s outside.”

Yuusuke grinned widely. “You got radar on him or something?”

Kurama sat his cup down and gave the teen a pointed look. “What’s Koenma doing right now?”

“Paper work,” Yuusuke answered immediately, and then frowned. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Kurama smiled. “I thought that was obvious.”

Yuusuke rolled his eyes.

Lina paused a moment in devouring her food like a vacuum cleaner when she noticed Xellos standing next to the opposite wall, a soft frown on his face. His head was tilted to the side as if he were listening to something.

“Xellos?” she said. “What’s up?”

The frown cleared off the Mazoku’s face the minute she spoke. “Oh, nothing, Lina-san!”

Lina glared and began to press for an answer, ready to deal out violence if need be, when Kurama stood. “I think I’ll go take a little walk.” He stopped by the purple haired priest on his way out. “Would you accompany me, Xellos-san?”

Xellos smiled enigmatically. “I’d be delighted to, Kurama-san!”

Together the two exited the room. Dumbfounded, the others could only watch them go.

“What was that about?” Kuwabara asked. Yuusuke could only shrug.

*

On silent agreement, Kurama and Xellos walked outside and stood on the porch, overlooking the intense sparring match. Hiei and Zelgadis were both very stubborn fighters, and it seemed that they had been going on for sometime now. Hiei had discarded his cloak and scarf, Zelgadis his tan-colored cape. Kurama amused himself with the thought that if they left the two to their devices long enough, maybe they would remove more clothing.

“They’re cute,” Xellos commented softly.

“And phallic,” added Kurama, a bit more loudly. Hiei and Zelgadis stopped fighting immediately, saw that they were being watched, and blushed. Though, for Zelgadis it was because he was embarrassed. For Hiei it was because his partner had a familiar gleam in his green eyes.

“Boys and their toys,” Kurama said, smiling wider.

Beside him, Xellos muffled a giggle into his hand. “Do continue! Don’t let us stop you.”

“Che,” Hiei snorted, sheathing his sword. He looked at Zelgadis mildly. “We’ve got to keep our boyfriends apart. They’ll start conspiring soon.”

Zelgadis sputtered. “He’s not my boyfriend!!”

“Whatever.” Hiei looked up as he saw Yuusuke walk outside, followed by Kuwabara, Lina, Yukina and Genkai. “He’s still in denial.”

Yuusuke shook his head. “Zel, you’re hopeless. And what the hell have you two been doing?”

“Sparring,” Kurama told him, eyes still gleaming peculiarly. “With swords. Getting all sweaty and breathless and--”

“Kurama,” Hiei interrupted.

“--and making Xellos and I worried,” Kurama continued smoothly. He smirked when Zelgadis looked up hastily at the Mazoku, who didn’t meet his gaze.

“I never said I was worried, Kurama-san,” Xellos said, a bit petulantly.

“You were!” Lina put in.

Zelgadis snorted. "Even if I *had* gotten hit, it wouldn't have done damage. There was no reason for anyone to worry."

"Except for maybe the new dents on my sword," Hiei commented lowly. Kurama broke into a fit of giggles and the fire demon gave him a hard look. "Imp…"

Xellos had opened his eyes at Zelgadis' words. "Do not be so disregarding, Zelgadis-san." Once the words escaped him, he looked surprised that he'd spoken at all, which was an odd thing for him.

Zelgadis blinked, somewhat surprised as well, partly because he wasn't sure what the trickster was talking about. "Disregarding of what?"

Xellos looked at him for a long moment, obviously weighing whether to answer or not. "Yourself," was all he said, and was abruptly gone, disappearing.

Zelgadis stared at the spot he had been in. "What the hell was that supposed to mean?" he finally asked rhetorically.

Hiei snorted. "That he cares for your personal safety," he said, as if it were perfectly obvious.

Zelgadis glared at him, not really having words to retort with. He finally just sheathed his sword and headed off toward the trees to be alone.

*

The shaman came to a stop, sitting down on a bolder nearby a small spring. He glowered at his much-hated reflection, still steaming over Hiei’s comment.

They didn’t understand, none of them. Not even Lina, which seemed absurd! She herself should know that Mazoku only felt negative feelings, and fed off the negative emotions of human beings. Mazoku were evil. All of this was bringing back feelings that he thought had long since faded away, when he first found out Xellos was what he was. He despised the elevation that came to his chest, knowing that each time it was harder to stamp out.

But what Xellos had said... and his tone of voice when he had said it... Zelgadis wasn't sure what he had expected, but he had heard very different words when the priest had answered his question, words that he was sure were simply figments of an overactive, naively hopeful imagination. 'My feelings.'

It wasn't possible, he told himself firmly, but his mind presented him with examples from recent memory. Xellos' kind words, with no apparent manipulation behind them, in the theatre, and his uncharacteristically rude comment to Lina to... protect him. He had even helped Zelgadis with his hair, with no real other intentions behind the offer. Zelgadis rubbed his temple, irritated. He didn't want this to come back, to be disappointed, as he knew he would be. Mazoku were Mazoku, but Xellos... wasn't acting as he generally did. Things had changed, and he didn't understand how.

Why, now, had things suddenly become so complicated?

He despised this weakness. He’d rather the despair simply devour him again, to return to feeling empty and ultimately alone, than to go through this uncertainty.

He’d rather he hadn’t fallen for someone who couldn’t love him back.

Hiei headed through the trees. After a brief conversation with Kurama, it had been decided that they would follow the original plan. Kurama would find Xellos and go out kilt shopping--Hiei unconsciously licked his lips at the thought--and Hiei would track Zelgadis and talk to him. It was made a bit more difficult by the fact that Zelgadis very obviously didn't want anyone following him, but Hiei was aided by his Youkai senses and caught up with him in very little time, finding the half-Mazoku seated cross-legged on a rock.

Zelgadis seemed too absorbed in his thoughts to notice the Jaganshi's approach, staring blankly down at his reflection, but the chimera surprised him. "Go away," he said hollowly.

Hiei stared at Zelgadis' back for a moment before responding. "Why?"

Zelgadis sighed and glanced at the diminutive demon over his shoulder, expression blank. "You're here about *him* aren't you?" He didn't think he'd need to specify who he spoke of. All he'd wanted to do was be alone for a little while. He supposed he should know better after all this time with Lina and Amelia that he'd never be left alone.

Hiei rolled his eyes. "No. I'm here about *you.*"

"Me?" Blue-slitted eyes blinked at him as if he wasn't used to people caring about him. "Why?"

"Why not?" Hiei responded, challengingly. "You seem to be under the impression that no one gives a shit."

Zelgadis glared. "You hardly know me. I don't see why you care." But it was true, wasn't it? he snapped at himself. Even the people he deemed as friends he never opened up to. Lina seemed to understand him, but he could never understand how because he surely never opened up to her. Gourry too, if at a more naive level. Amelia definitely did not, however much she thought she cared about him.

"I know more about you than you think," Hiei mused softly. Zelgadis reminded him of himself. He felt himself an abomination, just as Hiei had.

Zelgadis sneered. "So?" The connection seemed to have gone over the chimera's head completely.

"You're not an abomination, you know. Comparing yourself to a stupid social construction is ridiculous."

Zelgadis turned back to the lake. "I know what I am. You don't need to try to make me feel better about it."

Hiei sighed, deciding to sit on a boulder near Zelgadis'. "I considered myself an abomination for a long time, as well. I was left to die at birth, called a Forbidden Child."

Surprised, Zelgadis looked at the demon again with renewed eyes. At first he didn't want to believe Hiei, but he could see that the 'forbidden child' was speaking the truth and he didn't know what to say. No one had ever truly sympathized with him before. Amelia and Lina, they would feel sorry for him and try to make him feel better; Amelia by telling him he was good looking and Lina by helping him with the Claire Bible. But this was different. "You seem alright to me," he offered uncertainly.

"I was born because of the breaking of a taboo. A male fire demon born to an all-female race of ice demons. Their city of ice floats a mile above the ground, and I was thrown over the edge to die." Hiei shrugged. "Kurama was the first person to show kindness to me, healing me even though I had attacked him." The fire demon snorted. "Even so, I repaid him with insults. Kurama is a youko, and youko are well-known for deceiving and using people for their own gain. Like I would trust a youko."

Zelgadis listened intently to the story, but when Hiei paused he didn't know why at first. But he wasn't nearly as stupid as he was stubborn. Hiei's words echoed his own sentiments about Mazoku. About a Mazoku in particular. "But... you don't feel that way now," he commented slowly.

Hiei nodded. "I felt that way for a long time, though. I conspired with Kurama to take over the Ningenkai, and he repaid Yuusuke for saving his life by not only preventing me from killing him, but helping him defeat me. My punishment was to join Yuusuke, Kurama, and Kuwabara in protecting the Ningenkai. I felt, for a long time, that Kurama had betrayed me, and of course that reinforced my image of him as the big bad youko." Hiei shook his head. "But he was still kind toward me, and I cared about him whether I would admit it to myself or not. Yuusuke accepted me as well, even though he knew that I was a forbidden child, and even though I had tried to kill him and a close friend of his."

"What changed?" Zelgadis asked quietly, humbled at being told something obviously so close to the demon.

"No matter how rude I was to them, or how hard I tried to push them away, they didn't give up on me," Hiei answered softly. "And Kurama kept proving that he wasn't a typical youko, though I tried to ignore it." He chuckled softly. "In retrospect, I was terrified that if I allowed anyone close, it would set me up to be hurt again. I was afraid to trust, but you can't keep going relying only on yourself. They stuck on me, and eventually I had to force myself to see them for what they really were instead of through a filter of stereotypes, and I had to see myself as they saw me: not an abomination."

Zelgadis looked down again, back at his reflection. Through the stone, his feelings shown through, the sadness on his features acting as the humanity left inside trying to get out. "I'm not that brave. Xellos..." he added tentatively. "I keep waiting for him to reveal an ulterior motive, like usual."

Hiei snorted. "And you think that's not why it took me *years* to acknowledge what I felt for Kurama? I kept seeing ulterior motives even if there weren't any. It's easy to perceive them if you're looking for them."

"Xellos isn't Kurama," Zelgadis replied stubbornly before he actually thought about it.

"Right, he's a Mazoku, just as Kurama was a youko. But he's also been traveling with you guys for a long time. What's to say that humanity hasn't rubbed off on him like it did Kurama?"

Zelgadis thought about that, swallowing loudly. "He... has been acting differently lately, from when we first met him," he eventually admitted.

"Exactly. So how can you be so sure he still fits the Mazoku stereotypes?"

His heart was hammering in his chest. Zelgadis was truly terrified at the prospect. "I'm not. That's the frightening part. He's starting to convince me, only... I can't match this visage of him from the cheerful jokester I've always known. It doesn't seem like he's the same person. Or, maybe I never saw him for who he really is. Like, all this time he's been hiding his true self, from his master and people who could use it against him." He pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them, hiding his face. "That's what I want to believe. I've wanted to believe it for years. But I'm not naive. I don't believe in fairy tales. I can't, because it'll either get me killed or break my heart. I can't because I'm a coward."

Hiei sighed. "Kind of like how you've been hiding yourself from everyone because you think no one cares, right?" He shook his head. "You could be right, and you could be wrong, Zelgadis. Whatever it is, if he *is* hiding his true self from everyone, he's taking one hell of a risk in revealing himself to you as much as he has. He seems to be risking everything for you."

"Why?" Zelgadis asked, wishing he had the courage to ask the Mazoku in question. "The other Mazoku will see him as a traitor and kill him, like they did Gaav." Gaav, the perfect example that all Mazoku were not alike, because of his association with humanity. Gaav had been forced to become part human during the War of the Resurrection of the Demon King over one thousand years ago. When Xellos had been born. "Gaav was killed so easily by Phibrizo, and Gaav had nearly killed Xellos. If Xellas, Dynast, and Dolphin are that powerful... he doesn't stand a chance. Xellos isn't that stupid."

"Maybe that doesn't matter to him," he told him. "Honestly, the only reason I'm here is to tell you that only the opinions of people you consider friends matter, and your friends don't see you as a monster." Hiei stood. "Anything else is up to you."

Zelgadis nodded slowly. He had a lot to think about now, and he preferred to do that alone. "Thank you."

Hiei nodded, and left. He was confident that he had given Zelgadis enough to think about, and Zel had given him a few things to consider as well. He wanted to spend a quiet evening with Kurama more than anything, just to be around him and remind himself of how lucky he was to not be where Zelgadis was now.

TBC.

Someone commented on how Zel and Xel have such a tragic love. XD For being my OTP, I’m awfully mean to them, aren’t I?