Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Charming Smiling Guys/ Xellos’ Confession ( Chapter 29 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre Season Two
Episode Twenty-Nine: Charming Smiling Guys/ Xellos’ Confession
Story: Before I Let You Die
Story by: Nova-chan
MSTed by: Chrissy Sky

Notes: Xellos and Hakkai [Saiyuki] have the same voice actor [Ishida Akira] and act pretty much the same. This is more noticeable in the Saiyuki anime than the manga, and I’m not sure if it’s done on purpose or not…

- Some small town between Chang-an and India -

“Who’s that weird guy Hakkai’s talking to?” Goku asked around his food, golden eyes on said friend sitting across the room.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Sanzo snapped.

“He said that it was an old friend,” Gojyo said, giving the stranger a dark look. “I’ve never seen the freak before.”

“Hakkai can take care of himself,” Sanzo told him. “We don’t need to get involved.”

Gojyo grunted quietly and kept his eyes on the stranger. Something about the guy just wasn’t right…

Across the tavern, Hakkai was catching up on everything that had happened recently with his ‘old friend’ Xellos Metallium.

“So he kissed you?”

Xellos smiled, staring fixatedly down at his teacup. “Yes. He seems to have come to terms with whatever it is he’s feeling.”

“You two haven’t *really* talked about everything though,” Hakkai noted.

“No, I suppose not.” There were still things that Xellos feared about what he was feeling. He just didn’t want to admit it. “Enough with my love life. How is that water sprite of yours?”

“Gojyo’s fine,” Hakkai replied neutrally.

“So he’s still a slut.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far… but yes.”

Xellos giggled softly. “Perhaps you should try a different approach.”

Hakkai blinked. “What approach was I using before?”

“The ‘sit back and wait for him to notice your sexiness’ approach.”

Hakkai blushed slightly. “Oh…” He sipped his beer pensively.

“Have you tried making him jealous?” Xellos asked, after a moment’s thought.

“How? By hitting on Sanzo? I don’t feel like getting shot at today, Xellos-san…”

Xellos smirked and didn’t mention that the monk was not the only other member in Sanzo-ikkou. “Well, I do have one idea…” He leaned closer conspiratorially and, before Hakkai could react, kissed the human-turned-Youkai.

Gojyo, who had been watching the two closely, spat his beer out all over Goku.

- Ningenkai -

It was midmorning when Zelgadis walked back into the bedroom and found the trickster priest standing in front of the mirror. He let out a small sigh of relief. “There you are.”

Xellos turned his head, hands falling down to his sides. “Here I am.”

Zelgadis smiled shyly. “You disappeared again.”

“Aa. Sorry. I went to visit someone.”

“I see.” Zelgadis grinned and walked further into the room, sitting on the edge of the dresser. “You decided to try a new look?”

“Mm.” Xellos tightened the band holding his hair up. His bangs were still in his face, somewhat overshadowing his eyes. “What do you think, Zelgadis-san?”

He reached up and touched Xellos’ bangs with only a minimum of hesitation, adjusting the hair so he could see the Mazoku’s eyes better. “It’s cute.”

“You think so?”

Zelgadis nodded. “And, I don’t think you have to be so formal now. Just Zelgadis.”

Xellos opened his eyes and moved closer to the Chimera. “Zelgadis,” he said experimentally.

Zelgadis blushed at his tone. “So, where did you go?”

“I told you. To see someone.”

“But where? Who--?” Zelgadis was cute off as Xellos tilted his head and kissed him. It was only slightly not chaste, and for good measure Xellos rested his hands on Zelgadis’ thighs. When he pulled back, he grinned into surprised blue eyes.

“Shall we go to breakfast?”

Zelgadis blushed even more furiously. He knew his question had been evaded, but figured there was a reason Xellos didn’t want to tell him. So he let it go. “Wait. I had a thought.”

“Oh?” He leaned in again as if to get another kiss, but stopped just short. Zelgadis could feel Xellos’ breath against his face.

Distracted momentarily by this, Zelgadis paused before he answered. “What if we tricked the others into thinking we’re still fighting?” It had occurred to him this morning, when he had seen Lina in the kitchen. She’d seemed almost afraid to talk to him, and had worriedly asked him how he and Xellos were. Some mischievous voice in his mind spoke up. One that sounded a lot like the annoying Mazoku in front of him.

“Hmm. That suggestion is very unlike you, Zelgadis.”

Zelgadis raised an eyebrow. “You think so?”

“Hm. Maybe not that much. But it sounds like something I would come up with.” Xellos chuckled. “Perhaps we’ve been spending too much time in each other’s company.”

Zelgadis smiled. “Right now I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

“My,” Xellos giggled.

- Theatre -
[sitting from left to right: Kuwabara, Koenma, Yuusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Zelgadis, Xellos, and Lina]

Yuusuke: New look, Xellos?
Xellos: Ah, yes.
Kurama: It’s very charming.
Xellos: Thank you, Kurama-san.
Yuusuke: Made yourself look pretty for Zel?
Xellos: [mildly] Why in the name of the Beastmaster would I do that?
Others: [silent]
Xellos: [winks at Zel]
Zelgadis: [hides a smile]
Yuusuke: [whispers] Shit, they’re still fighting?
Hiei: [sighs] Maybe they really are hopeless.
Kurama: Let’s just leave them alone. They need to work this out on their own.
Hiei: Aa.

>Before I Let You Die

Hiei: I’ll make you wish you were.
Yuusuke: Whoa, it’s a normal fic!
Kurama: Good. I was getting tire of the script. No offense, Koenma.
Koenma: None taken. It was a nice change, though, for a little while.

>Author: Nova-chan ^_^

Zelgadis: Look, Xellos, she smiles like you.
Xellos: … I need to get a patent on that.
Yuusuke: Well, you already share it with people like Cho Hakkai and Kaworu Nagisa.
Xellos: Oh! Yes, I nearly forgot. [pulls out a photograph and hands it to Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: Huh? [looks at pic] [stares at pic] [stops breathing]
Koenma: Yuu-chan?
Yuusuke: No fuckin way. Xellos, how did you--?
Xellos: I work in mysterious ways.
Zelgadis: [smirks] More like annoying ways.
Xellos: Iya. [smirks back] You can be rather annoying yourself.
Zelgadis: I don’t make a living out of it.
Xellos: What? You think I get *paid*?
Lina: Okay, cut it out, you two. Why don’t you go and talk, like you were supposed to yesterday?
Zelgadis: We have nothing to talk about.
Xellos: Nope!
Hiei: [glares at them suspiciously]
Yuusuke: [holds his picture of the Sanzo-ikkou and Xellos worshipfully]
Kuwa: [snorts] Fanboy. Knock it off.

>E-mail: [expletive deleted]

Yuusuke: Damn it! Foiled again!
Koenma: We’ll survive somehow.
Yuusuke: [smiles, kisses his cheek] I can think of a few ways to.
Koenma: [grins] So can I.

>Series: Slayers

Yuusuke: Whoa.
Koenma: You know, I was kind of wondering if we were going to do one…
Lina: Cool! Our show!
Hiei: You won’t think it’s very ‘cool’ when they butcher your character.
Lina: Irk.

>Rating: G

Lina: For good?
Yuusuke: More like ‘Get the hell outta here now!’
Koenma: Actually, fics aren’t supposed to use movie ratings anymore.
Hiei: Why?
Kurama: People are anal and have far too much time on their hands. And, Americans are just obsessed with suing people.

>Summary: Umm.hmm.

Yuusuke: Excuse me, I think I’m going to shit my pants now.
Kuwa: That’s… new.
Hiei: To say the least.

>Disclaimer: Manga fruit belongs to Kimi-san!

Yuusuke: [Author] But the show belongs to me! Me!
Lina: Actually, don’t we belong to ourselves, really?
Yuusuke: I think I talked about this once…
Kurama: Yeah. Something about ‘Property of Togashi’ being stamped on your ass.
Koenma: [smiles] I’ve seen his ass. There’s no stamp.
Yuusuke: Except maybe yours. Remember that one time we did it in your office?
Kuwa: Ew! Koenma, I’m NEVER going into your office again. Forget it.

>**

Yuusuke: You want this one, Kurama?
Kurama: Sure. [sings] I would wish upon a star, but that star, it doesn't shine…
Hiei: [plays with Kurama’s hair]
Kurama: [smiles brightly]
Kuwa: Who was that?
Kurama: Blink 182.
Yuusuke: They’ve broken up now right?
Kurama: I believe so.
Yuusuke: Damn.
Kurama: I know.
Kuwa: You two got this weird music friendship… thing.
Yuusuke: It’s from all those damn stars.
Kurama: [snorts]

>Nova-chan: Welp, we're just gonna wait around until somebody gives me the characters. I'd put a summary up there, but I need the character's names first.

Hiei: What?
Kurama: … Author’s notes.
Hiei: Oh good grief.
Xellos: Yare yare.
Zelgadis: Don’t act so calm like this isn’t happening to you too!
Xellos: [sweat drops] Habit.
Zelgadis: [snorts]
Xellos: [rubs his leg against Zelgadis’]
Zelgadis: [hisses] Stop.
Hiei: [glares suspiciously] You two…
Xellos: Yes, Hiei-san?
Hiei: … You’re not really fighting, are you?
Xellos: Why, Hiei-san, whatever gives you that idea?
Hiei: [rolls his eyes]
Lina: Wait. You’re not fighting?!
Zelgadis: [smiles slightly] We’re not.
Yuusuke: [sighs loudly] Phew!
Kurama: [giggles] They’re already conspiring.
Lina: Oh god, Kurama. Don’t joke about that.
Xellos: Why, Lina-san?
Lina: The two of you working together? The thought sends almost as much chills down my spine as my sister’s very existence.

>Xelloss: So, basically, you told people you'd write a fic as soon as they gave you their favorite characters?
>Nova-chan: Yes. Yes I did.

Yuusuke: Well, I already know who the winners are going to be.
Hiei: Che. Obvious.
Kuwa: What’s with the different spellings for Xellos’ name?
Yuusuke: Good question, Watson!
Hiei: Oh god, there he goes…
Yuusuke: See, there are a lot of different translations for Slayers. The Central Park Media spellings for Zel and Xel’s names are with one S. However, it’s also common to see them spelled like Zelgadiss, Xelloss, Zeross, and so on. I’m not sure what the official spellings are, if there are any. In the Slayers fandom, it saves a lot of headaches if you just say they’re all right.
[room shakes]
Kuwa: Urameshi!
Yuusuke: Just ignore it.
Koenma: Yuu-chan…
Yuusuke: I didn’t know it’d do it over *spelling,* K-chan!
Kurama: You know what we need?
Hiei: Hm?
Kurama: A stop watch for when he goes into rant mode.
Hiei: [snickers]

>Zelgadis: (praying) Please don't let it be me, please don't let it be me-

Zelgadis: Oh, now we know it’s going to be me.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Gourry: Hey! There's more chicken under the couch!!

Lina: Oh no, she didn’t.
Zelgadis: Well, Gourry’s eaten some pretty gross stuff… like that Ogre meat.
Lina: It wasn’t UNDER A COUCH.
Zelgadis: [sweat drops]

>Zelgadis: (gazes at Gourry) Please don't let it be me and him, please don't let it be me and him-

Yuusuke: Actually, I’ve seen a few Zelgadis/Gourry fics around.
Lina: Heh. Must be because we put them in dresses all the time.
Zelgadis: [glares malevolently]
Lina: Oh come on! I bet Xellos enjoyed seeing you all gussied up.
Xellos: [smiles emphatically] Actually, I enjoyed it more when he took it all off!
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Xellos…
Xellos: Yes, honey bunny?
Zelgadis: [glares] I’m never going to win with you, am I?
Xellos: If it makes you feel better, you’re now my one great weakness.
Zelgadis: [surprised] Actually, it makes me feel worse.
Xellos: Iya…

>Lina: Well, at least Amelia and I don't have to worry!

Lina: [herself] Yeah, because people hate us!
Yuusuke: Well, they don’t…
Lina: I was being sarcastic.
Yuusuke: Oh.

>Amelia: Yeah! It's because the great and mighty Justice protect us!

Zelgadis: …
Lina: She doesn’t go on about justice all the time, you know.
Zelgadis: Just half of the time.
Lina: [glares]

>Zelgadis: :P

Xellos: Oh no, Zelgadis! Your face has been replaced by an emoticon!
Kurama: Quick! Give him CPR!
Zelgadis: Wha?!
Xellos: [leans closer]
Zelgadis: Xel! Stop!
Xellos: [winks] We’re just kidding.
Zelgadis: [blushes] I know, but…
Xellos: [pets Zel’s hair] It’s alright.

>Nova-chan: Don't worry. All we do now is.wait. MUAHAHAHA!!!
>Xelloss: ..bored yet?

Yuusuke: We are!
Hiei: Does that mean we can leave?
Kurama: Unfortunately, no.
Hiei: Meh. [sits in Kurama’s lap]
Kurama: [holds him close]

>Nova-chan: Yes.
>Valgaav: If I have to be in the stupid fanfic, I'll kill you, Nova-chan!!

Xellos: Ano… if Valgaav and I were in the same room, we wouldn’t be standing there calmly. We’d be trying to kill each other.
Lina: But you wouldn’t be bored!
Xellos: So true.
Yuusuke: Well, it doesn’t matter since it’s just author notes. At least… I think it is.
Koenma: Yeah. Where’s the actual fic?!
Hiei: It died a painful, gruesome death at the hands of those who were forced to MST it.
Lina: Hell yeah.

>Nova-chan: @_@ He called me -chan!!!
>Xelloss: It IS part of your name.

Yuusuke: Actually, it’s an honorific.
Kurama: Some fangirls make it apart of their pseudonyms.
Yuusuke: Still…

>Nova-chan: I know..but it is kinda silly to call Nova-chan -chan after threatening her?
>Zelgadis: The third person again. (sigh)

Zelgadis: My sentiments exactly.
Yuusuke: She sounds like Tot, in Weiss.
Kurama: Um. Ew. That little girl disturbs me so much.
Koenma: You can’t help but feel… dirty.
Kurama: I feel like gagging.
Yuusuke: Yeah.

>Phibbrizzo: Hi everyone! I took the day off just to come here and be with you! My friends..

Lina: The day off from WHAT? Being dead?!
Xellos: Technically, when Mazoku die we merge with Chaos.
Zelgadis: So, you don’t have an afterlife?
Xellos: Not really. Unlike humans, we don’t have a need for one.
Zelgadis: I see…

>Lina: We're thrilled. Really. We are.
>Phibbrizzo: ..you still owe me that chocolate bar.

Lina: And you owe me another backrub for tricking me! Little git.
Zelgadis: Actually, there’s something I’ve always wondered about…
Xellos: Hm?
Zelgadis: Why were you working for Phibrizo?
Xellos: Well, sometimes circumstances are taken out of a person’s hands and they can’t help but obey orders.
Zelgadis: What?
Xellos: [sweat drops] My master wanted me to keep an eye on him, basically. So she loaned me out to him.
Zelgadis: What, like a book rental?
Xellos: Pretty much.
Zelgadis: [glares darkly] I don’t think I like your master very much.
Xellos: [sweat drops]

>Lina: ..you remembered that???
>Phibbrizzo: Of course I did!! I am Hellmaster, the master of Hell. Hahaha!!

Xellos: No. The master of killing people at will.
Zelgadis: With little green marbles.
Xellos: You have to admit--it was quite impressive.
Zelgadis: And he was that powerful because he had no servants?
Xellos: Indeed! Phibrizo-san was the most powerful Lord. You can imagine our relief when he died.
Zelgadis: Probably as much as we were.

>Nova-chan: You know, you just don't seem like the evil type.

Lina: Um. Did you not watch Next?? The end? Killing all my friends? Tricking me into using the Giga Slave so he could cause the destruction of the world? How is that NOT evil?
Xellos: Well, from a certain point of view, it’s more cunning than evil.
Lina: Meh.
Xellos: He was a wicked card player.
Lina: [stares at him]

>Phibbrizzo: Is that my fault??
>Nova-chan: Umm..yes.

Xellos: That’s a very odd spelling of Phibrizo-san’s name though.
Yuusuke: Like I said--name spellings in Slayers are to be ignored.
Kurama: That can’t be right though.
Yuusuke: IGNORE! Grammar queen.
Kurama: Fine, fine.

>Phibbrizzo: But it's to fool those who would trust me and give me information!

Lina: [Phibrizo] Or, you know, let me hang around long enough for Gaav to show up so I can kill him.
Xellos: Yes, Phibrizo-san was much better at manipulation than even I.
Zelgadis: No wonder he freaked me out.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Nova-chan; If you say so.
>Phibbrizzo: What about him? (points at Xelloss) Does he seem like the evil type to you? I think not. We disguise ourselves, so that no one suspects..

Lina: Now wait just a second. Phibrizo might have seemed innocent at first, but Xellos was WAY too obvious that he was up to something.
Xellos: [sweat drops] Well, you seemed like you could use a hint.

>Nova-chan: OH-KAY!!! I don't need a lecture.

Lina: [Nova-chan] Because I might, like, learn something!
Koenma: No author riffs.
Lina: Poo.

>Gourry: Mmm! This chicken's great! I'm gonna look and see if there's more! (dives back under the couch)
>Amelia: Bleck! Mr. Gourry, please!!

Lina: [Amelia] Find your personality while you’re down there, Gourry-san!
Zelgadis: Well…
Lina: You say it, you die.
Zelgadis: [sweat drops]

>Dynast: I don't want to be here.
>Nova-chan: But you were a suggestion! You hafta be here, you silly biscuit!!

Xellos: … Did she just call Dynast-san a biscuit?
Lina: Silly bint.
Koenma: No author riffs.
Lina: That wasn’t a riff! It was an outright diss!
Koenma: Just don’t do it.
Yuusuke: Wait. How can Dynast be someone’s favorite character if they aren’t even in the series?! Dynast--and Dolphin--are never seen. And Xellas you only see twice. Once during the opening animation!
Kurama: People are strange.

>Dynast: Biscuit!!

Xellos: … I must remember to tell Dynast-san about this someday. He’d think it was funny.
Zelgadis: Yeah?
Xellos: Then he’d try to hit on me. I did mention he was a pervert, ne?
Zelgadis: You did.
Xellos: Just checking.
Kuwa: Well, since he’s not in the series, she could characterize him any way she wants, right?
Yuusuke: Within reason!

>Nova-chan: The Dynasty of Biscuit: the later years.

Hiei: Wow. I think we found someone more random than Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Hey!

>Dynast: ..

Xellos: [Dynast] Now I remember why I like to kill things and be an evil bastard…

>Nova-chan: Hey Dynast! Wanna learn the language of chicken nugget?
>Dynast: Erm..no.

Xellos: He doesn’t need to. Dynast-san has his own mating call.
Lina: Oh yeah?
Xellos: He crawls on the floor and sings “Love is Strange.”
Lina: … Right.
Xellos: He was pretty drunk at the time.
Lina: Heh.

>Nova-chan: Please?
>Dynast: No.
>Nova-chan: It's fun and educational!
>Dynast: I SAID NO, DARNIT!!

Hiei: Does anyone else feel like ramming their heads into the nearest wall?
Kuwa: Oh yeah.

>Nova-chan: :P Xelloss, wanna learn the language of chicken nugget?
>Xelloss: Oh-kay! Share with me your mysterious nugget language!

Zelgadis: [smirks at Xellos]
Xellos: [coughs in embarrassment]

>Nova-chan: ..later.

Lina: [Nova-chan] Like, next century, you scary freak.

>Xelloss: Oh-kay.
>Zelgadis: (Still praying that he won't be picked) I promise if you get me out of this, I'll never ever, ever roll anyone's house ever again!

Xellos: Why, Zelgadis. You never told me you participated in practical jokes.
Zelgadis: I’m a bit too old for Teepeeing.
Xellos: It’s a bit too juvenile for me as well.
Zelgadis: Your pranks are much more extravagant.
Xellos: [smiles]

>Amelia: (gasp) Mr. Zelgadis has taken part in TP-ing??? MR. ZELGADIS!! TP- ing is WRONG and INJUST!! HOW COULD YOU??

Zelgadis: Because I’m mean?
Xellos: She’s always so surprised when she finds out you’re not a nice guy…
Zelgadis I’m a nice guy! I’m just… mean too.
Xellos: [smiles] An equal balance of both, from what I’ve seen.
Zelgadis: [blushes slightly]

>Lina: This is almost as bad as the time she found out he was being bossy.
>Xelloss: Except that time she whined and cried until he explained that he wasn't really being bossy, but just using it as a figure of speech.

Lina: He is bossy.
Zelgadis: Hey!

>Valgaav: Hmph..what a freak. (shines his horn with dusting wax)

Zelgadis: [shifts uncomfortably]
Xellos: Zelgadis?
Zelgadis: It’s nothing.
Xellos: [grabs hold of his hand] Don’t pay it any mind.
Zelgadis: [smiles slightly]

>Kopii: Is this where the party is?

Lina: The fuck? Who’s that?
Yuusuke: Just smile and nod.
Lina: Unless she means “Copy”. Like Copy Rezo.
Yuusuke: You got me.

>Zelgadis: NO BEGONE!!!
>Kopii: I'll take that as a yes.
>Phibby: Hiya Kopii! Didja bring cho-co-late?
>Kopii: Uhhh..nope.

Yuusuke: Are we just not paying attention to this anymore?
Koenma: [points at Hiei and Kurama snogging] Nope!
Yuusuke: [snickers]

>Phibby: What about you, Dynast?
>Dynast: No. I don't have chocolate because if I DID, I would be EATING it before I would share it with a bratty kid like you.

Xellos: Iya. That’s more like Dynast-san.

>Phibby: (evil glow) You will PAY for your insubordination!!
>Xelloss: Go, Phibby, go!!
>Phibby: (blasts Dynast)

Xellos: If I called Phibrizo-san that, he’d be blasting *me.*
Yuusuke: Kids, it’s a script. It’s meant to be OOC and random.
Lina: Still… If we’re forced to read all this crap, can’t it at least be in character?

>Dynast: (fried to a crisp) Ow..
>Valgaav: Stupid mazoku #@$&!!

Xellos: Aww. That’s his pet name for me.
Zelgadis: [snorts]

>Nova-chan: Val-chan?
>Valgaav: What?
>Nova-chan: Hmm..oh, nothing.
>Valgaav: -.- Stupid annoying brat.

Yuusuke: [snickers]
Koenma: Yuu-chan.
Yuusuke: Oh come on, she said it.
Koenma: [shakes his head]
Xellos: [Valgaav] Die now.
Lina: Yeah. Val wasn’t the type of guy to put up with stuff like that…
Zelgadis: Well, there was Filia.
Lina: No. *We* put up with Filia. He listened to her talk for five minutes. Not the same thing.
Xellos: Right on, Lina-san!

>Zelgadis: (trying to shove Kopii out of the room) I'm sorry, but the party you're looking for is six houses east of the north pole! Go!!

Zelgadis: Just Ra Tilt him and get it over with! Dumb clone.

>Kopii: Nova-chan!!
>Nova-chan: Bad Zelgadis!
>Amelia: (gasp) Mr. Zelgadis! You were BAD???

Xellos: [giggles darkly] Oh yes. He’s very bad.
Zelgadis: [chokes]
Yuusuke: [laughs]
Lina: [stage whispers] Knew they’d be cute.
Hiei: [snorts]
Zelgadis: [blushes] Shut up, Lina.

>Lina: Here we go again.
>Gourry: Nova-chan? Did you restock the kitchen?

Lina: And if Gourry’s pigging out, I would be too.

>Nova-chan: Umm. (Rushes to put a bolt on the door to the kitchen) Muahaha! Now you will all DIE of starvation! HAHAHAHAH!!
>Xelloss: Won't you die too?
>Nova-chan: Yes, but it will be merely a minor setback. ^.^

Yuusuke: [snorts] Okay, Doctor Claw.
Kurama: More like Skeletor.

>Lina: I don't wanna die of starvation! Blast me! Torture me! Shoot me in the head! Just don't let me starve!!!!

Lina: …
Zelgadis: Actually, that kind of sounds like you.
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson beyond blood that flows--
Zelgadis: Okay! I’m sorry!
Lina: [smirks]

>Nova-chan: (Sigh) Oh-kay. (unlocks the kitchen)
>Dynast: Is anyone bored? I mean, besides me?

Everyone: [raises hands]
Koenma: Botan! Is there even a fic with this?
Botan: Er. Eventually, Koenma-sama. Sorry!
Koenma: Bah.

>Valgaav: I'm bored, you stupid mazoku.

Xellos: Ah, that’s the Valgaav I love to hate!
Zelgadis: … Need never wonder why Filia wants to keep you away from the baby.
Xellos: [sweat drops]

>Dynast: Besides you.
>Valgaav: :p
>Phibby: (gasp) I found Nova-chan's hidden supply of mints!!

Lina: [Phibrizo] Let’s poison them!
Kurama: Does this *ever* end?
Hiei: [smirks] Want me to distract you some more?
Kurama: [grins] Please.
Hiei: [sucks on his neck]

>Nova-chan: No!!! Leave my mints alone! I'm saving them for hurricane season!!

Yuusuke: [Nova-chan] I’m gonna use them to make a raft and sail the seven seas!

>Phibby: :P (eats a handful of mints)
>Nova-chan: NO!! They're mine, darnit!! (tackles Phibby)
>Xelloss: Yay!! Fight, fight, fight!!! Who's got the popcorn??

Kuwa: I didn’t know you liked Jerry Springer, Xellos.
Xellos: I used to watch it when it first started. But if you’ve seen one episode you’ve seen them all.
Yuusuke: That’s true.
Xellos: What I miss is Celebrity Death Match.
Yuusuke: Hell yeah.

>Dynast: Forty chocolate gumdrops says Phibbrizzo wins.
>Xelloss: You're on.

Lina: Um. Phibrizo. Hellmaster. Kills people with green marbles. HELLO?!
Xellos: [giggles] In reality, yes, she would not be a competition.

>Nova-chan: (punch, kick) That's for finding my mints!! (slap, pinch) That's for eating my mints!!
>Phibby: Oh, yeah?? (blast) That's for punching me! (whack) That's for kicking me!! (trip) That's for slapping me!! (steps on toe) That's for pinching me!!
>Nova-chan: Well, (elbow in face) that's for blasting me!

Lina: This is for making me read your stupid fic. FIRE--
Zelgadis: Lina. Stop.
Lina: Yes, mother.
Zelgadis: [rolls eyes]

>Zelgadis: This could go on forever.

Xellos: It hasn’t already?
Yuusuke: [snorts] Feels like it.
Koenma: Author’s notes should never go on this long. Nobody *cares.* Most readers hardly read them.

>Xelloss: Or until we run out of food. Then Lina will blast the entire room.

Lina: No… I’ll just go to the next tavern and eat all their food!
Yuusuke: You go, girl.

>Gourry: Ahhh..what great food your kitchen had, Nova-chan!
>Nova-chan: (stops) Did you eat it all?
>Gourry: (proudly) Yep!! Me and Lina ate every speck of food!

Lina: … Okay, like I said. Together, we’d do that. But alone? No way.
Zelgadis: [snickers] Your children are going to be scary.
Lina: [blushes furiously]

>Nova-chan: ;_; Again??
>Gourry: ^_^

Yuusuke: Uh oh. Gourry stole your face, Xellos.
Xellos: Bitch.
Hiei: [snorts]

>Xelloss: Hey! You can't do that! It's mine! It's an infringement of my personal rights to property!!

Xellos: …
Lina: [cackles]
Xellos: I said it a bit more…
Zelgadis: Xellos-y.
Xellos: Yes.

>Zelgadis: The "^_^" smile is not your property. It's an action.
>Xelloss: :p IT'S MINE!!

Xellos: And it shall be my squishy.
Yuusuke: [laughs]
Zelgadis: Huh?
Xellos: Oh, uh… Weird movie.
Zelgadis: O-kay.

>Nova-chan: Hey, I just checked the status of the votes!

Kurama: Does that mean we can leave soon?
Koenma: Apparently there’s still a fic to MST.
Kurama: Oh yeah. Fuck.

>Valgaav: You..did?
>Nova-chan: Yep! Phibby has four votes!!
>Phibby: What!! No!! I don't wanna be in the fic!

Lina: [Phibrizo] I wanna be a fireman instead!

>Nova-chan: But Xelloss, Zelgadis, and Gourry are all in the lead! I'm not sure which two'll be picked. Maybe none of them.

Lina: … Then why are we HERE?
Xellos: [pats her shoulder]
Yuusuke: Yeah, that’s about how it should be. Xellos and Zelgadis are *the* popular characters on the show.
Kurama: You’d think there’d be more slash.
Yuusuke: Funimation bought the rights from Central Park Media. There will be.
Kurama: [winces]
Xellos: Iya… My voice is going to be raped again.
Zelgadis: What?!
Xellos: [sweat drops] I don’t like my dub voice very much.
Yuusuke: He doesn’t mean actually raped.
Zelgadis: Oh…
Lina: [giggles] Overreact much?

>Valgaav: What about me??
>Nova-chan: You only have like two votes. And Dynasty over there only has one.
>Xelloss: Ha-ha!
>Zelgadis: This isn't happening!! AAAH!!!

Zelgadis: Oh come on. I don’t bitch that much.
Lina: Yeah. You bitch a lot, but not *that* much.
Zelgadis: [glares]

>Lina: At least I don't have to worry.
>Amelia: Me either!
>Nova-chan: Yes, but did you forget that we're about to do an MST?

All: …
Lina: Heh.

>Minna: NOOOOO!!!!!!
>Nova-chan: Yes! Muahaha!

Kurama: Oh look, another megalomaniac author.
Lina: [Gourry] Can you eat it?
Yuusuke: [snorts]
Lina: And no, not the other kind of eating, you pervs.
Zelgadis: [snickers]

>Xelloss: Whose is it this time?
>Nova-chan: Moro the wolf god's.
>Zelgadis: And what is that supposed to tell us, exactly?
>Nova-chan: Absolutely nothing!

Everyone: [turns to look at Xellos]
Xellos: … Yes, I realize that sounds like me.
Zelgadis: Just making sure you did.
Xellos: [sweat drops]

>Xelloss: Wolf god! She could serve my..

Xellos: … spoon.

>Lina: Here we go again.
>Xelloss: --wonderful and perfect Mistress, Master and Surveyor of all she Surveys, the Greater Beastmaster Zelas Metallium!! My mommy. ^.^

Xellos: She’d whack me herself if I went on like that. And called her “mommy.”
Zelgadis: She’s technically you’re mother though.
Xellos: Yes, but… I’m never quite that… orgasmic.
Hiei: [smirks] That comes later. [points at Zelgadis]
Both: [blush furiously]

>Zelgadis: You are strange.

Xellos: [sings] People are strange, when you’re a stranger. Faces look ugly when you’re alone…

>Xelloss: I love her so..
>Nova-chan: ^_^
>Xelloss: Hey!! You can't do that!! It's mine!!
>Nova-chan: :P

Xellos: [cont.] Woman seem wicked when you’re unwanted. Streets are uneven when you’re down. When you’re strange--
Kurama: We get it. Add where applies.
Xellos: [smiles]
Zelgadis: [whispers] You do have a nice voice.
Xellos: Yare yare. You think so?
Zelgadis: [nods]
Xellos: [grabs his hand again and gives it a squeeze]

>Xelloss: You can do that.
>Gourry: What happened to your hair, Nova-chan?

Koenma: Oh god. We’re never leaving here.
Yuusuke: This may be the one that finally breaks us.
Hiei: After twenty-nine of these things? Ha. I’m not going down now.
Kurama: [smiles warmly]

>Nova-chan: (big, squiggly eyes) You noticed???
>Gourry: Did you get attacked by vicious, heat-seeking lizard monsters from the bowels of the bad place?
>Nova-chan: ..

Lina: Ditto. What the fuck?
Yuusuke: Gourry-clone’s brain? Isn’t even intelligent enough to call jelly.
Lina: More like plankton.

>Xelloss: ^.^ It looks about like that's what happened!!

Zelgadis: He would have started teasing her about it long before then.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Nova-chan: ;_; My poor hair!!!!
>Amelia: Oh, Miss Nova-chan! Don't worry! I think it looks nice.
>Nova-chan: You do??
>Amelia: Of course! It's beautiful!

Xellos: Considering how her hair is…
Lina: Hey! No Amelia riffs either!

>Xelloss: It isn't Just to lie, Amelia.

Lina: You *would* point something like that out, naturally.
Xellos: [grins] One does one’s best!

>Amelia: Mr. Xelloss! How dare you accuse me, Amelia Wil Tesla de Seillune, of doing a horrendous and unJust thing such as lying! It is unJust to accuse someone when you have no evidential proof!

Xellos: What? Does she want police photos?
Lina: This bad characterization is ‘unJust’.

>Xelloss: My head hurts..I'm gonna go lie down so the pain of Justice will subside.. (leaves)
>Amelia: (following him) Justice HAS no pain, only goodness and love and wonderful kindness!!

Xellos: Actually, I do have a slight headache…
Zelgadis: [rubs the back of his head]
Xellos: Ohh! [squirms] That’s nice.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously]
Xellos: [leans closer]
Lina: [smiles at them] Considering her and her father’s attacks, that’s rather… um. Wrong! Come on. Visfarank? Boxing glove spell? She can take on a minor Mazoku with that one. Justice *hurts,* yo.

>Xelloss: Ohhhhh..my head..

Xellos: It’s not the Justice part. It’s the fact that she’s so *cheerful.*
Zelgadis: [snorts]

>Phibby: (sigh) Nova-chan, I think you broke part of my spine.

Lina: That’s not the real Phibrizo!
Xellos: Imposter!
Yuusuke: Let’s shave him.
Kurama: [snorts]

>Nova-chan: Want me to try again? I meant to break your entire body.

Lina: Uh huh. A little girl is going to take on Hellmaster Phibrizo. *I* couldn’t even beat the little fucker. And I’m, in my oh-so-humble opinion, the most powerful sorceress of the age.
Hiei: Sues.

>Phibby: Geez! Crabby.
>Nova-chan: Hmm? (pokes Zelgadis) I like crab! It tastes so yummy! I like crab claws!!
>Zelgadis: That's nice.

Kurama: [smirks] You know, poking can mean something else.
Zelgadis: Um. Ew?
Xellos: No! Only I may poke Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Xellos!
Xellos: Er. Sorry.
Hiei: [snickers] So, I guess you haven’t gotten to that point yet.
Zelgadis: No way!
Xellos: That, I think, is none of your business either way, Hiei-san.
Zelgadis: Yeah!
Hiei: [smirks]
Zelgadis: And, we… actually didn’t finish our talk.
Lina: Huh? Why not?
Zelgadis: The ducks were distracting.
Lina: Ducks?!
Zelgadis: The Astral Plane is very weird.
Lina: Well, since Xellos lives there, it’s not surprising.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Dynast: Can I go now? It was 'fun,' but I'd really like to get back to ruling the world!!! MUAHAHAHA!!

Xellos: Over my Master’s dead body he will.

>Minna: ..
>Dynast: Sorry.
>Nova-chan: You can't go. You have to stay until the characters are decided. I don't wanna use all of Nova-chan's energy summoning you again if you get picked.

Yuusuke: … Okay, Tot. Go and get killed by Farferello now. Bye!
Koenma: Yuu-chan.
Yuusuke: What? I’m not saying anything!
Koenma: [sighs] I give up…
Lina: Oh good. Now I can really lay it on her.
Koenma: No!
Lina: [giggles]

>Dynast: But I only had one vote!!
>Nova-chan: But you could get a million between now and then!!
>Dynast: ..no I couldn't!!

Yuusuke: Well, if this keeps going on forever, then he just might.
Xellos: [sings] This is the fic that never ends--
Zelgadis: Xellos. Don’t joke about that.
Xellos: Yare yare…

>Nova-chan: It's possible!! You could!!!
>Dynast: (huff) Fine! I'll stay until you get the results.
>Nova-chan: Yay! I love Dynast. ^.^
>Dynast: ..eww!!!

Kurama: [Dynast] Sue germs! She’s going to start writing me bad poetry and threatening to slit her wrists if I don’t love her back!
Koenma: Kurama--
Kurama: That *wasn’t* a riff on the author.
Koenma: Oh. Okay then.

>Nova-chan: ;_; Dynast no love Nova-chan?
>Dynast: EEE! NO.
>Zelgadis: Why do we have to wait so loooong??

Kurama: Okay, honey. If *you* even notice how long it’s going, it’s time to stop.
Hiei: Why didn’t anyone bring the liquor? Someone was supposed to bring liquor.
Kurama: Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: Um. Forgot?
Hiei: [glares]
Yuusuke: [gulps]

>Nova-chan: All right! Time to count the votes! Phibby has five!!
>Phibby: Woo-hoo! Yay me!
>Nova-chan: Dynast has one.
>Dynast: You see?? I told you!! I drove myself crazy for nothing!! I am leaving!! (teleports away)

Xellos: [Dynast] Beam me up!
Yuusuke: [snickers] I dare you to do that.
Xellos: Hmm. But Zelgadis would be sad if I go.
Zelgadis: Irk.
Yuusuke: Aww! How cute.
Zelgadis: Xellos…
Xellos: [whispers] Well, it’s true.
Zelgadis: [same] They don’t need to know that.
Xellos: [same] It’s not like we can keep anything else from them.
Lina: You know, for two guys who “haven’t really talked” yet…
Zelgadis: We haven’t!
Xellos: [quietly] We probably should though…
Zelgadis: [same] We will. Just, not right now.
Xellos: [wryly] You *want* to stay for this?
Zelgadis: Er. Well, it’s not fair to the others.
Xellos: This is true.

>Nova-chan: Val-chan has one!
>Valgaav: See ya! :P
>Nova-chan: Kopii has one!
>Kopii: ;_; Poor me. Bye everyone!!
>Zelgadis: Good riddance!!
>Nova-chan: Zelgadis has-

Yuusuke: A really big--
Xellos: Yuusuke-san.
Yuusuke: Oh right. You haven’t gotten to that point yet.
Zelgadis: What?
Xellos: Nothing, dear. He just thinks he’s being funny again.
Yuusuke: Hey! I *am* funny!
Xellos: [smirks]
Yuusuke: Why you--
Koenma: Yuu-chan. He’s trying to get to you.
Yuusuke: It’s working.
Koenma: [kisses his cheek] Calm down. You’re very funny.
Yuusuke: Damn straight. [leans against him]

>Zelgadis: (gulp)
>Nova-chan: --nine!
>Zelgadis: NOO!!!!

Yuusuke: What, Lassie? Did Qui-Gon die again?
Kurama: That’s just random.
Yuusuke: [shrugs]
Xellos: I did mention something about this a moment ago…
Yuusuke: Shut up!
Zelgadis: [whispers to Xel] He’s just jealous of your skills.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Nova-chan: Yes!! Hahaha!! Xelloss has thirteen.

Xellos: How very… appropriate.
Zelgadis: You’re bad luck?
Xellos: Well, some have said my presence is.
Zelgadis: [snorts] Well, it wasn’t us. Bad things happen to us all the time anyway.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Zelgadis: Really?? (gets happier) Maybe I won't have to do it after all!!

Zelgadis: And maybe we can leave right now without having to read the rest of this.
Koenma: Fat chance.

>Nova-chan: And, finally, Gourry Gabriev, keeper of the sword of light, hair the color of the richest corn silk, legs the strength of-

Lina: Whoa.
Zelgadis: [smirks] Getting ideas, Lina?
Lina: [glares] Hardly. Unlike you did when Xellos wore that kilt.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously, coughs]
Xellos: [sweat drops] My, I didn’t think I looked *that* bad…
Zelgadis: You didn’t.
Xellos: [smiles]

>Lina: OH-KAY!! JUST TELL US HOW MANY VOTES HE HAS, DANGIT!!!
>Nova-chan: Oh-kay. Goo-chan has eight!
>Zelgadis: NOOO!! NOO!! NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Zelgadis: [himself] … Hey, is that my lung?
Xellos: [throws head back and laughs]

>Gourry: I feel so unloved.

Hiei: Lina will make you feel loved.
Lina: Oi!

>Zelgadis: I feel so unlucky!! I beat him by ONE point!!! Why????

Yuusuke: Fate. Can’t fight fate.

>Nova-chan: Amelia!! Tell Xelloss that he won!!

Xellos: I left?
Zelgadis: You should’ve gone further apparently.
Xellos: Indeed.

>(talking is heard in other room)
>Xelloss: (runs in, acting as if he is unhindered by Amelia's previous speeches) I won!! You're kidding!! No!
>Nova-chan: Yes! You and Zel-chan won!
>Xelloss: Zel-kun? Yay!!

Lina: You know, when I first read that, I thought it said, “You won Zel-chan.”
Xellos: [giggles]
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>Zelgadis: Gods, help me.
>Nova-chan: Time to start the ficcie!!!

Yuusuke: No, let’s waste more of our lives.

>Zelgadis: What are you gonna make me DO??? This had better not be a yaoi, and I'm serious.
>Nova-chan: It's not! No need to get your shorts in a rut!
>Zelgadis: Good.

Zelgadis: Yaoi?
Xellos: Two men together.
Yuusuke: Seems like your Zel-clone-muse-thingy doesn’t like the idea of you two as an item.
Zelgadis: Hm.
Hiei: Well, *you* were in denial for a long time.
Zelgadis: I’m, er, over it.
Hiei: About time too.

>**

Xellos: [sings] Sometimes I wish upon a star…
Yuusuke: Hey! That’s mine and Kurama’s shtick!
Kurama: [licking Hiei’s ear] If he wants it, I don’t mind.
Hiei: [purrs]

>The sun was brightly shining in the sky. Birds fluttered in the treetops, small animals cluttered through the woods.

Yuusuke: [Mother Nature] Young man, pick up these small animals immediately! They’re cluttering the forest!
Koenma: [son] Yes, ma’am.
Kurama: That was lame. But point taken.
Yuusuke: Heh.

>Lina Inverse was on the search for none other than food that particular day. Nothing could hinder her. Nothing could make her stop!

Lina: Yes! Because we all know I obsess about nothing other than FOOD!
Zelgadis: And not treasure and new magical techniques.
Lina: Yeah.
Kurama: You do eat a lot, Lina.
Lina: That’s not the point! I’m a growing girl, I need to eat… a lot…
Xellos: Lina-san. You did want to eat a poisonous lake dragon all by yourself.
Lina: [pouts] Sure, remind me of my failures.

>"Lina!" Gourry whined. "I'm hungry."

Yuusuke and Xellos: Hi, Goku!

>"Get over it!!" she snarled back at him over her shoulder. She wouldn't stop. Not for anything! The nearest town was a mere three miles! She refused to slow down!!

Kuwa: If she’s on the search for food, and if Gourry’s hungry, why is she telling him to get over it?
Hiei: When she’s clearly not over it herself.
Kuwa: Exactly!
Kurama: It probably would have been better to say something like, “I know!” or “Same here!”
Lina: I know I’m kinda mean to Gourry sometimes, but… am I that bad?
Zelgadis: I don’t think so.
Lina: No?
Zelgadis: Well… Not as bad as I was with Xellos.
Xellos: [smiles slightly]

>Zelgadis, on the other hand was minding his own business, as he usually tried to do.

Zelgadis: [himself] Must think about something important, must think about something important… Nope, nothing’s coming to mind.
Yuusuke: [snorts]

>Little did he know that he was about to be involved in a major event, one that would punish him mentally and physically.

Yuusuke: He and Xellos were going to get into BDSM?
Zelgadis: What?
Xellos: Er. It might be best if that isn’t explained.
Zelgadis: Right…

>Squick!

Yuusuke: Looks like somebody found the rare slash pairings.
Kurama: Oh dear.

>Yes. He stepped on a worm.

Kurama: Wormtail?
Koenma: Wormtongue?
Yuusuke: Worm… damn. Do we know anybody else that has something to do with worms?
Xellos: Chin Yisou.
Yuusuke: Oh yeah… worm demon. Right.

>"Oh, great," he grumbled. "Just when I thought nothing could go wrong today." He rubbed some of the slime off in the grass and continued on his way.

Lina: And that, kids, is known as a hit and run.
Zelgadis: Hey!

>Gourry, who had been following Zelgadis and bit, walked slowly forward.
>"Henry!!" he cried. "Henry?? Where are you??"

Hiei: This doesn’t bode well.
Lina: [gapes] You mean…
Hiei: Yeah.
Lina: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

>Upon discovering the squished worm, the swordsman's eyes grew teary.
>"HENRY!!!!!!!"

Yuusuke: Wa-wa-waaaa…
Lina: That’s… so random.
Zelgadis: My head hurts for Gourry.
Hiei: My head hurts for *us*.
Kurama: [licks Hiei’s collarbone]
Hiei: [giggles] That tickles…
Kurama: [chuckles]

>**

[silence]
Yuusuke: Got nothing.
Kurama: Screw it.
Hiei: [smirks] I’d rather screw something else.
Kurama: [coyly] Is that so?
Zelgadis: [rolls his eyes] Geez…
Xellos: [licks Zel’s ear lightly]
Zelgadis: [gasps]
Lina: Zel?
Zelgadis: Er. Nothing.
Lina: Right…
Xellos: [giggles]

>Way in front of the group was Lina. There were only about two miles left, but her feet were killing her, so she decided to slow down and take a break.

Yuusuke: What about the oh-so-important search for food?
Lina: I expect it’ll have to be called off so we can save the world again.
Yuusuke: That’d make more sense.

>Resting on a rock, she pulled off her shoe and dumped out the pile of smaller rocks that had somehow gotten themselves in there. Once she had finished, she did the same with the other shoe.

Lina: Um. [holds up her leg] I wear boots, people.
Xellos: [giggles] You have such shapely legs, Lina-san!
Lina: Er. Xellos. Boyfriend. Next to you.
Xellos: [blinks, clueless] Did I say something inappropriate?
Zelgadis: [snorts] Probably.
Xellos: Yes, that does happen to be my intention sometimes…

>Amelia sat on the rock beside her. "Miss Lina," she wondered, "Why are you walking so fast?"

Lina: [herself] Amelia. I’m sitting.

>"Isn't it obvious??" Lina yelled. "I'm HUNGRY!!"
>The oujo sighed. "But, poor Mr. Zelgadis can't keep up!!"

Lina: [herself] Tell him I’ll spring the money so he and Xellos can have their own room.
Zelgadis: Ha. You expect me to believe that, woman who was raised by stingy merchants?
Lina: [raspberries]

>"Well, if he chooses to be slow and allows himself to be attacked and killed by bandits, it's purely his choice."

Zelgadis: I feel the love.
Lina: That must be the fruitcake, not me.
Yuusuke: [Gourry] Does he taste good?
Zelgadis: Er…
Xellos: [bats eyelashes] Do I?
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Stop it.
Xellos: [mock pouts] Aww. Zel-chan doesn’t think I’m tasty.
Yuusuke: [snickers]
Zelgadis: I didn’t say that! Just…
Xellos: Just?
Zelgadis: [does look at him] I just don’t want to talk about this stuff in public.
Xellos: So, I *am* tasty, Zel-baby?
Zelgadis: *Baby*??
Xellos: I’m trying out different nicknames, seeing which ones you’ll let me get away with.
Zelgadis: … Okay.
Xellos: [smiles]

>Amelia gasped. "You don't think that could really happen, do you????"

Lina: [herself] In our line of work? Sure.
Kurama: And four questions marks is three too many.
Yuusuke: Right on, grammar queen.
Kurama: [glares]
Hiei: [kicks Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: Ow!
Koenma: Hey!
Hiei: He started it.

>Without bothering to hear the answer to the question, she hopped up and ran after Zelgadis, who was trailing behind.

Lina: Trying to have a moment alone with Xellos.
Zelgadis: That’s… really not the sort of thing I want Amelia walking in on.
Xellos: [grimaces] Neither do I.
Lina: [giggles] It’s bound to happen.
Xellos: [whispers] We’d best remember to lock the door.
Zelgadis: [same] What if she breaks it down?
Xellos: [same] Oh my… Good point.
Zelgadis: [sighs]

>**

Yuusuke: That was a short scene.
Hiei: Good.

>Trailing much farther behind all the others was Gourry, still squatting over his squashed worm, and sniveling.

Lina: Uh… huh.

>Xelloss, who had been floating back and forth between Amelia and Zelgadis, appeared behind the blond.

Yuusuke: Xellos, you two-timer.
Xellos: [mildly] I do believe that sleeping with Amelia-san would kill me. Literally. All that cheerfulness is too much for one Mazoku to take.
Zelgadis: [gives him a strange look]
Xellos: [smiles] Though she’s very sweet, Amelia-san is hardly my type anyway.
Zelgadis: [snorts] I hope not.

>"Whatcha doin, Gourry?" he wondered.

Xellos: … Slang?
Zelgadis: [in imitation of Xellos] Yare yare.
Xellos: [giggles]

>Gourry slowly turned around, staring at the mazoku with big, googly eyes, brimming with tears, causing Xelloss to back up a step.

Lina: [Xelloss] The cute! Must run!

>The swordsman suddenly glomped Xelloss, tackling him, and cried, "HENRY'S DYING!!!"

Xellos: [blinks]
Yuusuke: I’ve seen Gourry/Xellos too.
Xellos: [stares at him]
Zelgadis: [mildly] Everybody wants Xellos, I guess.
Xellos: Mou. [leans his head on Zelgadis’ shoulder]
Zelgadis: [blushes]
Xellos: Just because I’m a walking sex god…
Lina: [laughs]
Zelgadis: Xellos…
Xellos: [grins cheerfully] Zelgadis?
Zelgadis: [shakes his head] Nothing.

>"Gourry," the monster squeaked, "can't breathe."

Zelgadis: Do you need to breath?
Xellos: Well… In this form, yes.
Zelgadis: I see.

>"Oh, sorry," Gourry said, sheepishly, pausing from his hysteria. He got up, brushed himself off, and held out his hand to Xelloss, pulling him up.

Lina: He knocked him over?!
Yuusuke: [laughs] Splendor in the grass.
Lina: There will be NO splendor in the grass with Gourry, thank you.
Zelgadis: Unless it’s yo--
Xellos: Zelgadis. Please.
Zelgadis: [sighs] Oh alright… You used to like causing chaos.
Xellos: I do. As long as it doesn’t involve you being torched.
Zelgadis: [grumbles] Not like it’ll do anything permanent.
Xellos: Zelgadis-san… Please don’t say things like that.
Zelgadis: [doesn’t reply]

>"There. All better." He smiled. "SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL HENRY!!!!" the blond wailed.

Xellos: If you squash a worm in the woods, does it make a sound?
Lina: Yeah. “Squick!”

>"Who's Henry?" Xelloss asked, preparing himself for another tackle should it occur.

Yuusuke: [smirks] Preparing how?
Xellos: Erm… Preparing to hit him with my staff?
Yuusuke: Damn, you move quick, boy.
Xellos: [blushes] Not that staff, Yuusuke-san.

>"He was my pet worm," Gourry sniffled. "He ran away and somebody..STEPPED on him!!"
>"Um..oh-kay.." The mazoku stared at him, unbelievingly. "And you're upset by this?"

Lina: Xelloss pretty much surmised my feelings about this whole thing.
Xellos: Indeed.

>"It was HORRIBLE!!!!" Gourry glomped him again. "I wanna have a proper burial for him as soon as he passes."

Kuwa: [Gourry] And I want everyone to dress in scantily clad skirts and do crazy dancing to Lucy Lawless’ singing!
Yuusuke: Oi.

>"Humans," Xelloss said to himself. "Oh-kay. We'll have a burial for..Henry."

Xellos: [himself] And the other worms can eat him!
Lina: [Gourry] Whaaa!

>"Oh-kay." The swordsman picked up the worm's lower half that was un- squished. "Here. You hold him. It's..it's too painful for me!!!"

Xellos: [wrinkles his nose] I feel… dirty.
Zelgadis: On the bright side, at least you’re wearing your gloves.
Xellos: There is no bright side, sweet heart. Gourry-san’s character has been raped, Lina-san’s obsessed with food so much that she apparently can’t remember how to go fishing, I’m speaking in slang, and you’re a worm killer.
Zelgadis: [still blushing over the nickname] Right…

>With that, he flung the worm at Xelloss, hitting him in the face with it, and ran toward the direction of Lina.

Xellos: [makes a strange disgusted sound and covers his face]
Zelgadis: [pats his head gently]

>The priest slowly peeled the worm off of his face and stared at it, cringing, then decided to follow Gourry anyway.

Xellos: Because it’s not every day I reach such low levels.

>**
>"Mr. Zelgadis!!!" Amelia cried, clinging onto him. "You should never ever go off by yourself like this!!!" She sniffled. "What would I do if you were killed??"

Zelgadis: That… would be almost in character, if not for the clinging.
Lina: Maybe she’s a fan of you and Amelia together?
Zelgadis: [grimaces]
Yuusuke: A fairly popular couple. It’s possible. Not everyone shares our… unique outlook.
Zelgadis: Heh.

>"Umm.get over it?" Zelgadis suggested.

Yuusuke: Wa-wa-waaa…
Zelgadis: Am I *that* mean?
Lina: Not usually, no.
Zelgadis: Okay…
Xellos: [kisses his cheek] You’re very sweet, my reason for living.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Will you quit that?
Xellos: The nicknames or the kissing?
Zelgadis: [blushes more] The nicknames.
Xellos: So you don’t mind when I kiss you?
Zelgadis: Of course I don’t!
Xellos: That’s good to know.
Zelgadis: [gives him an odd look]

>"No! I would die myself," the princess replied, clinging tighter.

Zelgadis: And snapping a few of my bones in the process.

>"Now no wandering off! I'm going to go talk to Miss Lina about leaving you behind."

Lina: Because I can apparently make him speed up?
Zelgadis: Well, if you were throwing fireballs at my ass, you could.
Lina: [laughs]

>The chimera sweatdropped. "You do that."
>Gourry came running up at that moment, crying his eyes out.
>"What's wrong, Gourry?" Zel asked, casually.

Zelgadis: Because seeing one of my best friends crying totally doesn’t faze me.

>"He's dying!!!" the blond burst out.
>"Who's dying??" Zelgadis inquired.

Kurama: Everyone, technically. Except for people like Koenma and Xellos.
Koenma: Hm. [pulls Yuusuke a little closer]

>Gourry was too overcome by his sorrows to answer, and merely pointed at Xelloss, who was holding Henry, and then ran away, bawling.

Xellos: [eyes widen as he realizes] Oh dear…
Lina: What?
Xellos: Hiei-san was right. This doesn’t bode well at all.

>The chimera stared at Gourry, then at Xelloss, and his conscience began to eat away at him.
>Running over to the mazoku, he began to feel a sense of compassion throb through his veins.

Yuusuke: And heat throb through his loins.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously] Hey!
Yuusuke: [snickers] Sorry. Too obvious.

>"Xelloss!!" he yelled, coming to a halt.
>"Zelgadis!!" Xelloss returned, trying to make the same expression as his comrade.

Kurama: Janet!
Yuusuke: Brad!
Xellos: Rocky!

>"I didn't know!!"
>"Neither did I!!!"

Xellos: … This is embarrassing.
Zelgadis: [jaw drops] You mean that I--he thinks that you’re--
Xellos: Apparently.
Zelgadis: Oh this is just--
Xellos: Embarrassing.
Zelgadis: No one even attacked you!
Xellos: Well, Gourry-san did.
Zelgadis: [snorts]

>"And all these years, I was mean to you!" Zel went on, dramatically. "I..I'm gonna make it up to you! Until you die, you and I are gonna be the best of friends! I will do anything you want to do!"

Yuusuke: [falls over laughing]
Xellos: [himself; suggestively] Anything, you say?
Yuusuke: [laughs harder]
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>Xelloss should have looked shocked and slightly amused, but decided to take advantage of the situation instead. "Oh-kay," he said grimly. "If I can, that is. I don't know how much of me is left.."

Yuusuke: Oh god! [laughs more]
Lina: You would egg on something like this.
Xellos: A divine opportunity like this to get Zelgadis into bed after all this time? It’d be a crime to pass it up.
Zelgadis: [blushes] You… don’t need an excuse now.
Xellos: [smiles] No… No, I suppose I don’t.
Kurama: [giggles] How cute.
Zelgadis: [glares at everyone else] Shut it.

>**
>"Gourry. Stop it." Lina rolled her eyes. "Why don't you find a new worm?"

Yuusuke: Why not a puppy?
Lina: They cost too much to feed.
Zelgadis: See? Stingy.
Lina: At least my family members never tried to destroy the world.
Zelgadis: [glares]

>Gourry stopped his crying and gasped at this newfound idea. Jabbing a hand into the ground, he pulled it back out with a handful of dirt and a worm.
>"I'll name her..Henrietta! In remembrance of Henry," he announced.

Yuusuke: You know, I’m starting to think she’s referencing something that’s totally flying over my head.
Hiei: [smirks] So she *is* more random than you.
Yuusuke: [pouts] Shut up! It proves nothing!

>"How do you know it's a she, Mr. Gourry?" Amelia wondered.
>"Well, you see..I do not know."

Lina: [Gourry] Since, you know, worms have the reproductive organs of both sexes…
Others: [snort]

>Amelia and Lina sweatdropped.
>Zelgadis and Xelloss walked up to the group, Xelloss leaning over his staff a bit more than usual.

Lina: [herself] Sprang your ankle, Xellos?
Xellos: [himself] Indeed. I’ll soon die of exposure.

>"Hey! Ready to get lunch?" Lina asked, energetically. "The next town's only- " She was cut off.
>"How can you think of food at a time like this??" Zelgadis demanded.
>"How can I not?" she replied.

Lina: [herself] Yeah, death always makes me hungry!
Xellos: [throws his head back and laughs]
Zelgadis: [smirks] You *would* appreciate that joke.
Xellos: [giggles]

>"You just don't understand!" the chimera argued. "Xelloss is-"

Yuusuke: Pregnant.
Zelgadis: The Witch-King.
Kurama: The Half-Blood Prince.
Yuusuke: [groans] No no. We’re not talking about that.
Kurama: [snickers]
Hiei: He’s just mad about Sna--
Yuusuke: No talking! And, I’m not mad about that.
Hiei: Sure.
Yuusuke: I’m not! Actually, I was mildly proud of him. And we’re *not* talking about this.

>"I don't care!" Lina interrupted. "Food is two miles away! We. Are. Going!! NOW!!!"
>So, Zelgadis remained silent. Who can argue with a hungry Lina and survive, unscathed?

Zelgadis: No one.
Xellos: [giggles]
Lina: Well…
Zelgadis: Well?
Lina: [shivers] My sister.
Zelgadis: Ah. ‘Nuff said.

>The dragon spooker ran off in a cloud of dust toward the town, Gourry and Amelia not too far behind.

Lina: I pick up the strangest nicknames…
Zelgadis: “Bandit killer”? What’s strange about that? It’s true!
Lina: [flushes] Well, a sorceress has to do what a sorceress has to do…
Xellos: Well said, Lina-san!
Lina: You’re not helping.
Xellos: My…

>"Well, I guess we'd better catch up," Zelgadis suggested.
>"Ohhhhh." Xelloss fake-groaned. "I'm much too tired to keep going! Won't you carry me?"

Xellos: Go, me-clone!
Zelgadis: [glares] Xellos…
Xellos: [smiles] Well, it sounds like a good idea.
Zelgadis: [blushes]
Hiei: Che. Now they have an overabundance of cute moments.
Kurama: [rubs Hiei’s belly] Oh dear. We’ll have to do something about that.
Hiei: [smirks and takes hold of Kurama’s hands] Baka imp.

>"Umm.oh-kay," Zel slowly answered.
>"Yippie!" the mazoku shrieked, jumping onto Zelgadis in a piggyback position. "Let's go!"

Xellos: …
Zelgadis: There goes my back.
Xellos: I… am rather disappointed.
Kuwa: Huh?
Xellos: Well, I had something different in mind…
Zelgadis: What?
Kurama: [giggles] He wanted you to carry him gallantly in his arms.
Xellos: [grins] The thought of Zelgadis’ strong, hard arms around me sounds delicious, yes.
Zelgadis: [hides his face]

>Zelgadis sweatdropped. What have I gotten myself into? he asked himself.

Yuusuke: Hopefully some hot sex.
Xellos: [simpering] Zelgadis-san, will you have sex with me? I don’t want to die a virgin!
Zelgadis: [muffled snickers]

>**
>Finally, everyone arrived in the town and were seated around a big table in a restaurant, happily awaiting their food, although Zelgadis had a slight backache.
>He had ordered coffee, as usual, and was looking quite forward to it.

Kurama: That might not help your headache, Zel.
Zelgadis: Unless I was having caffeine withdrawal.
Kurama: That’s true…

>Of course, something else decided to distract him first.

Zelgadis: Life?
Lina: [smirks] Worse. Xel put that kilt on again.
Zelgadis: [blushes] Well, that would be distracting…
Lina: Especially if he’s not wearing anything underneath again.
Zelgadis: [blushes more]
Yuusuke: [smirks] Hey, Zel. Did you really *not* see how, ah, well-endowed your boyfriend is that day?
Xellos: Yuusuke-san. That’s rather rude to ask.
Yuusuke: [pouts] Aww.
Zelgadis: [quietly] Thanks.
Xellos: [same] Did you?
Zelgadis: [same; blushes] … Well. Erm.
Xellos: [same] If it displeases you, I can change it.
Zelgadis: What?!
Xellos: [nods] My human form takes on the image of whatever I wish it to. You know this.
Zelgadis: Yeah, but… [blushes] You don’t have to change it. It’s fine.
Xellos: [smiles] Really? It pleases you?
Zelgadis: [blushes]
Hiei: We *can* hear you, you know.
Both: [shut right up]
Others: [snicker]

>"Zelgadis, buddy, pal," Xelloss mused, "I need a pillow. And a massage! And a coconut!"

Yuusuke: [sings] You put the lime in the coconut…
Koenma: Lime? What about a lemon?
Yuusuke: [snickers] That should be what Xellos asks for. Hell, it might even ‘cure’ him.
Xellos: Chimera semen has healing properties? That’d save on hospital visits.
Zelgadis: [blushes furiously]
Hiei: [smirks] In that case, I wouldn’t knock a good massage. It could lead to other things…
Xellos: [hums thoughtfully]
Zelgadis: I doubt I’d be very good…
Xellos: I bet you would be.
Zelgadis: But my hands--
Xellos: Are just fine. [takes his hand again]
Zelgadis: [stares at him]

>"Forget it. Go get it yourself. Conjure it up or whatever it is you do," Zelgadis replied, leaning back in his chair a bit.

Lina: That’s more in character.
Zelgadis: [snorts] Well, we are talking about the guy who bought a hammock in two seconds.
Kuwa: And took a trip around the world in one week.

>"But-but!!" The monster sniffled. "I'm dying!!!!! I could go any second in fact. Do you want the last few moments of my short, short life to go by feeling rejected because of you?????"

Kurama: Ouch.
Yuusuke: Yeah, that is kind of harsh.
Kurama: No, I meant all those extra question marks and exclamation points.

>Zel's conscience once again played the villain.

Yuusuke: Like Tony Todd.
Xellos: Robert Englund.
Yuusuke: Brad Dourif.
Xellos: Christopher Lee.
Yuusuke: Vincent Price!
Xellos: Bela Lugosi!
Kurama: Enough. You’re both dorks. Now knock it off.
Hiei: Notice how all of those are from horror movies.
Kurama: [nods] Incorrigible.

>"I'll get it! Hang on!! Don't die yet!!!!" he cried, rushing to get a pillow and a coconut.

Xellos: [himself] So you *want* me to die!
Zelgadis: No I don’t!
Xellos: Er. That was a joke, Zelgadis.
Zelgadis: … Oh.
Xellos: [moves closer, puts his head on Zel’s shoulder again]

>He found the pillow in his hotel room, but the coconut was a different story altogether.

Kurama: And one best left out of *this* story.
Koenma: You wish.

>Zelgadis searched all over the small town to find the tropical fruit. He finally found a small trading cart that had one in stock. The owner, however, didn't particularly feel like parting with the coconut.

Lina: … Then why is it on the cart?
Hiei: Don’t think about it too much.
Kurama: It’ll save you a headache.
Lina: Ugh.
Hiei: Already have one?
Lina: Since the whole Gourry/worm thing.
Koenma: [passes the aspirin]

>"What if I give you.my manga fruit?" the chimera offered.
>"Nope, sorry," the salesman replied, with a shake of his head.
>"My manga fruit and my hot tamales?"
>"No."
>"My manga fruit, my hot tamales, my rubber band collection, and my pet rock?" Zel wondered.

Zelgadis: The fuck? Not only is it utterly ridiculous for a sorcerer to carry all that crap, but I *am* a pet rock!
Yuusuke: [laughs]
Xellos: Zelgadis…
Zelgadis: [blushes] Well, it’s true.
Xellos: [sternly] Stop it.
Zelgadis: What?
Xellos: Stop insulting yourself. If you insist on doing it, do so when I’m not around to hear it.
Zelgadis: [stares]
Xellos: [lays his head back on Zel’s shoulder]

>The man merely shook his head and closed his eyes.
>"My manga fruit, my hot tamales, my rubber band collection, my pet rock, my fish tank, my cremated stamps, my-"

Xellos: Good grief.
Yuusuke: My Hentai videos.
Kuwa: Yuusuke’s anime collection.
Yuusuke: Hey!

>**
>Finally, wearily, Zelgadis made his way back to the inn and flopped himself into a chair next to Xelloss, and tossed the mazoku the pillow and the coconut.
>"Hmm?" Xelloss wondered. "Oh, no thanks, Zel-kun. I don't need it."

Kurama: Knew it.
Hiei: Trite.

>Zelgadis' eyes cracked with red lines.

Lina: Look out! A piece of Shabranigdu was put into his eyes too!
Zelgadis: Lina. That is *not* funny.
Lina: [raspberries]
Kurama: Eyes don’t crack. That makes them sound like a piece of crockery.

>He grabbed Xelloss by the collar. "I LITERALLY had to sell myself into slavery to get you that stupid coconut!!!!! Take it. Do whatever it is you were going to do with it!!"

Kurama: Really, all those exclamation marks are unnecessary.
Xellos: [himself] Slavery, eh? How much are you worth?
Zelgadis: [himself] Why do you want to know?
Xellos: So I can buy you, of course!
Zelgadis: [blushes] Idiot.
Xellos: [giggles]

>"I don't think you want-" Xelloss began.
>"I DON'T CARE!!! YOU ARE GOING TO USE THAT STUPID COCONUT!!!!" the chimera shrieked. "USE IT!!!"

Xellos: Normally you eat them, not use it.
Koenma: This would, of course, mean he’s going to use it for something other than eating.
Kurama: So she gave the joke away.

>"Umm.oh-kay." The monster picked up the coconut, smiled briefly and hit Zelgadis on the head with it.

Yuusuke: Wa-wa-waaaa.
Lina: It’d be funnier if it was to *open* the coconut…
Zelgadis: Oi…
Xellos: [giggles]
Zelgadis: [glares] Traitor.
Xellos: [kisses his cheek] Shush, sugar pie.
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>Zelgadis stood there, in amused astonishment for a few seconds.

Xellos: Iya. But he was *amused*!
Lina: [Amelia] Victory!
Zelgadis: [snorts]

>"I really must ask you," Zel began, kindly, "WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH THE COCONUT????"

Yuusuke and Xellos: [sing] Put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both up…

>"Well, you told me to do what I planned to do with it. I planned to hit you on the head with it, but, since you were so nice and got me the coconut and pillow in such a short time, I thought I should be nice and not hit you with it, but you insisted-" Xelloss answered.

Zelgadis: Actually, that is something you would do.
Xellos: Yare yare.

>Zelgadis stared at him. "I'm going to bed."

Xellos: [himself] Can I come?
Zelgadis: [blushes; himself] Sure, but wait until we get to bed.
Xellos: [stares, slack jawed]
Yuusuke: [throws his head back and laughs] We’ve corrupted him!

>"But what about my massage??" the priest cried.

Xellos: [himself] Foreplay! We need foreplay!
Hiei: [Xellos] And chocolate-covered espresso beans!
Kurama: [Xellos] And large quantities of alcohol!
Zelgadis: [softly] Actually, that’d be something I want to be sober for…
Xellos: [smiles brightly]

>"FORGET IT!!!!"
>"Oh, fine," the trickster said, tiredly. "Ohhh..everything is dark!" He fell on the floor and rolled around for a few minutes. "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!"

Yuusuke: [blinks] Doctor Dolittle?
Kurama: Rex Harrison or Eddie Murphy?
Yuusuke: Eddie Murphy. The rat that had gas?
Kurama: Oh, right…

>"Oh-kay, oh-kay, I'm sorry!!" Zelgadis shrieked.

Kurama: People normally spell it “okay.”
Yuusuke: Grammar queen strikes again.
Hiei: [kicks Yuusuke]
Yuusuke: Ow!

>In an instant, Xelloss was on his feet, holding a towel, some lotion and had managed to pull a flat metal table out of nowhere.

Yuusuke: Huzzah!
Xellos: [himself] Now watch as I pull a rabbit out of my ass!
Zelgadis: Can you even *do* that?
Xellos: Pull a rabbit out of my ass?
Zelgadis: [blushes] No, the table.
Xellos: Well, I’d have to borrow it from somewhere. These fangirls seem to think I’m Bugs Bunny or something…

>"Massage time!"

Lina: Hey. Aren’t you two still where we can see you?
Zelgadis: Not sure…
Lina: ‘cause that’d be a funny thing to witness…
Zelgadis: [sputters] There will be *no* witnessing.
Lina: [imitating Xellos] Yare yare…

>**
>Zelgadis cringed as he rubbed the ancient mazoku's back. Xelloss, having stripped himself of his clothes, and now lying on the table with nothing but the towel, was very much enjoying the anguish and despair Zelgadis was making, as well as the massage.

Xellos: ….
Yuusuke: Well, she’s got the “jerk” part of your personality down, Zel.
Zelgadis: [is blushing] Oi! I’m not like *that*.
Xellos: [eye twitches]
Lina: Er. Xel?
Xellos: [carefully] Ancient?
Zelgadis: [rereads paragraph] Oh…
Yuusuke: Like I said, jerk!
Kurama: Xellos-san? Are you okay?
Xellos: [smirks creepily] There will be much suffering this day…
Lina: [backs away from the pissed Mazoku] Um. Zel? Stop him!
Zelgadis: How?!
Lina: I don’t know! Think!
Hiei: Just kiss him and tell him he’s not old.
Yuusuke: [whispers] Well, he’s over 1,000…
Xellos: [glows red]
Koenma: That’s not helping, Yuu-chan.
Zelgadis: [slaps Xellos] Snap out of it! It’s just a stupid fic!
Others: [stares]
Xellos: [blinks, stops glowing] Thank you, Zelly-poo.
Zelgadis: [blushes] Did I hurt you?
Xellos: [smiles] No. I’m alright.
Zelgadis: Are you sure? I hit pretty hard…
Xellos: Yes, I’m sure. [cuddles closer]
Zelgadis: And you’re in no way undesirable because of your age.
Xellos: [smiles brightly] Of course I’m not.
Zelgadis: [rolls his eyes]

>"Ahhh.." He sighed. "Lower.."
>The chimera disgustedly obliged.

Zelgadis: Are we allowed to kill our clones?
Hiei: We wish.

>"Lower..lower..lower.."

Yuusuke: How low can you go?
Xellos: [smirks] Pretty low.
Zelgadis: [blushes]
Lina: Look at him. He’s just imagining it. Touching Xellos’ oh-so-soft skin…
Zelgadis: LINA!
Lina: What? What I say?
Zelgadis: [glares]

>"I'M NOT DOING IT THAT LOW!!!" Zelgadis finally screamed.

Zelgadis: [glares even darker]
Xellos: [in Zel’s ear] He doesn’t know what he’s passing up.
Zelgadis: [yipes and falls out of the couch]
Xellos: [blinks]
Lina: [laughs] What’d you do, Xellos?
Xellos: Nothing more perverted than usual, Lina-san.
Hiei: [snickers]

>There was a flash of purple smoke and everything disappeared, sans Zelgadis and Xelloss, who was now clad in a pair of purple pajamas.

Yuusuke: Wait. Just *one* pair?
Kurama: Kinky.
Zelgadis: [blushing again] Not to mention uncomfortable.

>"Ready for bed?" the priest asked.

Xellos: If so, then it would have been more prudent to do away with the pajamas.

>"Yes. I need it," Zelgadis replied. "-but we are NOT sleeping together."

Zelgadis: Prick.
Yuusuke: Right on, Zel!
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>"I know, I know," Xelloss said, nodding. "But, won't you help me to my bed? My poor legs are wobbly."

Xellos: From the fantastic sex?
Hiei: From the massage. It was *that* good.
Xellos: Ooo.
Zelgadis: [wishes there was somewhere for him to hide]

>Zel huffed. "Fine," and instantly, he had a purple-haired mazoku in his arms.

Yuusuke: And realized that’s where he belongs?
Xellos: I like to think so!
Zelgadis: [looks at him]
Xellos: [kisses his cheek] No need to look so surprised, baby cakes.
Zelgadis: I wasn’t…
Xellos: … So you were trying to see if I was lying? I thought we were past that stage.
Zelgadis: [blushes] We are! It’s just…
Xellos: It’s still new. I know.
Zelgadis: [slowly puts his arm around Xellos’ waist]
Xellos: [smiles]
Lina: [glances at them and smirks smugly]

>**
>"There. Are you 'comfy'?" Zelgadis asked, standing beside Xelloss' bed.
>"Very comfy!" he replied, smiling. "Thank-you, Zel-kun!"
>"Good. Night." The chimera began leaving, but was stopped by Xelloss' hand on his sleeve. "What do you want?"

Hiei: [Xelloss] You. Kilt sex. Now.
Kurama: [giggles]

>"I want a bedtime story!!" Xelloss exclaimed.

Yuusuke: [Xelloss] About us having sex.
Kuwa: You people are all really horny today, aren’t you?
Kurama: No more than usual.
Koenma: But the point they’re trying to make is that, of all the things Xellos could be choosing to make Zel do, he decides on the lamest things.

>"You're kidding."
>"Nope. I'll never get to sleep without a nice, happy story from my favorite buddy!" the mazoku said.
>"I don't know any stories," Zelgadis told him.
>"That's oh-kay!" Xelloss conjured a pink book into his hand. "I want you to read this one!"

Xellos: Pink?
Kurama: Well, we all knew you were gay.
Xellos: I’m the gayest man in our world. That’s not the point. *Pink?*

>"And then I can go?"

Yuusuke: [Xelloss] No. Then you get to dress in drag and perform for my pleasure.
Zelgadis: That’s… not too unusual, actually.
Lina and Xellos: [giggle]

>"Then you can go..but only if you read it with **feeling**."

Xellos: [himself] In a sexy voice. And touch yourself.
Zelgadis: [hides his face again] Xellos!
Hiei: Now that you’re together, he’s taking it to his advantage.
Zelgadis: I know, but…
Xellos: Yes, I know. Your voice is sexy without you trying.
Zelgadis: [sighs] I give up.

>Zel sighed. "All right." He began reading. "The pinkest fluffy bunny in all of the world. Once upon a time there was an extremely pink and fluffy bunny." The chimera cringed. "His name was Pinkie. He had many fluffy, pink bunny friends. Everybody in the fluffy, pink bunny kingdom loved Pinkie and were very happy to be his friend. There was never any danger or sadness in the fluffy, pink bunny kingdom, so no one ever had problems. Every day in the fluffy, pink kingdom was a beautiful and sunny day. Every pink, fluffy bunny in the fluffy, pink bunny kingdom lived happily for the rest of eternity. The end."

Xellos: [has his face hidden in Zel’s neck] Is it over?
Zelgadis: [stares] What’s your problem?
Xellos: Are you mad? If I’d read that, I really *would* be dying!
Kurama: And you still wouldn’t be getting the sex.
Xellos: Exactly!
Zelgadis: [pets his hair] Relax. It’s over.
Xellos: [smiles contentedly] Mmm. Zelgadis…
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>Zelgadis looked over at Xelloss, only to see that not only was he not paying attention, but he also had a pair of headphones on and was currently singing along with it.

Kurama: What’re you listening to, Xellos-san?
Xellos: Spice Girls, naturally.
Kurama: [giggles]
Hiei: Che. Dumb gags.
Kurama: [kisses his nose]

>He snatched the stereo away from the priest and whapped him on the head with the book.
>"YOU MADE ME READ THAT SICKENINGLY CUTE STORY AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN PAYING ATTENTION???" Zel yelled. "I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"

Zelgadis: [himself] Oh wait; *there’s* my lung.
Kurama: All those cap-locks really are unnecessary.

>"Don't hurt me, Zelgadis!" Xelloss squeaked, scrunching up. "You wouldn't want to push me even further into my grave, would you?"

Zelgadis: At this point, I’d be sorely tempted.
Hiei: Same here. And I’m not even *there*.

>Zelgadis relaxed himself and took in a deep breath. "Good night, Xelloss." He left the room.
>Xelloss laid back, putting his hands behind his head. "Now, what shall the two of us do tomorrow?" he wondered.

Yuusuke: I’d suggest the most obvious, but I already have, so there’s no use in repeating myself.

>**
>Intermission:
>**

Hiei: What?!
Kurama: Oh Inari. What do you think this is, My Fair Lady?
Xellos: [yawns]

>Nova-chan: Hey! I got two late votes.

Koenma: Oh no. We are *not* reading more of these. Botan, skip past this.
Botan’s voice: But--
Koenma: Just do it!!
[the words zip passed on fast forward]
Yuusuke: Anyone else thinking about Spaceballs too?
Xellos: Me!
Yuusuke: [snorts] That figures.

>Zelgadis slept restfully, without a care in the world. His dreams were filled with happiness, no nightmares about Xelloss or chimera or anything.

Zelgadis: Ha.
Xellos: What have you been dreaming about lately?
Zelgadis: Er. [blushes] Nothing important.
Xellos: [studies him before kissing his cheek] Oh, those. I already know about them.
Zelgadis: What?!
Xellos: [whispers] You moan my name while you sleep.
Zelgadis: [wonders if someone really can die from embarrassment]

>He was rudely awakened by a small bucket of freezing water.

Hiei: At this point it should occur to Zel that if Xellos is well enough to *conjure* all this crap, then he’s obviously not dying.
Zelgadis: My brains were sucked out through my nose, I guess.
Hiei: [snorts]

>His eyes bugged out and he shot straight up in bed.
>"Wha???" he shrieked.
>"Zelgadis!!" A whining Xelloss stomped his foot. "I want breakfast!!"

Xellos: [himself] I want *you* for breakfast!
Zelgadis: [blushes, snorts]

>Zelgadis groaned. "What time is it?"
>"Three o'clock!" Xelloss replied, cheerily. "I always eat breakfast at three a.m. You wouldn't want to disrupt my delicate balance, now, would you?"

Xellos: Okay, I would have been willing to follow the other things. For amusement. But this? This is…
Zelgadis: Ridiculous.
Xellos: Yes, exactly.

>The drowsy chimera rose from his bed, as if in a daze, and made his way to the kitchen very slowly.
>"What do you want for breakfast?" he asked, half closing his eyes.

Xellos: Chimera. Perhaps in a nice, warm bath. A wire sponge so I can scrub his back…
Zelgadis: Ack! [falls over again]
Xellos: [giggles]
Hiei: Still a prude…

>"Eggs and toast!" the mazoku exclaimed, clasping his hands together.
>Zelgadis found a frying pan and a toaster, then some bread and eggs.

Lina: Reminder, kids! Inns in our world don’t have kitchens!
Xellos: Hai, sensei!

>"How do you want your eggs?" Zel wondered, nearly falling asleep on the countertop.
>"Sunny side up!"
>"Oh-kay, that'll be $3.50.." Zelgadis leaned over the counter, snoring away.

Lina: [snorts] Reminds me of me when my sis tried to get me a job…
Zelgadis: Didn’t work out?
Lina: I wouldn’t have met you if it had!
Zelgadis: Point taken.

>"Oh, he's so tired," Xelloss fretted, patting Zelgadis' shoulder. "WAKE UP!!!"

Xellos: Aww. I just want to kill my clone and rescue Zelgadis by putting him to bed and having my wicked way with him…
Zelgadis: [hides face against Xel’s neck this time]

>"I'm up! I'm awake! I'm ready for the telethon!!!" he shrieked, shooting into a standing position.
>"My eggs and toast?"

Yuusuke: [Zelgadis] That’s what I said!

>"Oh, right. I'll get the cook right on it.." Zelgadis nearly fell asleep again, but another bucket of water stopped that.

Lina: Not noticing the sign on the bucket that said, “One gag per use.”

>"Zel-kun!" Xelloss whined.
>"Oh-kay, oh-kay," the chimera finally agreed, sleepily.
>He put the bread into the toaster and the eggs were plopped into the pan.
>Xelloss seated himself at the table, leaning back in his chair, leisurely.
>"Ahh." he sighed to himself. "My future burns brightly. I can see it now.."

Xellos: It probably doesn’t have anything to do with Zelgadis wearing a skimpy leather bondage outfit, huh?
Zelgadis: [sputters] What?!
Xellos: Nothing, muffin.

>**
>Xelloss sat on a giant throne on top of a bunch of platforms that held it up. His eyes were completely covered in darkness.

Xellos: Meaning that… my bangs were hanging in my eyes?
Lina: Yeah. A lot of creepy people in our world are like that. You should see my big sis.
Xellos: You should see my master.

>"Hahaha!" he laughed in a deep voice. "The world bows before me! I am the master!!"

Xellos: As I said before, over my master’s dead body.

>A tiny Zelgadis with no shirt and raggedy pants scooted toward the throne beneath Xelloss.

Xellos: Macrophilia? Kinky.
Zelgadis: Macro-what?
Xellos: An obsession with size differences.
Zelgadis: [blinks]
Xellos: [giggles] Think like Yuusuke-san.
Zelgadis: … Oh. [blushes]

>"Master," he said, meekly, "what would you have me do now?"

Xellos: [Himself] Climb into my pants and--
Zelgadis: Xellos.
Xellos: [giggles]

>"Go and clean my staff!" Xelloss shouted down at him.

Everyone: [cough]
Kuwa: Staff. Heheh.

>"Yes, Master! I shall perform this task at once!" Tiny Zelgadis ran into the shadows.
>"I RULE THE WORLD!!!!" Xelloss laughed.

Yuusuke: Hey… Xellos, I know what happened to your personality!
Xellos: Oh?
Yuusuke: It was replaced with Invader Zim’s!
Xellos: … [twitches]

>**
>"What?" Zelgadis asked, raising an eyebrow.
>Xelloss, who had been shaken out of his daydream, looked at Zelgadis, a tiny bit of blush spreading over his face. "Did I say something?" he asked.

Yuusuke: [Zelgadis] That you want to eat my liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Xellos: Mmm. Human.
Hiei: [smirks] You eat humans?
Zelgadis: What?!
Xellos: [giggles, bites Zel’s shoulder lightly]
Zelgadis: [stares]

>"You said that you ruled the world," the chimera said, questioningly.
>"Well..err..I DO!!!!" Xelloss finished, dramatically.

Yuusuke: See? Zim.
Xellos: [sings] Everybody wants to rule the world…

>"Oh-kay. Whatever." Zelgadis finished making his comrade's breakfast and set it before him. "Enjoy," he muttered.
>"No thanks, Zel-kun! I'm all full right now!" the mazoku exclaimed, patting his stomach.

Lina: On what?
Xellos: Human suffering?
Hiei: [smirks] On Zel?
Xellos: Oh, that I can never have too much of.
Zelgadis: [blushes]

>Zelgadis' eyes shot open, very wide. He slowly turned his head toward Xelloss. "WHY YOU!!!!!" he cried, tackling him to the floor and choking him. "YOU STUPID ANNOYING MAZOKU!!! HOW DARE YOU FORCE ME TO DO MANUAL LABOR AND THEN REFUSE THE FRUITS OF MY WORK!!"

Xellos: Oh, I dare to dare.
Zelgadis: [snorts]
Yuusuke: Is cooking considered manual labor?
Kurama: I don’t think so.

>Xelloss, although enjoying himself, made a teary face and sniffled. "And here we were getting along so well," he said, sadly. "Just promise me this: please come to my funeral, Zel-kun."

Xellos: Oh dear…
Lina: Would you even want a funeral?
Xellos: In all likelihood, there wouldn’t be a body, Lina-san.
Zelgadis: Could we *not* talk about this?
Xellos: It’s kind of hard, while we’re reading this…
Zelgadis: [grunts]

>Slowly, Zelgadis' anger faded. "What am I doing? You're dying and here I am, throttling you!" He helped Xelloss to his feet.

Zelgadis: Putz.

>"Ohhh..the pain.." Xelloss wailed, dramatically. "I feel the end is near.."
>"No!!" Zel cried. "No end!! Hang on!! Do you want some water??"
>"No..but some cran-strawberry juice would be nice!"
>Zelgadis sweatdropped.

Yuusuke: Sucker.
Lina: He just can’t resist your charms, Xellos.
Xellos: [grins] Who could?
Hiei: [snorts] Egotist.
Xellos: Yes, that is the point.

>**
>"Tell me..tell me again why we're here. Tell me why we're doing this," Zelgadis said, covering his face with his hand.

Xellos: [himself] Well, see, sometimes people want to do this even though they can’t have babies--
Zelgadis: Xellos. I’m not *that* innocent.
Xellos: [giggles]

>"We're here and doing this because I'm dying and you've been a jerk!" Xelloss replied, happily.

Kurama: Actually, that sounds like you too, Xellos-san.
Xellos: [sheepish grin]

>Xelloss and Zelgadis were at a local phone booth, dressed in spy outfits.

Yuusuke: Zel dressed in white and Xel in black?
Zelgadis: Huh?
Xellos: Spy vs. Spy. It’s a comic.
Zelgadis: … O-kay.

>"Do I really have to?" Zel asked, pleadingly.
>"Yes! Now do it!" Xelloss urged him.
>He sighed. "Fine." The chimera dialed a number.
>"Put it on speaker!!" the mazoku cried.
>Zelgadis obliged.

Koenma: Remember, kids! Telephone booths normally don’t have speakers!
Yuusuke: Sensei! The fic is abusing the Fourth Wall!
Kuwa: The room didn’t shake.
Yuusuke: Pfft.

>A woman picked up the phone. "Hello? Cook residence."
>"Is this the Cook residence?" Zelgadis asked.
>As Zel hung up the phone, Xelloss began to roll on the floor in laughter.
>"I really don't understand what you think is so funny," the swordsman said, blankly.
>"It's so hilarious!!" Xelloss shrieked, laughing uncontrollably.

Xellos: … [twitch]
Zelgadis: Xellos?
Xellos: [moans] It’s not funny. Not at all. This is so embarrassing… [hides his face against Zel again]
Zelgadis: [blushes] You just want an excuse to cuddle, don’t you?
Xellos: [giggles] You’re just now figuring that out, Zel-chan?
Zelgadis: [sighs]

>"Can we go now?" Zelgadis begged.
>"Oh," the monster said, drying his eyes, "yes, we can go."
>"Where are we going?"
>Xelloss smirked.

Yuusuke: To hell?
Zelgadis: Already here.
Xellos: [thoughtfully] Hell sure is underrated, in that case.
Zelgadis: [snorts]

>**
>"I don't know how to ski, Xelloss!" Zelgadis exclaimed, from atop a mountain.
>"That's oh-kay!" Xelloss replied, smiling. "Neither do I! Now go on!" He gave Zelgadis a push.
>"No, wait!" the chimera cried, sliding a bit. "I changed my mind. I don't want to do this! Please don't make me!! I don't wanna goooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone: …
Yuusuke: [to the ceiling] Check please!
Botan’s voice: It’s almost over, Yuusuke! Just hang in there!
Hiei: Humph. [curls up and closes his eyes]
Kurama: [seems content to watch him]

>**
>"Mr. Zelgadis! Does it hurt??" Amelia asked, tearing up.
>"My entire BODY is in a CAST, what do you THINK???" he demanded, grumpily.

Xellos: I don’t think this person likes Amelia-san very well.
Lina: [snorts] Poor Amelia.

>The group was in a hospital, Zelgadis in a bed with a full body cast on, having broken a leg a shoulder and six ribs, and the others were standing around him.
>"Wow!" Gourry shrieked. "I bet it DOES hurt!" He whacked Zelgadis' arm.
>"OW!!" Zel cried.
>"Ooops! Sorry!" the blond whispered.

Yuusuke: [Gourry] No wait, I’m not. I’m still upset for you ditching me last night, Zel.
Lina: Oi.
Yuusuke: [smirks]

>"Welp, Zelgadis," Lina began, "this takes the cake. What were you THINKING? You could have been KILLED!"

Kurama: People sometimes do crazy things when they’re in love.
Hiei: [smiles sleepily]
Kurama: [kisses him gently]

>"Oh, I don't know," he replied. "I'm not the one to blame."
>"Zel-kun?" Xelloss wondered. "I have a confession to make. I'm not..really..dying.."

Yuusuke: [Xellos] Because, you know, *nothing happened* to him.
Zelgadis: It’d take a lot more than worm guts to kill him.
Lina: [smirks] Yeah, you two’ll make a pretty good team. You both don’t die easily.
Xellos: [quietly] But it is still possible…
Zelgadis: Xellos?
Xellos: [smiles brightly] Nothing, hot stuff.
Zelgadis: [blushes, studies him]
Xellos: [pretends like nothing happened]

>Zelgadis didn't move or say anything for about six seconds. He suddenly ripped off his cast and bandages and tackled Xelloss, pummeling him into the linoleum.

Koenma: Botan? Open the doors.
Yuusuke: Huh?
Botan: Koenma-sama! I can’t do that!
Koenma: You can and you will.
Botan: But your father--
Koenma: Will have to deal with it, won’t he?
Yuusuke: K-chan…
Koenma: Yuusuke, you’re practically falling asleep. Kuwabara and Hiei *are*. I’m so bored I can’t think of riffs. This isn’t fun and I want to leave. We did most of it. My father will have to live with that.
Yuusuke: [smiles] You go, boy.
Koenma: [smiles widely] So let’s go.
Yuusuke: [grabs his hand] Whatever you say, Koenma-sama.
Koenma: [blushes] Yuu-chan…

- Ningenkai -

“Are you sure it’s safe?” Zelgadis hesitated.

“Yes! Hop on.” Xellos smiled encouragingly.

Zelgadis, still unsure, slowly crawled onto the hammock beside Xellos. Amazingly, it held them both up this time. He gave Xellos a hard look.

“Why didn’t you do this the first time?” he demanded.

“Because I forgot,” Xellos said, in what could have been honesty. Sometimes Zelgadis wasn’t sure.

The Chimera shrugged mentally and laid back, getting comfortable beside the soft form pressed against him. He blushed slightly as Xellos maneuvered himself so he laid on his side, his head resting on Zelgadis’ shoulder. He’d removed his long black cloak and covered them with it like a blanket. It was summer and the night was warm, but not uncomfortably so. Zelgadis put his arm around Xellos’ back and looked up at the stars peeking through the treetops.

This was still very new for them both, this closeness, and it still kind of scared him, but he wasn’t going to run away.

Which reminded him…

“Xellos.”

“Hmm?”

“Earlier… You were worried about something. But it’s something that’s come up before. You and Lina were talking about it once.”

Xellos held back a flinch. “Iya. So you noticed.”

“Yeah. What is it?” He didn’t get an answer right away. “Xellos, if we’re going to do this, I’d like to do it right. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

The Mazoku pressed his mouth against Zelgadis’ neck. Through the smooth rock he could feel the Chimera’s heartbeat, feel his warmth. “Here, in this moment, you’re breathing,” he began faintly. “You’re breathing, and your heart beats, pumping blood through your veins, delivering it to organs throughout your body. You breath and you move, think, speak and cast spells. This is human life.”

Zelgadis had no idea where Xellos was going with this, but remained silent, listening attentively.

“This is fragile life. This is why I didn’t want to be with you, at first. But now it seems I have no choice. So for this moment in time, I spend it with you.” Xellos sighed heavily, wrapped his arm around Zel’s stomach and moved closer to the other man. “There will come a day, though, when you will leave.”

Zelgadis tilted Xellos’ face back so he could see the Mazoku’s features. But his eyes were closed, expression blank. He only had his words to go by. “You’re worried about me dying.”

“You will. This is to be human, yes?”

Zelgadis nodded slowly. His powers as a sorcerer, the golem healing powers, and the Mazoku connection to the astral plain would extend his life to a certain degree, but he would still die one day.

But Xellos wouldn’t.

He could be *killed* naturally, but he would not grow old and die.

He cupped Xellos’ face. In the pale light, his face seemed more delicate.

Xellos smiled cheerfully. “Don’t fret, my heart. I won’t leave.”

But Zelgadis would. He didn’t have a choice. Those unsaid words were like a punch in the gut.

Though… there were other alternatives.

“You could kill me and turn me into a full Mazoku,” Zelgadis suggested tonelessly.

“No!” Shockingly, Xellos seemed quite outraged by the thought. Not like he had been in the theatre, not ready to spread doom onto some poor hapless victim. Just angered. “You will NOT sacrifice your humanity for me. I don’t want that, Zelgadis.” He put his face back against the Chimera’s neck. “I like you this way.”

Slowly, Zelgadis smiled and wrapped both his arms around Xellos. He hadn’t known it, but that was exactly what he’d wanted to hear.

“I could always become human,” Xellos told him. Then, they would both die, but they wouldn’t outlive each other by very many years. He would be happy with that.

“No!” Zelgadis didn’t even think about it, which surprised him. Xellos blinked at him in confusion and the shaman blushed. “I like you the way you are too.”

Xellos smiled. It was touched with the tiniest sadness, but at least it was truer than that too-cheerful grin. “So you see? There is no way out of this.”

Zelgadis laid back on the hammock again, studying the stars as if they held the answer. No. There had to be a way. He just needed time to think…