Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ We Wear the Mask ❯ Yusuke: A Detective ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem “We Wear the Mask.” That was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I'm merely borrowing them both for my own amusement and will put them back when I'm done.

 

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Yusuke

 

(A Detective)

 

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We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,

 

Three years ago, the life I live now would have seemed like something out of a bad sci-fi movie. I never thought demons were real. They were just another story adults told their bratty kids to get them to go to sleep at night. The idea that there were demons or other fantasy creatures like that was just stupid; only in books and stories; or in those stupid possession movies where they need an exorcism. Because demons weren't real, I was never afraid of them. Boy was I wrong.

 

Three years later I know better.

 

Hell, a year after it started I knew better. Actually, two years ago the life I live now would still seem crazy. I mean, I've seen all the plot twists in those stupid movies, but they never could have prepared me for who I really am.

 

Three years ago I became Spirit Detective, and soon became the leader of what has been called the Reikai Tantei. I never had any noble aspirations, but I guess things never work out quite like you expected. My friends and I, we had a job. We saved the world. That was our thing. I guess it kinda still is. That never really goes away. But three years ago my friends and I, we got our jobs from Koenma. We were thrown into harm's way to save it all. No pressure.

 

The world, yeah, saving it is important. But my friends meant more to me than saving the world every damn time. The four of us, we could have easily died at any point during it all. Hell, I did. But that wasn't the point. My friends mean everything to me, but I was always forced to lead them into danger. I could have easily been leading them to their deaths. But they trusted me. And when I saw them hurt, it killed me. But a leader can't show weakness. And that's what I was: leader of the Reikai Tantei. And so I hid behind my carefree mask, never being totally able to bare my soul to anyone.

 

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

 

I have to wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with the human race. I mean, someone was always trying to take over the world and skill all humans or whatever. There has to be a reason that humans are always targeted. I realize I may be sounding a little too much like Sensui, but the experiences I went through, that my friends went through, well, they brought along some cynicism.

 

Sometimes I look back on it all and wonder whether all the pain was worth it. Did the ends really justify the means? Sure, you can say that saving the human race is a noble goal, a great aim, but is it really? I met some really horrible humans and some pretty decent demons, two of my teammates and friends included. Hell, I've met a lot of decent demons. Okay, your definition of decent may have to bend a bit for some, but Kurama and Hiei, for instance, they're more than decent. Way more.

 

And they went through all the pain just like I did. And in the end we always won. And that made it worth it, right? Nightmares, scars, both spiritual and physical, lies; they're all petty in comparison, right?

 

Right?

 

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

 

I know I'm not the only one who still has nightmares from the Dark Tournament. I'm not the only one who bears scars from Sensui. And I'm not the only one who has been forever changed by these past three years.

 

I guess you might call us heroes or champions or something glorious like that. But do true heroes or champions truly exist? People want something greater than themselves to believe in. They don't want to see how normal their heroes are. Seriously, who gets more attention: Clark Kent or Superman? I guess that might not be the best example, but do you see my point? Superman would never bleed. He's, well, super. But Clark Kent is a man. He would cry out in pain; he would bleed. That's like us. We hurt, we bleed, but people don't want to see that. It's not glorious.

 

I suppose it's good the world didn't realize we were saving their asses so often then.

 

Who needs to know about our pain? Who wants to know that I still dream of Toguro and Sensui and wake up in a cold sweat. No one else needs to know that the human race's champions are vulnerable.

 

That's why we have each other.

 

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

 

I don't hide who I am from my friends. They accept me no matter who (or what) I am. And that's why I love them. I've seen them at their most vulnerable and they've seen me at mine. It's a mutual respect thing. It's just the way things are.

 

But no one else would understand. No one else could understand how a simple thing like a nightmare could truly shake you to the core. I mean, really shake you. They do because they've felt it too. But the rest of the world… well, they don't need to know about it. They wouldn't get it anyway. They don't need to see me as I really am because they could never accept me. It's just a thing in human nature, to scorn the different. And me, well, I'm really different.

 

School kids, they saw the bully/punk side of me. Teachers too. Hell, even my mom usually saw that side of me… when she was around, anyway. It's just a mask I put up to protect myself. I think the only times my true self ever shines though is during a fight or with my friends. Only then do I know I'm among those like me and who will accept or understand me. Only then do I drop the mask.

 

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

 

We were supposed to be saving the world, but who was supposed to save us? I wondered about that a lot. Actually, I still do sometimes. I may not be Spirit Detective anymore, but did I earn the right, along with my friends, to be saved? I know it's not really in my nature to accept help, but I know my limits. And I know I won't be able to win them all. There will come a time when I need saving and my friends will need saving. And who will be there for us?

 

I guess there is always the path Kuroko took: a nice peaceful life, killing rogue demons every now and then. But that's not me. When she left the Spirit Detective position she was human. I'm not. So I guess I'll always be in the middle of something. But sometimes I wonder if that's really what I want. I mean, now I have an idea of who I am (and only now can I really appreciate the delicate life Kurama lives). Now I have Keiko and a future with her to look forward to. But if I'm constantly caught up in a fight, she could be in danger. And if anything happened to her, I don't know what I'd do.

 

That's the burden I carry. Not only have the fights as Spirit Detective left scars, so have the burdens of knowing I could have gotten any of my friends killed at any time. And sometimes I remember the pain my friends experienced and I feel as if my insides want to explode with guilt. How is that fair? But I had my share of pain too. I can remember the fights, if not the names of the fighters, and the pain. And I often wake up in a cold sweat after those dreams.

 

Only my friends can truly relate to that, so around others the mask goes up. Around others, I give them what they expect of Yusuke Urameshi.

 

We sing, but of the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile;

 

I'm searching for something. I've gotten a small taste of it, but I want more. I need more. And so I will continue down the road until I find it. I don't care how long it takes, because I need it. I need to know. I need to know who I really am.

 

I've hid behind masks for so long that that road seems more like a path in the woods right now. When I was younger, Keiko was my only friend. The other kids were afraid of me, and I still don't know why, though I have to wonder if they sensed the demon in me without realizing it. It's human nature to want to avoid or hate anything different, and even the slightest hint can set kids off, I guess.

 

From then on, I made a mask of bullying to excuse the other kids hating me. My dad was gone, my mom was a drunk, and the other kids wouldn't play with me. Plenty of reason to hide behind that. And so, betraying my true self, I fitted myself into that mold. I skipped school, insulted everyone, and beat up people for looking at me wrong. Looking back, I realize that that might be the reason I have such a hard time figuring out myself. I've hid too much.

 

But I'll continue to walk the road to self-discovery until I get it figured out. I don't care how long it takes. And I know my friends will be there.

 

But let the world think other-wise,

We wear the mask!

 

No one needs to know the extent of what I'm going through. I don't usually get a lot of credit for brain power or heart and that's fine. The only people that really matter know the truth behind the mask. They know me, maybe even if I don't something. And for that I love them all.

 

But the rest of the world, well, they can see what they want.

 

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