Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ We Wear the Mask ❯ Hiei: The Forbidden One ( Chapter 3 )

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem “We Wear the Mask.” That was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I'm merely borrowing them both for my own amusement and will put them back when I'm done.

 

 

Hiei

 

(The Forbidden One)

 

 

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,

 

Forbidden. That's what I am. From my birth I was the Forbidden Child of the koorime and was cast away. I live my life raised by thieves; cutthroats and traitors of the demon world brought me up. Suffice it to say that I had never experienced the sensation of love or even true companionship. All I knew was an intense hatred and bloodlust. And I suppose that was what kept me alive in Demon World.

 

Back then I was a hollow shell filled with dark emotions that resonated in my heart. But things began to change. I received the Jagan and learned of the existence of my sister. And I met Kurama soon after. Finding that I have connections to others once made me feel weak, so I am loath to admit dependence on anything related to it, but Kurama is a friend; my best friend in fact. I see him as a partner and a brother, but even if I won't tell him - is it because I fear something? Rejection? Humiliation? Betrayal? - he knows. He understands the masks I have built to hide behind, understands them well. And that is why, I believe, we can get along like we do.

 

My upbringing taught me to scorn connections to others, so I have closed myself off from the world. Even when I have wanted the connection to another, I have made myself aloof to avoid such trifles. And that is what everyone sees. So few know the true face behind the mask of indifference that I wear.

 

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

 

The human race is a cursed one, though I suppose the same could be said of many races of demon, including the once I was born of. Motivated by self-interest and immersed so far in greed and deceit that the line between human and demon seems to blur. After joining - albeit reluctantly - the Spirit Detective team, I came to question that line between human and demon.

 

In my life I had met a variety of demons and humans as well. There are humans much like the bandits that raised me and demons like Yusuke's human love, Keiko. I often wondered if what I did - admittedly to reduce my sentence - was really worth it in the end, but Kurama always managed to tell me that it was, even when he didn't seem sure himself.

 

Battle after battle we fought, not only for ourselves and our lives, but for humans and their world. It's true that before it all ended I came to actually like a small number of humans, though telling them is out of the question. I let my sword do my talking for me, so those I have come to like shall never see the sharp end of my katana. And I guess fighting all those battles was, in part, fighting for those few humans I had come to find I had an attachment to. But then there were other humans, like Sakyo and Sensui, who made us all question the value of the human race and what we were fighting for.

 

In the end we always managed to be victorious, even though the prices we paid were often high. And often we were left with a bitter taste in our mouths; I can remember taking with Kurama after Sensui's defeat, both of us questioning it all. With all we had given up as a group, were the gains really worth it? Had Yusuke's death really been worth it? Did the ends truly justify the means?

 

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

 

I suppose of you wanted a really grand view of what we did, you might call us heroes or champions, or some crap like that. But that's all bull. Yusuke may have been the human champion for awhile, and even Kuwabara to an extent, but that seems more a childish phase to me. I never really wanted to save humans, though Kurama did. I merely did my time and paid a high price for it.

 

By the time we chased Sensui into Demon World, I don't think our team cold be considered `heroes' anymore. We were no longer fighting to save humans, but out of anger and a desire to avenge Yusuke's death. Who would have ever thought that I would have been willing to die for the sake of another? But the pain and anger truly hit me and I wanted blood.

 

But who really needs to know that? So few could understand anyway. I've been branded a traitor for my association with the Spirit Detectives, and, somewhere deep down, it did hurt. It hurts to be labeled as an outcast again. The first time it was only because I was born. The second time was because of choices I made. And I guess I can live with that, but who could understand that?

 

A few could understand, but not many. And I only care that those few who understand do, because they are the only ones that I feel any attachment to or feeling toward. The rest of the worlds can go to hell for all I care. They understand the pain because they have shared in it.

 

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

 

Those who don't understand can't see behind the mask. I suppose that that was how it was built; empathy leading to understanding.

 

Those who watched us fight in the Dark Tournament and the Makai Tournament, those creatures will never understand. They saw the mask and bought into it. Even now, most of those I associate with in Mukuro's territory only see the mask. And that's fine. Mukuro can see behind it, but only because she understands the feelings of pain and despair and all else. No one who doesn't understand deserves to see what lies behind the mask anyway.

 

We smile but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

 

There is not one among us who does not carry scars on his heart. If there was, he would be a shallow bastard indeed. I think I told Kurama that once. But it's true and I hold to it. I have scars on my heart and they define who I truly am.

 

Yes, I carry a bitterness towards the people who threw me from the cliff because of what
I was born as. That still haunts me from time to time, but then I remember I have my sister. And while I have never told her who I am, I think she knows of a connection between us. So even pain, such as what I hold, can bring better things into our lives.

 

I have my scars, both physical and spiritual, but who among our team does not? I still dream at night of some of the horrors we faced, and I admit it to myself; I have been afraid. I have lost and despaired. But he who does not acknowledge the pain can never move past it. I can still picture many of the horrors we faced and my feelings at the time. I can remember what seemed like new emotions coming forth in my soul during different missions and my confusion at what they could mean. But in the end I embraced them, for not to do so would just be denying myself; my true self. And while I may seem cold to others, I do have feelings. And they do come at a price. And I have paid it in my fights thus far.

 

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet and long the mile;

 

The road to self-realization is a long one and many obstacles lie on the path. I think in some way all four of us are traveling that road. And while I know I am not to the end of the road yet, for there is much left to be done in my life, I am happy with where I have ended up this far. For all the pain and suffering I have endured, I have gotten something out of it. I have come to understand love, to be loved and to love another. And in more than just the romantic sense of the word.

 

It may seem like a trifle to some, for they have known love their whole lives, but I have not. And it has been a long travel to reach this understanding, but it had been worth every step. And if reaching the end of that long and winding road of personal realization gives a sensation even part of what I have come to know now, then the arduous journey will have been worth it.

 

I think we all feel that way. To know yourself is the greatest reward and knowledge one can have, no matter the length of the trek required to get there.

 

But let the world think other-wise,

We wear the mask!

 

No one but those few who understand really need to see anything other than the mask that has become an almost permanent fixture on me. No one else deserves to know anyway. Only those who understand. And that is the way it is. And while under the mask I have changed since that day I met Kurama so long ago, the mask has remained the same.

 

And only my friends can see behind it.

 

 

Author's Note: Happy Halloween! Sorry about the delay, but I have never really written anything specifically about Hiei so this chapter was a challenge to write. I hope I ended up doing his character some amount of justice. So leave me a review and let me know if I totally botched the fire demon or not.