Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Sleeping Hiei Part Two ( Chapter 3 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

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Chapter 3

Rewind:

Botan whacks him on the back of the head with her oar. The backstage area erupts into bickering as "Get back here, Hiei!"s and "Baka Onna"s float over to the rest of the actors.

Koenma sighed. He had a feeling he would be up late tonight.

Play:

The threat of the return of the oni choir finally calmed the group down enough to continue. Discontented murmuring still ranged, however.

Botan: And I have to rescue you?

Hiei: Shut up.

Koenma turned back to the stage, hoping for salvation from the only good actor there, Yukina.

Yukina: Oh no!

Genkai: Oh yes! (She shakes her head from side to side, imitating a deeper voice) Yes, yes, yes! (her voice goes to perilous heights and she nods emphatically) No, no, no!

Everyone: O-O

Genkai: What? I always wanted to do that. (shrugs) Whatever. (glances at her lines) Oh, I'm just laughing evilly. What a let down.

Kuwabara: (leaps at his moment in the spotlight) Seize that creature! Yukina, my love, I will never let that woman hurt you or our child! My diamond!

Hiei: (growling)

Botan: (holding on to Hiei's arm)

Genkai: Stand back you fools! (She lights a match and tosses it down into the oni pit, waits for the smoke to issue forth, then calmly walks away)

Yusuke: (mutters) I hope she doesn't decide to come back.

Kurama: Don't despair, your majesties. Yusuke still has her gift to give.

Yusuke: His, darn it, his!

Kurama: (smirks) I'm just reading my lines.

Kuwabara: Then Urameshi can get rid of this awful curse that haunts the beautiful child of my ever gorgeous wife, who is the gem of my heart, whom I promise never to leave?

Hiei, at this point, is given a sedative by Kurama and Botan.

Yusuke: Not a chance, Kuwabaka.

Kurama: (deadpan) Genkai's powers are far too great.

Keiko: (jabs Yusuke) But she can help!

Yusuke: (Rubbing side) He! For goodness sake, aren't there male fairies?

Keiko: (menacing) Just do your best, dear.

Kurama: (bored) Yes…

Yusuke: (reading dialog for the first time) "Sweet princess…ray of hope…love's true kiss…" Hey, who wrote this crap? Where'd all my good lines go? Whatever. Basically. You'll still be cursed, but, lucky you, you've got a one in a million chance of some chick being your "true love" and if she feels like kissing your ugly mug, you'll wake up from the "sleep/death", or whatever it is that happens to you.

Keiko is steaming.

The oni choir gives it one last shot before the final gasp, and is surprisingly intelligible due to the extreme pain they are experiencing.

Oni choir: For true love conquers all

Kurama: Wow, that's rather soulful. Interesting.

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The group convinced Koenma to give them a short break, supposedly to rest their voices. They sat around the godling's desk, trying to plot a way out of their torture.

Yusuke: I say we convince him to bring in a new character, then make a bolt out the portal and back into the human world.

Keiko: I don't think that will work. He's already got all of the characters planned out for this story.

Hiei: I don't want to stay until the end of this.

Kuwabara: Me neither. I love being married to Yukina, but Koenma's starting to annoy me.

Hiei tries to tense but fails, the sedative still in effect.

Botan: You're just starting to be annoyed?

Kurama: Well, what else can we do?

Botan: (shakes her head) I'm not sure. The only portals we can use are the ones Koenma triggers, and he won't let us out of his room and the office.

Yukina: I think we should just wait until he falls asleep, then we're free to go, right? So just be as boring as possible.

Everyone: (stares at Yukina) O-O

Yusuke: Well, that's simple.

They hear a buzzing on the desk and flow slowly and unwillingly back into the bedroom of the toddler.

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Flyr is back in the room, standing with Jin and Koenma near the bed. She turns when she hears their approach.

Flyr: Oh, there you are. Well, out of the goodness of my heart, I've decided to forgive you for your past transgressions.

Jin waves at the group.

Jin: Hi there! It was raining back at home, so I thought, well, might as well pay the odd folks a visit, sure.

Yusuke: Or so Flyr doesn't have to go as far when she wanted to smooch someone.

Flyr: (turns to Keiko) Do you know that Yusuke was the one who stole your favorite Kero puzzle when you were kids?

Keiko: (flames up) YUSUKE!!

Yusuke: Eep! (runs around stage ducking a flamethrower)

Flyr: Anyways, lets get on with this.

Everyone sighs and returns to their previous positions. Flyr is again back on the stool in a spotlight on a darkened stage.

Flyr: But King Kuwabara, still fearful of his daughter's life, did then and there decree that every spinning wheel in the kingdom should on that very day be burnt. So it was done.

Everyone: -.-

Flyr: What? No making fun of me this time? No interruptions discussing Hiei's vulnerability to spinning wheels?? What's wrong with you people?

Unbeknownst to Flyr, the cast was earnestly trying to follow Yukina's previous suggestion of being as boring as possible. Yusuke and Kuwabara's ears were blocked up to prevent any mistakes and scathing remarks. The lights come up to reveal Keiko, Yusuke, and Kurama calmly sitting at a table sipping tea. Well, at least Kurama.

Kurama: Silly fiddle faddle!

Keiko: (gives Kurama a strange look, then turns to Yusuke) Now, come have a nice cup of tea, dear. I'm sure it'll work out somehow.

Yusuke: What?

Keiko: I said you should have a cup of tea!

Yusuke: What?

Keiko: (Unstoppers ears) Drink your TEA!!

Yusuke: (grumbles) You didn't have to get so worked up about it.

Kurama: (sigh) If we could continue.

Yusuke: What? Oh, yeah, that. Where are we?

Kurama rolls his eyes and points to a spot on the script.

Yusuke: Okay. (recites) Well, a bonfire won't stop Genkai. We could try it, though. What if we build a really big one?

Kurama: Um…of course that won't work, but what will?

Keiko: Well, perhaps if we reason with her?

Kurama: Reason?

Yusuke: (laughing) With Genkai? She doesn't know the meaning of reason! Do you know what she put me through? Focusing energy so I could balance on a sword, endless hours of training! I tell you, the granny is mad!

Keiko: Well, she can't be all bad.

Kurama: (matter of fact) Yes, she can.

Yusuke: I'd like to turn her into a fat toad! Hey, this fairy has some good ideas!

Keiko: (Whacks Yusuke) That was rude!

Kurama: Besides, we can't. You know our magic doesn't work that way.

Keiko: It can only do good, dear, to bring joy and happiness.

Yusuke: What a load of crap! Why do we have magic anyway?

Kurama: (disgruntled because Yusuke isn't following his lines) But there must be some way ... There he is.

Yusuke: There he is? Come on, Kurama, I know you're only reading your lines, but that makes absolutely no sense.

Kurama: (defensive) Well, that's what it says! "There he is." It doesn't identify the "he"!

Keiko: Whatever.

Kurama: I'm going to ... shh, shh, shh! Even walls have ears. What a horrid line.

Kurama sighs and stands, motioning at Yusuke and Keiko.

Kurama: Follow me!

Yusuke: (exited) Why? Do you know a way out of here?

Keiko: (whacks Yusuke)

The run over to a little hut, which is supposed to represent the inside of a container on the table. Yusuke pushes at the plush covering, poking a hole into the room. Kurama and Keiko stare on, watching as Yusuke attempts to patch the hole by stuffing small pillows into it.

Kurama: Yeah…okay, I'll turn her into a flower!

Keiko: Who are you talking about again?

Yusuke: Genkai? XP

Kurama: Oh no, dear, the princess!

Keiko: Well, she'd make an…interesting flower.

Hiei: That's the best you can come up with?!

Kurama: Don't you see, a flower can't prick its finger.

Yusuke: Yeah, because it doesn't have any HANDS!

Keiko: That's right.

Kurama: She'll be perfectly safe.

Yusuke: Until Genkai sends a FROST!

Kurama: Okay, I know it wasn't a good idea, but at least I read the lines!

Yusuke: What was I doing for the past few times?

Keiko: Will you guys just shut up? Let's get back to the plot. She always ruins your nicest flowers.

Kurama: Yeah, cause she steps all over them. Wait, um… You're right. And she'll be expecting us to do something like that.

Yusuke: But what won't she expect? She knows everything…hey! This is so wrong! Genkai does not know everything! She doesn't know it was me who slipped those bugs into her wash!

Genkai: That was you?!

Yusuke: Uh…nope!

Keiko: I think you're now on a hit list, Yusuke.

Yusuke: Everyone wants to kill me!

Keiko: Oh but she doesn't dear. Genkai doesn't know anything about love, or kindness, or the joy of helping earnest. You know, sometimes I don't think she's really very happy.

Genkai: I'm perfectly satisfied with my life!

Yusuke: (snort)

Kurama: (deadpan - again) That's it, of course. It's the only thing she can't understand, and won't expect. (begins ticking off fingers) Woodcutters cottage, get by King and Queen, ensure we're poor…

Yusuke: Get by how?

Kurama: By telling them about three peasant women taking in a foundling child.

Keiko: Well, that's nice. Relates how?

Yusuke: Hang on, who are these "women?"

Kurama: (points to a mirror) They're right there.

Keiko: Us?!

Yusuke: You want us to be the "peasant women?" How many times do I have to tell you that I'm a guy?!

Hiei: Add me.

Yusuke: Yeah, and Hiei!

Keiko: You want us to take care of a baby Hiei? I mean, he's just a plushie now, but he has to grow up sometime! I'm not sure I'm up for that.

Kurama: She. And why not?

Keiko: Were you not listening to me?

Yusuke: (Looks down and notices an addition to his costume, courtesy of Koenma) Hey, why am I wearing pink? Go back to blue! Anyway, what are we going to feed it? Hiei can't live on ice cream alone!

Hiei: Yes, I can.

Keiko: And then we would have to dress her and put her to bed and dictate her life…wait, I think I could do that.

Hiei: Hn. Baka onna.

Yusuke: Well, when you put it that way…do you think we can?

Kurama: If humans can do it, so can we.

Keiko: We ARE human!

Yusuke: We have magic to help us with Hiei, right? Cause how are we going to get him to do what we want?

Keiko: Yeah, that's right!

Kurama: Oh, no, no, no, no, no magic! I'll take those wands right now. Oh, better get rid of those wings, too.

Keiko: What wings?

Kurama: I think we forgot to put those on.

Keiko: Oh.

Yusuke: You mean we actually have to work?!

Kurama: That's why Genkai will never suspect.

Yusuke: But who'll wash, and cook?

Kurama: Well, we can all pitch in. It's not going to be like when you come over to my house!

Keiko: (smirking evilly) I'll take care of Hiei.

Yusuke: Hey! That's the only reason why I agreed to this in the first place!

Keiko: (glares) You want to fight me for it?

Yusuke: Uh, not especially.

Kurama: Come along now, We must tell their majesties at once.

Yukina: But I already heard you.

Everyone: (sweatdrop) u.u

Kurama: Well, let's formally present the idea.

Yusuke: Whatever.

They move out of the room, which is dragged off by a group of onis, and approach Yukina and Kuwabara. Kuwabara is playing with the fluff in his ears to block his hearing and isn't paying attention. Flyr, who has fallen asleep on the stool, is suddenly illuminated.

Flyr: (snore) (snort) Ehhh….what?

Yusuke: (laughing)

Flyr: Stop that, you pink cross dresser!

Yusuke: What?! (Looks down to find the outfit pink again) Why is this happening?!

Flyr: (smirking) Serves you right. Is it my turn again?

Everyone: (nods)

Flyr: Okay. Let's see. So the king and his queen watched with heavy hearts as their most precious posession, their only child, disappeared into the night.

Yukina: Oh, my lovely baby!

Kurama: Uh, Yukina? I don't think you had any lines.

Yukina: I was embellishing.

Everyone looks stunned at the thought that Yukina is stepping up the act.

Flyr: Riiiigght. So… Many sad and lonely years passed by for King Kuwabara and his people. But as the time for the princess's sixteenth birthday drew near, the entire kingdom began to rejoice. For everyone knew that as long as Genkai's domain, the forbidden mountains, thundered with her wrath and frustration, her evil prophecy had not yet been fulfilled.

Hiei: (smirk) I'm good at hiding.

Scene moves out to show Genkai and a few onis.

Genkai: It's incredible, sixteen years and not a trace of her! She couldn't have vanished into thin air. Are you sure you searched everywhere?

George: I thought I was the announcer.

Genkai: Well…I captured you and forced you to work for me!

George: Uh, Koenma sir?

Koenma: It's just a play George, get on with it!

George: If you say so. (reads slowly) Yeah…yeah…every..where…and..

Genkai: (interrupts, rolling her eyes) But what about the town, the forests, the mountains?

Onis: (Nod)

George: We…searched…mountains, forests,… and houses, …and let…. me see…

Genkai: (skips ahead) Cradles? (she passes over George's next line, then pauses) Hey, where's my pet?

Koenma: Oops! Hang on a moment.

Another portal opens, which Yusuke spots with a start and runs towards. However, he is greeted by a very enthusiastic bird thing before he can make it there, and the portal shuts without him.

Yusuke: Darn it! Will this happen every time?

Puu: (smiles dumbly)

Genkai: That's my raven? Are you pulling my leg?

Yusuke: You can have it, grandma.

Genkai: Wow. Thanks. I'm soo flattered. Whatever, moving on. Did you hear that my pet? All these years, they've been looking for a baby! (starts chuckling evilly)

Onis: (join in with strange laughter)

Genkai: (stops abruptly) Fools! Idiots! Imbeciles! (Lights another match and tosses it at the onis)

Koenma: Hey! I need those guys!

Genkai: I don't want them to start singing like the last ones.

Koenma: (grumble)

Genkai: Oh, they're hopeless. A disgrace to the forces of evil.

Kurama: (murmuring) How true.

Genkai: My pet, you are my last hope.

Yusuke: That's sad.

Genkai: Circle far and wide, search for a maid of sixteen with hair of blackest night, with a funny white stripe…

Hiei: Hey! That stripe is cool!

Genkai: …and eyes red as the rose. Go, and do not fail me.

Puu flies away after several failed attempts to get off the ground, falling eventually next to Yusuke.