Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Sleeping Hiei Part V ( Chapter 6 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Whew! Life caught up with me this past week! Lotsa work. Thanks for all of the reviews! I really appreciate them, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story! :D It makes me happy too!

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Chapter 6

Rewind:

Hiei: Hn. Whatever. (Leaves, without dress, to backstage)

Keiko: Whew! That was easier than I thought!

Play:

As Hiei is gone "changing", the lights shift over to the castle set. Kuwabara and Yukina are sitting in some type of formal dining room.

Yukina: Where's King Hubert? Does he still have the flu?

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Koenma: Actually, I think he's in with Genkai right now. Oni, go get him.

George, that unfortunate soul, leaves again.

Genkai: (from another room) You're trying to charm me again, aren't you?

Everyone: O.O

George comes back with King "Hubert."

Yusuke: (choking) H-he's King Hubert??

Toguro: Yo.

Koenma: Yeah! He agreed because Genkai was on set.

Kuwabara: I have to work with him?

Yukina: Don't worry, dear, I'll be here.

Everyone looks apprehensively around for Hiei, who would be snarling because Yukina used the "d" word again, before remembering that he is not on the stage.

Kuwabara: I won't let my angel down!

Toguro: Let's get on with this.

Kuwabara: (sweating) Right. No sign of her yet, um, Toguro.

Toguro: (straight up) Of course not, it's a good half an hour til sunset. (Grabs some food off a plate near him and nibbles delicately on the chicken leg.) This bird is satisfactory.

Everyone: O.O

Keiko: (In awe) He's got good table manners. Yusuke! Take lessons!

Yusuke: (still stunned)

Toguro: The princess will be here in no time.

Kuwabara: Hey, yeah, you're right! I see Hiei right over there!

Hiei: (back in regular clothes) Hn.

Kurama: Aren't you supposed to be wearing my dress?

Yusuke: That just sounds wrong…

Keiko: What are you talking about?! He's not even supposed to be in this scene!

Yukina: (making a quick save) It's just been too long, we see our darling daughter in waking dreams.

Toguro: (Shrugs) I wouldn't worry about it. You'll see her tonight, and then we can join our two kingdoms.

Kuwabara: You mean…we're going to be related?!

Yusuke: That was an incredibly slow pick-up. (Is whacked by Keiko) Owww!

Toguro: …

Kuwabara: (Wails and flings himself on Yukina) Nooo! Our child is going to have a murderer for a father-in-law, my sweet!

Hiei: (bristles) Get your hands OFF of her!

Kurama: (thoughtfully) Hasn't Kuwabara killed people too?

Yusuke: I'm not sure. He won't fight girls, he loses an awful lot, and he avoids hurting his opponents. (pauses) Why did we keep him around anyway?

Kurama: (sweatdrop) I think we needed another member for our tournament team.

Yukina is trying to comfort Kuwabara, ignoring a crazed Hiei who Kurama has tied up again. Genkai, in the confusion, has sneaked out of the back room, and is pouring some "wine" from a pitcher on the table. In reality, it is juice, as Koenma is too young to summon anything else.

Genkai: (mixes something, then hands drink over) Here you go, Toguro. One for the road, eh?

Toguro: (suspicious, but shrugs) To the future. Whatever there is of it.

Yukina: (smiles) Yes, to the future!

Kuwabara: (collects himself) I guess you're right, my lovely ice maiden. Does this mean Toguro is turning over a new leaf?

Toguro: No.

Genkai: Not likely.

Yusuke: (sniggers, then…) Hey Keiko! Will you stop doing that? It hurts!

Kuwabara: Wait a minute…isn't there a reason Toguro's here? I mean, I don't just invite him over to dinner all the time, do I?

Yukina: (gently) Our children are meeting each other tonight.

Toguro: And I'm to inform you that the house is ready.

Kuwabara: House?

Genkai: Dimwit. The house that Hiei and Botan will live in after they're married!!

Kuwabara: Married??!!

Genkai: Where have you been all of this time? I could have sworn you realized this before.

Kurama: I think he's backsliding.

Kuwabara: (persevering) Hiei will sleep in a house? Doesn't he normally sleep in trees?!

Hiei: Shut up, baka.

Yukina: Is it a nice house, Mr. Toguro?

Toguro: (shrugs)

Kuwabara: (is struck by an idea) [an: quite literally. Hiei has smacked him on the head, squirming out of Kurama's ropes.] Oh! How soon can they move in?

Toguro: Tomorrow, if you wish.

Kuwabara: Yeah. That's good. I mean, I love the child of my wife, but quite honestly, it'll probably be better if Hiei wasn't living with us.

Kurama: (under breath) How right he is…

Hiei is now being held by Keiko and Yusuke, who have snapped out of their own private argument to realize the danger for the population in general. Kuwabara seems to feel a death gaze directed in his direction.

Kuwabara: Uh heh heh. You know, Toguro, it's been great catching up, but I really think Yukina and I need to, um, head somewhere else, like, um…

Yukina: The woodcarvers! We need to make sure all of our grandchildren have cradles!

Hiei: (sudden shock) What!!? O.O

Keiko: (stumbles back) Ophf! Man, Hiei, couldn't you tell us when you're going to stop struggling!

Yusuke: (grinning evilly) Heh heh heh. What have you been doing with Botan, Hiei?

Hiei: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! @.@ [an: oro…]

Keiko: (threatening) Yusuke…what did I tell you…about crude jokes…?

Yusuke: Eh heh. Keiko? Do you know your eyes are on fire?

Kuwabara and Yukina make their escape while everyone is distracted. Toguro's eyes are wandering and he seems to have lost some focus. Genkai looks on in glee as Botan sticks her head into the room.

Botan: You know, it's getting pretty dull back here. Do you think I can come in now?

Koenma: (sigh) What a ruckus. Oni!

George: Uh, yes, Koenma, sir?

Koenma: Just skip to your next part.

George: Oh, sure. Right. (Scans paper) Let's see. Oh, here it is! His royal highness, Prince Botan!

Botan walks in the door, wearing the strapless black dress that had been mysteriously missing (though no one had been paying attention) back around the time when Toguro came in. Everyone is stunned at the good figure that she is cutting. Hiei, who had already suffered severe heart palpitations from Yukina's previous statement, is close to passing out.

Kurama: (jabs Hiei) See?! See how good Botan looks! That could've been you!

Hiei: (twitching) …um…hn. -.-u

Yusuke: (making catcalls) Whoo hoo! Go Botan! That certainly accentuates your [an: insert anatomy, like head, or fingers, or something…]!

Keiko: Yusuke!!!!

Botan: (eerily thoughtful) You know, Kurama took a lot of time with this dress. He even put in a place for Hiei to hold his katana-

Kurama: See how perfect it was?!! A masterpiece! But, nooooo, you had to go back to wearing your "uniform"… after all that time I spent teaching Kurama how to sew-wait, I mean-learning from the illustrious Youko, who is so above me-…(Kurama seems to shake, then looks apologetic) Sorry about that. Youko seems quite attached to that dress.

Botan: (sweatdrop) Uh, yeah, anyway. Kurama made this dress with a place for Hiei's katana, which I find quite useful for things like metal bats and super heavy oars…

Yusuke: (sweating terribly) Well, um, can't we talk about this before you begin hitting me?

Keiko: You get on with your scene, Botan. I'll take care of him.

Keiko drags a terrified Yusuke out the door to Koenma's office, detaching his clinging hands from the doorway with surgical ease.

Everyone: O.o

Kurama: Remind me not to make Keiko angry…

Botan: (turns to Toguro) Hello, father!

Toguro: (spaced) Um, is it Botan? That's a nice name. Botan, Botan, Botan, Botan, Bo-

Botan: (quickly skips to next line) I've already met her!

Toguro: (totally confused) Her?

Genkai: (smirking) You know, the woman Botan's going to marry.

Toguro: (peering behind sunglasses at Botan) Woman? Are you sure? Because Botan here looks pretty female…

Botan: (takes out her bat) Were you checking me out?!!

Toguro: Botan? That's a nice name. Botan, Botan, Botan, Botan, Bo-

Botan: (hits him over the head) Right! I've heard enough!

Toguro: (remains alert) [an: the man is a brick wall, ya know] So where did you meet her? If it is a her, because quite honestly I'd swear you're a girl…

Botan: In a dream, I think. I'm not really sure where we were. The right hand corner of Koenma's bedroom?

Toguro: A dream? I think you might be worse than me. Have you had any of the juice Genkai gave me? It's great stuff, man! Or woman. Or whatever you are.

Botan: Uh, no…

Genkai: (leaning over chair to hide her laughter)

Toguro: So when did you meet Kuwabara's, er, daughter? I thought she was supposed to be hiding?

Botan: Actually, I didn't meet Princess Hiei-

Hiei: (interrupts) Okay, I'm tired of this! Can we just say, for the sake of argument, that PRINCE Hiei had to be hidden, though I would never hide from such inferior danger, and that PRINCESS Botan, an extremely athletic and independent princess for the time period, wandered around by herself and found me?

Botan: I think that's the nicest thing you've said to me so far, Hiei! (smiles gleefully)

Hiei: Hn.

Koenma: Fine, fine. (muttering) What a bunch of divas I have to work with!

Botan: Instead of meeting PRINCE Hiei, I met a peasant boy in the forest, who by chance just happens to match his description! So I'm running off with him! Even though I'm not sure he realizes the situation entirely…

Toguro: That doesn't make any sense. Aren't you a princess? You're supposed to marry a prince. Arranged marriages happen all the time! Take me and Genkai here, for example. I feel in love with her, but it wasn't meant to be! Instead, I was forced into a peculiar relationship with my freaky brother. Arranged by birth.

Genkai: Hey, that's right! What ever happened to him?

Toguro: (shrugs) I think he's around someplace. The way he moves around his vital organs really scares the crap out of me, so I leave him alone.

Botan: Um, I'm not really sure that it's the same thing…

Toguro: (shrugs again) [an: his shoulders should be falling off any moment now…] Doesn't matter. I'm…wait, what am I?

Genkai: (blandly) Ugly.

Toguro: Oh, yeah. Ugl-wait, no, I was something else, too…

Botan: The king?

Toguro: That's it. Anyway, I'm the king, so I say you have to come to your senses and accept your deplorable fate.

Botan: …to marry the boy I love?

Toguro: Yes! That's right! Isn't it horrible?

Botan: (sweatdrop) Uh, okay! (pulls out oar) See you later, "dad"!

Toguro: Right, later! You'll marry the boy you lo-wait, isn't that a good thing? My head is starting to hurt…

Genkai: (choking from laughter) She played you like a fiddle! Come on, big boy! Time to go back to the side room. We're done here.

Toguro: Sure, in just…one…mo..ment…(thud)

Genkai: (sighs and slings Toguro over her shoulder) Maybe I overdid it on that stuff? (takes another look at Toguro's sideways face, then sniggers) Nope.

Lights come up on Kurama's side of the stage. He's standing alone, starting to look rather nervous.

Kurama: Okay, guys, you can join me any minute now! Uh, guys? (turns around to find Hiei with a big smirk looking in at Koenma's office)

Youko: (internally) That looks…interesting.

Kurama: (internally) Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Youko: (internally; offended) Hey! Okay, mister, that's the last time I teach you to sew!

Kurama: What's going on, Hiei?

Hiei: Hang on…I think it's almost over…wait, no, that was a good one…yep, it's done.

Keiko: (emerges dragging Yusuke dazed on the floor) Humph! That shows him!

Yusuke: (mumbling) The horror, the horror!

Hiei: (smirks bigger) [an: I think it's falling off his face now…]

Kurama: (sighs and returns to script) All right, dear, in here. (gestures to a doorway standing alone in the middle of the stage)

Hiei: Baka. That's just a door.

Keiko: (glaring) Just pretend!

Hiei: Hn. (walks through door)

Yusuke struggles up, then notices Hiei standing beyond the door. With a wordless crow, he sprints forward, making an amazing recovery, and slams the door shut, turning the lock.

Yusuke: Ha ha! Bet that's got the smirk off his face!

Hiei: (standing behind Yusuke) Baka. What was that supposed to prove?

Kurama: (sighs) This one last gift, dear child for thee, the symbol of thy royalty. A crown to wear in grace and beauty, as is thy right, and royal duty. (scans the room and picks up a floor mat)

Keiko: Wow! That's impressive with all those these and thys.

Hiei: I'm supposed to wear that?

Kurama: It's the best I could do.

Hiei: Hn.

Keiko: Maybe you just need some time getting used to it. We'll leave you alone.

Hiei: (strangely jubilant) For a hundred years?

Kurama: Um, noooo….

Hiei: Hn.

Yusuke: Whatever. Let's just get out of here.

All three go purposely beyond the door and shut it after they're through. Hiei watches on, not understanding the ritual, but shrugging it off as some ningen thing.

Yusuke: I think maybe that princess highered his standards. I mean, what's wrong with a floor mat? I used to wear them all of the time!

Everyone: (unnerved silence)

Kurama: This just confirms my previous statement about the company I keep…

On the other side of the door, Genkai has approached Hiei and is currently beckoning him over to her. Hiei stays firm.

Genkai: (irritated) Look, do I have to spell it out for you?! Follow me!!

Hiei: I'm not stupid enough to fall for that! You're the bad character in this story!

Genkai: Argh! Okay, maybe you're not stupid, but that character of yours is a total ditz! Now move it, youkai!

Hiei: Hn. (rolls his eyes and nears Genkai)

Genkai: Good! Now touch the spinning wheel.

Hiei: (grumbles and reaches out to finger the thread)

Genkai: (out of patience) You are a royal idiot! (grabs a surprised Hiei by the hand and stabs it on to the spinning needle)

Hiei: Hey, watch it! Baka onna! I'll kill you for that!

Genkai: Get in line. Now, pretend to be dead or something.

Hiei: Onna, I've had enough of you bossing me around!

Kurama: (in a fake listening pose) Do you hear that?

Yusuke: (snorts) Yeah, it's just granny again. Being evil like usual.

Genkai: (eyes sharpen) I see our next training session will have to be particularly difficult.

Keiko: Serves you right, Yusuke. Now, open this door so we can save Hiei.

Hiei: From what? Genkai? (looks dubiously over at woman beside him)

Kurama: (sighs and opens door)

Genkai: (turns from glaring at Hiei) You poor simple fools. Thinking you could defeat me, the mistress of all evil. Well, here's your precious princess. Or I guess prince now.

Yusuke: That title is too fitting, grandma, or should I say, "mistress of all evil".

Genkai: Right. 500 kilos strapped to your back when you're running up my stairs all day.

Yusuke: WHAT?! That's not fair!!

Genkai: (cackles) Tell it to the judge! (walks off calmly)

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Um, Hiei? You're supposed to be asleep now…

Hiei: Hn.