Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Intermission ( Chapter 9 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

I'm really happy everyone enjoyed "Sleeping Hiei". I had lots of fun writing it! I'm still suffering from this attack of the "sillies", so it's on to the next chapter! We're introducing the next parody in this one, so actually usage of outside script will begin in chapter 10. Enjoy! Please keep on reviewing!

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Chapter 9

Rewind:

The bedroom descends into silence as our heros drift into sleep, resuming it's natural place in the world to be a quarter of relaxation. The only interruption is the occasional "my dress" that drifts from Kurama and Youko, gaining voice through the subconscious. It seems they will have to wait for Koenma to wake up to return to their own houses. [an: Mwhahahahaha! Youko: Shut up! Author: Meep! Okay, but just for now. Don't think your torture is finished yet! Youko: Wierdo.]

Play:

Another day dawns in the land of the underworld. The birds sing as young stand-in-King Koenma wakes up from his long nap. Hold on, are there birds in the underworld? What about bat thingies? Could those work?

Everyone: (pretending to be asleep) - XXXXX

Anyway, moving on. The young King, Koenma, rouses from his blissful slumber, only to find that his bedroom has become a haven for his spirit detectives.

Koenma: (yawns) What are you all doing here?

Yusuke: (angry) You made us put on a play for you, then didn't open a portal before you fell asleep, bozo!

Keiko: Good thing Kurama had a cell phone [an: they work in the underworld?] otherwise my parents would have gone out of their minds with worry!

Youko: (internally; eager) People can have out of mind experiences?

Kurama: (internally) You're showing your blond roots, you know.

Koenma: Eh heh. Sorry about that…

Botan: Well, could you at least let us go now? I really want to go see my new house.

Koenma: Um, well, I was wondering…since you're all here…

Everyone: NO!!

Koenma: Hey! Don't forget, I've got your ticket out of here!

Everyone: (assorted grumbling)

Koenma: Continuing. Since I've got you all here, why don't we put on another play?

The room is eerily silent as no one believes the small man's audacity.

Kurama: You're not really that stupid, are you?

Koenma: Oh, please. It was wildly entertaining. Much better than your usual exploits.

Yusuke: Look here, light bulb freak! Where do you get off doing this to us?!

Koenma: (angry now) Doing what? Oh, do you mean this?

A portal appears across the room, which Yusuke spots jubilantly and races towards. As he nears it, the portal closes and another one opens fifty feet from his position. This routine repeats several times before Yusuke finally catches on.

Yusuke: (glaring at Koenma) Stop that, you brat!

Koenma: (gazing calmly around) Why should I? I think you need to do something to sweeten the deal, Yusuke.

Yusuke: Yeah, how about not bashing your brains out?!

Koenma: In my domain? You're a bigger fool than I thought.

Kurama: (sigh) How many?

Keiko: You're giving into this guy?!

Koenma: (brightly) I knew you would see it my way!

Hiei: Hn. Baka. We just want to get out of here.

Koenma: So, how about five more plays?

Botan: Not on your life! One!

Koenma: Aw, that's no fun! I still say five, and I control the portals!

Botan: Well, we can determine if it's entertaining or not, so I say we're pretty even.

Yukina: Two.

Kuwabara: Yukina, my love, what are you doing?

Yukina: Well, I rather like acting, and I did enjoy the last play.

Koenma: (grins) Right! With Yukina on my side, everyone will topple!

Yusuke: You're worse than some of the people we've fought!

Kurama: I don't think we can just stay here until we've fulfilled all the play requirements. We need a break home, to reassure our families and such.

Botan: And you're not getting off without setting up my new house!

Koenma: Well, I can see how that may be a problem, but then I will need to have the agreement in writing.

Kurama: (nods) That sounds okay.

Keiko: Will we need to hire lawyers?

Kurama: (sweatdrop) I think the King of the underworld will make sure there are no loopholes...

Yukina: My offer is still two.

Koenma: Well, I might be willing to come down to four..

Yukina: I don't know, that seems like a lot. Two is enough.

Koenma is sweating and unable to use any bargaining tricks to break her resolve, like hard staring and jumping around the subject. [an: hey, I like Yukina!]

Koenma: Uh, how about three? That's my final offer!

Yukina: Two will suffice.

Everyone: (watching in amazement)

Koenma: (sigh) Fine, okay, two it-

Kuwabara: (dramatically) Don't worry, my petunia! I won't let the bad man take advantage of you! For Yukina, she will only settle on two and a half!

Koenma: (quickly) Done!

Yusuke: Kuwabara!!

Keiko: Oh no! What have you done?

Koenma: Right, I'll get those contracts written up! George!

The oni, who has been napping oblivious to the noise around him, comes awake with a start.

George: Yes, Koenma, sir! Right away! (pauses) What do I have to do?

Koenma: (rolls eyes) Get contracts written up for everybody to do two and a half more plays.

George: Oh, okay. (walks out)

Kurama: How do you do two and a half plays anyway?

Hiei: Hn.

Botan: Maybe you stop halfway through the last one?

Kuwabara: Stop hitting me, Yusuke! I only did what I had to in the name of love!

Yusuke: Idiocy, you mean! He was already accepting Yukina's offer!

Yukina: (to Keiko) I'm so sorry about this.

Keiko: (shrugs) It's not like you could stop him. I understand these stupid impulses. Yusuke has them all the time.

Yusuke: Hey!

George comes back in with the burly onis, Jade and Samantha. They are carrying huge stacks of paper.

George: Here's the contracts, sir.

Yusuke: THOSE are the contracts?!

Kurama: More like manuals.

Koenma: (sweatdrop) Uh, yes! Mostly legal stuff, how a couple thousand year old toddler can make contracts and stuff like that. You just need to sign on the dotted line at the end of it. Oh, and initial.

Everyone: (sigh)

Keiko: Um, does any one have a pen?

Hiei: Use blood.

Keiko: (chokes) W-what?

Botan: (shrugs) Might as well. It's like signing a contract with the devil.

Koenma: Oh, for goodness sakes! Pens are in the office!

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A week later from the infamous contract signing, the beginning of the ball and chain, the death stroke for independent creativity, the - well, you get the idea - everyone is again assembled at Kurama's house. Why? Well…I don't know, but they were. On we go!

Kurama: (back at the video game) Now, Hiei, you move Link around with this control stick. To take out the sword, you press B.

Hiei hits the button to hear Link perform his wide range of vocals, "hya!", "hup", and "yeahghhhh!", smiling when the young boy chops down some flowers. He immediately becomes absorbed into the game, ignoring Kurama's protests to "leave those poor Kokoris alone!"

Yusuke: (turning from the tv) So, do you think we can have a rematch? Without Hiei this time?

Kuwabara: As long as there's no - (lowers voice to dramatic whisper) - ice cream.

Hiei is momentarily distracted, but returns his attention to the game when a large lizard thing pounces on Link.

Hiei: Hn. Baka. Think you can surprise me, huh?

Yusuke: Okay. I think Kurama's mom went shopping yesterday.

Yusuke and Kuwabara run off to the kitchen to raid the fridge. Kurama watches morosely.

Kurama: Looks like mom's going out again today…

Keiko: (sitting at table) So, Botan, how's the new house?

Botan: (gushes) Oh, it's really nice! So much better than my apartment! I'm having my furniture moved in next week, so then I can invite everyone over.

Keiko: Your furniture isn't already there? What have you been sleeping on all of this time?

Botan: Well, Hiei said I should sleep in a tree like him, but I've been using Genkai's pillows that she gave me. They're really quite comfortable.

Keiko: Hiei told you to sleep in a tree?! (sweatdrop) How chivalrous…

Yukina: (not hearing the sarcasm) Yes, I think it was quite nice of him. He wouldn't usually offer.

Keiko: …um. -.-u

Yusuke comes back from the kitchen parading around a bag of corn chips like the hero of the Boxing World Championship. Kuwabara is following behind trying to grab the food.

Yusuke: Ha ha! The perfect rematch field! A junk food competition!

Kuwabara: Come on, Yusuke, just start already!

Keiko decides to be referee again [an: she must really like that job.] and splits the bag evenly in front of the two competitors. Building up the suspense, she pauses dramatically between each number.

Keiko: Ready? One……..Two…………

Yusuke: WELL?!!

Keiko:……….Three! Go!

Kuwabara and Yusuke begin on their wild food eating escapade. Keiko, Yukina, and Botan duck the flying chip pieces that come their way. After a moment, Kuwabara clutches his mouth in agony.

Kuwabara: (slurring) Ow!! My tootsh!

Yukina: Oh dear! (rushes up to Kuwabara)

Hiei: (growl…then) No! Baka fairy!

Link has just failed to target the boss of the third dungeon at a critical moment, resulting in a life-threatening shock that sends him flying across the stage.

Keiko: (sweatdrop) Somehow, everything feels like déjà vu…

Yusuke: (covered in cheese dust) I win!!

Hiei: (concentrating) Shut up.

Botan: Need any help there, Yukina?

Yukina: No, his tooth just cracked a bit. I already healed it up.

Kuwabara: My dental champion, my fairy of the tooth world!

Yusuke: Hey! I just said, "I win!!" Wasn't anyone listening?

Keiko: No.

Yusuke: (deflates) What's the point of even trying?

Kurama: Um, Hiei? You might want to save now. You're almost dead.

Hiei: Hn. Fox, I'll beat him.

Link suddenly gives out another bone-curdling scream and depressing music comes from the video game as the screen goes black. Hiei, irritated, stands up and summons fire to destroy the system. Kurama makes a quick dive to save his Zelda game, but can not stop the carpet from turning to ash where the Nintendo formerly was. Hiei, still angry, walks off.

Kurama: Crap. Mom's going to have a fit…

Youko: (internally) Aw, come on. If you let me out, we can go steal some more exactly the same color!

Kurama: (internally; debating) Mom or the authorities? Prison or grounded? Um…okay, we'll talk later.

A beeping noise comes from near Botan. After a moment, it turns into a merry little jingle.

Yusuke: Hey what is that? You got a beeping pregnancy test or something?

Keiko: (hits Yusuke) Where does he come up with these things?

Botan: Um, no…it's actually my new communication mirror. This is my tune for when Koenma's calling.

Kurama: (sweatdrop) It's surprisingly cheerful.

Botan: (shrugs) At least I'll be in a good mood before I answer it. (presses button)

Koenma: Heya! I've come to discuss the terms of the contract you all signed! You're scheduled to do another play today!

Keiko: Uh…we are?

Hiei: Hn.

Yusuke: Who actually read the thing?

Everybody: …

Koenma: Well…not knowing is no excuse! I'll send a portal over right away!

The group looks towards each other, then sighs in defeat as another portal opens in front of them. They trudge sullenly through, hoping to get the ordeal over with as soon as possible. The floor, Kurama notices to his horror, is an absolute mess, between the smoking spot in front of his tv and the chip crumbs behind his couch and table. He can only pray to return before his mother.

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The group comes tumbling out of the portal, not in Koenma's office, but into some large, foreign room.

Kuwabara: Where are we?

Botan: Um, I think this might be the old coliseum, if we could just get some light in here…

The room is suddenly illuminated, revealing Koenma and George in the middle of a large stage.

Koenma: Ah! There you are! Ready to begin again?

Keiko: I thought we had to put you to sleep. Why aren't we in your bedroom?

Koenma: Actually, this time you're just putting on plays for my enjoyment.

Everyone: Eh…-.-u

Koenma: And I'm full of caffeine, so there's no way I'm falling asleep through your next performance.

Yusuke: And just what are we performing, diaper butt?

Koenma: (archly) In the contract, that was left for you to decide.

Kurama: Can you just tell us what was in the contract so we don't get confused?

Koenma: Well, let's see. All plays are chosen by the players, no weapons or spirit energy allowed-

Botan: How about bats?

Koenma: Weelll, technically, those are fine. Where was I? Oh yeah! Play moves forward only as long as I am awake-

Yusuke: Hey! No fair!

Koenma: (ignoring Yusuke) -and I get to chose the roles again. I think that's basically all you need to know.

Hiei: Hn.

Yukina: (accepting) Okay.

Botan: (sigh) So what play are we doing?

Keiko: Well, we're doing really well with Disney movies, so why don't we keep on going?

Kuwabara: I thought I told you my reservations about those…

Yukina: Do you think I might have a bigger role this time?

Kuwabara: (quickly) But they don't matter!

Yusuke: Heh, I know, how about the Jungle Book? Then someone can hypnotize that stupid pretend king and get us out of here.

Koenma: I hear every insult you say, you know.

Kuwabara: Man, that was boring! I fell asleep halfway through! There's no good romance!

Everyone: o.o

Kurama: Oookay…so what else?

Yukina: I always liked Robin Hood.

Yusuke: Where are you getting these things?!! Weren't you raised in the demon world?

Yukina: I studied humans for fun.

Kurama: Somehow, that just doesn't sound right.

Hiei: Shut up.

Botan: (claps hands) Oh! I love Robin Hood! That's a great idea!

Keiko: Well, does anyone have any objections? (nobody answers) `Kay, then that's the one we'll do.

Koenma: Decided already? That was faster than last time. Now, for the big reveal on main character! It was going to be Yusuke, but since he's insulted me, he's out of the running.

Yusuke: What's the deal?! I'd be great as Robin Hood!

Botan: You're the hero of the main story. Isn't that enough?

Keiko: I thought you didn't want to do this…

Koenma: Instead, Robin Hood will now be played by…

The dramatic music comes back, echoing wildly in the large coliseum. Koenma looks annoyed.

Koenma: I thought it wouldn't follow me when I moved! We really need to find out who's in charge of stage direction around here. Hmm. So, Robin Hood will be played by…Kurama!! Which is rather fitting, since in Disney, he's a fox.

Kurama: Me? Are you sure?

Koenma: (ignores) George! Bring on the scripts!!