Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part IV ( Chapter 22 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Hurricane a'comin'. Joy. Just lovely. I'm so terribly thrilled. Darn, I hope the roof stays on this time, never mind the power! Wasn't one storm enough?! Nooo, obviously not, as this next one is likely going to pass right over my house again. Whatever.

So, this next chapter isn't out as fast as I wanted it to be, very sorry about that. Things got super busy over the weekends, cause I'm basically working all day, then I'm drained when I get home. Then this week I've been finishing up some actual work for school and trying to get my things in order (paying for books, courses, etc.), plus actually getting ready for the hurricane. We've got it right this time, though. Everything's non-perishable, so if the refrigerator goes again for weeks on end, we'll be okay. Anywhoo, updates on this story? Hmm. Might be delayed again. We'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to continue in my mother's work, but who knows. Anyway, please enjoy! Thanks for all the reviews!! :D

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------

Chapter 22

Rewind:

Toguro nods briefly and departs, leaving without a horse or any other form of transportation. His long strides quickly carry him off the stage. The cast watches, sweatdropping, as he seems to disappear backstage, where Tomoyo offers him tea and cookies, readily accepted, and another dime store novel, which all note with relief he turns down. Because not everything had gone insane. Yet.

Play:

Koenma looks relieved at having got through the entrance of Toguro without too many mishaps. With a quick prayer to, um, himself, he claps his hands.

Koenma: Okay, scene change!

Yusuke: (incredulous) How many scenes are in this thing?! I mean, we've done more quick scene changes for this than anything else so far!

Koenma: (counting on fingers) Um, I think about eight or nine, but it's not that bad. Lots of movies are worse. [an: (anticipating the upcoming torture I'll be putting myself through….) Oh man! Gah! (is run over by the set directing onis)]

Speaking of set directing onis, the current group moves in to disassemble the town. Through a quick bargaining deal, trading off newspaper ads for jobs from Ningenkai, Keiko manages to secure her painted background with mysterious Van Gough influence before it is consigned to the garbage dump. She places it next to Botan's leather sofa for safekeeping. The onis use the splinters of the previous set to create a dreary and dank forest, pulling another darkened set into place behind it. They leave, doing silly handshakes and speaking in muted tones about some sort of "Rebellers Anonymous" meeting in the church hall at seven that night, losing only two of their group to the nail infested floor.

While this is going on, the cast is suddenly shooed into motion by an insistent Tomoyo, who appears decked out in an apron with a pincushion tied onto her wrist.

Tomoyo: (brisk) Okay, it's time for new costumes! Everyone needs to come with me. Oh, but not Kuwabara-kun. He's done.

Kuwabara: (sighs in relief)

Botan: (looking down at her blue dress) Are you sure these aren't okay costumes? I mean, they'll work just fine, right?

Yusuke: Yeah! I'm not sure I wanna see what's back there!

Kuwabara: (shivers) It's weird, man. She's got all the costumes hidden in closets, but…the vibes I got off those things…

Tomoyo: (smiling) Sorry! (pauses) Wait, I don't need all of you, cause the main characters aren't changing yet, but, let's see. (pulls out gigantic script, highlighted in pretty colors!) Um…

Yusuke: (muttering) It's like waiting to see who was picked in school to do more work. Volunteers my butt!

Keiko: Shush!

Tomoyo: Oh, here we are! I need Botan, Jin, Yusuke, and, uh, Touya! I've already got the other character backstage.

With dejection, the "chosen" cast members move forward to go backstage with Tomoyo. The others listen in horrified fascination to the sounds that drift out every once in a while.

Jin: Ooooo!

Tomoyo: Yep, that's real…and it has…

Botan: …I'm not sure that's flattering to my figure. -.-u

Tomoyo: Oh we'll give it a tuck here…seam this…

Yusuke: What are you doing here?!

Tomoyo: Well he's…but Koenma thought…

A loud crash comes from backstage.

Jin: Whoops! Seems like I just broke yur costume there, Touya!

Tomoyo: I've got a spare.

Touya: (dry) Thanks.

Tomoyo: Well hurry…changing rooms are…there's your costume, Yusuke-san.

And finally…

Yusuke: I'm a WHAT?!!!

Keiko: (wincing on stage) That can't be good.

Hiei: (slightly interested from the girly scream) Hn. What is he?

Kurama: (sweatdrop) I'm not at liberty to say.

Tomoyo: Okay, Toguro-san, I think we're all ready for your entrance!

Toguro: …very well.

Toguro exits the backstage area to resume his position in the spotlight. He pauses for a moment, looking at the sign near the beginning of the "woods", apparently reading the sign, which points in two directions, one declaiming "Right way" and the other one "Mysterious and Wrong Shortcut Direction - Warning: Beast ahead". Toguro, after casual browsing the signs, moves onward into the forest without a second glance.

Genkai: (rolling her eyes) That idiot! He's probably trying to get himself lost! (muttering) Wants to challenge himself again or something.

Kurama: (quietly) Can he even read? -.-u

Keiko: (thoughtful) I don't know. I'm pretty certain they didn't check your eyesight at the tournament.

Genkai: (snorts) What are you talking about?! Of course he can read! Wrote me all those ruddy love sonnets and …uh…(finds everyone staring) …Battle crys! Yeah! o.o

Toguro: (smirking) …. …… … ……, ….. …. … ……..

Genkai: (blushing) No, I did NOT go girly on you! And soul doesn't rhyme with bell at all!!

Flyr: (snorts) Oh, that's the worst poetry I've ever heard!

Kurama: Well, the gruesome descriptions do make it, um, interesting…

Keiko: (watching Toguro) Aren't there supposed to be monsters in the forest?

Koenma: (sighs) Well, we did ask some guys from prison, but no one looked forward to it after learning Toguro was going to be here, never mind Yusuke.

Kurama sweatdrops as Toguro casually snaps "trees" in half by walking towards the darkened "castle" in a straight path, ignoring the helpful trails lined by nails set up by the set changing onis.

Kurama: He is supposed to get lost in there, you know. -.-u

Keiko: (shrugs) Guess he doesn't want to waste time.

Toguro walks calmly through the castle gate, never pausing at the "wolf" sounds that the by-some-holy-miracle-still-alive-chorus onis have been badgered into making. In fact, they seem rather cowed when he glances casually in their direction and shut up.

Keiko: (whistles) Man! Never mind the trap door, Genkai's matches, or Hiei's fire! That's pretty impressive.

Kurama: (confused) How have they been surviving? I swear they've died three times already! [an: Oh, the power of writing your own fic…]

Toguro: (entering castle without knocking) Yo.

Koenma: (jumps up) Wait!!

Everyone pauses in confusion as he claps his hands and virtually whole teams of onis pour forth to slowly and painstakingly turn the set around so that the interior of the castle is visible, a lonely two rooms made with the ever popular cardboard. Toguro's added weight seems to be slowing them down, along with a few interesting attired cast members, and several onis succumb to the wonderful blessing of hernias and slipped disks, so named because of the ability to escape to the hospital ward for a good week or two and therefore avoid any more tasks concerning this production. The cast watches on, ignoring Toguro for the time being and focusing on the new people. Flyr stares in shock before giving herself over to the giggles, Keiko and Kurama stand surprised, while Genkai lets it all out and begins laughing like there's no tomorrow, Kuwabara joining her in a few seconds, and Yukina remaining as happy as ever. Chu and Rinku are both grinning evilly as they view the scene, having forgot their differences for a united purpose.

Koenma: Okay, you can start again.

Toguro: (not changing expression) Yo.

Jin goes to say something happy before Touya quickly jabs him in the side. The wind demon is clad in glorified brass, a strange headpiece strapped on behind his ears, looking strangely like a cake, causing the pointed appendages to twitch reflexively. Beside him, Touya looks absolutely peeved, in as stoic a manner as possible, wearing a brown box and what appears to be a glass bubble over his face, obviously the piece that Tomoyo had to replace. By this time, even Keiko and Kurama are laughing.

Rinku: (struggling to hold back snorts) Nice duds, guys.

Jin: (smiling widely) Aren't they, though? `Tis a mighty fine color!

Touya: (embarrassed) Shut up. Just do your lines.

Jin: (puts on a serious face) Right!

With careful concentration, he minimizes his features, making his mouth go tiny and his eyes into slits. He scooches his outfit up to hide his chin.

Touya: …what do you think you're doing?

Jin: (concentration broken) Well, in tha movie, tha characters didn have any faces, so I thought I could…

Touya: (turning his eyes up in hope for a ruddy miracle…or maybe just escape) WHO let him watch this movie?!

Choking in the audience, both Flyr and Chu raise their hands. Touya sends death glares at both of them, but they seem to bounce off his bubble and back at him, as nothing happens to the two suspects and instead Touya stumbles slightly.

Kurama: (gently) Maybe you'd better move on with your lines, Jin.

Jin: Ah, sure thin'! (leans to Touya with a conspiratorial whisper) Old fellow must have lost his way in the woods.

Touya: (still dazed) Then just shut up and let him go away.

Toguro: Is someone there?

Keiko: …Okay, when there are people standing right next to you, talking, and you still can't see them, does that mean you're worse than legally blind?

Jin: (opening his mouth)

Touya: One word, Jin, and I swear I'm locking up the sugar for a week.

Jin: O.O …

Toguro: I'm intruding in your house. Do you even care?

Jin: ….(looking torn) …. Aw, come on, Touya! He's just a poor lost puppy! We can't turn him away!

Kurama: …a puppy. Did he even watch that fight? -.-u

Chu: (augmenting) Well, Jin always did have a good outlook on life, so, cha, I'd say that ta him, maybe Toguro looks like a puppy from really high up.

Rinku: (shaking his head) Really, REALLY, high up.

Touya: (slightly freaked out by this) Uh…

Jin: (taking this as agreement) And it's welcome ya are, sir, ta this house!

Toguro: (looking dead at Jin) Who said that? Where are you?

Keiko: Enough is enough! Look, Genkai, I know a really good doctor you can take him to after this, and if you want to have his eyes checked-

Jin: (jumping forward) Good day ta ya!

Toguro: (standing still as stone) Ah.

Genkai: (rolling eyes) Oh, come on, I know you can do "surprise" better than that!

Toguro: …Ahh?

Touya: (deciding any more of this is just going to freak him out) Good job, Jin, just brilliant. Now we've got one of the most dangerous men in the three worlds living under the roof.

Jin: Well, Yusuke's here, so that makes it two…

Keiko: (frowns) Where is Yusuke? He should be done changing now…

Kuwabara: (shuddering) He's probably too afraid of his costume. Mine ain't that pretty, you know.

Yukina: (smiling) I think it looks fine.

Kuwabara: (suddenly excited) Really? My delicious delectable danish, my mechanical mathematician, my mythical mermaid!

Genkai: I kind've miss having Yusuke here to shut him up.

Kurama: (noticing something else) Well, I understand why Yusuke and Botan are still gone, but where's Hiei?

Suddenly from backstage, evil chuckles resound.

Hiei: (smirking) So that's what you are, detective?

Yusuke: Wha- Hiei!!

Botan: Darn, I told you to be quiet! Oh, I should never have let you back here!

Hiei: I thought you needed help with the zipper? Plus some other things…

Kurama's eyebrows rise before a loud smack is heard from backstage. Keiko listens with an analytical ear, then nods approvingly.

Hiei: Baka onna!

Botan: (angry) Stop insinuating things! You're getting as bad as Yusuke!

Yusuke: Not by a long shot. I say you two were probably making out big-!

This time, a smack doesn't come, but instead a rather large thud followed by a thump.

Hiei: …hn. That looked…painful.

Botan: (huffing but proud) I don't carry that bat around for nothing!

Back on stage, Jin has decided to ignore the surrounding distractions.

Jin: (tugging on Toguro's arm) Ah, yer soaked to tha bone, lad! Come on, I tink we've got a fire goin'.

Toguro: …sure. (lets himself be dragged off)

Touya: (eyes big) Are you insane? That man was willing to eat me when I was dressed as a sheep!

Jin happily skips along, brining Toguro to a large cardboard chair, which he raises an eyebrow at, but nevertheless sits down upon, finding it surprisingly sturdy. The wind demon smiles broadly as a blue thing suddenly comes sailing out with Tomoyo waving cheerily behind it. It seems to be clothed in some sort of tapestry thing.

Keiko: (startled) Puu?

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Don't tell me…he's the footstool.

Keiko: Oh, no! Poor Puu, he'll be squashed!

Before she can rush out, however, Puu is already in front of Toguro. The large man takes one look at him before shrugging and putting his feet up, using the unsuspecting Puu. ….it seems blue penguin things are squishy, and the animal shows no bad results.

Keiko: ô.o …or not…

Touya: (closing his eyes) I'm not seeing this.

Jin: (smiling) And ya need a blanket, and, um, new socks, and maybe some good books, and a few biscuits…

Touya: (pleading for his sanity) All right, that's enough! I think you've done more than - Oophf!

The mightily stressed Touya is pushed out of the way as Botan emerges, dragging a now conscious and very unwilling Yusuke along with her. Hiei is pacing calmly a few steps behind.

Botan: Come on, Yusuke, it's not that bad! Just look at my outfit!

Yusuke: (indignant) You had Tomoyo fix it up for you! She wouldn't touch mine!

Botan: (sighing) But she thinks it's such a masterpiece the way it is! You should be happy about that.

Yusuke: Would YOU be happy if you had to wear this?!!

Botan: … …Hiei?

The fire demon grumbles about ferry girls not being able to do something by themselves but takes out his sword and begins calmly poking Yusuke in the back. The spirit detective ignores it until it lights up with dark flames, causing him to shoot forward into plain view as he curses at Hiei, who holds no sympathy. In fact most of the cast is far from being sympathetic, too busy examining his costume, an upside down cone shape around his torso.

Kurama: (thoughtful) I'm assuming you're a teacup.

Keiko: Oh! I like that filigree pattern on the side! When we get married, I want some exactly like that!

Yusuke: (slightly mollified) So we are-?

Keiko: (quickly) Uh, no! I'll call off the wedding at the altar but still keep the gifts!

Yusuke: (fed up) Darn it! Is there no good side to this?!!

Botan: (emerging with a sweatdrop) You know, that doesn't exactly make me want to get you anything.

The attention turns to her outfit, what was obviously at first a large teapot turning into something more like a coffee percolator from Tomoyo's slimming alterations. Botan smiles as she looks down at her dress satisfied with the results.

Yukina: (smiling) That's a nice dress.

Keiko: Um hm! I think it's a good costume ball thing! The bottom flares out so nicely!

Kurama: (puzzled) I don't see any zippers…

Botan: (moving forward quickly with a blush and Yusuke in tow) How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time.

Jin: Ah, tea, `tis tha finest thing in tha world, not countin' Guinness, course. Would love ta have some Barry's here.

Toguro: …(shrugs)

Botan: …well, go on, Yusuke, give him some tea.

Yusuke: Does it look like I have any?!

Botan: (slowly) You're a teacup, silly. Of course you have tea.

Yusuke: …Hey! No way! That's perverted! (turns to Toguro) Sorry, pal, but you aren't drinking any tea out of me!! I don't have any! Look somewhere else! Maybe that's Botan's thing, but it sure ain't mine!

Botan: No, no, no! Tomoyo gave you some extra stuff in the pockets! A thermos and everything!

Hiei: (rolls eyes) Baka.

Yusuke: (petulant) Well, he still isn't getting any from me!

Yukina: (pushing Kuwabara gently) Go on, it's your turn now.

Kuwabara: But-

Yukina: (smiles) You'll do fine.

Kuwabara: But I-

Keiko: (pushes him harder) Come on, don't just stand there, you've got work to do!

Kuwabara: …uh, Grrr?