Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part V ( Chapter 23 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Hey! Next chapter! I'm in a good mood, because amazingly, I've still got power this time! Last time it took me about a week to get it back. Not cool to be sitting in a house over a hundred degrees. This time, air conditioning! Yay! Bakura!!! (On tv, oh yeah! The only good character from Yu-gi-oh!) Anyway, um, after that distraction, on with the fic! Ps. If you can find the two fic titles I "subtly" inserted, you're good! (And kind've freaky, cause then you're probably reading my mind!) ;)

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Chapter 23

Rewind:

Keiko: (pushes him harder) Come on, don't just stand there, you've got work to do!

Kuwabara: …uh, Grrr?

Play:

Toguro: (deadpan) Who are you?

Yusuke: (bursting) Oh for-! Could you be any more intimidating?!! I mean, what was that?! A puny `grr'. Right. I about peed my pants right there.

Kuwabara: (making gestures towards Toguro) But-!

Yusuke: Look, I'll give you some lessons, kay? Forget that whole entire `grr' thing, it's just not working for you. It's your appearance that really makes the difference.

Kuwabara: Urameshi, that's not it! I-!

Yusuke: (not listening) Now, let's see, we could, uh, have you jumping out from corners! Like those Horror fun houses people can walk through! Or maybe, uh, singing! I'd be afraid of that!

Kuwabara: (veins popping) I have to scare Toguro, you idiot!! How am I supposed to do that?!!

Yusuke: (pausing) …uh, I don't know, but you just got my attention….(snaps out of it) Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Yell at them! Or, wait…move your organs around to different parts of your body!! Didn't Toguro say his brother was freaky?

Kuwabara: (frowning)

Botan: (sweatdropping) Okay, even he's not stupid enough to think he can really do that.

Kuwabara: Argh! It's not working!

Hiei: (eyebrow up) You were saying?

Keiko: (trying to be encouraging) Just yell at him, Kuwabara!

Kuwabara: (looks over at Toguro, sitting calmly in the cardboard chair) …you first. -.-u

Flyr: (thoughtful) Maybe we should just have Toguro hit on Yukina. I mean, he always gets worked up when you do it, Touya.

Touya: …Right. -.-u

Toguro stares at Kuwabara for a second, then shrugs. With a bored glance, he turns to Yukina.

Toguro: … ……. ..

Kuwabara: …okay, I don't know what you just said, but I don't approve!!! Mitts off my angel, you ancient baddie!!

Genkai: (quietly) That was just his shopping list. (pauses, then yells) Hey, I need a gallon of milk as well!

Yusuke: Oh! I want French Toast! Add that in!

Keiko: You really need to stop mooching, Yusuke.

Kurama: Kuwabara, maybe you'd best start your lines.

Kuwabara: (starts) Oh, that's right! (coughs dramatically) Who are you! What are you doing here?

Toguro: (calmly) Toguro. Looking for a fight.

Kuwabara: …. O.O [an: eep!]

Yusuke: (excited) Really?

Koenma: Not now!! These sets aren't cheap!!

Keiko: (sweatdrop) Down boy.

Genkai: (whaps Toguro)

Toguro: (no reaction) Hm.

Kuwabara: (shaking) Um, I'm so-sorry but I ca-can't offer you…welcome? …here…

Yusuke: (screaming) Put some backbone into it!!

Kuwabara: (fed up) GO AWAY!!

Yusuke: (satisfied) That's what I'm talkin' bout.

Toguro: (calm) Tough luck.

Kuwabara: Uh…may I inquire…just what you are looking at?

Keiko: (impressed) When did he learn such big words?

Kurama: (quietly) When did he learn manners?

Toguro: No.

Kuwabara: …(sweating) ….(breaks) Do I have to?!

Yukina: (smiling) Don't worry, it's easy!

Keiko: (muttering) for her to say.

Hiei: Hn. Just a weakling after all.

Kuwabara: I am not! (yelling now) So, you've come to stare at the beast, have you?

Yusuke: Yep!

Kuwabara: (plaintive) Shut up! This is hard enough without you!

Toguro: … (shrugs)

Kuwabara: (takes a deep breath, then squares shoulders) I'll give you a place to stay!

The orange haired teen walks with increasing slowness towards the chair, finally forcing a hand to grab Toguro's arm. It is uncertain what he is doing for some minutes, but as time passes, and the strain becoming apparent on Kuwabara's face, the rest of the cast realizes he is trying to force the big man up out of the chair.

Botan: Oh my! He must weigh a ton!

Hiei: …and you don't?

SMACK!

Yusuke: (smirking) So, Hiei, what does it feel like to kiss the ground?

Hiei: (muttering) Shut up.

Keiko: (thinking hard) Maybe try to lever him out of it? Brace your legs against the chair Kuwabara!

Kuwabara: (straining) Ugh!

Keiko: …how about tugging both arms at the same time? …no, no. Um…tickling?

Genkai: He's not ticklish.

Everyone: …

Yusuke: I'm not even going to ask how you know that.

Genkai: (veins popping) I asked him, okay?!

Yukina: (smiling next to Toguro) Mr. Toguro, sir, would you mind following Kazuma backstage for a moment? I would really like to get on to my next scene.

Toguro: …very well. (stands)

Kuwabara: WHOA! (falls backwards)

Keiko: (sweatdropping) I guess I never thought to ask…

Kuwabara: (shaking head) Right…come with me. (stands up and stumbles backstage)

Tomoyo: (backstage) Back again? Would you like some cookies? How about a book for light reading?

Toguro: …(shrugs) [an: uh oh…]

Koenma: (happy that's over) Set time!

Once again, amid angry mutters and frequently muttered catch phrases, such as "liberate the limbless" and "booby trap tacks", the set designing onis emerge. This time they merely drop extra sheets that seem to have come from Koenma's own closet, due to the frequent teddy bear patterns and pacifier stains on 450-thread count fabric, onto the castle set. The forest idea, which had been roughly demolished by Toguro's passage, is entirely scraped, and in fact, never once again appears in the movie, except for an almost pointless chase scene that can be readily synthesized using low lighting and dry ice. The house that Yukina had last been seen in has miraculously avoided destruction and is once again brought forward. As the onis leave, this time furtively leaving small pointy objects littered across the stage for the unwary, Yukina walks forward to enter the house.

Keiko: (sweatdropping) Are those tacks out there on the ground?

Kurama: (frowning) How did she avoid those?

Jin: (excited) Oo! I know! She flew!!

Touya: …uh…(turns to Flyr) Have you been giving him sugar?

Flyr: Do I look crazy to you?!! …don't answer that.

Kurama: (sighs) Well, best get started. (walks over to Hiei) Heh. Oh boy. Yukina's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh, Hiei?

Hiei: (suspicious) Why's that?

Kurama: Um, no reason. o.o

Hiei: …I want a script.

Kurama: No you don't.

Hiei: (raises an eyebrow) Hn.

He walks over to Botan and snatches her script away, throwing suspicious looks over to the kitsune before turning to read the script furiously. Kurama quickly puts his hands over his ears, expecting, and receiving, an outburst.

Hiei: I'm WHAT?!!!

Botan: (wincing) Can you yell a bit farther away next time?

Hiei: (threateningly) Brat…

Koenma: (claps hands) Good, now that that's over!

Hiei: I'm not finished yet!!

Koenma: (calling loudly) Scene change!!

….

Hiei: (advancing)

Koenma: (getting desperate) I said, SCENE CHANGE!!

George: (nervous) Um, sir, I'm afraid it's seven o'clock, and the onis have their, um, rebellion meeting in the church hall…

At this, Koenma looks entirely lost. Luckily for him, however, Botan stops shaking her ringing head to notice his danger, and Kurama, after searching his pockets, comes up with another life saving injection of sedative. With a quick pounce and drug treatment, Hiei has been quelled and Koenma's ultimate demise pushed off until another occasion.

Kurama: (handing script to Hiei) Now, Hiei, I want you to go inside and, um, talk to Yukina. You don't have to propose if you don't want to.

Yusuke: (muttering) Would he want to?

Hiei: (trying to get angry and failing) …fine.

Kurama: (slowly) And when you come out, we'll all go away and pretend this never happened, and you'll forget about killing Koenma.

Hiei: (trying really, REALLY hard to get angry) …. (fails) Fine.

Botan: (nodding) That's good stuff you've got there, Kurama.

Kurama: (giving Hiei a light push) Now…off you go! Say hello to your sister!

With slow, death march precision, Hiei trudges up the stairs and knocks on the door. After a moment, it opens to reveal a smiling Yukina.

Yukina: Hiei, what a pleasant surprise!

Hiei: Hn.

Yukina: (guiding him to a chair and skipping ahead) What do you know about my dreams, Hiei?

Yusuke: (eyebrow up) Is Hiei now some type of fortune teller? (smirks) Reads your dreams in a crystal ball. For only twenty five dollars per second, Madame Hi-ayh will interpret your most burning desires! Call 1-888-IMA-FAKE. Bwhahahaha!

Hiei: (can't find the muscle tension to glare) Hn.

Keiko: (smacks Yusuke) Stop that!

Botan: (sweat dropping) Actually, I think Hiei would be more likely to practice voodoo.

Flyr: (grinning) But he could dabble in love charms on the side.

Touya: (slightly interested) Do those work?

Chu: (slapping him on the back) Ah, come on, man, yer better off just goin' ta the bar and drinkin'! Sheilas will come to you!

Rinku: (muttering) The wrong kind of women.

Kurama: Hiei, maybe you'd better read your script now.

Hiei: …(holds up script woodenly and browses) "Hunting lodge" (eyes gleam for a second) "kill roasting on fire" (go back to deadpan) "wife?" What the-? "little ones with dogs…" I guess those are fine. Whatever they are. (reads more and sedative seems to be losing effect) But, "six or seven"?

Yukina: (happily) Dogs?

Hiei: (eyes go big) Children?!!

Yukina: (smiling widely) Imagine that!

Hiei: NO!

Yusuke: (smirking) Who's the poor woman? I feel sorry for her.

Kurama: (quietly) Probably Botan.

Botan: (blushes) Um…he hasn't asked me…

Hiei: It's definitely not Yukina!!

Flyr: (makes a face) We're not stupid.

Yukina: (reading lines once more) Hiei, I'm speechless. I really don't know what to say, though I really would love having nieces and nephews. Six or seven sounds just right!

Hiei: O.O

Yukina: (claps hands) Well, that's the end of your visit! Sorry you can't stay longer!

She guides Hiei to the door and gently pushes him out. However, because of the state of shock he has entered as the sedative has worn off amazingly quick with his demon attributes, he falls down the stairs and hits the ground with an uninspired thud, only to shoot up once more as tiny tacks attack his body.

Hiei: (cursing) [an: this has been censored for our, um, "young in body" audience. I'm not so certain about your minds sometimes.]

Yusuke: (whistling) Man, I think he's madder at those tacks than he ever was at Bui!

Kurama: They probably hurt worse.

Yusuke: (eyebrow up but shrugs)

Hiei: (muttering) Darn tacks.

Kurama: (steeling himself for the "unsedated" Hiei) So, how'd it go?

Hiei: (almighty death glare) [an: Man, Kenshin should get royalties for that thing!]

Kurama: (sweatdrop) Never mind, I didn't ask.

Yukina: …(looks around) …um, you know I'm supposed to be speaking to animals again…

Koenma: (frowns, distracted, as stares nervously at Hiei, whose death glare could turn reactive at any moment) That's nice.

Flyr: (grins evilly) Hey, Jin, come help me with this.

The wind master turns readily and both attack the unsuspecting Touya, who squawks in alarm as they quickly dismantle his cardboard box and rip off his bubble. In a moment, he is pushed on stage, once again wearing the cutest little sheep ears on the planet.

Touya: (put out) Baa.

Yukina: (smiling) Hello, Touya! (assumes searching mask) Is he gone?

Touya: (confused) Wh- I mean, Baa?

Yukina: (sighs angrily) [an: Yukina? Angry?!] Can you imagine, he asked me to marry him!

Hiei: O.O I did not!!

Yukina: (happily ignoring) Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless...

Hiei: (daggers out of back) Urk…

Botan: (sighs) Again with the throwing knives. Yukina's got to stop insulting you.

Yukina: (singing) Madame Hiei, can't you just see it?

Yusuke: You bet I can! "Come gaze into ze crystal ball"! Bwhahahaha!

Keiko: (hits Yusuke punctually)

Yukina: (singing more) Madame Hiei, his little wife.

Hiei: Stop that!!

Yusuke: (from ground) Well, she is tiny. Unlike Keiko.

Keiko: Humphf! (slaps his head again just as he recovers)

Yukina: (still singing) Not me, no sir, I guarantee it!

Hiei: That's more like it!

Yukina: (walking out into Astroturf with Touya) I want much more than this provincial life...

Kurama: Why? -.-u I'd be afraid to have anything more adventurous than I've already got.

Youko: (internally; taunting) Chicken.

Kurama: (internally) I thought you were the one who insisted we were kitsune?

Yukina: (singing boisterously to Touya) I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand. I want so much more than they've got planned.

Jin: (confused) What haf we got planned for tha lass?

Chu: (moody) Well, I was going to take the girl out for a drink… (forced to dodge several glares once more)

Flyr: (eyebrow up) I think Hiei dictating her life is the only thing she's got to worry about. (starts grinning) Unless Touya wants to start making some moves.

Touya: -.- Baa.

Yukina: (surprised) Touya! What are you doing here?

Botan: O.o He's been there for a couple of minutes, Yukina.

Yukina: (smiles) I know. I like talking to Touya. (back to surprise) Where's papa?

Touya: (muttering) Mr.-I-eat-sheep, you mean.

Yukina: Yep! Where is he, Touya? What happened? Oh, we have to find him, you have to take me to him!

Touya: (sweatdrop) You know, it's a good thing I've already been to the castle, cause I certainly didn't take him there. (shakes head and holds out hand) Very well. Come with me, Yukina.

Yukina: (takes Touya's hand happily) Okay! Off we go!

The two ice demons walk off together, towards the still sheet covered set, which is hastily put back into place and revealed. One blanket, however, has become stuck on a higher nail, and, after Koenma's many protests and loud shrieks, the set designing onis, who have returned with renewed vigor from their "Rebellers Anonymous" meeting, shrug to themselves and leave the bear adorned sheet in place. The house is shuffled back to it's secretive but safe hideout, and only a few lives on the friendly side are lost due to the ineffective tack booby traps, most having already been set off by Hiei's fall. Thus, the stage is set for new and even greater hilariousness - uh, I mean, acting, to ensue.