Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ When Fairy Tales Attack!! ❯ Beauty and the Baka Part VII ( Chapter 25 )

When Fairy Tales Attack!!

CoWritten by: Tuathafaerie and Nenagh24

Disclaimer: We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Disney films, or the Brother's Grimm. Note that any actual dialog taken from the movies might be interspersed without identification and that this disclaimer applies to any such lines. Please do not sue because of it.

Note: Any slandering of said Disney films or fairy tales is author intrusion and fully intentional. Enjoy!

Oh, I was gone so long! So very sorry, but things really caught up with me. Please don't hate me! (wah!) Here's your next chapter! It's slightly longer, so enjoy!

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Chapter 25

Rewind:

Kurama: (gently correcting grammar) Would.

Keiko: (sweatdropping) I'm not sure that went quite right.

Play:

Koenma shrugs and claps his hands, satisfied that for now, at least, Yukina is making this play shine beyond the other two in acting ability, no matter the shortcomings of the others. The set onis hastily charge in, pushing the castle away, and making Kuwabara fall over inside, replacing it with what appears to be a tavern. Inside sits a very hairy chair and quite a few tables, only with kegs that read "root beer" on the side. Kurama walks forward while most of the cast hastily dashes backstage to dress in their "townsfolk" clothes again, to run a critical finger over the chair, assessing it's worth, then nods.

Kurama: Come on, Hiei. It's your turn again.

Hiei: (eyebrow up) I don't think so.

Kurama: (sighs) Hiei, you've got what? Two more scenes after this? And…(pauses to whisper something to Hiei)

Hiei: …what was that?

Kurama: (makes gestures over at the castle and Koenma and whispers some more)

Hiei: Hn. Fine, fox. But only because he's been annoying me.

The cast returns, dressed once again in their villager clothes and looking relieved. Touya, however, is still firmly a sheep, as it seems he can never get a human role in a play. Hiei looks at them, then plops down into the chair, while Kurama smiles smugly from behind it.

Botan: (surprised) You mean, he's actually going to sing?

Hiei: (twitches) What do you mean, "sing"? (turns around angrily) You never said-

Kurama: (moving quickly forward) Ah, Botan's mistaken! It's her who's singing! Isn't that right?

Botan: (frowning) Uh, no, cause that doesn't quite-

Kurama: (claps hands) Right! Now, get on with it, Hiei!

Hiei mutters angrily and pulls out a script. After a quick browse of the lines, he decides to make quick revisions.

Hiei: Who does he think he is? That brat is going to suffer for this. I think I'll kill him.

Koenma: O.O Don't announce your murder plans right in front of me! That's assault!

Kurama: (sweatdropping) Uh, Hiei?

Hiei: (angry) Pushed into hideous set ups, publicly humiliated, made to chase after my own sister…I say three strikes and you're out, Kurama.

Yusuke: (eyebrow raises) Since when does Hiei play baseball?

Botan: Actually, I taught him one afternoon. He asked if a bat was only a weapon. -.-u

Kurama: Right. Are we the mafia now? …don't answer that. (shakes head) How about some root beer?

Hiei: …beer from roots?

Kurama: (hands over a cup from the keg) Just try it.

Hiei: …(shrugs and downs the cup) This is…strange. (twitches nose)

Kurama: (wisely) Carbonation. (stands straighter) Hiei, you've got to pull yourself together!

Hiei: There's nothing wrong with me.

Yusuke: (to self) I'd care to differ. Mass murdering does not seem alright.

Botan: (defensive) He's getting better.

Koenma: (panicking) No he's not!

Kurama: (sighs as he breaks into song) Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Hiei, looking so down in the dumps. Every guy here'd love to be you, Hiei

Yusuke: (snorts)

Kurama: (singing while looking into heaven as if asking "why me?") Even when taking your lumps. There's no man in town as admired as you, you're everyone's favorite guy.

Yusuke: Bwhahahahaha!

Kuwabara: (muttering) He's not mine.

Kurama: (chokes out his last lines unchanged) Everyone's awed and inspired by you, and it's not very hard to see why!

The cast by this time, has assembled themselves into the taproom, and is sitting at various tables. Yusuke is slumped over one counter, laughing his head off at "our hero, Hiei", while Keiko stands annoyed next to him, back in the red dress. The rest stand in various states of uncaring (ie. Genkai, Toguro) or nervousness (ie. Botan, and um…hm) as they don't understand why Kurama would willing submit himself to this. Hiei, however, has decided that the song isn't really half bad, as it seems to be praising him excessively, and has leaned forward in his chair to hear more.

Kurama: (marker sticking out behind ear) No one's slick as Hiei, no one's quick as Hiei

Hiei: (nodding)

Kurama: (smiling slightly) No one's next as incredibly thick as Hiei

Hiei: (pauses) What?

Yusuke: (renewed guffaws)

Genkai: (rolls eyes) Well, dimwit here comes close.

Kurama: (moving on quickly) For there's no man in town half as manly. Perfect, a pure paragon.

Kuwabara: (frowning) Parabola?

Hiei: (still suspicious) Hn.

Kurama: (singing innocently) You can ask any Yusuke, Kurama, or Kuwabara, and they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!

Yusuke: (blandly) Toguro's.

Keiko: (whacks Yusuke)

Kuwabara: (hand in air) Oh, oh! Yukina's!

Yukina: (smiling) I have a team?

Botan: Probably more like a fan club.

Chu: (thoughtful) Then like Shishi, eh?

Kurama: (sweatdropping) Actually, I'd still be on Hiei's.

Hiei: (dry) Thanks.

Botan: (snaps out of it) Oh! We've got to sing again! Line up!

With renewed mutters, the cast assembles itself into some odd pinwheel form as it turns into choir formation. Botan seems quite happy, but she's the only one, as she grabs a baton out of nowhere and taps it a few times before holding her arms up. She begins directing energetically to the unimpressed crowd.

Yusuke, Kuwabara, Chu, Rinku: (unenthused) No one's been like Hiei, a king-pin like Hiei

Kurama: No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Hiei.

Hiei: (frowning) I do not.

Kuwabara: Oh! I have a cleft! I think it reels in the ladies…not that I'd ever be unfaithful to you my darling dunkable cookie, my -

Yusuke: Can it! (muttering) Again with the food!

Botan: (nudging Hiei) You've got lines.

Hiei: What? I'm not singing, onna! (scans script) Of course I'm intimidating!

Yusuke: …to four year olds.

Hiei: (glares)

YKCR: (quickly) My, what a guy that Hiei.

Genkai, Toguro: (totally sarcastic) Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips.

Jin: (confused) We're donatin' hips today?

Flyr: (slaps her own) I've only got two! (bursts out laughing)

Touya: (eyebrow up) How did I get stuck with you people again?

Flyr: You're a sheep!

Touya: …baa. -.-u

Kurama: Hiei is the best and the rest is all drips! (pauses) Or how about lips? Sips? No, no, doesn't quite work…

Jin: I'm not wet.

Keiko: Is Kurama composing poetry or something?

Hiei: This is getting stupid.

Koenma: (innocent) Oh, well, guess we should just skip the tavern brawl.

Hiei: …what was that? Hn. Carry on.

Botan: (smiling) Gladly!

She holds up her baton to direct the whole cast, while they shrug and decide to follow Koenma's directive, amazingly still singing while they descend into violence. Keiko quickly ushers Yukina away (even though she shouldn't even be in this scene in the first place) but Flyr stays in to start bashing Chu and Rinku with beer cans again.

Everyone: No one fights like Hiei, no one bites like Hiei

Yusuke: Wah! Man are those lyrics right!

Hiei: (glaring) I didn't bite anyone.

Yusuke: (rubbing leg) Well then who…? Kuwabara!!

Kuwabara: …whoops? I thought you were…someone else.

Yusuke: (stares) … (turns away abruptly) Don't ask, don't ask…

Botan, Flyr, Keiko: (fake giggles) For there's no one as burly and brawny.

Hiei: WHAT? O.o

Flyr: (starts laughing her head off)

Kurama: (slinging rose whip) Hiei, it's your turn again! Pick up the girls.

Jin: (dodging) Ah, lad, ya almost caught me with that one!

Hiei: WHAT?! O.O

Botan: (enjoying herself in revenge for having to sing these lines) Come on, Hiei! I know you can do it!

Hiei: Stop encouraging him, onna!

Kurama: (pushing Jin and now Touya back) Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny.

Yusuke: (laughing hysterically)

Kuwabara: (frowning) There is a reason why I call him shrimp.

Hiei: (growling)

Botan: (sighs) Oh very well, but at least say your lines.

Hiei: …(pulls out script) …(veins popping) I'm not covered in hair!!

Yusuke: (dying…from laughter)

At this point, Hiei seems to have had enough, his patience worn thin. However, by extreme luck, or maybe misfortune, Botan notices the murderous glares making their way over to Yusuke and, more importantly, Kurama, and manages to grab the source before it can run away and start killing people. Jin takes this as a sign to start a dogpile, throwing Touya on top of the two, followed by a startled Rinku and unsuspecting Chu, and finally landing happily himself. Hiei suffers swirly eyes at the bottom of the pile.

Yusuke: (getting ahold of himself to say lines) No one hits like Hiei, matches wits like Hiei. …bwhahahahaha!

Kuwabara: (thoughtful) I don't know, there was this one guy who hit pretty much the same…

Rinku: (groaning) My back!

Chu: (whimpering) My [insert male anatomy]!

Touya: (muffled) Just get off of me.

Botan: Get off of me!

Hiei: (dazed) x.x

Jin: (hopping up) Oh, sorry, lass!

The other five slowly get up, Chu looking highly pained, Rinku rubbing his back, and Touya actually contemplating the murder of his best friend. Botan is forced to support Hiei, who has not yet recovered from the incident.

Kurama: (singing as if nothing has happened) In a spitting match, nobody spits like Hiei!

Keiko: (disgusted) Hiei spits?

Yusuke: …pwshahahahahaha! He's a camel! Hahahaha!

Hiei: (groaning) You're a jac-(is hit by Botan) -donkey! (turns angrily) Onna, stop that!

Botan: This movie is PG-13! Absolutely no cursing! (pulls out script and hands it over) Anyway, your turn! Just read your lines, kay?

Hiei: (suspicious, but consents as he's still dazed) "When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large." I don't eat eggs! And certainly not four dozen of the things.

Kurama: (musing) Yes, you probably didn't want to eat eggs in Makai.

Keiko: (interested) Why?

Hiei: (looking sick) Don't ask.

Botan: Come on, Hiei, only a few more!

Hiei: (rolls eyes but returns to script) "And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a barge." WHAT?!

Yusuke: Bwhahahahahaha-!! (passes out from lack of oxygen to the brain)

Keiko: (sighs) Well, now I know that can happen. Come on, Yusuke, get up! (starts slapping him)

Kuwabara: (frowning) That's not - oh! I get it! Is this an "opposites" song?

Hiei: (angry) This thing is mocking me!! The whole song!

Kurama: (sighs) Sometimes, you're incredibly slow.

Hiei is no longer paying attention and he starts reading the script with anger to determine any more humiliating parts.

Botan: (clapping hands) Okay, let's finish this right! Singing positions!

The chorus lines up once more, grumbling and returning from the tavern brawl. Interestingly enough, Genkai and Toguro opted out of the battle to play a game of Whist, and everyone has to wait until they finish their card game, then the grating noises begin.

Everyone (minus Hiei): No one shoots like Hiei, makes those beauts like Hiei.

Rinku: (frowning) Does Hiei even shoot?

Yusuke: (still out of breath) I think he impersonates me when he thinks no one's looking.

Hiei: (bland) Why would I want to be an idiot? (rolls eyes)

Jin: (confused) Beauts?

Flyr: Maybe they're paintings?

Jin: Sculptures!

Hiei: I'm not an artist! -XXX

Chu: (solemn) Ah, lad, don't tell me ya know nothing about the beaut? They're famous! Warm golden colour, rich texture, frothy substance, liquid-

Botan: (fed up) It's not liquor!

Kurama: Yes, actually I think in the context they would be wild animals that one has hunted and stuffed to be displayed, and - (realizes no one is listening)

Jin: So, would it be Scotch or Brandy?

Chu: Oh, most definitely Brandy, though sometimes you'll come across an excellent shot of vodka.

Kurama: (sweatdrop) - I think I'll just continue now. (starts singing once more) Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Hiei.

Koenma: No tromping in my sets!!

Hiei: (glares) This song is a mockery, you fool! (scans next lines with contempt) I do not decorate with antlers!

Botan: Nope! When we went to K-mart, you picked out all floral patterns!

Everyone: O.o

Kurama: (quietly) Quite honestly, I thought he would have decorated with ice cream containers.

Hiei: (angry) They were better than those stupid airplane and duck things!

Yusuke: Hang on, you were shopping in the kids department?!

Botan: (sighs) Well, I tried to buy clothes for Hiei there, but he refused. Bath items were next on the list, so we just hung around in the same area. I still bought him a rubber duck.

Hiei: (muttering) Stupid duck makes weird noises.

Koenma: (tired) Can we just move on?

Keiko: (surprised) You want to stop making fun of Hiei?

Koenma: No-(catches sight of Hiei going for his katana) I mean, yes! It's just, this is taking forever.

Toguro: (shrugs) Help.

Everyone: … o.o

Yusuke: Come again?

Toguro: Help.

Yusuke: (just the tinsiest freaked out) With what?

Toguro: He's got a room for her up at the castle. I said I'd go try and rally a mob to kill him.

Kurama: (sighs) Okay, I already know what you're talking about, despite your efforts to be deliberately vague, but for the sake of argument, who?

Toguro: Yukina.

Hiei: (smirking) So you want me to kill this guy, huh?

Toguro: Basically.

Kuwabara: Excuse ME?!

Flyr: (reading script) I don't think we believe you.

Jin: But…'tis true, me girl…'tisn't it?

Rinku: (rubbing back) Whatever. I'm too sore for a fight right now anyway.

Chu: (burping) Bring on the Fosters, Marie!

Rinku: (veins popping) On second thought! (leaps on Chu)

Genkai: (eyebrow up) Best just go and leave these losers for now. You can handle it later, and it's not like you need a mob, right?

Toguro: …(shrugs) It was for appearances. (walks out with Genkai)

Hiei: (put out) I thought we were going to form a mob.

Kuwabara: (sighs in relief)

Hiei: (shrugs) Whatever, I'll just do it later. Kurama, I've been thinking-

Kurama: (singing happily) A dangerous pastime.

Everyone: (stares)

Kurama: …well, it is sometimes.

Keiko: Coming from you, that's terrible. -.-u

Hiei: …never mind.

Kurama: No, no, tell me. I'm listening.

Hiei: (eyebrow up) Hm. …(whispers something to Kurama)

Kurama: Well, I guess, but that makes absolutely no-

Hiei: (kicks him and whispers something more)

Kurama: …oh. Okay, I can work with that. No problem.

Botan: (suspicious) What was that about?

Hiei: (smug) Don't you have singing to do?

Botan: (rolls eyes) Okay, guys, let's finish this!

Everyone: (grumbling) No one plots like Hiei, takes cheap shots like Hiei, plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Hiei.

Yusuke: (suddenly thoughtful) Oh, is that what- hm, question is, who?

Everyone: (singing ungratefully) So his marriage we soon'll be celebrating.

Yusuke: (smirking) Again, to who?

Everyone: (thankful the punishment is over) My what a guy, Hiei!!!

Hiei: (finally satisfied) Hn.