Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: June 27, 2006 19:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
There was a lot of OOC. Relena whimpering? Heero saying things such as "soothing touch"? It was a bit surreal to read and difficult to imagine. Also the transition from the Beach Scene to the last scene were abrupt/confusing. When the guard refers to Relena, whom he should be high respectful of, as "the girl" I think that maybe she's being kidnapped, and when we transition into the end scene, I though, "Maybe it was all a day dream?" The descriptions, however, were sometimes very original and interesting, such as the new way to state sweating waves of liquid fear crawled through their clammy skin. There were other moments, though when the descriptions were melodramatic, such as when you described Relena's tongue as "suave" and "young", I believe it was. Also, a careful read-through might be in order. There was just one glaring capitalization error with Heero's name somewhere during the Exacuation Scene. Overall, "Perfection" was not a bad story. For me, it was too dramatic at times, but it was well-written with good vocabulary, grammar, spelling, and a cohesive plot. Best wishes on any future writings, and thank you for submitting to FFRG! --Dee
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