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| "The Shards of a Broken Krystal" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: Ace94d [MediaMiner Member] On: February 11, 2007 15:51 CST
Comment/Review:
Very nice, and the only Star Fox fic here too. But still, very nice.
| Title: Please Update!!!
Reviewed By: Tails_Worship14 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 11, 2007 02:26 CST
Comment/Review:
You are the only one on this website with a Fox/Krystal fic and I love it! Please update!!!!!
| Title: nice
Reviewed By: DIPLOMATIC_FOX [MediaMiner Member] On: December 29, 2006 15:11 CST
Comment/Review:
i hope ya update soon this is tight..
| Title: Hello, reesespbcup
Reviewed By: Cuttail On: August 23, 2006 22:55 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
If I'm not mistaken, you're reesespbcup, the guy who wrote "Reality" and "Silence", are you not? I remember you reposting them under this name, but then deleted them. Why...? Well, regardless of your mindless deletion, I like your new story a lot, despite never playing/watching Star Fox (is it a show?) Your style of writing hasn't changed a bit. You focus on the darker side of the mind and use vivid details to describe, well, everything! Sometimes, though, you tend to get a little drastic with your description, but I guess that's better than not enough, right? Haha! Anyways, I've gotten through chapter 5, and I have to say that I'm more than impressed thus far. Keep writing and I'll keep reading, regardless of the name you choose to write under. (PS: If you're not actually reesespbcup, I'm REALLY sorry ^.^') But please, don't delete this one later out of nowhere. And if you can, can you bring back the Reality stories...? Just a request! ~Cuttail~
| Title: Chapter 5
Reviewed By: Anja [MediaMiner Member] On: August 23, 2006 14:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hmm, I liked this chapter very much. I would write a lengthy review, but.....*already reading next chapter*....no, just teasing. I enjoyed how you're giving Fox some emotions in this chapter and how happy he is to see his dad. I enjoy how you describe the settings, you have a way to put your own twist on things. You say things in a way that the reader doesn't expect, and thus keep his/her interest perked. There's still something, I can't put my finger on what though, that kind of slows the flow of your words and your story, but it's getting better and better with each chapter. I'm sure things will get smoother as the tale progresses. I can see that you're developing as a writer. One small thing I wanted to point out was that you should write "All right" instead of "alright". It's neater and thechnically "more correct". Otherwise well done again, I'll read the next chapter later today after I fininsh teaching my classes.
| Reviewed By: Anja [MediaMiner Member] On: August 11, 2006 13:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Yet another interesting chapter. I found one structural problem I would like to point out though. You wrote, {The gruesome image played itself over and over in her thoughts, and hard as she tried to disregard them, she couldn't help but wonder...} Since the image is your subject, you should have that she "tried to disregard it," not "them," since the plural thoughts are not the subject. Other then that I really enjoyed this chapter. I like how you played out and prolonged the emotions between Fox and Krystal. It's nice that you put in actions to show emotins, rather than just saying "she felt sad", " he flet worried," etc. Each time you put in an action that is small and subtle in creates a new depth to the emotions you're trying to convey. I must admit that I found the meeting of the crew a bit rushed, but that could just be my opinion ^_^. Good job again, it's a pleasure reading this story.
| Reviewed By: Anja [MediaMiner Member] On: August 11, 2006 12:39 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Comment/Review:
I have finally gotten around to reading this. Sorry it took me so long. I have never watched Star Fox, nor read any fanfics, but I must admit that you have caught my attention with your first chapter. I'm very curios to see how this tale plays out. I found a few structural problems, although they are very minor. You wrote, {Outside its three main entrances stood four guards each, all equipped with blasters and night vision helmets.} The word 'each' is not placed properly, and then sentence should look like, [Outside each of its three main entrances stood four guards, all equipped with blasters and night vision helmets.] You wrote, {His ambitions had been put on hold, however, during the Aparoid War, as the military was far too prepared for a measly group of stealth fighters to do any harm.} It sounds as though the military could do little harm. The sentence should look like, [His ambitions had been put on hold, however, during the Aparoid War, as the military was far too prepared for a measly group of stealth fighters, and they would do no harm.] You wrote, {Kune's plan was full-proof, and so far, it had been running quite smoothly.} I think this one is a typo and you meant "fool-proof." You also wrote, {"Alright, men, it's time. We shall ...} It should be "All right..." since alright is sloppy. Although I must admit I am guilty of using the occasional "alright" and then having my beta get mad at me. You wrote, {"...Also remember not to trip any alarms; if you do, your head is mine." } There should be a comma after "also." You wrote, {One of the members in the very back of the circle stood to his feat, his head lowered so that his cloak covered all of his face but the snout.} First, you don't need to say that he stood to his feet, since that's a little redundant, since I have yet to see someone stand to their nose or shoulders. Saying that he stood is quite enough. Also, don't use the word "but" but use "except," it's more 'proper.' During the battle scene, you wrote, {They then took the fallen one's saber and blocked the incoming strike with it, then followed by countering with their own slash.} It sounds as though only one enemy fell and they took that one enemies saber. However you did mention that two fell, so you should say, [They then took the two fallen fighter's sabers and blocked the incoming strikes with them, then followed by countering with their own slashes.] . Those were just a few things, I didn't go through and beta the entire chapter. You may want to get a beta to look over your chapter, just to improve the overall flow. Ok, now that the blah boring stuff is over, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, honest! You have some powerful phrasese, like when you wrote, {"Fine. Run away. Run away from all your problems. That just means she'll run away from you."} That was very good. I'm very interested to see how this story will progress and how the problems and characters will develop. I don't know the characters at all, so I guess it's up to you to show me what they're all about. Sorry about the editing, I won't do it in further chapters unless it's for typos. I'm going to read the rest of this, but my break at work is over now so I'll have to do it later. Good job starting out!
| Title: Review: Chapter 1
Reviewed By: keirberos [MediaMiner Member] On: July 27, 2006 14:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off, let me say that your shameless self promotion thread was what led me here. And, I must admit, it does seem a shame that a story that obviously had a whole freakin' lot of effort put into it hasn't gotten a single review. So, I decided I'd just have to make up for the lack of reviews until other people start noticing your stories. ^_~ Okay, with Kune, I like this little intro. However, you give a certain amount of background straight up in exposition, yet leave out some things. Like, his motivation for the overthrow, or how they got to be so good for only being a relatively small organization. I know that's not really necessary, but then, for a villain that's only present for a short time, none of it is very necessary. ^_^;; You might try to give the background details as their relevant, instead of in one expository chunk, so it doesn't feel like anthing's missed, and it doesn't feel like you're giving too much time to something that isn't the main focus of your story. I like the storm imagery with Krystal's angsty moment. Careful not to overdo it. ;D [The blue vixen … began to move her limbs, feeling their shouts of resistance …] Feel their shouts of resistance? :D Sorry, that one's just a bit too awkward to be believable. […his eyes narrowed, shooting flames of intimidation towards his old friend.] This one too. The whole 'flames' bit. ^_^ -Love- the bickering between Falco and Fox. You've written them acting just like people do. You'll forgive me, I'm not that familiar with Star Fox, so I don't know if you're keeping them in character, but I suspect you are, since the characterization is so good. Krystal too. She seems so very female. *laughs* Again, believable, and not only that, but interesting. Okay, so for Chapter 1, I think the main issue is your figurative language. Trust me, it definitely keeps the writing interesting and vibrant, but you have a slight tendency to overdo the analogies. Instead of going for an obscure metaphor, try using something that may not be as awkward sounding. Otherwise, keep at it, 'cause it does way more good than harm. Overall- great chapter! Your introductory scene was a great hook- interesting right off of the bat. You went a bit suddenly into the main plot, which is different enough from the story hook to make it a slightly poor segue, but once into the main plot, you kept it at a great level. :) You've got me reading this one now, for sure! -Keirberos
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