Title: Critique
Reviewed By: Enkida [MediaMiner Member] On: October 17, 2006 04:02 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hey there! I gave this first chapter an honest rating, since I think you want a critique and not just a 'wow, it's great' or 'geez, it sucks!' type of feedback. The premise you have is not bad; Cloud suddenly finding himself caught in Spira has a lot of potential for plot twisting and emotional depth. However I think you're shooting from the wrong angle here. You need details to get readers interested in your story. Not unimportant details like 'what Cloud was wearing' or 'how many different colours Yuna has in her eyes' but rather technical details. HOW did Aeris and Zack send Cloud to Spira, for example. It doesn't have to be spelled out for us, but I think it should be a little more than a fadeout and BAMPF! Cloud's in Spira! You also need more emotional detail. Even if you're writing a romance, it's important to remember that there are other emotions that are at work besides just the falling in love bit. I think a big one Cloud would be faced with would be, obviously, disorientation. Homesickness might play a role. Shock, most definitely. Maybe a little anger at being planted against his will into another save-the-world quest. I don't know, these are all just suggestions; the most important thing you have to do is put yourself in each characters' place (and not just the main ones!) and think, "how would I react to this?" Mostly because YOU would react realistically. Then, take your gut reaction and twist it around that character's personality. Maybe you would scream and cry; Cloud probably wouldn't, but he'd want to FEEL like screaming and crying on the inside. And that would be believable. This is also a surefire way to un-Mary-Sue any of your characters. If you give them all this careful treatement, either EVERYONE turns into a Mary Sue, or everyone becomes a real, believable non-Mary-Sue. That means you have to pay just as much attention to what Wakka, Aeris or Zack are doing, feeling and saying as Cloud... even if they don't get that much air time in the actual fiction itself. Finally, SPELLCHECK SPELLCHECK SPELLCHECK. Check your capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and un-center the text so it's easier to read. I can't stress this enough. Your English isn't bad, but you need to be more careful, because the little things are what make or break a fic. So that was the critique part; compliments now follow. You're doing a good job of flavouring your characters; I especially like how you pay attention to Zack's accent to set him apart. Keep thinking carefully about that as you write; not only WHAT a character would say, but also HOW they would say it. As already stated, I think the story premise has room to be interesting; it's not a bad idea at all. Just be careful not to write it too quickly; take your time with the emotional development of the characters, rather than plotting the story chapters from action-sequence/event to action-sequence/event. Finally, I like the small bits of humour sprinkled through the chapter; don't make it too serious. The water gun joke made me smile; don't be afraid to put more fun stuff in even if it's supposed to be a serious fic in the end, that will keep it from getting too 'heavy' (unless you want to do an angst fic.) Hope this helps! Good luck with the story! :-)
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