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| "A Matter Of Choice" Reviews/Comments [ 39 ] | | Pages (3): [ « ‹ 1 2 3 ] | Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 09, 2007 11:01 CDT
Comment/Review:
The part where Tegan had words with her uncle and where she talked to her boyfriend gave a realistic touch to this chapter that I appreciated. I like it when a story takes time to appreciate normal life and the chances of something happened, especially since it was about going to college. I have to admit though that I didn't much appreciate the second half of this chapter. Don't get me wrong, it was written out well, some vampiric tendencies showing in Tegan's resistance and all that. I also understanded what you were trying to convey with Demetriov(?) coming to her aid. However, it was a very roll-of-the-mill moment. Girl walkes home in the dark, girl gets atttacked by a bunch of criminals, mysterious savior comes to the rescue. It's a very over-used cliche and perhaps you should've conjured up another scenario in which they would have 'met'. Just to give an example what else you could have done: Tegan goes somewhere on her bicycle and gets a flat tire from a piece of glass on the road. It's dark and she's nervous. She tries to fix the tire but can't quite get it done. From a distance, Demetriov watches her, worrying for her safety as she's alone and in the dark. He approaches her and helps her fix the tire. He has his face cloaked so she can't see it and doesn't seem to look at her when he speaks. When the tire is fixed she thanks him and goes home where she tells the story, making her guardians worried about her 'savior'. Written out well with the right emotions and fears in place a scenario like this could have just as much suspense -maybe even more- then an all out fight scene. Hope I helped.
| Reviewed By: paniwi (nli) On: April 06, 2007 09:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Niiiice chapter. It had a good feel to it...now it's only going to be more sad then ever when her life gets torn apart.
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: March 25, 2007 11:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
no-one likes arguments? Of course people like arguments! Especially when other people are involved. Cruel, nasty and shallow, isn't it? Still it's true. Don't be afraid of making chapters that are long and boring. I mean, look at a general chapter I write, that's usually between 12 and 16 pages. Liked the chapter, I can't wait until we get to the meat of the story.
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: March 20, 2007 10:24 CDT
Comment/Review:
Liked it, you can come here now. NO, don't hide behind the sofa, it's alright. Lol. I liked it though, seriously. I did, in fact, felt more emotions coming off your characters this time, well done *all squeish that I could help* But the love declaration thing could've been a little more drawn out me thinks. I thought it really had this teenage thing over it (I like you, do you like me too?) I think the effect of it would have been enhanced if you, for instance, would have put a flashback to one of their fights in there. In this case, all we know is that they were pissy at eachother every now and then. Waiting for more!
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: March 15, 2007 09:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
Nice chapter. Heh, talk about a rushed decision. Torin's gonna regret this (of course, that much was obvious from the start) You might want to add a little more feeling to your dialogue though. Their words are great but try to tell a little more about how they feel and think about it all. Anxious to read more!
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: March 11, 2007 10:21 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well well, so it's still the sick, poor and unwanted he hunts after. He has feelings for Torin and now they're going off to an adventurous life. This is only begging to go wrong, even without the narrator bits that's clear. Good chapter, update soon ^_^
| Reviewed By: paniwi (nli for some reason) On: March 04, 2007 10:06 CST
Comment/Review:
A nice pair of chapters. I must say I enjoy the short 'narrator' chapters a lot. The way you let Torin tell the story there just adds something extra to the story. I'm quite curious to what happens next. I liked also the part where Daniel warned him. It gives a good insight in the twisted kind of world those vampires live in. The part where he killed the woman was sweet and endearing in a very fucked up kind of fashion. It shows that Demetriov hasn't quite lost all of his kindness he had in life.
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2007 10:25 CST
Comment/Review:
So...finally when he starts to accept her she dies. Silly girl, that Avea. I liked the chapters, both of them. The first more then the second because you are making me very curious as too who that person is. Oh, if you're looking for real constructive reviews btw you should go to the forum here, to the FFARG thread. They're cool.
| Reviewed By: Paniwi [MediaMiner Member] On: February 22, 2007 15:57 CST
Comment/Review:
whoo! Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! I can't wait to see where you're headed with your story. *smile* you made me realize how much I still am a beginner. *goes off telling people about this story* I like the insight you give in the characters. The only negative I could pick on right now is how...obedient Demetriov is too Avea. He doesn't even seem to be really mad with her. Maybe you could have emphasized that a bit. Otherwise, real great! I'm adding you to my favorites.
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