Reviewed By: Jason M. Lee On: April 20, 2003 00:47 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
*plugs up nose to avoid bleeding to death* DANG!! and i thought Komagata Yumi (AKA Sekihara Tae, webmistress of the Akabeko) could do erotic!
must admit, your's is on a slightly different level from what she writes (best example, the lemon fic "His", of Battousai x Kaoru fame). Yumi-senpai is more subtle whereas you write, er, a bit more openly. *turns red*
i have a few suggestions you could try: switch to "member" and "sheath" (or other analogies) for the bedroom activities. i know, but it doesn't sounds as corny with the original terms. this isn't exactly from experience but from what i've read from other lemons (fanfiction.net and a few other websites). *turns even redder*
last note: Battousai isn't exactly a noun but since it's a nickname, just stick with "Battousai" instead of "the Battousai". (i tend to see it as a proper noun, as in a given name, like Sano or Yahiko)
continue soon! ganbare! |
