Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Tale of Two Wallets ❯ The Matriarch ( Chapter 17 )

A Tale of Two Wallets

(An Altered Destiny)

Written by Jim Robert Bader

Proofread by Shiva Barnwell

Nabiki's Journal Resumes:

It's been two days since my last entry, mainly because it rained the night before and I wanted to avoid lightning strikes that might have damaged my valuable computer. Hey, blame me for being cautious, it'd be a while before I could afford to replace it with another.

The events of the last two days have really been something, starting off with the morning following that dramatic revelation about Shampoo and the old woman's delivered ultimatum.

I hadn't really slept too well the night before, and thank god the next day wasn't a school day because I lacked my usual pep and energy, so I was only half asleep when I drifted downstairs looking to enjoy a simple breakfast made by the loving hands of my older sister, Kasumi.

Imagine my surprise when I arrive and find Shampoo was there laying out a carefully prepared gourmet Chinese meal fit to feed several families our size, even taking into account the appetites of our two star resident guests. Kasumi was helping sort everything out when she smiled at me and said, "Hello, 'Neechan, look what Shampoo brought for us. Isn't it nice of her great grandmother to give us this complimentary free meal courtesy of their new restaurant?"

Now several things clicked in my head when I heard Kasumi say that, not least of which was the word "free," which never fails to arouse my suspicions. Contrary to popular belief I don't look forward to everything that has the word "free" attached to it. In my experience no one gives anything away for free, there's always something they want in return, or a hidden price tag to balance out the transaction.

The second major thing that registered were the words "new restaurant." I had no idea that Shampoo and her great grandmother were even going into business, let alone that they were already delivering "free samples." I looked at the feast laid out for us and mentally tabulated the price, then figured it to be one heck of a sample. If that was a sample then I'd like to see what their idea of catering is like!

The third major thing that clicked with me was Shampoo's expression. She looked up at me and smiled, then stood fluidly up and gave me the warmest greeting I had ever seen on this girl who-up until the night before-I had considered my worst rival for the attention of Ranma.

"Nihao," she purred, and with a look that would have looked nice on "Sham-chan" if she were sizing up a canary. She gave me a thorough lookover before adding, "You sleep well, Nabiki?"

"Ah," I believe I might have said, although my thoughts were far from that coherent as I tried to formulate a neutral reply, "Shampoo…what are you doing here?"

"Where else Shampoo be?" the Amazon replied, "I spend time with family of Airen, is good practice for bride, yes?"

"Bride?" I may be mistaken but I think my tone was a bit off key and higher pitched than usual.

"Shampoo and her great grandmother have moved all the way from China to live in Japan," my sister said with a kind of oblivious pleasantness that may have been even more without a clue than usual, "Isn't that nice?"

"Nice?" I replied, but before I could obtain a more thorough explanation Ranma came wandering in from the garden soaking wet in her girl-type form, muttering something about stuffed pandas when she saw me.

"Nabiki," she smiled, a smile that broadened when she took in the table full of food but became strained around the edges as she belatedly took in the sight of our guest, "Sh-Shampoo…?"

"Nihao," she replied even more brightly than before, and for some reason I felt a slight irritation at that but couldn't for the life of me explain what it was about her regard of my iinazuke that made me feel so uneasy. She reached for a bowl of steaming hot ramen with vegetables and held it up for her saying, "Shampoo bring you family breakfast, you like? Is good!"

"Ah…" Ranma backed away before giving me a wary glance as if to try and read my expression, then she arched her voice to a low whisper and said, "Nabiki?"

"Apparently," I began to explain for her benefit, "Shampoo and her great grandmother have moved from China and set up their own restaurant in Nerima…isn't that nice?"

I think that latter part was a bit exaggerated on my part, mocking Kasumi's pleasant tones, which in my voice probably came across as sarcastic.

"Nice?" Ranma repeated, and I'd swear it was an accident on her part that her tone resembled mine as she mimicked my reaction to a T.

"What's this?" I heard Akane say before I turned around to see her shocked and inevitable reaction to the sight of our purple haired wonder, "What is SHE doing here?"

"Nihao," Shampoo said with what must have been her first attempt at irony from the way she smiled without smiling at Akane, "Short tempered girl want special bowl of Ramen? It no too spicy, might even improve disposition."

"Why you…" Akane started to move forward when I saw the need for a tactical intervention.

"Shampoo and her great grandmother have moved all the way from China to set up a restaurant in town…where did you say it was again, Shampoo-san?"

Shampoo gave us the address and my eyebrows climbed a bit closer to my hairline. They were only a few blocks away, practically no time at all for regular commuting, which meant we were probably going to see Shampoo dropping by on a regular basis. Considering how long it usually takes just to get the permits to open an average business establishment, not just an eatery serving Chinese food under foreign ownership, I consider it pretty phenomenal. I decided I would check into the matter as soon as I was able, but at the moment another important point registered on the subliminal level.

I turned my head and caught sight of a by-now familiar walking stick, then heard a slurping sound and looked down to see that there was an extra body sitting-or was that standing?-by the table.

The old woman smiled as she looked up at Akane and said, "Sure you won't be having some, dearie? It's very good."

"How did you get in here?" Ranma asked, diverted from her momentary dismay at Shampoo's presence.

"Who are you, ma'am?" I heard my father ask as he came into the room to no doubt determine the cause of the commotion disrupting the morning routine of our household, then he took in our other guest at a glance and said, "Shampoo-san? When did you get back from China?"

I explained to Daddy, feeling like a recording device that was repeating the same lines with only minor variations. He looked at the old woman and said, "Your name is Cologne? As in Cologne the Elder, the Matriarch of the Amazons?"

"The same," the old woman replied, "And you are Tendo Soun, I've heard a great deal about you, and not just from my great granddaughter. And I take it this other one is my son-in-law's father, the infamous Saotome Genma?"

"Son in law?" I heard Daddy's tone climb up a notch as his expression grew disapproving, turning to the panda at his side and asking, "Do you know what she means, Saotome?" to which said panda naturally shook his furry head in denial.

"Your Japanese is excellent for someone who just moved to Japan," I heard Kasumi say as though she were trying to tactfully steer the subject away from yet another potential blowup.

"Well," the old woman chuckled, "You don't get to be three hundred years old without learning a few things. And you must be Tendo Kasumi, the one who befriended Shampoo during her last visit."

"Why yes," Kasumi smiled, looking quite pleased at the attention.

"Three hundred years?" I repeated, trying not to sound too ironic as I added, "Gee, and I wouldn't have guessed you were a day over two hundred."

My attempt at humor actually seemed to amuse the ancient looking woman but inwardly I registered her claims at great age to be somewhat dubious at best. True she looked like something left out in the sun to dry for way too much time, but there was something spry and lively about her that seemed to defy the reach of time. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew this old woman was dangerous, maybe a lot more dangerous than Shampoo herself. Of course at the time that I was contemplating this I had no way of conveying my impressions to Ranma.

"What exactly are you doing here?" Ranma asked in suspicion.

"Isn't it obvious, Sonny boy?" the old woman smiled, ignoring the fact that Ranma was currently in female form, "I'm here to begin your training since you don't have your regular school to worry about today. It seems only fair not to waste a perfectly good day, and this is a training dojo, after all…"

"Training?" Akane spoke up, "Why do you want to train him?"

"Because the boy is Shampoo's husband," she said with matter-of-fact logic, "That makes him my son-in-law and as much an heir to the Amazon traditions as Shampoo herself. You show great potential as a fighter, but there's plenty of room for improvement and I've been training the warriors of the Nyanichiczu for the past ten generations."

"Excuse me?" Daddy asked in that mildly understated way of his that heralded a major flare up of his emotional side, "I thought we had settled that Ranma doesn't have to marry your great granddaughter. Your laws say she must marry him as a boy but kill him as a girl. Quite obviously this is a mutual contradiction…"

"Don't argue semantics with me, boy," Cologne gave my father a withering stare as though sizing him up in a glance, "Ranma is Shampoo's husband, and she's already acknowledged his superiority as a fighter…"

"So how does that make him into her husband?" Akane wanted to know, "Just because the jerk knows some fancy moves doesn't mean those two deserve each other. Besides, the Baka's already engaged to my sister, Nabiki."

"That's right!" Daddy declared, reassured that at least someone else was taking his position, "Ranma will marry my daughter, Nabiki, and carry on the Anything Goes tradition. It's already been decided and you'll just have to get used to the idea."

"Three thousand years of Chinese Amazon tradition are on the line here," Cologne said with clear irritation in her voice, "You're going to have to make the concessions here as there is no way I will allow my great granddaughter to be passed over because of a foolish promise you two gentlemen made to one another."

"Yeah, whatever," Ranma sniffed, "But there's no way I'm marrying Shampoo, you got that? This ain't China, it's Japan, and the law here says I can marry whoever I want!"

"I thought we already had established that you can marry the Tendo girl and still be acknowledged as Shampoo's husband," the old woman shot back, "Shampoo explained everything to me about your devotion to Nabiki, but there's no reason for you to choose one above the other, so why are you being so stubborn about accepting the marriage?"

"Excuse me," Kasumi said politely, "But isn't having two wives considered bigamy? I've read up about the laws in China, and you must admit that Ranma does have a point. If he married both of them it wouldn't be legal."

"You're talking about the laws of Japan and China," Cologne replied with surprising gentleness in her tone, "But Amazon law goes beyond traditional boundaries and the petty laws erected by shortsighted men. It applies to Amazons wherever they go. If it were otherwise then they could escape the law by simply moving to a different province. Shampoo is the current reigning Champion of our village, and as such she is expected to set an example for the other girls in her age class. As Matriarch of the tribe I am expected to uphold that example. To defy tradition would bring dishonor to our house and family, something I know Shampoo does not want and I will not permit, so I'm afraid that I will have to insist on declaring the marriage legal. Ranma is Shampoo's husband and Nabiki Tendo is their acknowledged consort."

"What?" I declared, feeling suddenly as though I had been devalued.

"That is how the laws of the Joketsuzoku will view you," Cologne replied gravely, "So go ahead and marry the boy in Japan. Let the law here consider your marriage legitimate, you are effectively already married to both Shampoo and Ranma by my great granddaughter's decision."

"You can't make my Nabiki accept such an arrangement!" Daddy declared hotly, glaring hard at the old woman as he continued, "She will marry Ranma and no other! That is my decision as head of this household…"

"Silk was right about you, you are cute when you get angry," Cologne smiled at my father in a way that caused him to abruptly fall silent, and I wondered what unspoken message was being conveyed here. Who was Silk, and why did Daddy looked so pale all of a sudden.

"Silk?" Akane frowned, "What are you talking about? What's she talking about, Dad?"

"Ah…" our father stammered, and I saw Genma glanced skyward as though to avoid looking in our direction, "Nothing…nothing to be concerned about here. Would you mind explaining to me how it is that your laws permit a man to have more than one wife?"

"It's rare but it has sometimes been known to happen," Cologne replied gravely, "When two warriors of equal or similar rank share a common interest in the same man it is permitted for them to agree to share joint status as co-wives. This was done to insure domestic harmony as only women who have explored the unique problems faced by such an arrangement are likely to agree to co-marriage. It was also done to insure the continuance of family lines, which are always countered as descending from the mother's family side of the union. Also too the modern age too often tempts our younger men to leave the village in favor of the big cities so that there are fewer boys of marriageable age than young women. Sharing a man is preferable to having two warriors fight with only the winner taking him for a husband. Far better to share than for entire families to die out without issue."

"I see," Kasumi remarked, "When put that way it does sound like a sensible arrangement."

I was flabbergasted to see my older sister was conceding to such a thing, but before I could say anything Ranma beat me to the punch.

"You've got to be kidding me!" she said, "You not only want me to marry both women but…start a family together with 'em both?"

"If you don't think you're man enough to satisfy to women simultaneously then I could suggest some techniques to build up your stamina," the old woman said with a totally straight expression.

"Forget it!" Ranma declared flatly, "I'm not marrying nobody just because some dried up old ghoul says I've got to! You think I'm some kind of a prize trophy you can carry off back to China or something?"

"Ranma," Shampoo suddenly shot to her feet, "You no want Amazon Bride? That fine with Shampoo! Who want pervert boy who turn into girl but think he man enough for Amazon? You no that special," and with a huff she folded her arms under her ample chest and turned her back on him as though to ignore her.

Ranma stood where she was looking flabbergasted at the sudden change in tone, and with her pride being so obviously rebuffed she naturally fell into a trap that I could see coming from a mile away, "Wha-? Wait a minute here, Shampoo! I'm not saying that you're not attractive or nothin', and you are a pretty nice girl when you wanna be, but you can't expect me to just go along with this…I mean, it ain't right! One guy with two girls…"

"So you say," Shampoo snorted, "Sound like cheap excuse, you no want to be man enough for both Shampoo and Nabiki."

"Huh?" now I really could see Ranma's pride was being dented as she took another step into the relentless trap Shampoo was building, "I'm man enough! I'm not rejecting you because of that, and if there's anybody besides Nabiki I wouldn't mind spending some time with…well…you'd be at the top of the list, but…"

"Then why you so reluctant say so?" Shampoo gave her a haughty glance over her shoulder, and it suddenly occurred to me just whose style she was copying by these coy little gestures, "You think Shampoo some worthless cow no can date because she no worthy you notice?"

"Hey, that's not it at all!" Ranma protested for the third time, taking a step forward, "I think you're great! I mean, not just as a martial artist, but you're a…well…you're just nice…and-HEY!"

The latter part was said in protest of the hot water that was being rudely poured over her head by Ranma's father, who had already converted back from panda form.

"Tell her, boy," Genma advised, "Be a man about it. Show her why you can only marry Nabiki and no other."

"I…" Ranma looked at his now-male body then unconsciously straightened out as he turned to regard Shampoo with an earnest expression, "Shampoo…it's not like I wanted it to be this way, and I guess I do owe you something for putting you on the spot like this…I…I don't want to see you hurt or dishonored or nothing like that…I…"

"You no have to say anything, Ranma," Shampoo fully turned her back on him, though I had seen the coy study she had given him once he had completed his transformation and knew her tone to be patently false as she said, "You no want to be man, you only want to have way with Amazon girl then no marry because you think you too good for her. Shampoo no want boy who think she worthless pig dung…"

Ranma made a strangled sound of frustration and took a step forward before he managed to get out, "You're not worthless! I think you…well…you're special. It's just…I mean…I want…I…"

"Yes?" Shampoo halfway turned towards him with a questioning look in her eyes, "What you want, Ranma?"

I saw him hesitating as if he were only just beginning to suspect how far he was sticking his neck out, and with everybody watching him intently his innate shyness came into play, "Uh…well, you're special, that's just it. You know what I mean?"

"No," she smiled, "But maybe you tell sometime, if you think Shampoo important."

Ranma looked stymied, but his expression darkened when the old woman began to laugh softly at his discomfort. He glared at her and said, "What's so funny?"

"You, Sonny Boy," Cologne replied, "Here you are a great fighter, able to defeat my great granddaughter and win the heart of the Tendo girl, but given a simple task like telling either girl how you really feel about them you just go all to pieces."

"Hey!" Ranma protested, "You think it's easy? What would you know about it, you dried up old…OW!"

Quicker than a striking cobra the old woman's staff struck out and hit Ranma hard enough to drive him to his knees. Cologne perched atop her staff and said, "You left yourself wide open there, Sonny Boy, and who are you calling dried up? I'll have you know when I was Shampoo's age I was considered quite a beauty."

"I've had just about enough out of you!" Ranma snarled as he struck out with one hand, only to once again receive a rap on the head as the old woman evaded him with ease. Ranma straightened up and tried to find the old woman but was a little too slow in getting his guard up and got clobbered again, only this time he was braced to receive the impact.

"Too slow, Son-in-law," the old woman taunted, "You've got to be faster than that if you want to stand up to an Amazon, let alone the supreme elder of the Joketsuzoku."

"Why you…" Ranma cried as the old woman vaulted out the door into the back garden area, and then the fight began in earnest, raging from one end of the yard to the other and back into the house again with a rapid exchange of punches and kicks that literally defied the eye to follow. Ranma fought with a ferocity I'd not seen since the skating match, only here he was faced by an opponent who actually surpassed him in ability as was plain even to me from the onset.

"Looks like Ranma's in way over his head," I heard Akane note as she idly sipped from her bowl of rapidly cooling ramen. I noticed that everyone else was digging in, ignoring the fight as though it were taking part in some other province. I might well have joined them myself but for some reason I did not feel all that hungry at the moment.

Shampoo joined me on the porch as we watched the exchange between Ranma and her great grandmother, but seeing how the old woman was playing with our mutual love interest I turned my attention to her and said, "Shampoo…what's this all about? What are you and the old woman up to setting up that restaurant so close to our house?"

She glanced briefly at me and made a tiny smirk, then said, "We already tell you, sneaky girl. Shampoo come for husband and co-wife and great grandmother here to see that bride not go home empty handed."

"It's that simple for you, is it?" I asked, pausing to turn to the side as Cologne and Ranma rushed past us without seeming to notice us in the passing, "You press your suit and you expect the both of us to go along with you?"

Shampoo turned fully to me and said, "You angry because Shampoo deceive you, pretend to be harmless Sham-chan to get close to sneaky girl. You wonder why Shampoo do this thing?"

"No," I replied with a sigh, "You had your reasons, what with the trick I pulled on you, and your great grandmother knocking you into that cursed spring…"

"Hmph," Shampoo sniffed, but I saw her reddish brown eyes turn down in reflective thought, "You not know what it like to be cursed, to feel body change, to lose part of you self when you become… something different. It no like any experience you know, so Shampoo very unhappy, even more unhappy learn that cursed form is thing most feared by Ranma."

I looked into her expression and read the pain that was there and I wondered how it was that I could feel empathy for someone who had violated my trust so thoroughly and invaded my privacy on a level that no one else ever had. By all rights I should have been angry with her, or furious, or called her names and told her to leave, but instead I just looked at her and regretted my part in ever causing her to suffer.

"Shampoo," I said, ignoring the close duel taking place between Ranma and Cologne only a few meters away from us, "When…when you were a cat and pretending to be my pet…"

"Yes?" she asked, meeting my gaze with her own neutral expression.

"Were you really just pretending with me?" I asked, knowing as I said this that it was the question I had most wanted to ask her since the night before. In many ways I was still in shock about the revelation of her cat curse, but I've had a lot of practice in controlling my emotions and not allowing them to overrule my judgement.

"How you mean?" she asked, looking confused although I suspect she already knew what I was asking.

"I…" I started to say when instinct cause both of us to step away from one another as the space between us was suddenly filled with the hurtling shape of Ranma, arcing like a guided missile on an unerring course towards the koi pond.

"Three thousand years of Chinese Amazon history can't be defeated that easily, Boy," Cologne said, "Now come on! Put some back into it! Show me what you're really got and don't hold back just because I'm a frail and helpless old woman."

"Frail?" we heard Ranma sputter as she climbed out of the koi pond, looking like an indignant wet hen but in no way diminishing her fighting spirit.

"Ranma!" both Shampoo and I said in unison, but as we each turned towards the kitchen we found Kasumi standing there with two outstretched kettles as if she had expected this long in advance of anyone else. We both thanked her and were rewarded by her gentle smile as we then turned and rushed into the garden as though in a race to see which one of us would get there first to offer a kettle to Ranma.

By all rights Shampoo should have beaten me by a country mile, but I suspect that she was holding back a little on my account, so it really wasn't that much of a race as I was breathing hard and she was not. Ranma looked at both of us questioningly, then rather than favor one over the other she took both kettles and upended them over her head, changing back to male form as he filled out before our eyes, and I'm pretty sure both Shampoo and me enjoyed a similar thrill in witnessing this by-now familiar transformation.

"All right," Ranma said as he assumed a fighting crouch, "Where were we?"

"Right about here," the old woman chuckled, and suddenly she headed for the wall, vaulting it easily.

"Hey, come back here! I'm not done with you yet!" Ranma cried and promptly followed Cologne over the wall in a single bound.

"Haiya," Shampoo remarked at my side, "Ranma still want challenge Elder? He very determined fighter."

"More like too stubborn to admit he's outclassed," I replied with a sigh, "A regular glutton for punishment."

"We go see how fight turns out, yes?" Shampoo asked me in an almost comradely fashion.

"Why not?" I shrugged, "I'm a glutton for punishment too. Must be in both our natures."

Almost the entire household joined us as we followed the chase for a couple of blocks until we arrived at a crossroads between alleys where the fight had taken on a really bizarre dimension as we found Ranma faced by not one Cologne but no less than eighteen separate versions surrounding him in a circle. I was wondering what the heck was going on there when my father clarified everything for me.

"It's the legendary Amazon Splitting Cat Hairs!" he declared in that emotional way of his that showed me he still had great passion for the art, "Oh, that I should live to see it!" to which Genma, at his side, nodded in agreement.

It occurred to me just then that Daddy was displaying more familiarity with Amazon lore and culture than I would have thought likely under the circumstances and I remembered the brief mention of someone named Silk who was apparently a mutual acquaintance between himself and Cologne, and with a name like that it was not hard to draw the association. There was a lot more to the story here than I had even suspected, but at the moment it was Ranma's dilemma that held my primary interest.

I had not until that moment suspected that the old woman was some sort of magician, or a very skilled illusionist, but it was plain enough to me that Ranma could not tell one image from another, and as a consequence was being clobbered at random. I analyzed the attack pattern Cologne was using and saw at once how difficult it would be to sort between the images to find the real Elder, but it dawned on me one way that Ranma could overcome the distracting barrage that surrounded him from all sides.

"Ranma!" I called out as I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "Don't look at the images! That's just how she's trying to confuse you! Use your other senses!"

Ranma apparently heard me or had been working it out for himself along parallel channels because I saw him close his eyes and relax his posture, and after a moment he suddenly turned and pointed. To my surprise it wasn't Cologne's images that caught his interest as he vaulted over them to where a kid was chewing on a piece of fried chicken. Snatching the drumstick out of the kid's hand he lobbed it high into the air and suddenly the images faded as the real Cologne snatched the drumstick out of mid air and began eating.

"Hah!" Ranma declared while the kid he robbed was giving him a blank-eyed expression, "I got you!"

"I knew I shouldn't have started this fight on an empty stomach," Cologne remarked as she spat out the chicken bone, then smiled at Ranma and said, "You're not half bad, Son-In-Law. That was an excellent strategy, even if the Tendo girl did kibitz on the side. You show great potential…we'll pick this up again another time."

And with that she vaulted away again as Ranma declared hotly, "Hey! Come back here!" and went after her again.

"Hiyaa," Shampoo turned away from the battlefield to look at me in mild surprise, "You see right through Great Grandmother's attack? You are potent Lore Master…"

"Shampoo," I said, "What is a Lore Master? You keep calling me that, but I don't know what it is!"

"No can say much," Shampoo replied evasively, "Great Grandmother say it not Shampoo place to tell you. You find out when Lore Master come to Nerima to teach you…"

"What?" I said, "You mean your great grandmother isn't going to do the job herself?" I inwardly shuddered, having just witnessed the old woman's notion of training.

The purple haired wonder before me shook her head sadly and replied, "Great Grandmother War Master, no Lore Master. She teach Airen because he great War Master potential, but Lore Master very different kind of discipline. Among Amazons the Lore Master command much respect, very powerful, no like other kinds of Amazons, like Warriors, Mages and Healers."

"Wait a second," I said, "You mean not everybody in Joketsuzoku is a Warrior?"

"Trained for war, but no everyone become warrior," Shampoo replied, "Amazons have different casts…workers and laborers on bottom; merchants, craftsman and artisans above, then come Warriors and Healers with Mages and Lore Masters above that. Tribe reflect all disciplines, all casts represented by Elders. Great Grandmother senior Elder of tribe, oldest woman of Amazons, but even she respect Lore Master Lo Xion, who is greatest of village."

"Lotion?" I replied with a very odd sense of ennui at hearing the name being spoken, "She's the one coming here to train me?"

Shampoo nodded, "Amazon warrior arts three thousand year history, but Lore Masters much, much more ancient than Amazons themselves. Lore Masters are preservers of tribal history and culture, know many things, are keepers of knowledge. You know when Elder Lo Xion arrive, that when you training begin, and Shampoo no say anything more about it."

"Right," I said, "But suppose I don't want this Lore Master training? I'm perfectly content the way I am, thank you. I don't suppose she'd turn around and leave if I said this?"

The Amazon looked at me as if I had suddenly grown horns and a tail and was sporting a pair of fangs like an Oni. She blinked once then in a voice that held the tremble of honest fear replied, "No one refuse Lo Xion the Elder. Even Great Grandmother no challenge her when she make declaration. They no get along very much, but Great Grandmother much respect Lo Xion and take counsel she advise. No one else Great Grandmother give way to but Lo Xion. You no want refuse her if she decide you be Lore Master."

I had to take that one in slowly. The idea that there was somebody the old woman was afraid of was scary, to say the least. I decided not to press the issue any farther until this mysterious Lotion showed up and explains things herself in terms that I can understand and relate to. If there is one thing living with Ranma has taught me it's that future can't always be anticipated, and that whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not we have anything to say about the matter.

We returned home and it was not long before Ranma showed up again looking slightly flustered but no worse for wear, for which I was very grateful. Shampoo excused herself and hopped onto a bike she had left in our yard, so things began to slowly return to normal as the afternoon turned into evening. Everything seemed a bit too routine up to that point until we heard Ranma cry something out just as sunset was upon us.

"IT'S TOO HOT!!!!"

I was sitting in the den doing some figures in my ledger when I heard Ranma's feminine cry of pain and dismay, so naturally I was on my feet and headed towards the bathroom a bit ahead of all the others. In fact Kasumi was the only one who came close to matching my time as we found Ranma sitting naked on the floor looking as though her left arm and right leg had been badly scalded. I was about to ask her what was the matter when she looked at me and declared, "The water is boiling!"

"Oh?" Kasumi asked with surprise as she knelt down to the tub and tested the water with her fingers, "Did you leave it running too high? Oh my…it feels perfectly normal, barely even tepid."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Ranma flared, "I can barely touch it!"

"Calm down, Ranma," I assured, then went to confirm Kasumi's conclusion as I added, "You're right, Oneechan. There's nothing hot about this water…are you sure you tested it, Ranma-chan?"

"Yes! She declared flatly, holding up a reddened hand before adding, "I tried washing myself down before entering the furro but even the bucket water was scalding hot! You think I'd make something like this up, Nabiki? I'm telling you that water is boiling!"

Before I could ask what he meant I heard a tell tale chuckle and looked up to once again find the old woman perched atop the window sill. She smiled sardonically down at al of us then asked, "Having a little trouble with the hot water, Son-In-Law? What you're feeling is the Full-Body Cat tongue Pressure Point, which I touched on you during our little conversation along the Torii in the park."

"The Full-Body Cat Tongue Pressure Point?" I said, wondering if Elder Cologne was deliberately going for every reference to cats that she could possibly come up with.

"Yes," the Elder explained, "Now your whole body is as sensitive as a Cat's tongue, and we all know how sensitive that is! Even the slightest variation in heat above normal temperatures will feel like scalding hot water, and your reactions will be exactly as if the water is burning hot, too hot for you to touch…"

"But," Kasumi interjected, "If Ranma can't touch even moderately warm water…"

"Then that means Ranma can't change back into a guy!" I concluded for her in horror.

"Can't change back into a guy?" I heard Ranma whisper and saw the dawning horror on her expression as she thought that one over.

"Now maybe you'll show some respect to your Elders in the future," Cologne noted, "Only I can reverse the Cat Tongue, and I won't do that unless you convince me that you're worthy of my respect, Son-In-Law, like maybe if you agree to marry Shampoo or accept the group marriage."

"Why you-!" Ranma snarled and launched herself at the Elder, who naturally vanished before he could get to her, which left her hanging in mid-air right over the bathwater that she now regarded as being too hot to touch.

"Ranma!" I cried as I saw the baka fall into the water, scrambling to get her out again, and with Kasumi's help we did manage to get her out again before she could suffer too much psychosomatic damage.

"Let me know when you're ready to act like a man!" I heard Cologne call from outside before her laughter faded into the distance, leaving us with a struggling Ranma who felt hot to the touch and was muttering to herself about never being a guy again, which for her must have been her near-ultimate nightmare.

We managed to lay Ranma out on the Tatami mats in his room, which admittedly she has not made much use of lately since he seems to prefer to sleep outside my window. Kasumi put an ice pack over her head while I watched Ranma until her eyelashes fluttered and she regained consciousness again. Once she had Ranma sat upright and discovered-to her considerable chagrin-that she was wearing one of my old negligées, which I'd snatched up from my room on the fly without really thinking too much about it. The moment she looked down at herself I regretted my impulsive action…the negligee hardly concealed her feminine figure and I know pretty well how she feels when he looks down at her own body.

"Ranma," I said quickly to head off a certain blowup, "You know why she did this to you, don't you? She's trying to force your hand. You don't have to give into her. Don't let this affect you, put up with it for now until we can think of some way to get her to change you back."

"Put up with it?" Ranma turned to me in outrage, "Look at me! I'm a guy, dammit! How am I supposed to go through life looking like this?"

"It's not so bad being a girl, Ranma," Kasumi gently pointed out, "And you do seem to be enjoying it more often lately, especially when it comes to getting free food and favors."

"Yeah," I winced a little, wishing Kasumi had not put it like that, "But what matters is what you are inside, Ranma, not the outside packaging. Try and keep in mind who and what you are…"

"How can you say that?" Ranma turned towards me and I suddenly saw the pain in his expression, "You of all people! Don't you care at all that I…that I can't…that I…I may never…" she turned away and I could tell she was on the verge of crying.

"I care, Ranma," I whispered, wondering if I should say any more, not wanting to add to her turmoil or to confuse her by admitting to too much considering what conventional views he had in regards to sexual behavior for both genders, but I knew he had to hear something or he would break inside, "I care about you! You the person inside…that's what matters to me most. The rest…well…I like you as a guy quite a lot, and I'll be sorry if you never are that way again, but I refuse to believe that this is a permanent problem. Cologne said it was reversible which means she knows a way to undo it…"

"And all I gotta do is give in and do what she says," I heard the depression in her sigh, then Ranma added, "Nabiki…thank you. Thank for saying that, but you deserve better than being engaged to some pervert freak like me! I've got to get back to my real self or…or I'll go crazy!"

"Then perhaps you should both consider doing what she says in this matter," Kasumi surprised us both by suggesting. "The old woman seems convinced that you can work things out with her great granddaughter, and Shampoo is willing to have the both of you in a three-way marriage."

If anyone else but my gentle, compassionate, saintly older sister had said those words I think Ranma would have exploded in their face. As it was I was looking at her as if I'd never really seen her before, for her thoughts had mirrored mine on this matter, but she was the last person on Earth that I would have considered likely to come up with such a suggestion.

"You mean give into her?" Ranma flared, "No way! I can't…I mean…Kasumi, you've got to be kidding me! Marry both girls at the same time? That's…"

"I know," Kasumi replied, "But it is at least one possible solution to your problem. You do like Shampoo, don't you? And she is a very nice girl who deserves as much happiness as she can find in life, which isn't easy considering her situation. If group marriage is legal in their society, and Elder Cologne agrees that you can marry Nabiki under formal Japanese law, then a marriage with Shampoo won't really be bigamy. Legally here you would only have one wife and a mistress. I know Nabiki wouldn't mind such an arrangement, so perhaps you ought to consider this as one way to resolve your current problem."

I colored somewhat as Ranma looked at me and asked, "You wouldn't mind having Shampoo and me both?"

"Ranma," I said, "It's all right with me. I'd want to have you under any kind of circumstances, and I don't really mind Shampoo as much as maybe somebody else who'd be a lot harder to get along with. I won't put any kind of pressure on you, and it's your decision, but I'll support you all the way no matter what you decide. If regaining your manhood means accepting Shampoo as a co-wife, or a mistress, then…I guess it wouldn't be so bad. We could work something out, just as long as we at least get to share you."

Ranma had an unusually thoughtful expression as she mulled that over in her head, then she shook her head, "No, even if you are willing to sacrifice like that for me, I can't allow it. You deserve a real marriage to a real guy, Nabiki, and if I'm gonna be that guy I can't give into that old witch. Besides, if I do what she says now she'll know she can have her way with me any time in the future! I've gotta draw the line somewhere, and this might as well be it! I swear I'm gonna be a guy again if it kills me! If I have to beat it out of the old ghoul I will, but no way am I gonna give in and let her push me into marriage!"

I felt conflicting emotions of pride and dismay at his words. Did he really think that marrying Shampoo would be that big a sacrifice? I'd share him with Kodachi if it meant giving him back the manhood he so prized and that I wanted almost as badly! Of course I wasn't being completely honest with her in not admitting my real feelings concerning her female side. I could even live with her being like that for the rest of our lives and not complain about any "sacrifice" just as long as it was him inside. Still the fact that he believed I deserved something better made me want him more than ever-or her as the case might be…and kami above does it ever get confusing keeping up with these switching genders!

Anyway that all took place yesterday, but the events of the next morning were almost as surprising. I guess for economy's sake and the lateness of the hour I should encapsulate those events. Put simply Ranma called in sick and did not go to school, but he had an encounter with Shampoo just as I got out of school and caught up with them both. Shampoo had just clobbered Kuno, which confirmed in my mind that she no longer considered him even remotely attached to her, when she called us both aside to a local playground and explained to us that she knew of a solution to Ranma's problem.

"The Phoenix Pill?" Ranma repeated the words Shampoo had just spoken to us, referring to the legendary bird that is consumed by fire to be reborn into a new life.

"Yes," Shampoo smiled brightly, "It convey great resistance to heat to whoever consume it. You want be man again you just need pill to counter Full Body Cat Tongue."

"All right!" Ranma declared like a drowning man-uh, girl?-being handed a life preserver, "Where can I find it? Tell me already!"

"Great Grandmother have it," Shampoo replied as Ranma leaped to her feet and gave a whooping shout of delight as she ran off vowing to get the pill from the old woman or die in the effort.

I watched her go then turned back with suspicion and eyed Shampoo closely before saying, "Shampoo…what are you up to?"

"What do you mean?" she asked innocently, but I wasn't buying her cute act this time.

"I think you know pretty well what I mean," I replied, "Why are you coming forward with a solution now when you might have told us the night before?"

"I only learn about Great Grandmother deed this morning," Shampoo replied as she rose to her feet and cupped her hands together with a look of devotion, "I want Ranma boy-type back. You want her remain girl…pervert girl?"

"Huh?" I frowned, "Who are you calling a hentai?"

"Who you think?" Shampoo turned a coy look my way, "Think Shampoo not know you like girls as well as boys? You no protest when Shampoo propose co-marriage…you think that only mean we share Ranma boy-type together?"

"Ah…" I felt myself flushing crimson once again.

Shampoo turned and her smile deepened, "Beside this, Shampoo remember pretty well what pervert girl do with Shampoo while in cursed form. You pretty free with use of hands, you no know what that feel like to have body stroked that way? Maybe I give pervert girl taste of own medicine…maybe even you like that?"

I took a step away, knowing full well what the girl in front of me was capable of doing, "Ah…I don't think that will be necessary…and shouldn't we follow Ranma to see she doesn't get into trouble trying to take that pill from your Great Grandmother?"

"You right about that," Shampoo replied, "But you think change subject get you off hook you very mistaken."

I was extremely nervous and conscious of Shampoo's presence as she led the way to the Nekohanten restaurant that she and the Elder had just opened. As we approached, however, we heard the sounds of a commotion within, and one second later Ranma herself came projectiling out the door to land with a crash amid some bags of garbage. Even as my companion and I took this in we saw Ranma get unsteadily back to her feet before staggering back into the restaurant, only to have the process repeated with her being ejected much more forcefully into the wall behind the garbage.

"Aiyaa," Shampoo explained, "He cannot beat Great Grandmother. Ranma only get hurt if he keep trying."

This time Ranma left a visible dent in the wall as she once again collided with it, but to our complete amazement she staggered back to her feet once again and forced her way into the doors of the establishment. When she came sailing out a forth time I'd decided I'd had enough and stepped forward to put a stop to the matter.

"Ranma, give it up!" I said, "You can't beat her directly, she's way too good for you. You'll just get seriously hurt if you keep trying."

"I'm not gonna give up," Ranma growled as she forced herself into a crawling position, "I'm gonna get that pill no matter what it takes…"

"Baka!" I all but shouted in her ears, "Do you think I want to see you get beat up like this? You can't do this by the direct approach. You've got to think, plan, try to come up with another way of beating her. Stop playing the game by her rules…"

All of a sudden Ranma snatched a leaflet up that had been lying on the ground in her path and cried out, "This is it! This is the answer!"

I was too floored by the sudden change in his mood to more than register his rapid recovery from the pummeling she had been taking. Ranma rushed into the Nekohanten-or "Cat Café" (another coy reference to Cats again?) -and cried, "Hey, Old Woman! Is this offer of a job for real?"

"Job?" I repeated, wondering why I somehow knew that I was not going to like hearing about this one bit, and of course I hate being right so blasted often…

Yes, a job. Ranma is now a waitress working for Shampoo's great grandmother, a convenient position to give her plenty of opportunities to take the pill away from the Elder, who is just as conveniently wearing a necklace with the words "Phoenix Pill" written on the pendant in plain kanji. The set up was perfect, if maybe a little too obvious, but Ranma's determined to play this game through and try to corner Cologne into giving him the antidote to the Cat Tongue.

You've got to admire such persistence, or the kind of stupidity and stubborn pride that won't let Ranma admit when he's outclassed, no matter how skilled the opponent. Cologne has-by her claim-three hundred years more experience in the art than Ranma herself but still Ranma won't back down in the face of a challenge. She's convinced that the only way to get her manhood back is to get that pill, and she's so focused on that idea that she won't even recognize what kind of a fool she's making of herself by putting on that cute little dress and apron and dancing to Cologne's tune as the old woman juggles bowls of hot Ramen off Ranma's head and body.

At first I wondered what the old woman was up to, but then it became plain to me that she was baiting Ranma to move faster and with greater agility than he has ever had to do before. In effect she is training him to build up his speed and coordination and the baka doesn't even suspect that he's merely a puppet dancing to the tune of an expert piper.

All that happened today, and now I'm reflecting that events are taking a decidedly weird turn what with the way Cologne keeps playing with my poor Ranma, who came home too exhausted to do any roof climbing. For the first time in several weeks my iinazuke isn't perched outside my window watching the stars as he drifts to sleep at night, and I find myself missing his comforting and protecting presence immensely...

"Shampoo was right about you."

"What?" Nabiki suddenly stopped writing at her terminal, looking up in shock to find the Elder was perched on her desk peering at her from over the computer console.

"You are a very shrewd and perceptive customer," Cologne replied, "I think we may actually get along in the future, after everything quiets down and you and Son-In-Law have finally come to accept your place at the side of my great granddaughter.

Nabiki stifled the impulse to ask how the old woman had gotten into her room and instead put on her neutral act, "You're presuming a lot with that statement. Why exactly are you here, Elder?"

"Very good," Cologne said perceptively, "You marshal your feelings and hide them very well. More and more I see that Shampoo was correct in believing that you have the qualities of a Lore Master."

"Are we back to that again?" Nabiki frowned, "You didn't come here to tell me that. Mind telling me what you're really up to, and why are you tormenting poor Ranma?"

"The boy is growing stronger even if he may appear to do otherwise," Cologne replied, "And as for what I am doing here, I have a question of my own to ask. Earlier yesterday when Shampoo came close to gaining an admission of affection from Son-In-Law…that was your influence showing through her, was it not?"

"Eh?" Nabiki blinked, remembering the coy, vampish way Shampoo had teased Ranma, "Um…I guess maybe she did learn a little bit of that from me…"

"She watched you play with the boy for several days," Cologne remarked, "She said that you can make him dance to your tune with very little effort, and I can see that you do know how to use your charms to gain an advantage. She seems to admire you a great deal for that, and it shows in her behavior since she was never so coy with the boys of our village growing up. You have taught her to be subtle, for which I owe you great thanks as that is one lesson I have never been too successful in teaching…"

"You don't seem to suffer much from it yourself," Nabiki replied, "Look…I know you're only doing what you think is best for Shampoo, but you've got to know that playing with Ranma like that could turn him into a lifelong enemy. He's a very proud guy and he doesn't like being pushed into anything. If you really want him to accept Shampoo you're going to have to back off a little and let him think it's his decision."

"Perhaps you are correct," Cologne conceded, "We will see. If he can gain the Phoenix Pill then he will have the right to choose his destiny. I have waited a very long time to meet a student with as much potential as he displays. Perhaps at long last I have met the worthy heir I have been seeking to pass my knowledge down to as Shampoo has proven to be somewhat more limited than I was hoping in my own great granddaughter."

Nabiki frowned, "You're disappointed in her? Why? She seems like the perfect Amazon…"

"Not so perfect," Cologne sighed, "She reminds me a little too much of myself at her age, and I would spare her much of the heartache that I had to suffer. At any rate she is learning more by being around the pair of you than she ever did growing up in our village. Perhaps we shall prolong our stay in Japan for a while and treat it as a special form of training. With Son-In-Law to keep us both amused we may even achieve the breakthrough results that I have long wanted in my granddaughter's child. Time will tell, but at any rate your own development will be something to watch, albeit from the sidelines."

"You mean my Lore Master training?" Nabiki frowned, "I hope you don't expect me to jump through hoops like poor Ranma."

"That is not for me to say," Cologne turned away with a sad expression, "I will not be the one to supervise your training, as you have already been informed. In point of fact I am meeting my fellow Elder in a few hours and she will be the one who makes the final determination over your case. I merely wished to have the opportunity to share a few words with you in passing. For what it's worth I do admire you, you have a ready mind and an able set of quick responses to a crisis situation. It takes rare moxie to pull off what you almost did with my great granddaughter, nearly engaging her to the village idiot of your high school. That was a clever diagnosis of my technique, by the way…the Splitting Hairs maneuver could only be beaten by one who looks beyond their physical senses. You and Son-In-Law share a great deal in common. It is a very sincere pleasure to know the both of you, and we will talk more about this in the future."

The old woman's voice drifted off into the night as Nabiki sat where she was, then got to her feet and called out, "Oh yeah? Well…next time try choosing better hours!"

She sat back down, staring at the console screen before her, then slowly rested her head in on her palms and sighed, "Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?"

She silently and fervently hoped that no higher power was listening. The last thing she wanted was to know the answer of her softly voiced question…

Continued

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