Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Different Circumstances ❯ The Words ( Chapter 5 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

The Words

 

The kiss; the fight; the desire, it was too much. I didn't want to leave and I hoped that maybe I could control my tongue just a little longer. I wanted to stay with him, despite my words. I was giving into my emotions and my desires. Yet again I was being stupid.

 

Zaraki's hands slid to my breasts while he was kissing me. Teasing my nipples, he was arousing me again, while his searching tongue made me want to return his kiss. My body's reaction to his touch made the removal of my clothes imperative. I stopped kissing him and took my clothes off as fast as I could. I threw them to the ground and stood there waiting.

 

“Nice to see you finally took your clothes off. You took your time telling me you liked me,” he said removing his clothes almost as quickly as I removed mine. I watched him, wanting him to hold me close. I wanted to feel him naked against me.

 

“Do you like me, Zaraki?” Damn, why had I asked that? I was losing control again, so soon.

 

“Yes. I like you. I've liked you from the first time I entered you. I like the way you feel when I fuck you. I like the way you respond to me. I like the way you scream my name when you come. Hell, I liked you when you were fully clothed looking at me in the bath. Your eyes seemed so hot with desire when you stared at me. You wanted me even then.” His eyes travelled over my body as he spoke.

 

“That's not an answer,” I said feeling my face flush at his words. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to talk about how he felt about me, not about having sex with me.

 

“I like you,” he said as he embraced me, kissing me. His erection prodded me while he kissed me, but I ignored it, wanting to just feel his arms around me, his lips caressing mine. We moved near to the bed and lay down together.

 

“I want to take you slowly, this time,” he said, as his hands roaming over my body. “I want to spend hours fucking you, taking you close to the brink and then holding off, making you beg me to let you come, but I won't. I want you to feel the absence when I finally withdraw, so you feel incomplete without me deep inside of you.” He kissed me longingly.

 

Hearing his plan for the evening scared and thrilled me. I felt incomplete without him already. I moved my mouth down and licked his nipple.

 

He sighed. “That feels okay, but I prefer it when I do that to you.” He began to suck one of my nipples and a hand moved down to caress me. I moaned thrilling to his touch.

 

“I don't want to wait,” he said as he reached for the oil.

 

My curiosity about the oil allowed me to gain a modicum of control. Was the oil here because of a previous lover? I felt a stab of jealousy as I imagined him caressing whoever it was, tasting them, touching them. Damn these emotions. They had urged me to make so many mistakes tonight. “Zaraki, if you haven't had sex for so long, why do you keep oil in your bedroom?” I asked unable to resist the question. I was worried about the answer, but I wanted to know.

 

“I put it there the day we first had sex,” he said, a frown on his face. “I remembered the trouble I had when I first tried to enter you. I hurt you. I wanted to make sure it was easy for you when we had sex, so you'd come back. I want you to enjoy it. I've told you I like fucking you. Why?”

 

“Just curious,” I said, taking the oil from him and pouring some into the palm of my hand.

 

I handed him the bottle and began to rub the oil over his erection, enjoying the slick feel of the oil and the feel of his hard erection in my hands. He seemed to get pleasure from my touch. Zaraki poured some oil onto his fingers and began to apply it to me, stroking me languorously. I continued paying attention to his erection, trying to ignore the sensations that his fingers were arousing.

 

“I think we're both ready,” I said throatily, wanting to climb on top and take him deep inside me.

 

He pushed me onto my back and parted my legs and then positioned himself between them. I wrapped my legs around him, desire overwhelming me. As he entered me he groaned softly. “I enjoy the way you welcome me inside,” he said. He thrust into me a few times and then rolled over, so we were both lying on our sides, facing each other.

 

“I've wanted to do this before,” he said. He ran his hand over my back, down to my hip. “I like the texture of your skin. I like the way you feel against me.”

 

I groaned with pleasure as he touched me. The oil made me feel even wetter which made me feel even more aroused.

 

“In this position I can look at you and touch you while being inside you. I want to touch you, feel you breasts and suck them while I'm deep within you. You don't know the fantasies I had about you when you were gone. I want to fulfil each one. You'll like that, won't you?”

 

How many fantasies did Zaraki want to fulfil? I hoped they were as good as this one was promising to be. I brought my lips to his and we kissed.

 

“I had fantasies about you too,” I confessed.

 

He started to thrust gently into me, sheathing himself completely and pausing before he partially withdrew and thrust in again. “Did you fantasise about this?” he asked during one of the pauses.

 

“Not this particular position,” I said, my breathing becoming a little heavier than normal as my passion rose.

 

“What did you fantasise about?” he asked as he slowly withdrew and then pushed back inside. “I want to know.”

 

I bit my tongue. There was one fantasy, a recurring one, I would never tell him.

 

“Tell me, Matsumoto. I'm interested,” he urged, his hands returning to my breasts. As he touched my nipples, I gave into the impulse and began to admit some of the fantasies that were true, but not too revealing.

 

“I fantasised about sucking you,” I admitted.

 

“I fantasised about taking you against the wall as soon as I saw you,” he replied. He was increasing the pace of his thrusts as we spoke.

 

“I fantasised about the first time we had sex. I kept remembering how much you stretched me when you finally penetrated me. I remembered how good it felt when you made me come,” I said, the memory making me even more aroused.

 

Zaraki groaned. “Don't remind me. It just makes me want to pump into you harder,” he said, suiting action to words.

 

I felt his hips meet mine and I closed my eyes as I met each thrust, wanting him to continue. My body wanted the action, but I also wanted to remain joined with him as long as I could. “I thought you were going to stay in me for hours,” I teased.

 

Zaraki stopped moving and took a deep breath. “Mustn't break a promise,” he said slowly.

 

He moved his head down and his mouth encircled a nipple. I loved the feeling of his hard penis inside me and his hot mouth on my breast. His tongue was teasing my nipple as he sucked harder. I moaned; ripples of pleasure ran through me. I ran my hands down his back, just using my nails lightly. Lifting myself slightly I then pushed down on his erection. It made me feel hotter. I didn't know what he planned next, but I was looking forward to it, as long as I was moaning, not talking. I again pushed down on his penis. It felt good, I did it again. I awaited a reaction from Zaraki was still sucking my nipple, occasionally nipping at it, but not taking any further action.

 

“Keep doing that if you want,” he said removing his mouth from my breast. “I like the feeling. It shows you want me, for all your talk about being finished with me.” His words made me pause, but he took up the rhythm and started to thrust into me again. It was so good. I could feel myself getting close to coming. Zaraki stopped moving and kissed me. As we kissed I tried moving on him, but he placed a hand on my hip, stilling my movement.

 

“I told you, I want to take you to the brink and not let you pass. I want you to beg me to let you come,” he said, panting slightly.

 

“How did you known I was close?” I asked, frustrated. How could he tell?

 

“I think I can tell,” he said. “I think I know the signs when you're excited. We've had sex a few times and I can gauge your response. You want me.”

 

I considered his answer. I could tell when he was close. I didn't know he had been observing me in return. “Can I play the game, too” I said, trying to stop from begging already. “Can I make you beg, too?”

 

“You won't make me beg. I'll make you beg,” Zaraki assured me. He was grinning at me, full of confidence.

 

I slid a hand down and began to stroke his sac. At the first touch he thrust into me, hard. I stroked him a few times and then cupped the sac in my hand.

 

“Unfair tactic,” he groaned. Partially withdrawing, his hand moved between my legs, his thumb grazing my clit. My body twitched violently at the contact. I would be begging him any second. I bit down on my lip, hard. Maybe pain would distract me from the delicious feeling his fingers were bringing me. Having made his point, he stopped and removed his hand, pushing himself fully into me again. I wished he hadn't stopped touching me.

 

I began stroking his sac again, determined to make him beg. In retaliation he began licking my neck.

 

“Damn you, Zaraki,” I tried to say as I felt my passion rise even further. He'd remembered how sensitive it was. The licking made me wriggle around him. His breath caught in his throat and then he licked my neck again. Again I wriggled involuntarily.

 

Zaraki moved his head down and began sucking the nipple of the other breast. I was so aroused by now that this caused me to wriggle again. I wanted to beg him, but it had become a struggle between us as to who would give in first. I wanted him to beg me.

 

My wriggling was obviously arousing Zaraki. He moved his mouth up to kiss me, but I couldn't stop squirming. I couldn't control myself. Each movement was bringing me closer, but it was a slower process than I wanted. He sucked my tongue and kissed me passionately, and then dragged his mouth from mine.

 

“I'm begging you.” His voice was urgent and his eyes glittered with lust.

 

I opened my mouth to beg him in return. “I love you.”

 

I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice over me when I heard my mouth utter those words. I'd fought against saying them and now they'd escaped me. I clasped my hands over my mouth, but it was too late. Slipping from his embrace, reluctantly, feeling his penis leave my body, I moved as far away from Zaraki as I could. He would demand I left, I was sure.

 

Zaraki lay there for a moment after my declaration. He then moved to sit on the edge of the bed with his back to me. It was obvious he didn't want to look at me.

 

It was too late now. I'd said the stupid sodding words. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't apologise. I'd made the biggest mistake of all. Zaraki was silent. After laying there for a few minutes, cursing myself for the fool I was, I rose from the bed. I went into the bathroom and washed my face and then went back into the bedroom and retrieved my uniform and dressed. I avoided looking at Zaraki who was still sitting on the edge of the bed. After I finished dressing, I moved toward the door.

 

“You can't leave. I have the key,” Zaraki's voice reminded me harshly.

 

“May I have the key? I think I should leave,” I replied as calmly as I could, not daring to look at him.

 

“No, you can't have the key. We have to talk,” he said, his face immobile.

 

“Talking is something we don't do, Zaraki, unless it's about sex. Let me leave, because I sure as I hell won't listen to you. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I didn't mean what I said. I don't love you. How could I love someone like you? I hardly know you. I'm not even sure I like you. I only said that I like you because you bullied me and I wanted sex,” I said quickly. “I told you it was over. I think this proves it. Let me leave, now.” Maybe I could convince him with my lies, but they sounded false even to my ears.

 

“I want to talk to you.” The heaviness of his voice convinced me that he would tell me it was over.

 

His words made the familiar pain return. I couldn't let him speak; I wouldn't let him say the words. I wanted to end it this time. I wanted to be the one in control, the one who walked away. I'd hated being the one who had been left behind, “I have nothing to say to you. You know it's over. It was brief and the sex was good. Neither of us expected it would last long.”

 

“I thought it might last at least tonight.”

 

I thought I heard a touch of longing in his voice, but I knew that it was my imagination. It might have been regret at the interrupted sex. That was all it could be. My words had destroyed our agreement.

 

“Well it didn't. I see no point in staying here any longer. I was only here for the sex. You want to talk. I don't.” It was hard to keep the emotion out of my voice. I glanced at him quickly to see if he believed me.

 

“We could finish the sex.” The words were hopeful; the expression on the face was not.

 

“I don't want that, now. I want to leave,” I lied. The lie hurt me as I uttered it. I wanted to finish the sex. I wanted to be held in the shelter of his arms and talk to him, but that was a foolish dream.

 

Zaraki looked at me for a few minutes, his eyes searching, trying to see what I was feeling. I kept my face as expressionless as possible. He sighed and left the room, returning with a key. “Here,” he dropped the key in my outstretched hand. I was pleased his skin did not come into contact with mine. That would have stretched my control to its limit.

 

“I won't bother you again,” I said bitterly. “Our paths rarely cross anyway. You can tell everyone that you tired of me, or whatever. I don't care what you say. It's not important. This was not important and it's over. Bye, Captain Zaraki. It's been fun.”

 

I left the room quickly and unlocked the door. As soon as I left the building, I started to run. I wanted to get home, to wash his scent from my body, to scrub away his touch, remove any reminders. If I was reminded, I would weaken.

 

Arriving home, I washed as thoroughly as I could, scraping my skin raw, washing and rinsing my hair, trying to remove all evidence of his scent from my skin. Finally I thought I had washed enough. I put on a clean uniform. Moving toward my bed I lay down and looked at the ceiling. I emptied my mind of all thought, concentrating only on my breathing. It was a coping technique I had used when Gin became estranged from me. Sobbing into my pillow night after night didn't help. Not thinking helped, sort of. I would allow myself to wallow in the pain for 10 minutes at a time, and then distract myself from those thoughts.

 

The meditation wasn't helping, as the pain was too new. This called for other measures. I got the sake and a cup. I preferred the sake warm, but I couldn't be bothered to spend the time for that preparation. Drinking alone wasn't much fun, but I didn't want to be around other people at the moment. My friends would ask questions I didn't want to answer and I wasn't drinking for fun. I was drinking to cover the pain. I drank my first cup, but the pain remained. The second and third didn't help. I drank until the bottle was empty; at least I think I did. I don't remember.

 

I woke with the sun shining full on my face. I had a hangover. Nausea, headache, dehydration, a rotten taste in my mouth, inability to focus properly, disorientation. Actually, nausea was a mild term to explain the feeling. I ran to the bathroom.

 

Shaking and sweating, I finally managed to leave the bathroom and lay on the bed. I wasn't going to meet with my captain today. The way I felt; it didn't seem possible that I would be able to leave the room. It had been a long time since I'd experienced a hangover this bad. I tried to remember why I had drunk so much and then I remembered; Zaraki, I had told him I loved him. The memory triggered the nausea again. I returned hurriedly to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Once I'd finished, I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth.

 

When I emerged from the bathroom it was to find my captain in my room, looking at a book that was open on the table. I hadn't heard him knock, or enter. He looked up as I entered the room. I could see he was not in the best of moods.

 

“It's late. You were supposed to be helping me today. I went to Captain Zaraki's place, but you weren't there. The captain was surly and uncommunicative, even for him. He almost threw me out when I asked about you. For a second I thought he was going to fight me. I decided you would be here,” he commented, his eyes taking in every detail of my appearance. “Did you pick up a virus or something?” Toshiro asked, looking around. He noted the empty sake bottle. “Oh,” he said.

 

“Yes. Oh. I feel awful. I want to spend the day in bed,” I said uncomfortably.

 

“Finished with Zaraki so soon? It's probably for the best,” he said soothingly. “I think I'll stay away from 11th Division for the rest of the month or maybe the rest of the year. It'll be too dangerous. I'll let you have today off, but you better be into work early tomorrow. There's a lot to sort out.” He folded his arms and looked at me. He was wondering if he could ask any questions. I decided that I would irritate him to prevent him from trying.

 

“Don't mention Zaraki to me again, please. I made a mistake. I don't want to be reminded.” My answer was as curt as I could make it. Toshiro hated it when I was rude to him.

 

“I would remind you that I am your captain. Don't address me in that manner,” Toshiro responded as I expected. His eyes had become a little harder.

 

“Just leave me alone,” I said. “I don't want to talk to anyone about anything.” That might be enough to convince him to go. Either that or he would decide to fight me, but it was more likely he would wait until I was in a more convivial frame of mind.

 

Toshiro glared at me. “I'll overlook that comment. You're always in a bad mood when you have a hangover. I want you in my office at 8.00 am tomorrow. No excuses. I'll overlook your behaviour this once, because of the events in the human world. I'm warning you again; don't let your sex life affect your work.”

 

He left without waiting for an answer. I shut and locked the door behind him. I didn't want any other visitors.

 

I returned to the bed. My head throbbed. My stomach lurched, even though I knew it was empty. I felt awful and I could feel unwanted tears forming in my eyes. I blinked hard, but blinking did not make the tears go away. Instead they trickled down my cheeks, only to be replaced by new tears.

 

As I sobbed I realised that there was nothing I could do. I had told Zaraki how I really felt. I wasn't sure if he believed either my declaration of love, or the lies I told afterward. Either my declaration had estranged him, or my words of rejection. I didn't know. Why was I so hopeless at relationships? The resolutions I'd made that I wouldn't fall in love, were broken again. He'd made me break them so easily.

 

“At least,” I reasoned, “it was short term. I spent more time apart from him than I did with him. It shouldn't take too long to get over this.”

 

The logic did not stop the tears. I continued to cry.

 

The rest of the day did not improve. Trying to distract myself did not help. I tried to read, but all the books I had seemed to mock my situation. I slept for a few hours and awoke crying as I mourned my loss. All I could do was curse my mouth, curse my mind, and most of all, curse my treacherous emotions.

 

I wanted to forget, but I refused to reach for the sake bottle again. The hangover was too big a price to pay for forgetfulness. One thing I had trouble understanding was why this hurt as much as the time I was recovering from Gin. I hardly knew Zaraki. We'd had sex, but there was little else between us. I could remember his scent, the feel of his body against mine. I remembered his face in the throes of orgasm. I remembered his touch, his voice. Every time I remembered him, I tried to think of something else. I didn't want to think of him. I wanted peace. I wanted control over my emotions again.

 

At dusk, there was a knock at the door. I ignored it. Whoever it was, knocked again. I put the pillow over my head to block out the sound. The knocking changed to a regular thumping.

 

“Leave me alone,” I yelled at the door.

 

“I want to talk to you,” said Zaraki. “I'm not leaving until I talk to you. Let me in, or I'll break the bloody door.”

 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooo

 

If you like the story, review it. It's only fair. Reviews encourage me to update.