Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Different Circumstances ❯ The Expectation ( Chapter 20 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

The Expectation

 

The day passed, slowly. Extremely slowly. Even a tortoise, that was missing limbs, would have moved faster. Foolishly, I felt anticipation, but what I was waiting for, the return of my husband, didn't happen. I hadn't really expected him to return so soon, but it was hard to stifle the hope.

 

I was so bored I even did some paperwork and filing without being asked; well my Captain didn't have to make the request more than once. But these activities didn't help. The chasm in my life caused by my husband going to Las Noches could not be filled by simple tasks. Every so often my mind would provide me with visions of Zaraki and I would pause, immobile.

 

“Give me something difficult to do, Captain Hitsugaya,” I asked, pleadingly after dragging my mind back to the present. “Something less excruciatingly dull. Do you have any…..”

 

“This is the fifth time you've asked me for something interesting and I warned you last time to stop. You need a different form of physical exercise to the one you've been experiencing with your husband. Go for a long walk, you haven't walked much in the last few days, or practice your fighting; there should be someone about who you can pester aside from me.”

 

I could not hide my reaction to his words. I hadn't realised he was serious when he'd cautioned me the last time.

 

His expression changed and his voice softened slightly. “I'm sorry Matsumoto, but you've been sighing and when you weren't sighing you were asking me for something interesting and when you weren't doing either of those you've been singing under your breath. Normally I wouldn't mind, but you've been singing Nothing Compares to You repeatedly. I think I prefer it when your eyes become unfocused and you wear that stunned expression. I assume you're thinking about your husband?”

 

I nodded, embarrassed at the description and accurate assessment. I hadn't realised I had been singing under my breath. Maybe he was right. But the song was apt. While I was thinking I became aware that I was singing the song again, without meaning to, and this time my captain sighed. “I liked that song once, but now I don't want to hear it again.”

 

“Why don't you tell me what happened while I was gone? What's happened to Renji and Rukia?” If we chatted, maybe I could become interested in what was happening in the Seireitei and maybe forget about Zaraki for a time.

 

“Renji and Rukia? Of course, you wouldn't know. They snuck off, with assistance, as an unofficial advance party to Las Noches. Captain Yamamoto seemed aware that they were going and didn't expend any effort on trying to stop them,” Toshiro leant back slightly in his chair his hands on the desk. That pleased me as it indicated willingness to talk.

 

I sat in the chair opposite, leaning forward, eager to catch up on the news. “That's so like them. What's happening about their marriage?” It was rare my Captain would talk like this.

 

“For some reason Rukia wants a long engagement; a very long engagement. I heard she has concerns about making the `right' decision even though she agreed to marry Renji. The story goes that Renji wanted a speedy wedding, almost as fast as your own, but Rukia asked her brother to insist on a minimum of two year's engagement, possibly more, so that the wedding could be properly organised,” the words surprised me and I could see that Toshiro was a little perplexed as well.

 

“That's strange. I thought she would be overjoyed and want to marry him as soon as possible, but I was always closer to Renji than Rukia. When we in the human world she seemed to vanish regularly when she wasn't at school or fighting Hollows. Renji often asked me where she was and I didn't know. You don't think that Rukia and Ichigo…No, that doesn't seem right either. They were always arguing and she didn't seem overly concerned when he disappeared or was injured. When Renji wasn't asking me about Rukia's whereabouts, Ichigo was. When she comes back I'll try to find out what's happening.” I paused as I thought about the party that had left that morning. “I suppose Captain Kuchiki is one of the team because Rukia and Renji are already in Las Noches.” I wondered at Rukia's decision, but knew I would not have a chance to talk to her or Renji for some time. When we were in the human world I judged she was very happy and had thought it was because she was spending so much time with Renji, but could it be possible I had been wrong?

 

“That's one of the reasons. There are others, but I can't discuss them at present,” my captain said, pressing his lips together.

 

“But why was Captain Kurotsuchi included? I don't trust that man. He's a slimy and unscrupulous cockroach. I hate the way his eyes slither over me; it makes me feel dirty and I know Zaraki hates the man,” I knew I should not speak so disrespectfully of the Captain but I thought Toshiro would understand.

 

“Hmmm. He declared it would be easier to study the Arrancar if he was a member of the mission. It was a difficult meeting when the membership of the party was being discussed. Your husband insisted on going and no one was stupid enough to refuse him. We can see he feels dishonoured by your abduction and wishes for revenge. Captain Kurotsuchi demanded that he too be included for the sake of research and yelped on about it until Yamamoto gave in just to shut the man up.”

 

I was puzzled. When had this meeting taken place? My expression must have conveyed my confusion and Toshiro explained.

 

“Captain Zaraki insisted on the meeting after I came to find out how you were and then I fought him because he was nearly crazy with rage and grief. That was an interesting fight, but at least it calmed him down enough to stop him trying to kill everyone he saw. 4th Division was having trouble keeping up with the casualties. Once his anger was slightly cooled he began to plan and you know how single minded he can be. It was a fast meeting and the Captain-General seemed bemused by the speed and the events. He didn't even get a chance to chair it and I don't think he was very happy.” Toshiro lips quirked into an unwilling smile. “I wish the information sessions were always like that. They tend to drag on.”

 

Now I understood the reaction of the Captain-General when he came to 4th Division. He'd felt that Zaraki had challenged his authority, which he had. Damn, I was thinking of him again, experiencing the pang of disappointment when I remembered how long it would be before I saw him again. With any luck he would kill Aizen and come back soon, but I didn't think it would be that easy. I began to imagine his return and what we would do and resented the interruption when my Captain handed me a handkerchief.

 

“You might wish to wipe that drool from your chin, Matsumoto,” his voice teased.

 

Instinctively I wiped my chin and examined the cloth. It wasn't damp. “I wasn't drooling. I was only thinking…” but my protests died on my lips when I looked at my Captain.

 

Toshiro was smiling at how he had fooled me so easily. “I can't believe you fell for that.”

 

This seemed strange. Toshiro normally did not play tricks on me, disdaining the practice. He was normally so serious and while I was pleased to see this lighter side of him, this and the revelation about his romantic problem made me wonder what other events had occurred in his life since we had returned from the human world. My life had changed irrevocably; in the most part for the good, but it struck me that Toshiro's had undergone events which had changed him. But who had influenced him to obtain a sense of humour? He always seemed so serious. I didn't think it was his unreasonable romantic interest.

 

“Toshiro, that is not fair,” I moved close to him and embraced him, knowing all the time how much he hated it, teasing him in return. For a moment he resisted and then returned my hug. I quickly dropped my arms and backed away. My Captain hugging me? He'd only did that rarely but I saw the expression on his face and quickly hugged him again. He was hurting and needed my comfort. I stood like that hugging my captain and my friend while his arms seemed to try to adjust to me as if he were accustomed to embracing a different shape.

 

“I'm sorry Matsumoto,” he said grudgingly when he finally dropped his arms. “I've missed you and I was uncertain that you would be returned alive. Your husband was unwavering in his conviction that he would save you, but knowing Aizen, I was unsure.”

 

He was very grave and in his own way he was telling me he was pleased I was alive.

 

“Can you tell me about the rape now? I've only heard bits and pieces and the rumour mill will distort the facts,” was the next question.

 

I wished he had forgotten but should have remembered that he rarely forgot anything. Trying to retain my composure, I related the story with as few words as possible. I did not know why my captain viewed this sordid event so seriously and wished I did not have to keep reliving the experience, but all the same it hurt less to tell him than when I told Retsu, Renji or Zaraki.

 

After I finished my captain was silent for a long time and I poured some water which I drank slowly. The retelling had made my throat dry and slightly raw but I had not cried. I felt a small glow of pride that this time I had not given into my normal emotional reaction to that subject. It was time to let it become the past instead of living with it against my skin, in my mind, marring my existence.

 

At length Toshiro spoke. “Captain Unohana protected your privacy. By rights she should have told me.”

 

I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up his hand to silence me.

 

“It is easy to see why she chose to keep your secret, but it is a secret no longer.”

 

Looking down at my lap I saw that my hands were wrapped around each other. I wished again that I'd the strength to resist or at least kill the evil bastard later. Rape has long reaching effects on both parties, and the one who is raped can appear self confident and strong, but be a mess within. I was still a mess.

 

Regular loving sex with Zaraki was beginning to change me, but it would take more time. I felt more confident of my ability to love since being with him. While the start of our relationship had been purely a sexual encounter I did not regret interrupting his bath. I only wished I'd thought of it earlier, years earlier. I wondered how long it would be until he returned. Recognising I was drifting off into a day dream of his homecoming, I dragged my thoughts away from Zaraki and his arrival.

 

The thoughts had made me deaf to the comments made by Toshiro and I jumped guiltily as he addressed me. “Matsumoto, there is one further problem you may have considered about this rumour spreading, as it will. And of course the abduction and your rescue.”

 

I looked directly into his cool but concerned eyes. “Momo.”

 

“Yes. I fear the effect on her emotions and mental stability if she does hear of this. You saw how she was today when we visited.”

 

I only nodded in response. After visiting Momo earlier I began to fear her reaction because there would be little point in hoping the story would not eventually reach her ears once she left 4th Division. No one had yet told her of my abduction by Gin, but again some person would tell her the news when she was no longer sheltered. It was inevitable.

 

“Maybe I should tell her…. No. That would be a bad idea. I wish Zaraki hadn't insisted on telling Yamamoto about it. Who told you, anyway?” If I found out who it was it might be possible for me to appeal to their desire to see the next sunrise, and they'd keep it quiet, but the problem with these matters was once one person knew, the story would spread. Renji had kept his counsel and refrained from telling anyone, at least I hoped so.

 

“Two sources. Captain Unohana and your husband. Your husband told me Aizen had raped you after we fought and the predicament in which he found you in Hueco Mundo. Captain Unohana filled in the details when I went to visit Momo,” he said heavily. “I told her I knew.”

 

“You said you'd heard rumours!” I exclaimed. If Retsu and Zaraki had told him he should have guessed that they were telling the truth.

 

“Unless you confirmed it, to me it was only a rumour.” His eyes regarded me with a flicker of sadness. “Your husband swore to me that he would kill Aizen no matter the cost.”

 

My heart almost stopped beating. He would put his life at risk for vengeance? When we had been together he had promised me he'd return, that he wasn't going to die, but I knew what Zaraki was like. He may have told me that to make me agree to stay behind. “No matter the cost? Any cost is too high. He has to come back to me, Toshiro; I don't think I can bear life without him.” Along with the pain I felt rage begin to build in my chest. “The man does not have the right to make that decision. I do not agree. He would know I won't agree. Damned protective, self righteous, egotistical bastard. Captain, I have to go and make him see sense. Now.”

 

Shaking his head, either in denial or disbelief at my request, Toshiro looked at me, consternation clear in his face. “You are confined to the Seireitei by order of the Captain General, don't you remember? I do not have authority to give you permission even if I wanted to. Anyway, the passageway is heavily guarded by 2nd Division.”

 

My anger was still increasing and I vented it on my friend. “I'm going to follow that blasted man and make him see sense; you can't damn well stop me. Zaraki will die and I'll never forgive him or you or anyone. I've only been married to the man for a few days and I was forced apart from him for a third of them. Why did he have to be so eager to go? I'll, I'll…..” I tried to think of a suitable threat and couldn't. What could I do? Withhold sex? He wasn't here and I wouldn't last more than a few minutes if he kissed me or was even in the same room. Hit him? He'd only laugh and then make love to me. Yell at him? Probably the same result. Divorce him? I couldn't even think about it. I'd find him and fight him and yell at him until he saw sense, but it would mean I had to break my promise and follow him. I never meant to keep the promise anyway. My chest heaved as my anger intensified.

 

In the face of my rage Toshiro acted in a manner I did not expect. He laughed. I gazed at him in disbelief. How dare he laugh at me? I was serious.

 

“He made that vow because of you, in order to protect you. You think Zaraki will die? You've got to be out of your mind Matsumoto. He'll come back. I think if he was nearly dead he'd come back. Stop being a tragedy queen and think sensibly. Anyway we were talking about Momo.” He tried assuming his cool demeanour but I could see he was still amused.

 

I tried to control my anger and keep my focus but I could feel my blood pounding in my ears. “Momo, always Momo. She's never been very independent. I've noticed she seems to regularly need support,” I spoke without thinking, my anger spurring me on to voice my thoughts to the person who would least receptive. Realising what I'd said, I bit my tongue waiting for the reprimand.

 

“I thought you were her friend,” was the disbelieving response from my Captain.

 

“I am, but I can still see her flaws. Her focus has always been very small and she has always wanted support from you, Renji, Kira and from Aizen. I always joked to myself that she had her own little fan club of attractive men. She lost Renji's attention when he realised how he felt about Rukia, but you, Kira and Aizen were always so attentive. You in particular have been very careful with Momo,” if I had already offended him, I may as well be completely truthful.

 

“But you have your own circle of support,” he said frowning.

 

I nodded, but justified my comment. “You know we're only friends and I don't rely on them to help me make decisions, otherwise I would have asked their advice about Zaraki. If I had I would probably still be mooning about, grieving for Gin and drinking too much. I wonder if I would have been tempted when he came for me in Soul Society if I wasn't with Zaraki.” I shuddered at the thought. Being in Hueco Mundo with a predatory Aizen and a `lover' who did not love me was a nasty concept. Living without Zaraki was an idea I could not entertain.

 

In the quiet that followed my comments I could see that Toshiro was thinking intently. My ire was still simmering. “I've been overprotective,” he mused. “I've known Momo for many years and ignored many things about her. She's not really feeble minded, but she does ignore things, important things. I can see why S….someone said cruel words about her.”

 

I did not miss the hesitation. `Someone' had spoken to him about Momo and obviously the person had not been very complimentary. Someone whose name started with an `S'. That narrowed the field, but I didn't know if the mysterious `S' was his unreasonable love. I wondered briefly if she was a seated officer and if the initial related to her first or second name. Then again I might be wrong and it was an unknown friend to which he referred.

 

“Poor Momo will hear eventually about both matters. It will not be pleasant for her to hear these truths,” he said slowly.

 

“It wasn't very pleasant for me,” I said, my anger being renewed by his casual disregard for my experiences. Poor Momo?

 

Captain Hitsugaya coughed suddenly. “I think we need some tea.”

 

“Don't try and change the subject Captain. I'll make the tea if you try to be a little more detached.”

 

His face grew rigid. “You could follow your own advice, Lieutenant. I made the comment without considering your reaction, it is true, but you are more resilient than Momo and you're recovering, aren't you?” he observed reminding me once more of how protective he was of the girl.

 

“Aside from the recurring memory loss, the absence of my husband, the memory of being trapped between Gin and Aizen as they prepared to rape me, my near death and being accused of being a traitor, I'm just dandy,” I said, giving into my need to remind him that Momo was not the only person who had suffered.

 

My moves were erratic as I tried to pour the hot water into the teapot, blinking against the tears in my eyes, angry at Toshiro, still furious at my husband for being prepared to risk everything and ashamed at my outburst of self pity. I didn't want to be like this.

 

The kettle was taken from my hands. “Sit down Matsumoto. You'll pour boiling water over your skin if you are not careful.'

 

Relinquishing the kettle to Toshiro I sat down and breathed steadily trying to calm my emotions. Brooding over my problems did not make them any better.

 

“I apologise,” my captain said setting the tea in front of me once it had brewed to his satisfaction. “Momo always seems to want pity and you reject it. I meant what I said about you having more resilience. Momo falls apart when faced with difficult situations. I don't believe she would be either sane or alive if she had experienced what you have, but I have always tried to protect her, emotionally and physically.”

 

I picked up the cup and drank as quickly as the hot liquid would permit not wishing to respond. My captain was still standing beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. He sighed. “Matsumoto. I'll give you the rest of the afternoon off if you want but we have to work this out now.”

 

“No we don't. Momo will just have to live with it, whenever she finds out. Maybe it will make her realise that Aizen is an evil man, not the saviour of the Seireitei,” the bitterness I was feeling leaked into my voice. I had returned to work after nearly dying and Momo was still holed up in 4th Division weeks after her near death. I ignored the fact I had left 4th Division, against the judgement of Retsu, to be with my husband. What did facts matter when I was in this frame of mind? They would make being sorry for myself more difficult.

 

“It might break your friendship,” Toshiro said, voicing the other fact I was managing to block.

 

I knew all this, I had known it earlier and I didn't want to think about any of it. His reminder brought all my barely repressed feelings to the fore and I cracked. “Shut up, Captain. Shut up, Toshiro. Shut up, shut up, shut up,” I screamed and burst into furious tears, rocking back and forth hugging my arms to my stomach. I wanted Zaraki; I didn't want to remember that I might forget him, that my unwanted experiences might hurt people I cared about. I was a prisoner, trapped by love, friendship and duty. It seemed so unfair that I had to feel like this. All my brave thoughts and the resolution not to cry made me feel worse because I could not ignore my emotions.

 

Over the sounds of my sobbing I heard the door open and footsteps enter the room.

 

“Ran, dear Ran, what's the matter?” A pair of familiar arms hugged me, holding me tight which interfered with my rocking.

 

“Everything's wrong and Toshiro is an idiot,” I told Shunsui, gratingly. I immediately recognised his cologne and voice and relaxed into his known hug. “Zaraki is an idiot too. And a bastard. All men are idiots and bastards.”

 

He continued holding me, patting me gently on the back until my harsh sobbing eased as it always did when he comforted me. “All women are sluts and fools,” he rejoined once I was calmer, laughter in his voice.

 

That comment made me snap out of the well of self pity in which I was foundering. He always knew how to lighten the mood. I laughed and wiping my eyes remarked, “I thought we'd agreed on babes and bimbos.”

 

My poor captain looked confused and Shunsui explained. “Ran has a habit of calling the whole male race idiots and bastards or some other combination when she's upset or has been drinking, or both. It began after Ichimaru severed their relationship and she was hurting pretty badly. Her generalisations put a bit of a cramp in our evenings until we decided to generalise about women in the same way. She liked bitches, or babes and bimbos because it's alliterative. We'd keep generalising until we ended up forgetting which generalisations were used, it could get pretty funny. Didn't you say something about all men wanting to be ….”

 

I interrupted not wishing to be reminded of that particular sweeping statement. “Why are you here?” I had not expected to see Shunsui here, but I was so pleased to see him.

 

“He's come to see me,” Toshiro said. His face was flushed and I think my display of emotion had shocked him. I had never yelled at him before or displayed such hysteria. Immediately I felt penitent.

 

I stood and bowed low to him. “Will you please accept my humble apologies? What I said was incorrect and I did not mean the slur on your intelligence. I will accept my reprimand and punishment.”

 

“We won't mention it again.” My captain was very dignified in his response and then gave me a tentative smile.

 

“Actually, Ran, while you're here maybe you can help. We're trying to devise a way to get Yamamoto interested in Nanao,” Shunsui said quickly cutting in before I could inform my captain of my appreciation.

 

I lifted an eyebrow. The time had come and I had been expecting this. Nanao could be annoying, she didn't mean to be and she did mean well. It was evident that she saw her captain's welfare as important. However her method of dealing with Shunsui was one he found abrasive. While he appreciated her good qualities, she did tend to try to direct all aspects of his life. Her overbearing nature had become worse since the traitors had left.

 

“Yamamoto? That won't be easy. Have you thought of someone who might be easier, like his lieutenant?” What were they thinking?

 

“It has to be a captain, at least. Toshiro has told me he's not interested, you married Kenpachi, Jushiro doesn't like her and we know his interest lies elsewhere, Byakuya is just impossible, Mayuri is too peculiar and I don't think Nanao would be interested in Sajin,” Shunsui grinned as he outlined his reasoning.

 

“What about Captain Fong,” I said without thinking.

 

“No,” said Toshiro quickly.

 

“Nanao doesn't swing that way,” Shunsui said quickly. “I know. She was in my bed the night you got married, when I finally came home. Fortunately she was asleep, so I snuck off elsewhere.”

 

I shook my head, understanding Shunsui's urgency. But when had he become friends with my Captain? Was he the mysterious `S' who had said uncomplimentary things about Momo?

 

 

A.N.

 

This story takes place around the same time and in the same AU as For the Love of a Friend. Events in that story impact on the events that take place in this one and vice versa. To understand it all you have to read both.

 

I have decided not to wait until For the Love of a Friend catches up. I don't want to rush writing that story or delay this one.

 

Rukia and Ichigo? Hell, no! Too predictable.

 

One reviewer asked for a soundtrack for this chapter, or at least some of the things I listened to as I wrote the thing.

 

Soundtrack to this chapter:

`Nothing Compares to You' Sinead O'Connor (of course)

`One More Time' Daft Punk

`Heart and Soul' Joy Division

`Don't Think' Weirdo

 

Oh, yeah. Review. I like reviews. No reviews and I become despondent. Thanks to those people who reviewed. I like hearing about people's obsession with this story. You have something in common with me.