Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Different Circumstances ❯ The Date ( Chapter 40 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein.   The characters in this story are not mine, except for Arai and a few other random OC's invented to move the plot along.
Gin laughed.  
I'd guessed he would, but hated him for doing so.  Other people's pain never seemed to trouble him.  Even though Zaraki might lose his temper with me, he never completely dismissed my words or advice.  Not completely.  He'd make jokes about it or argue with me, or distract me.  If I was talking about sex he was ready to listen until he decided to participate rather than talk about it.  Thinking about some of his actions made me press my thighs together.  I wanted to be out of this room and back in his arms.
"Of course this is a date, Ran.  During our time together I'll convince you to leave the Thug and return to me."  Confidently, he stretched out his legs and relaxed into the embrace of the chair.
After my passing thoughts of making love with Zaraki his suggestion seemed ridiculous.   I pushed the erotic images and lingering sensations to the back of my mind, deciding that permitting any indication of arousal may be noted and misinterpreted. "What's so appealing about a man covered with vomit and blood?"  He jerked back, stunned at my words and before he could say anything I continued.  "Or a man who nearly kills you?  Or a former lover who tries to rape you?  Or a man prepared to let his friend rape a woman he supposedly loves and cares for?  Do you imagine I'd come back to the sadistic person who's taken me twice from the man I love?  Do you really think I will return to you?"
The tears I'd shed earlier were a nuisance.  If I'd cried once in a day, I was more easily moved to tears for the rest of the day and the previous emotional storm was contributing to my feeling of fear and unease.  
The recent awakening and loss of memory was one of the worst I could remember.  The other occasions Zaraki had been there, holding me, making love to me, and then getting annoyed.  His anger was only an indication of his concern and irritation that I'd forgotten him. I hated forgetting him.  The joy I'd felt each time when I finally remembered he loved me wasn't worth the pain, but did serve to remind me of how my life had become so small and predicable before I'd interrupted his bath.
These thoughts only persisted in pointing out the fears I was trying to suppress.  The injections were only temporary cures and each time I forgot, I kept regressing and becoming younger.  What would happen if I regressed too far?  Was it possible I'd return to an infant state, unable to speak or reason?  Would I forget even more and return to a time before I had arrived in Soul Society, in the twilight world between death in the human world and my incarnation here.  If that happened, would I die?  I wanted to stop forgetting.  I wanted to be with Zaraki.  I wanted everything to return to normal.  I was unsure what was top of my list of wishes.  
So many hopes or wishes.  And end to abductions; being scared; regressing and forgetting;  watching relationships implode; those injections which caused pain: being alone in a room with Gin; being separated from Zaraki... I gave up.  There were too many to bother listing after the main ones.
Top of the list was to be with Zaraki, forever.  That was certain, but the others were up there too.
"Ran, you're tired and upset.  I know that you can be unreasonable at times, but I'm prepared to overlook it, for now."
Gin's voice broke through my thoughts and startled, I stared at him.  Last time I'd been abducted, he'd acted like a complete rat bastard toward me, preparing to hand me over to Aizen or demanding my complete submission.  He wasn't asking for submission now, but had adopted an understanding, almost jovial tone. He'd slapped me when I bit him, and it had hurt, but I knew from past experience the slap could have been much harder and it was only one.  Usually there were more.   Instead of beating me to the ground for biting him, or slapping me repeatedly for my insults, he'd almost been kind, aside from the slap. And the teasing. And the lying.  When I punched at him, he'd held me to stop my fists from connecting and not responded with violence.  It reminded me of the early days, shortly after we met when he was interested and gentle in response to my sharp fear and distrust.  For some reason he wasn't trying to beat me, rape me or kill me.  What had changed?  All the same I wasn't being unreasonable.  I'd been abducted, again.  Did he expect me to be pleased?  Sing a song about the joys of abduction?  Do a little dance?
"What's happened to you?"  I may as well obtain one answer at a time.  At least it might change the subject away from my romantic dreams about Zaraki.
"It's okay," he said in his most soothing voice.  "I'm not going to hurt you.  I'll stay here until you calm down and then we'll talk."
Rising from the chair he went toward the basin, removed his stained garments, throwing them on the ground and washed off as much of the blood and other mess as possible from his skin.  Permitting me to see his torso was a mistake as I immediately compared his frame with Zaraki's, which only confirmed what I already knew.  I'm sure some women would find Gin attractive, I once had, but that was years previously.
As he washed his shoulder, he let out a slight hiss of pain.  I could see the wound.  It was ragged and deep and the washing was causing it to bleed once more.  The hand I'd bitten suffered much less damage, but looked sore and swollen.  Seeing these did not inspire me with guilt or any negative emotion as it normally might.  
"I'd forgotten how deeply you bite when you're scared.  It hurts."
A few memories of the rare occasions I'd bitten him in the early days returned.  Any time he'd tried to touch me I'd bared my teeth at him.  He quickly learnt that I would bite when I felt threatened and close proximity with people was one of my greatest fears.  
This time it had been my intention to hurt him as much as possible, or to do something to distract me from the pain.  Why did the antidote have to hurt so much?  The memories often hurt, but the physical effects seemed unnecessarily  excruciating.  I wondered who had designed the cure as it seemed unlikely that Retsu would develop an remedy that was only partially effective while causing the patient to be wracked by agony.  She didn't seem to delight in witnessing the suffering of others, but didn't all doctors have to watch patients suffer?  Did some of them enter the medical profession as it was a method of disguising their perverted interest in watching patients experience pain and the fear of impending death?
Why did Gin have the antidote and how?  What had he been promised?  It was almost like he expected me to be in a regressed state and had the antidote ready in case it was needed.  Why?  How had he known?  Only my Captain, Retsu, Hanatoro, Isane and Zaraki knew about it.  None of those people would have told Gin.  None.....
I gulped.  A condition that made a person forget and an antidote that caused extreme pain.  Suddenly I realised I regressed only when I'd slept after making love with Zaraki, except for the first time.  The first time I'd forgotten was after I'd been abducted previously and Retsu had the antidote prepared.  Was Retsu a traitor?  All this time, had she been spying for Aizen and the others?  Was that why she had conveniently failed to notice that it wasn't his body when he faked his death?  Had she been keeping Momo in a coma so she wouldn't reveal the events that had occurred?
Sex with Zaraki, followed by sleep was the formula for memory loss.  How could that even be possible?  It was the most stupid idea I'd had and it couldn't be true.  Sex couldn't do anything except bring pleasure, or if done badly, boredom or even pain.  It couldn't make you forget everything and regress to an earlier age.  
I didn't want to believe any of this, but the facts seemed to fit.  Did Retsu hate me and had developed a remedy which was only cured the immediate problem while causing unbearable pain?  She was pregnant, but not to Zaraki.  Was she jealous of my relationship with him?   Was she the person who had assisted Gin in the Seireitei?
I recalled her visit after I'd argued publicly with Zaraki in front of the Captains because of the slurs that the slug man had cast at me.  She had seemed very intent on making me see how much I loved my husband, but had that been an act?  All the words now seemed designed to make me accept a passive role in the relationship; to forgive all injustices out of love.  I'd done that once before and sworn never to act in such a foolish manner again.
These thoughts were making me very uncomfortable.  Maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  It was a lie to make me feel more on guard, but also more vulnerable.  If I thought I was pregnant any fight would be tempered by that awareness and may either add to my abilities or severely hamper them.  How would I react?
Thinking of Retsu as a traitor made me feel unsettled and off centre.  But anyone could pretend to be something they weren't.  Ichigo constantly pretended he was mature and brave.  Rukia tried badly to pretend she didn't care what her brother thought.  Captain Kuchiki tried to pretend he was impervious to feelings.  Toshiro tried to pretend he was older and more mature than me.  While one of them might be correct, he was still years younger than I.  Captain Fong tried to pretend she was indifferent to everyone.
I'd pretended the rape hadn't happened.
The pretence hadn't worked but I had then gone on to pretend my world hadn't been shattered and broken by two men.  Pretending so hard to myself and others but few had believed the facade because pretence didn't come to me naturally.  All the time I pretended I'd miserably relived the dreadful memories.  It hadn't ended until other men helped me heal.  I owed Renji deeply and felt guilty about helping Rukia rather than helping him.  At the same time, he would have hated being married to a woman who didn't love him and wished to be with another man.   If the marriage had occurred Rukia and Renji would have ended up hating each other.  
Clinging to that hope was a distraction from the current unpleasant reality.  Shut in a room with Gin who acted in a manner I could only dimly recognise, fear threaded through every thought as I waited for the monster to once more show his face as I was once more sentenced to a painful and humiliating death.  Would he try to force sex on me again, or would he be content with humiliating me before causing my death by whichever means he'd selected?
While worrying about those issues, I was trying to block out my suspicions about Retsu.  I liked her and trusted her.  She had always shown compassion and care, but Aizen had seemed like a caring person too, until I found out what he was really like.  Did each Captain wear a mask that hid their true purpose?  Gin's perpetual smile had been more effective than a blank expression in proving his indifference to me.  Were Retsu's kind smiles and words a carefully constructed facade to hide her desire for power and hatred for all Shinigami?  
Zaraki said I'd been dying and he'd urged her to try something new.  Had her actions been hastening my death and only his insistence had saved me from her careful plans?  If he hadn't been watching might I have died without ever speaking to Zaraki again?  I gasped softly as other events seemed to support my fear.  Retsu was working with the traitors; it wasn't the 12th Division Captain, though it seemed too hard to believe he was innocent or even attempting to help anyone except his own ambition.  Could this new idea be correct, or was it a side effect of the drug Gin had administered.  Until now I'd never had cause or reason to doubt Retsu.  She always appeared the most honest and fair of any of the Captains.
My teeth clenched with the recall of how Aizen had appeared above approach, always smiling, kind and gentle until he believed he had the upper hand or could act without anyone suspecting he was planning the betrayal of everyone he'd worked with, trained and pretended friendship with.  Could she be another such as he?  She was one of the longest serving Shinigami of a Division which received more scorn and derision than any of the others.  After the centuries, perhaps she had tired of being considerate of others and wished now to claim something for herself.  Reason shouted at me to put these thoughts aside as there could be no basis for these suspicions.  
"Who are you doubting now, Ran?  Which person has attracted your attention?" Gin's quiet question was loud in the silence of the room and shocked me from my increasingly upsetting thoughts.  He'd replaced the discarded clothing while I'd been lost in thought, but I only noticed in an abstracted way.
His words startled me and I turned my questioning gaze upon him.  What did he mean?
"You began doubting me within weeks of meeting me.  You didn't trust me from the beginning and I didn't try to change your mind," he laughed bitterly.  "This wasn't meant to happen."
Shaking my head I tried to reject what he'd said.  How could I trust someone who always walked away?  Who kept secrets and didn't even bother making excuses?  He'd saved me and I'd loved him.  Loved him with every breath even when he turned his back and left me again and again.  It may not be the same love that I felt for my husband, but the love had been tempered with disappointment, regret, resentment and fear.  Those conflicting emotions could only diminish love over time or make it seem less real and reliable.  Now I was faced with a man who seemed stripped of all the pretence I had come to associate with Gin.  I no longer loved him with the same passion and devotion, that wasn't possible with the bitter history between us and the acts that smacked more of hatred than love, but a trace remained, like the departing scent of dried lavender.  The spectre of the love hovered between us forcing me to be candid.  
"How could I trust you?  And you gave me reason to doubt you," I pointed out more gently than the words indicated.  
"I was trying to protect you." The simple, stark words caused the room to appear to ripple around me.
"Protect me?  You nearly destroyed me!" I finally said once the shock had passed.   The heartache I'd experienced when he rejected my love and deserted me had passed, but not the memory.   It was so hard for me to believe his words.  He hadn't helped me when Aizen raped me.  There had been the desertion once the mangled facts were presented to him by his former captain and I had been forced into becoming that pitiful person who shuddered from the touch of another.  The recent events in Hueco Mundo indicated more desire for my death rather than any form of care.
"You abducted me..." I began and then stopped.  He knew what he'd done and thinking about it made me fear the next act.  
Yet, he had offered me no harm since I'd woken aside from the slap.  There had been indications of care and even concern.  
"Ran, I can't change the past."  His spoke without the usual mockery.
"But... but you can make me forget it." Had I stumbled on the truth?  Some of the things he'd said when I was in the middle of memory loss made sense.  The thing about wanting the woman, not the child.  Did that mean he'd changed his mind and decided that he preferred me fully grown to the petulant child who didn't remember the harm and betrayal?  A child who was a mix between innocence and knowledge of the cruelty of the world, but who could not return adult love would be distasteful.   Was it his idea but then he didn't like the reality which was not a true reversion to the person I'd been, but a scattered collection of imperfect memories?
Retsu was working with Gin!  That could be the only explanation.  He wanted me to forget all the events which had torn us apart and managed to convince Retsu to help him.  It was the only possible explanation.  Gin still wanted me, but had hoped to regain the person  who trusted him and loved him without question, but the only way to make me revert to those emotions was to remove all the memories and feelings which had forced me to become a Shinigami, Toshiro's lieutenant and Zaraki's wife.  Also it removed all the experiences which had formed my vision of the world and the way I acted and reacted to each situation.  Under the influence of the drug, I wasn't me.  The memories did not completely depart, nor did the emotions and it would be hard to function in normal life with the memories stripped from me.  The subdued fear of becoming too young to speak or understand what was happening continued to hover at the back of my mind.  
Retsu wasn't my friend.
The wave of hurt that I experienced made me sag.   It appeared that all my beliefs were being questioned and that truth was a matter of debate and facts could be altered according to the time of day and the number of flowers blossoming for all I knew.  Retsu wasn't my friend, Gin was acting in a manner I didn't recognise and I was separated from Zaraki.  Did Zaraki even love me?  Was everything I'd experience a massive conspiracy to take me to the highs and then drag me as low as possible?  
"Ran, we need to talk." Gin was again interrupting my thoughts.
"I hate it when  anyone says that," I responded automatically.  It seemed a dumb statement because obviously one person was talking.  Yes, it drew the attention to the person speaking and made it appear they were serious, but in my experience, what followed was usually more unpleasant for the person to whom the words were uttered.  A survey of the room, looking for an exit so listening to whatever he had to say  might be prevented, revealed it hadn't changed since I'd first looked at it.  Walls, white.  Window, one.  Door, shut and probably locked. Gin, present.  Bed absent.  No bed.  Odd.  A table, some chairs and a lounge.  A lounge could serve instead of a bed and I remembered a few occasions when it had.  
My mind wandered into a small fantasy about Zaraki, me and a lounge.  It was beginning to get interesting when Gin placed his hands on my shoulders and the touch made the nice little daydream fade away and roused a feeling of revulsion.  I didn't want him to touch me.  
"Don't," I said as my hands pushed him away.  
"You like it when I touch you," he asserted with his usual assurance.
Sighing, I shook my head.  "Once I did.  Don't touch me again, Gin.  The time is past and anything I felt for you is a memory."
"A few short weeks, Ran.  Days really, and you've changed.  The Thug is a bad influence," he said lightly.
I laughed.  Zaraki a bad influence?  Showing me that love, marriage, friendship, good sex and respect were possible between a man and a woman was a bad influence?  "Yes, obviously a very bad influence," I replied mockingly.  
"He's changed you.  You weren't like this before." His tone indicated disquiet and wry amusement.  
"Life changes us all," the words were out of my mouth before I knew I was saying them.  "You changed after you met Aizen."
Instead of replying he simply nodded.  Agreement?  He agreed Aizen had changed him into a person I had trouble recognising?  
This must be a dream/nightmare.  In the worst moments of my despair over Gin I'd allowed my mind to present a situation similar to this.  A time where Gin appeared to care for me more than power and admitted the break in our relationship was due to him, rather than me.  Now it was happening, but at a time when there was no hope of re-establishing anything between us.  Recent events made trusting Gin impossible and there was the small matter of my marriage and love for my husband.  
"Yes, meeting Aizen changed me.  It changed you too," he pointed out.  
"Neither change for the better," I retorted.  "I like the way I've changed since being with Zaraki, except for the memory loss."
Did his smile become noticeably wider.  
"What do you know about it, Gin?  You can tell me.  It might help me to begin to trust you again."  Changing my tactics, I asked the question in a soft voice.  He'd said he didn't like the way I'd changed, so if I tried pandering to his idea of how I once was, I might receive the answer I wanted.  I was lying about trusting him, and I was bad at lying.  There was a chance he might notice.
"I don't know anything," he replied quickly.  Gin was far better at lying than I, but it was obvious he was doing so now.
I pouted slightly as I pushed my hair back over my shoulders and stood straight.  He gaze roamed reflectively over my figure and lowering my voice further and adding a little huskiness to it I tried again.  "I'd be so grateful if you'd tell me Gin.  Forgetting things makes me nervous and I don't enjoy biting you."
"Ran, you're as charmin' as ever.  The biting isn't my best memory of this time together."  He frowned, apparently trying to work out what he could tell me and the benefit it would reap.  
"Please Gin," moving close I looked up at him pleadingly.  Being closer to him made me feel uncomfortable, but if I received my answer it would be worth it.  
"It wasn't me," he said.
I'd never thought it was him.  I'd guessed he might be involved, but only since I'd encountered him on this occasion.  As the episodes had only begun after my treatment, it seemed obvious it might be the cause, but now there was another possibility.  
"Did it happen here?"  It was a struggle to keep my voice gentle.
A single nod.  
Something had happened while I was here last time.  Then I recalled Retsu had been with Zaraki and had given me something before our return to the Seireitei.  It was Retsu!  The sob that rose in my throat was suppressed and I took a deep breath.  
This was foolishness!  Why did I immediately suspect Retsu?  Gin, Orihime, Aizen had all had contact with me, as had the green eyed Arrancar, Zaraki and the rest of the rescue party.  Also I had been unconscious for some time when I'd been beaten.  Something could have been given to me at that time.  I avoided thinking about it until now.  Stripping and beating someone nearly to death when they were unconscious, was the act of a sadist and from the conversation I remembered, Gin had participated.  
"Who?  I mean who was responsible?"  I stepped a little closer, even though I didn't wish to, it seemed wiser.  "Was it Aizen?"
"Aizen is clever, but he didn't create the stuff you were given."
That only told me that he might have administered whatever it was.  The person who created it must also have the antidote.  If Zaraki were told, the antidote was as good as mine.  I was going to take a gamble.  "Did Captain Unohana create it?"
Gin simply smiled at me.  This time it wasn't possible to read his expression.  The smile could mean I was right, or far from correct.  
I was going to have to do something more.  Before I could think of what might work, Gin spoke.
"I'll tell you, Ran, but only if you do something for me."
The words were half expected but unwelcome.  Gin liked to receive some form of payment.  When we were together it had added a little spice to our relationship, but now the idea of what he might request made me uneasy.
Through lips stiffened by fright, I asked, "What is the something?" all the while dreading the answer.  
He moved his face inches from mine, his eyes still closed, but I imagined they were staring into mine.  "Kiss me. Willingly."
While the thought of doing so revolted me, I appreciated the payment might be considerably higher, like sex, divorcing Zaraki or joining the traitors.
 Kissing Gin. Letting his lips press against mine.  I thought it was possible.  But if he used his tongue?  No.  No tongue.  
I'd have to tell Zaraki I'd kissed Gin.  While it showed a lack of common sense to do so, it proved I was fulfilling my promise of honesty.  He might kill Gin.  What was I thinking?  He desired nothing more than to kill Gin and Aizen in some gory, painful and lingering manner.  And Tosen.  Why did I forget about former Captain Tosen so readily?  
Gin's face was still close to mine.  To provide some space, I stepped back.  "I'm married, Gin.  I kiss my husband."
My former lover pantomimed looking around the room.  "I fail to see the relevance of your marriage as the Thug isn't here. One kiss, Ran.  You kissed me in the past, often.  There were times I had to tell you to stop kissing me.'
Anger made my face flame.  
"I was teasing you each time," he quickly added.  "Teasing my pretty poppet to make the colour flare in your skin."
Was it true?  Did it matter?  "I see," was all the reply I offered.
"Well, Ran.  What is your answer.  This is a limited and once only offer.  One kiss and I tell you."
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A .N.
I have to retract my comment about Beyonce as I am using one of her songs for the Soundtrack.    You can probably see why it is appropriate to the story.
Yeah, the delay.  It was out of my hands.  Family problems snowballed and if any more emerge I might disown my family.
Soundtrack
'Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)' Beyonce.
'Bizarre Love Triangle (the Crystal Method Csii Mix)' The Crystal Method
'Shout and Bites' Versailles
'Hounds of Love' Kate Bush
Oh, yeah, thanks to Bastion and Ya-u for the reviews.
Review.  Reviews sometimes amuse.



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