Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Another Fate ❯ 6 months later... ( Chapter 2 )

Notes: yeah, so right after I posted chapter 1 it occurred to me that I had to do another chapter. And this story is fairly sad, just to warn you. After this I actually plan to write a Yamachi, which could be interesting. Hope you like this part…

Warnings (fairly standard): yaoi! yippee! Daiken/Kensuke! sadness! love! darkness! don't own Digimon!

6 months later…

Relationships can truly be one of the great marvels of the universe. A union between two people that results in such a sharing of souls that even if they were not before, they are sure to become the best of friends. Every intimate detail, the deepest of secrets, there are almost no barriers between them. Almost…

The past six months had gone by in a whirlwind of emotion for Ken. It seemed as though his greatest wish had come true. His dream lover had come to him. It was a fantasy made flesh. Every night as he drifted into the realm of sleep he thanked whoever had sent Daisuke to him. After all, what had he done to deserve such a precious creature? Such an angel? When he opened his eyes every morning he had to remind himself that it was real.

Six months. Six wonderful months. It was certainly not a lifetime, but they had not been shy about their intentions toward one another. Daisuke had told him one evening in an achingly tender moment that he wanted to marry him. Ken felt his heart soar at the very thought. Every look, every word from Dai made him feel so special, almost beautiful. Something beyond a simple look of love, it was a declaration. No one had ever made him feel like he was worth anything simply by watching him walk into a room. Daisuke managed it just fine.

Initially, they had been hesitant to sleep together- either because of previous experience or general shyness of having sex with their best friend. However, one night Ken had gone to Daisuke's apartment to find quite an overwhelming surprise. The night had been filled with shocking touches and deep kisses. They had some champagne and lost themselves in the bliss of passion. It felt like it lasted for hours when Ken finally cried out his lover's name and succumbed to both pleasure and the weight of the man above him, gravity pulling them back to the warmth of Daisuke's sheets. Everything had felt so perfect, so right. Daisuke had been so gentle with him, holding him close afterward whispering his love in Ken's ear. Ken felt his entire world change. The cruelty that he worried about so frequently lay dormant having finally found peace. Whenever they made love after that Ken could feel both of their hearts beating simultaneously in his chest. Their rhythm intoxicated him, and he knew Daisuke could feel it too by the way he would place one hand over Ken's pale, trembling chest the moment before he climaxed. Sex was most assuredly an event for them, something to be cherished and practiced with utmost care.

The rare times when they were apart, Ken would think about their relationship and wonder if something so seemingly perfect could last. In this situation he could not afford to waste time on optimistic daydreaming. As much as it hurt him, he had to be practical about the situation. Upon closer inspection he found a handful of problems, most of which he attributed to himself. Jealousy, though a formidable adversary, was not exactly the biggest of turn-ons. Daisuke was naturally a flirt and could charm both men and women alike- causing Ken no end of grief. He tried not to let the little things get to him, but every once in a while he could not keep his fear under control. And he had to, or he knew Dai would leave him. Not that it was something they discussed a lot. If an outside party watched them they would find no visible trace of any problems whatsoever. Day by day they would smile and hold each other close holding their thoughts and fears to themselves. Ken worried it would become destructive but when he mentioned it Daisuke waved the idea away. They were fine, no problems at all… right.

As more and more days went by Ken found that his beloved was getting stressed out from one thing or another. Try as he might, Ken was no help. His efforts seemed wasted, if not utterly unwelcome. To say it hurt was putting it mildly. Daisuke's tendency to push him away blinded Ken with both pain and the ever-growing fear that he was not good enough. The love he had for Daisuke overtook his own nature, preventing him from seeing too deeply into his love's mind. After the Jogress that brought them together, they had shared such a tight bond it felt that they were still joined for the first couple months. At night when the shadows were thick enough to taste they could hear the other's heartbeat and the whisper of their thoughts. It seemed a mystical connection strengthened by their emotions. But as time went on, Daisuke drifted away. Ken knew it was not something intentional on Dai's part and he wondered what he had done wrong.

Eventually, he felt his lover pull away almost completely. He stopped touching Ken, stopped kissing Ken, stopped everything. At that point Ken had blown a fuse and screamed at Daisuke, driving the point home that their relationship was something Dai had said he wanted. Ken was not just some fuck he could throw aside when he was done.

"Dai, what the hell is going on with us? Why won't you come near me?"

"It's nothing, Ken. I'm just busy lately that's all. You know how it is. Stuff on my mind, thinking of going back to school for another degree, you know."

"No, I don't know. Enlighten me."

It had not been a request. Ken felt a very calming stillness filling him. The eerie stillness was very familiar, like the return of an old friend. But, if this was the way things were going to be, then he was going to prepare himself for it.

"What are you talking about?"

"I touch you, and you pull away. I try to kiss you and you turn to the side and practically head for the hills. What the fuck is going on here, Dai-chan? You said you wanted this. You said you wanted me. Now, quit being such an asshole and act like it!"

He had watched as his lover started to comprehend the reasoning for his outburst. They stood facing off to each other, neither willing to give an inch.

"I do want you, Ken-koi. You've got to know that by now. It's just sometimes I'm not in the mood, you know? Sometimes it's just difficult…"

"We're in a goddamn relationship, Daisuke! A relationship you wanted! Stop being such a pussy and put in some fucking effort or this will never work!"

"Ken, calm down. You're not being rational-"

"FUCK being rational! Dammit, Dai… Why don't you care? Why do you keep treating me like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm nothing. Like this is easy for me. Like I'm some sort of burden you took on. Like I'm not worth trusting, or loving, or…"

When he started to cry he found that he couldn't stop. It hurt so much to know that Daisuke kept doing this to him. After all the time they spent together hadn't he proved he had changed? He was ready to accept parts of himself that he otherwise found frightening. Or even beyond frightening. It tested every measure of his strength to acknowledge that there was indeed an extremely dark side to him. Part of his personality that made him feel so ugly that no one could ever want him. A side that was entirely a part of him and not created by someone else. But he could not go through it without Daisuke's help.

"Ken, how can you say that? You know I love you!"

And he had only pulled further into his protective shell before whispering his response.

"No you don't."

That night was the first time Ken had ever seen Daisuke truly cry. It shook him in places so deep he had forgotten they existed. The core of his entire belief structure was tested- again, making him question both his place in the world and in Daisuke's life. Obviously, he was not worth the kind of love he had hoped for. Not that he had expected Dai to cast aside his entire life to devote himself to Ken, but he had thought that there would be some level of commitment. Instead he was being treated no differently than if he were just another one of Daisuke's numerous friends and acquaintances whom he flitted through and flirted with. It hurt so much to know that Daisuke did not love him the same way he cherished his angel.

They stayed up late into the night discussing their secrets. Thankfully through their Jogress they had been exposed to the darkest of mysteries about one another and had no awkward preliminary feelings in mentioning the topics. It had been a harrowing night. Daisuke had spoken freely of his own emotional quarries and mental struggles. For his part, Ken merely listened and nodded offering comforting words when necessary. A feeling deep in the pit of his stomach gnawed at him, reminding him that he knew exactly how these things felt. He had, after all, been the Digital Kaiser, an experience hard to top in its sadism. Part of him wept at the idea of being a sociopath, part of him argued that he no longer was- meanwhile the darkness in him laughed. Mania as genuine as his was not easily denied. Still, Ken tried his best to bite it back and be the support Daisuke needed.

After that fight things had changed. Daisuke treated Ken with more respect and certainly more admiration. The feeling made Ken happy, but part of him- in the dark recesses of his mind- whispered that it was not love, not what he deserved. He ignored the irritating cynicism, and things between he and Daisuke steadily got better. They talked about their concerns. Daisuke wanted another degree and Ken was already stretched to his limit studying law. Ken still lived with his parents and Dai had his own place, but he wasn't willing to share just yet. With grace and kindness in his eyes Ken only smiled and said he understood. And he did, but he also knew that it hurt. Little things, they kept building and building, waiting for Ken to notice them…

So many months later the sparkle returned to Daisuke's cinnamon eyes. Again they were lit from inside by a golden fire. And Ken forgot all about Daisuke's own brand of darkness. It seemed Dai forgot about the Kaiser as well. They fell into place beside each other again, once more whispering late night dreams of their future together. On some of the quietest nights Ken would still wake up with a violet shine to his gaze, a predatory look on his face. The beautiful young man in bed with him never saw it, but the possessive side still watched over him, over them. After their relationship started Daisuke had said he didn't care if Ken sat up watching him late at night as long as he didn't get creative with Dai's kitchen knives. Inside Ken laughed. Knives? Oh no, those would never do. Only a whip and a sufficient length of rope, please.

Six months they were together. It felt as though time had passed too quick and too slow at once. Thrilled that Daisuke was drawing closer to him again, Ken tried not to smile too widely as he walked to his lover's apartment. Hintings of a "special evening" had left him shivering in anticipation. Knowing his boyfriend that could mean any number of things. When he knocked on the door he was surprised as Daisuke simply swept him inside, pulling him into a deep kiss that continued as they crossed the tiny space to the kitchen. Ken was dazed and breathless when they pulled apart.

"Take a seat, Ken-koi," Dai's whisper was husky- full of promise. "Dinner is all set."

Ken sat, taking in the scene with genuine wonder. Candles adorned any surface they could without being a fire hazard, which was amazing given the constant state of chaos that was Daisuke's apartment. Their soft illumination cast light shadows around the two lovers. He watched as his host added some finishing touches to whatever was cooking on the stove. Fire- it seemed to spill from Daisuke's every pore. Whether it was the light of Courage or the sweet shine of Friendship in this most valued form did not matter. Breath catching in his throat, Ken felt his eyes wander over every inch of his angel. Simple genetics had given Ken a distinctly alabaster complexion, things were different for his lover. As though fire suited him from birth, or perhaps some group of gods somewhere had decided it would be his true element, his skin had a natural bronze tint to it. Not enough to actually be bronze, but enough to be highlighted very well in the right light. The effect made Ken melt into a veritable puddle of flesh on the floor.

"What's the matter, Ken? You look a little flushed. You feeling okay?"

Finding the ability to nod he tried to form a coherent sentence to go with it. "It's just you, being you. And being so incredibly fucking gorgeous I think I might jump you right now."

"Well, if that's all it… oh." It was Daisuke's turn to blush. Raising his cinnamon eyes he suddenly found himself unable to breathe. In the candlelight, Ken was a shining, iridescent angel. The whiteness of his skin in combination with the near perfect blackness of his hair stood out against the pale flames dwarfing them, making them seem insignificant. The small fan of dark eyelashes against the marble cheeks made him want to lick the worry away from the sad face of his love. When the indigo eyes were raised again he found that he was moving towards Ken without even thinking- it was instinct. A small tremble caught the sensual curve of Ken's upper lip, and Daisuke wanted to lick that too. Wanted to suck the delicate flesh into his mouth before moving his tongue to meet the familiar heat there. He wanted to taste the beautiful man at his side. When he knelt on the floor and placed one hand on either side of Ken's face all ideas of food were forgotten. Mouths met, tingling with a ferocious need. The candles in the room swelled with the heat of their desire.

Ken felt himself fall forward into Daisuke's waiting arms, mouths still together. Long, elegant fingers pushed through the mass of burgundy hair. At the same time he felt two skilled hands caressing his back underneath his shirt. The lips of fire moved down to his throat tracing a blazing maze across his ivory skin. Every sensation grew more and more as Ken felt the familiar desire lashing through him exploding every nerve from mouth to groin. The touches against him grew urgent and he was aware of being lifted onto the table as plates were pushed aside. Without any candles on the table to worry them the lovers quickly fell into a familiar rhythm. Ken felt his back arch against the body above him, crying out with desperate urgency. Daisuke met each writhe with his own twist of lust. He nipped and licked at the pale skin beneath him wanting his lover so badly he was sure one of them would die from need. Moving together they let clothing fall away as the sensations soared. The fire between the two of them expanded to fill the entire room. Daisuke was only aware of the powerful feeling of filling his lover, hearing his moans, their connection so deep it nearly shattered them. Ken had lost coherence long ago and did not think, only felt- felt his lover so deep that he could not tell where one of them ended and another began. Coiled around each other and moving in the most primal of dances they had never felt more connected. In that prefect moment they would promise each other anything if they could spend forever feeling the way they did then…

Sometime later when the candles had burned down to pools of wax or snuffed out completely they lay holding each other on the table. Each giving a contented sigh they murmured their "I love you"s in unison, smiling at their synchronization. Exhausted and spent beyond any point he previously thought possible Ken nuzzled against the bronze skin of his love's chest a moment longer before laughing quietly. "You know, I didn't think your table was sturdy enough to handle this kind of activity."

"I didn't think so either, but, hey, you learn something new every day," Daisuke pulled Ken closer. "Don't jinx it though. Why spoil the moment right?"

Indigo eyes rolled with practiced ease. "I'm just saying it shouldn't be able to hold both of us is all…" His words fell away as they both heard a small crack of wood before leaping up and safely away from the following crash of Daisuke's table breaking. Offering only a sheepish smile Ken bent to gather his clothes. "Well, you never did like the table."

"No, not really," Daisuke sighed, his afterglow fading to afterfuzz. He mussed Ken's hair and smiled when his boyfriend handed him his clothing seconds before kissing him, hard. Broken table forgotten he fell into Ken, the glow returning. As the feeling melted into sated happiness he asked, "What was that for?"

"You looked like you needed a little boost in the afterglow department," Ken said over his shoulder as he walked towards the front door to get his shoes. "Want to go out for dinner? I'll pay."

Pulling his pants on, Daisuke laughed. "Trust you to be practical. What gives? Usually you're completely wiped out after sex. And you don't have to pay."

"I have more money than you do, I'll pay," he replied. "And that was amazing, but it was like a recharge not an endurance trial." He watched as Daisuke buttoned his shirt, ran his hands through his hair, and tried to smooth the creases out of his pants. "You'll have to iron those- I'll do it, don't worry about it."

A sparkling grin. "You're so domestic. What year is this? I think I can iron it myself." There was a mild flash of annoyance in his words. Studying the man before him for a moment he felt his eyes soften, their love a gentle sheen of perfection. "Let's go get dinner, Ken-koi." Taking his boyfriend's hand he pulled him down to the street enjoying the look on Ken's face as he watched the city at night. A familiar ache filled him. They felt so right together that it seemed they were dependent upon one another for survival. Codependency was not Daisuke's idea of a good time, but he loved Ken. It was so hard to imagine things being different. All the times he said he wanted to marry Ken he had meant it. They felt complete together, but in the back of his mind he felt a small nagging that this was exactly what he had feared all along. Turning away from Ken he felt his eyes flutter quickly to blink away the forming tears. No, he could do this. Ken loved him no matter what. But why did it feel like he had lost something? Pulling his smile back into place he dragged his love to the park. Ken loved to go there at night- the lamps on, the trees whispering as wind rustled through them.

He pulled Daisuke to a stop at some point along the path and wrapped his arms around him. Ken let his head fall onto his lover's shoulder as he closed his eyes, imagining the tender sparkle of cinnamon as Dai looked down at him. They could stay like that forever and Ken would be content. Inner turmoil was but a distant memory, the grip of the Kaiser merely a gossamer thread of sound echoing through his past. The peace he had desired for so long was granted to him, soothing away his fear. As long as Daisuke was in his life he could face anything. As long as he had Daisuke to love he would be okay. Strong arms lifted him as his angel spun them around amidst the trees. Laughing together, kissing, sighing, they both felt everything was perfect in that moment. And deep in his heart, Ken knew it couldn't last…

~~ this year's love had better last,

heaven knows it's high time

I've been waiting on my own too long

and when you hold me like you do

it feels so right,

I start to forget how my heart gets torn

when the hurt gets thrown

feeling like I can't go on~~

Days later Ken was in the library, nose in a book, ass-deep in research he really had no desire to do. Rubbing his temples he fought off a building urge to either rip the book he was studying to shreds or burn it- it was a tossup as to which he would actually do. He certainly was not about to read any more. What he needed was a healthy dose of Daisuke. He had been MIA since their… table escapade at his place a few nights before. Stepping out of the library he felt the warmth of the day touch his face, cuddling him close the way he knew his lover would if he went to see him. Before he got any further his cell phone rang making him stop as a gentle smile lit his indigo eyes.

"I was just thinking about you," he was still smiling.

At the other end of the conversation, Daisuke sounded nervous. "Yeah? That's cool. Um, Ken can you meet me at my place? I need to talk to you about something."

The world started to crumble in on his happiness. "What is it? Is there something wrong?" Panic dug into him instantly giving way to something much more familiar. Violet light flickered through his eyes.

"No, nothing's wrong. I just needed to talk to you about something."

Taking a breath he tried to calm himself. "Oh, okay then. I'll be there in a bit. Love you."

"Yeah, see you." Almost as an afterthought Daisuke added, "Love you too," then hung up leaving Ken staring at his phone.

He hated panicking. It made him feel weak. But as he walked to Daisuke's apartment he felt helpless as a thousand possibilities flew through his mind. Surely he wasn't leaving him. They were so happy together. Okay, so maybe it was not exactly the ideal of domestic bliss, but… Daisuke loved him, right? He wouldn't leave him, would he? Ken bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling as if he were some kind of weak, pathetic… no, he wasn't weak. And he wouldn't cry. He wouldn't. By the time he reached the apartment Ken had convinced himself that this was nothing major and everything was fine. Somewhere in his mind he hear a snicker. Yeah, things were great. He buzzed Dai to let him in and waited, surprised when his lover came down the stairs to greet him.

"Hey, Ken. I wanted to talk about this down here if you don't mind?"

Ken nodded feeling numb as the two of them sat on a bench on the main walkway to Daisuke's building. "What did you need to talk to me about, Dai-chan?" He never used the term of such endearment without clear meaning.

"Look, Ken, it's just… I love you, but I… I…" his words trailed away as his beautiful eyes lowered to study the concrete sidewalk.

"You what? Come on, Dai-chan, I rushed over here because you said this was important and I-"

"I can't do this anymore, Ken." There. He'd said it. Daisuke felt like dying, or that he already was, from the inside out, but he needed to end this.

"You mean us?" His question was soft, an edge of sorrow working from his vocal cords.

Cinnamon eyes studying his friend, he swallowed around the mound of cotton that he felt he was gagging on. "Yeah, I mean us."

Ken nodded and was silent for a few minutes before he looked at Daisuke's face. He felt tears in his eyes, but the anger in him was burning them away. "Why? Just tell me why. I think I deserve that much."

Somehow he had known Ken would ask that but the carefully prepared answer he had ready was forgotten. The reasoning seemed foolish at that point. "It's just too much, Ken. I need some time to figure things out about my life. There's a lot of shit that I still haven't dealt with and I need to," he paused to place a hand on Ken's shoulder, "but I need to do it alone."

Denial. Refusal. This was unacceptable. "I thought we were helping each other, Dai-chan." He drew in a sharp breath at the response.

"Don't call me that."

"So then what am I supposed to call you? I've called you that for years, I don't see why I should have to stop now." Violet ice skated through his eyes with searing pain. "And I thought we were helping each other."

"This is something I need to do on my own, Ken." Daisuke bit his tongue to keep from using the affectionate nickname he was so used to using. Koi… He was so beautiful it made Dai want to weep. Instead, he went through emotional lockdown.

"I just don't understand this. Everything was fine three days ago when we had dinner and… everything. Is there someone else?" The very thought broke his nerves, shattered his bones.

"No, there's no one else," Daisuke said, voice soft and full of condescension. The tone someone would use to bring a child back to reality after a horrible nightmare. "I've been talking to Hikari and Takeru, and they shared their thoughts on our relationship." He noticed Ken's wince at the names.

"Oh? And praytell, what wisdom and insight did the Angels of Hope and Light have to offer when they haven't even seen us together and they don't know anything about our relationship?" Of course it would be those two telling his Dai-chan to leave, filling his mind with poison so they could keep him to themselves.

A distinct note in Ken's voice made Daisuke hesitate. He knew that sound- cold, arrogant, angry. "Well, they've heard what I have to say. The way I feel… Ken they don't think it's very healthy for us to be together and I agree with them. I mean, I'm just too fucked up and I've got a lot of shit going on right now. This just isn't going to work. Please, try to understand." Pride made it hard for him to beg, but he knew he had to or Ken would never let him go.

"So, from what you've told them they think we're a shitty match. Of course neither of them really like me so it isn't like that's some big shock." Shaking his head he gave a bitter laugh. "I do understand, Dai-chan. But that doesn't keep this from hurting." Smiling at his angel he fought off the overwhelming urge to start sobbing.

With his eyes full of crystalline tears and the shaky smile on his face Ken looked so endearingly remarkable that Daisuke couldn't help but grin. "You know, you're cute when you're pissed off."

That was all it took. Without even thinking about what he was doing Ken felt his head snap up, his eyes narrow, and watched as his open palm connected with Daisuke's right cheek. It was a solid blow, snapping Dai's head to the side and leaving a stinging trace on Ken's left hand. Almost immediately a scarlet welt blossomed on the young man's cheek. Ken watched Daisuke's eyes liquefy and spill over. He all but spat at the Chosen of Friendship and Courage. "Fuck you." Standing to leave it occurred to him that what he had just done probably knocked some sense into Daisuke, but he needed to cool his anger before he could speak. Or he would call his old friend a lot of extremely unpleasant things.

He wandered for a while, crying so much he could hardly see where he was. Stumbling out of the stream of pedestrian traffic he fell. Minutes, or perhaps hours later he realized that he was sitting on a sidewalk somewhere in Tokyo, sobbing. A feminine voice reached out to him through his mental fog.

"Ken? Is that you? Oh, shit you look terrible! Come with me, we'll talk about it." The voice was as gentle as the hands that pulled him up, steadied him, and guided him through the swarm of people.

Some part of Ken's brain clicked with dim recognition. Sora, the first Chosen of Love was guiding him towards… somewhere. "Where are we going?" His voice was gritty- sand and broken glass filed his throat.

"We're going to my place," she replied. Filling her voice with motherly comfort she told him everything would be all right once they got him some tissue and a nice cup of tea. Girls always knew how to handle this kind of problem.

It made Ken happy that Sora was the one who found him, not Taichi or Jyou- though they could have their girly moments.

Once they were seated in Sora's living room he felt his sobs quieting. His breath hitched in his lungs as he finally explained his breakdown. "Dai-chan… Dai, he left me. He left me. I don't understand. I thought he loved me. He said he did. Sora, I was so sure he loved me… so sure…" his words dissolved into a few more painful sobs. Ken heard some faint murmurs of comforting words, but they were fuzzy. The most he could feel was pain- the kind that washed away all other senses and left him numb. Finally, her words started to sink in.

"Daisuke does love you, Ken. He's just scared that's all. Stereo-typical male behavior. It's a common phobia exhibited by all men." Her words were laced with the weight of experience.

"Phobia?"

She nodded, dead serious. "Commitment phobia. Symptoms include selfishness, irrationally juvenile behavior, excessive machismo, and overall stupidity. These symptoms are often accompanied by an urge to prove that the male in question has the largest penis in a five mile radius."

He couldn't help but laugh by the time she was done. "That sounds about right! That's Dai all over," he chuckled a while longer and wiped away the remaining dampness in his eyelashes. Sighing he accepted a cup of tea when offered and proceeded to tell his story. Sora nodded and made a few faces at some of the remarks said by both Ken and Daisuke… "And then I just left him there, crying like he had actually realized what he just did, wishing he could take it back." Ken took a deep breath noticing how much it hurt. He must have cried more than he thought.

Sora's expression was grim, her honey eyes a reflection of disappointment. "Well, you could have left things better, Ken. But, in all honesty, I think Dai was being a complete prick. I have to side with you on this one and say hitting him was probably a good idea. At least you didn't kill him." She thought for a moment and winced. "Not that you're like that…"

"No, it's okay. I have to deal with it eventually right? I know you didn't mean anything by it, Sora, so stop looking guilty over there." Draining the last of his tea he found it had cooled considerably while he was talking. "I know I'm not exactly the most humane person but I am working on it, contrary to popular belief." At her questioning look he amended his statement. "Contrary to whatever the fuck it was Takeru and Hikari told Dai."

She frowned, not liking where this conversation was headed. "You should talk to either Daisuke or to TK and 'Kari. You need to find out how everyone feels about this. The Chosen operate under a group mentality generally thinking the same things. We all act differently, but we're usually in agreement about whatever situation confronts us."

Ken thought over this for a moment. That would explain why every single blessed Chosen seemed to think he was the spawn of the Devil. However… "Do you feel the same way Takeru and Hikari do about me?"

Without hesitation she shook her head. "No, Ken. I've seen into your heart and I'm well aware of what lies there. You're intentions are pure, but it's hard to follow through with honest actions when those around you won't give you a chance." A brief silence followed her words before she met his indigo gaze. "You must be either really angry with TK and 'Kari or you must not like them at all if you always use their full names. It's a habit of yours to be formal when you're upset."

"So you've found me out," he gave a wicked grin. "And no, they aren't my favorite people in all the world especially right now. That theory about group mentality makes some sense though. It does seem as if the Digidestined are always in agreement about things."

Sora gave an elegant shrug and poured them both some more tea. "It's Koushiro's theory. He told Mimi who tried to explain it to me. I think I've got the gist of it but you might want to check with Kou-chan to be sure." Before Ken could protest she added, "And he does like you. If you haven't noticed he's not one to follow mainstream ideas."

Setting his cup down he rubbed his tired eyes and pushed his hair back from his face. "Indeed. He does have that tendency to think outside the box. I'll talk to him at some point." Sparing a glance at the clock on the wall he stood and stretched. "I've got to go but thank you for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me." Stooping he gave Sora a hug and whispered in her ear, "You really do love everyone, don't you?"

She nodded before whispering back, "And you've been nothing but kind to everyone. Don't worry, Dai will come around."

~~ turning circles when time again

it cuts like a knife, oh yeah

if you love me, got to know for sure

cos it takes something more this time

than sweet sweet lies before I open up my arms

and fall losing all control of every dream inside my soul

and when you kiss me on that midnight street

sweep me off my feet

singin' ain't this life so sweet? ~~

They sat staring at each other in some kind of ridiculous face off. Indigo and cinnamon locked in a heated battle to see who would break first. Loser had to buy dinner…

Two weeks since Daisuke had succumbed to cowardice and ken had decked him to wake him up. Two weeks of trying to be just friends and nothing more. Two weeks without any kisses, or intimate touches… Ken was about to lose his mind if he couldn't taste that velveteen chocolate mouth.

"HA! You blinked! Sweet! You have to buy dinner now, Ken," Daisuke crowed and sprinted down the street.

Keeping to his reserved nature, Ken only rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say…" It was so difficult to not kiss that attitude away and bring Dai to his knees the way he knew he could. He watched the fiery young man spin on the sidewalk, waiting for his companion. Waiting for him. He had missed this so much. Blinking quickly, Ken heaved an overly dramatic sigh and grabbed Daisuke's arm. "Come on you jackass before all the restaurants close. I swear you could stare at the sky all day and be content. Simple pleasures for a simple mind, I guess." The little cracks helped. Sora had been a genius to suggest that one. Dig in a little every time and it'll help make the hurt start to fade.

Lost in thoughts he never saw the flash of hurt on Daisuke's face.

"Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot I was out with the genius of Tokyo," the words were full of scorn and had a bitter aftertaste. Tearing his arm from Ken's grip he shoved his hands in his pockets and sulked his way down the street.

To say Ken was tired was an understatement. He was sick of playing games. He stopped and fixed a heated stare on Daisuke. When he tried, Ken could make his eyes burn with indigo fire. Watching his ex-lover he knew they were probably blazing with lust. He spoke in a sudden rush. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me, Daisuke? How hard it is to see you and not kiss you or touch you. To try and flirt with you like there was never anything between us. To watch you watching all the people walking by us and studying them as sexual objects."

Daisuke had enough sense to blush and keep his eyes locked on the ground. "This isn't easy for me either, Ken. You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now."

Shaking his head, he laughed- a sharp, clear sound. "You're the one who walked away from us remember?"

That got a reaction. Cinnamon fire rose to meet indigo. "Yeah, well you're the one who slapped me."

"And you deserved it." Hands firmly on hips, Ken challenged Daisuke to see if he could deny that he had earned his punishment. He could feel his eyes growing cooler, the quietness of cruelty lacing through him. Ken actually laughed when Dai took a step back from him, disbelief plain on his face.

"Ken, are you feeling all right?"

"Never better, Dai-chan. Why do you ask?" Though he was fairly sure he knew.

"You're looking pretty Kaiser-ish about life over there. Thought I'd check to make sure you weren't about to beat the shit out of me or anything." A careful guard slid behind his eyes, a brief change but Ken noticed.

He shook his head clearing away any traces of glacial violet. "I didn't mean to scare you. But that's what you get for pissing me off." Closing his eyes Ken tried to regain his composure. It was so tempting to slip back into that whip wielding mentality and claim what he knew was rightfully his. To tie down the bronzed creature standing beside him and make him writhe. Oh yes…

"Ken?"

Opening his eyes he felt better. He pushed away his bondage fantasies and smiled in his gentle and unobtrusive way. "I'm fine, Daisuke. I didn't mean to frighten you." He snickered at the face his friend made.

"You didn't frighten me, Ken. I could kick your ass any day of the week." Something in his tone belied his words. Even Daisuke didn't believe that he could win a fight with Ken. What it all came down to was who was more comfortable with their psychotic side, and while Ken had never exactly embraced his it was a far cry better than Daisuke's outright denial of it's existence. Hard to be comfortable being a psychopath when he didn't want to admit that he was one. Well, maybe not a genuine psychopath, but he could have his moments. And Ken definitely had his.

"Come now, Daisuke, you don't believe that any more than I do," Ken grinned and stepped closer. Lust sparked between them. Talk of darkness, no matter how vague they tried to be, always ignited something between the two of them. "Just one kiss, Dai," he whispered. "Just one kiss won't hurt anything."

Daisuke swallowed and tried to control his body. He knew what Ken was saying wasn't true. One kiss would do a lot of damage even if Ken could walk away from it, which he doubted. One kiss would put them back where they had been two weeks before. One kiss… sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. He looked into Ken's eyes seeing the desperate plea knowing his own eyes probably looked the same. Tilting his head Daisuke leaned forward the same moment Ken did, eyes fluttering closed.

The moment their lips met it was sealed. Pulling each other close they moaned together. Ken wound his arms around Daisuke's neck doing his best to remain somewhat civilized while making out public. And damn if that wasn't a difficult task. Daisuke clutched at Ken's shirt, barely able to not rip the material or claw at the delicate skin under his hands. Managing to break away they stared into one another's eyes not separating the embrace. They both wanted it but neither wanted to ask. After some amount of time full of questioning looks and small noises of desperation Daisuke whispered into Ken's ear…

"Come home with me."

~~ this year's love had better last

this year's love had better last

so who's to worry if our hearts get torn

when the hurt gets thrown

don't you know this life goes on?

won't you kiss me on that midnight street

sweep me off my feet

singin' ain't this life so sweet? ~~

Things seemed better. Ken obviously felt better with Daisuke in his arms again. It began in a flurry of sex and soon dissolved into something much darker. Ken felt it happening but was powerless to stop it. At first he thought everything was okay again. Daisuke would talk to him about things, even mention his emotional struggles but after a while Ken noticed something was missing. It took a while for him to place but he figured it out.

They were having a picnic in the park both too quiet and introspective to both with conversation. Ken mulled over the possibilities and concluded that he had to speak up or he would never say anything. And they would fall apart all over again. "Dai-chan?"

He looked up at Ken instantly seeing the apprehension on his face. "What? You okay, Ken-chan?"

Lips pulled into a firm line he tossed aside his first question. Why did Daisuke only call him "Ken-chan" when before he had always been "Ken-koi"? He sighed and decided it was worth it to lie a little. "It just seems like there's something bothering you and I wish you would tell me what it is." When his angel frowned he gave him the sweetest smile he could muster and asked, "Is everything okay with us?"

"What? Oh, yeah, of course. I mean… I don't know, Ken." Sitting up in one smooth motion from where he had been lying on the ground he draped one arm over his knees. Thinking about how to word things he carefully summed up his feelings. "I just didn't think we were getting back together like this after that night…"

Oh that hurt. It hurt so much. "You mean after you fucked me? You mean you thought we were just going to screw like rabbits and then you could throw me out in the morning? Because I'm just some whore for you to come to when you need a good fuck so you can get your rocks off and feel better without having to worry what I might think?!" By the time he was done Ken realized he hadn't become hysterical, but deadly quiet. Pain swallowed by the numbness in him caught in his eyes making them water and threaten to spill over.

"You said just one kiss…" Daisuke knew it was a weak excuse. He looked away from the utter shock on Ken's face.

"Right before you asked me to come home with you. Right before you whispered how much you wanted to make love to me- to make love with me. Right before you held me close and told me you loved me!" Grabbing the nearest thing he could find- an orange- he threw it at Daisuke. "You fucking asshole! I don't believe you! How could you just fucking lie to me like that?" Launching himself at Daisuke he was caught in his lover's arms trying to squirm free as he sobbed. "I wish I could hate you. I really wish I could hate you."

"Please, Ken," Dai held him tight. "Don't get so upset. I never lied to you. Ken, I love you so much, and it scares me sometimes, okay? I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship, like I'm defining my life by it. I can't do that." By that time Ken had stopped struggling and was crying into Daisuke's shoulder. The soft words of explanation seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"Daisuke," he whispered. "I know it's scary. I know it's confusing as shit but I thought I was helping you get those things straightened out." Pulling back he pushed his hair out of his face as it clung to his cheeks, stuck with salt. Wiping his nose he let out a watery laugh. "Wish I had some tissue." Where was Sora when you needed her? Composing himself, Ken sat looking into a soft pair of brown eyes. There was nothing there- no pity, no sorrow, nothing. "Why are you hiding from me, Dai? Why won't you let yourself feel anything anymore? It seemed like you were opening up to me before but since we got back together you've been so closed off. Why?"

"It's easier that way sometimes, Ken-koi." Drawing in a shaky breath he reached out and pulled the weeping beauty into his arms. "I'm scared," he whispered. It was the truth. He was terrified Ken would hurt him, would judge him, would overwhelm him so completely he would lose his sense of self. "Let me work on it?"

Relief flooded him. He was so afraid of losing Daisuke that he had been holding his breath without realizing it. Smiling a tiny bit he felt things might finally be getting better. "You know I will."

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Better… Things were supposed to get better. It would be nothing short of a miracle if they could. One year they had been together- their two week split was counted as part of their relationship according to Daisuke. Still, not eternity but a year was impressive given their problems. At first things got steadily worse. They were lost in a fog of hormones and maybe that was what made it all seem like such a good idea.

Sex was a heavy factor in the relationship between Ken and Daisuke. Not because of past experiences but because of the value they both placed in it. Ken saw it as one of the greatest gifts he could give Daisuke. It was one of the things that separated Ken from any other person in Daisuke's life because they shared that intimacy only with each other. However, Ken wondered if there had been something in the air for a few months. On a whim he had bought a pair of handcuffs, as a joke, to give to Daisuke. When his love opened the gift he had gone very quiet. He had blushed then and confessed that he still fantasized about Ken tying him down and… and… They wound up fulfilling Daisuke's wish. It had been a crazed night. Seeing Daisuke cuffed and helpless below him gave Ken a heady rush of power, reminding him that he could be very dominant when he had to be. At the end they had both been screaming and a little bloody. The next morning when Dai rolled over in his bed he had given Ken an unobstructed view of his back- red marks trailed everywhere, some had split open again while he slept and were still bleeding. Ken had apologized profusely saying he would understand if Daisuke wanted to throw him out and never see him again. The Chosen of Courage only smiled as if held a secret Ken could never fathom and pulled Ken close as he was trying to get his pants on and leave.

"Don't go. Please stay and make love to me again. I'll even call you Master…"

It all went downhill from there. The next few weeks were filled with Daisuke tied, Daisuke begging and pleading with his Master, sex that left them both weak, bloody, and still wanting more. They ignored all the work they had to do, stopped returning phone calls, and spent hours wrapped around each other screaming from pain and pleasure. It seemed they could not go far enough, hard enough. Their days were coated with the sweet smells of liquor, sex, and blood. Insanity kept them from eating each other alive.

One night as Ken was working in the library he stopped and began to cry. The silent flow of tears expanded when he got up and ran to the men's room locking the main door behind him. Huddled in a ball on the floor he wept knowing he had forever destroyed Daisuke. The innocent Chosen of Courage and Friendship, the first to forgive his sins, the beautiful angel he had loved for so long- ruined. He went to Daisuke's apartment and sat his lover down explaining his thoughts to him. Morning found them clinging to each other as they slept, as though if they let go they would die. It took a lot of work after that but they managed to heal whatever psychological wounds their bout of sadism had left. Ken took it much harder than Daisuke. He blamed his cruelty for letting things get so out of control. He should have known better. Somewhere inside him the monstrous part of him slept like a well fed lion, content with it's meal.

They were able to go back to their routine that had seemed so mundane. Ken cherished it then, knowing how hard it must have been for Daisuke to come to terms with what had happened. But something began to change again. As they settled down to clean up the mess they had caused Daisuke pulled away again. So, Ken changed. He wore cologne that he knew Daisuke liked, wore the clothes he knew his lover liked to see him in, did everything the way Dai said he wanted things to be done. Chiding himself for any mistakes he quickly corrected the miscalculations- always, he did everything he could to make Daisuke happy. All he ever wanted was for his angel to be happy. What Ken had done to him could never be forgiven. Never.

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Ken ordered food he knew Daisuke liked. Gave his precious love his undivided attention. Hoped that someday he would know forgiveness, would be held in those arms again. One year they had been together. It didn't take long for Ken to understand that it would never matter what he did, Daisuke would never love Ken the way Ken loved him. He met a few other people who expressed mild interest in him and he pushed them away. His relationship was one-sided but he would never cheat on Daisuke. Ken told himself he being foolish, Daisuke loved him. In his own way…

But he stopped touching him. They hadn't slept together since that last time when they began to try and heal. Not that Ken hadn't tried. Seduction seemed pointless- Dai never responded. More weeks went by and Ken noticed Daisuke was back to not kissing him again. Every so often there was a peck on his cheek or a casual hug, but nothing more. Ken was only a friend. He understood that much. But it hurt in a way he hadn't thought possible. There was nothing he could do to make himself worth loving. In the future there might have been other lovers waiting for him but he couldn't imagine Daisuke not being there. Not being in his life. Daisuke was his best friend. He knew more about Ken than any human or digimon alive should have ever known. And Ken knew as much about Daisuke. Not that he always understood, but he tried.

And it wasn't enough.

On their anniversary all they did was fight over petty things. And it killed something in Ken when it happened. He cried himself to sleep every night for a week after that. His family kept smiling, unaware of his heartache. Sora, Mimi, Koushiro, and surprisingly Jyou all told him it would be better if he left Ken. They had been saying that for months and finally Ken began to agree. As painful as the idea was he had to let go- something he had known from the night he and Daisuke had last been together. Bitter ice coated his heart. It wasn't the old cliché that if he let something go and it came back it was his all along. It was simply giving up. Letting go of Daisuke when he had been so sure that they loved each other, when he had almost felt like he was worth something, when Daisuke said he wanted to marry him. Drowning in his ocean of tears, Ken drew from whatever source he found within and found the strength to go through with it.

"Dai, are you happy?" Ken carefully watched the reaction feeling his heart twist when his angel smiled. They stood in front of a café, about to go inside.

"What?! Of course I'm happy. I'm going to go back to school and get an English degree, and I'm getting a scholarship. Why wouldn't I be happy, Ken-chan?" His smile faltered when he saw Ken's eyes.

There it was again. He was back to being Ken-chan, which meant Daisuke was already thinking about ending things.

"No, I meant are you happy with us?"

"Oh," the energetic man bit his lip. He could have lied, but there was something different in Ken this time. They had talked about the future often enough and it always seemed to illuminate Ken in a way nothing else could. He loved him- his gentle Ken-koi, from his genius to his nasty sadistic streak. But he couldn't give himself up to total devotion when he had no idea who he was. "It's hard sometimes," Daisuke replied, voice hushed. "I love you-"

"Dai, don't," Ken cut in. "Just don't. I know you said you had things you needed to work through, and I should have listened. But I didn't, and I'm sorry. You said… we both said a lot of things about the future and I'm sorry about that too."

"You breaking up with me, Ken-koi?" A startled edge crept from Dai's throat.

Koi… Dammit why did he have to do that? Why did Daisuke always know exactly the right thing to say? Steeling his nerves, Ken closed his eyes. "Yeah, Dai, I am. We both know this isn't working out. I love you more than anything, but we can't…"

"I know, Ken. I wish things could be different." Daisuke pulled Ken close, crying with him. No matter how hard they tried, it could never work while so much still hung between them. "I'm sorry."

Ken smiled into Daisuke's shoulder and whispered, "Me too."

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

Close friendship was hard to go back to, but they tried. Little by little it seemed they were making progress with only the occasional flurry of hormones to distract them. They saw each other regularly and would cuddle together- holding, but not kissing. Ken almost fainted from exhaustion after their first outing as "just friends" when he couldn't kiss Daisuke the way he wanted to. A kiss on the cheek didn't cut it sometimes. After a few weeks Ken explained all of his reasons behind the breakup, still not entirely certain that Dai was aware of how much he understood. Maybe someday he would realize.

Until then they flirted and teased and Ken tried not to let it hurt him. He still woke up expecting to see Daisuke smiling at him, kissing his nose, and bugging him for some food. On the plus side he was opening up again- letting Ken into his heart. When they stayed up into the whee hours of the morning talking about whatever they could think of he thought Daisuke was sounding better. Healthier. At least he never mentioned Hikari and Takeru anymore. Occasionally, Dai would whisper to Ken how hard he was trying and Ken would smile and kiss his cheek to congratulate him. Dreams of Daisuke filled his sleep making him wonder if they could both ever change enough to be together. Their matching heartbeats often lulled Ken to sleep at night and morning would find him with tears in his eyes as he looked at one of his pictures of the two of them. Maybe someday they could work things out. If not, perhaps Ken could share his Kindness with another, should he ever find someone.

Maybe…

Someday…

~~ this year's love had better last ~~

*************

there's an epilogue to this too. The song "This Year's Love" belongs to David Gray. Hope you liked this. I know it's sad.