Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Young Man's Heart ❯ Losing My Nerve ( Chapter 3 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Rogue13

Gather close and listen to the mistress
Took a little while to get this one out. Been busy lately. I was also a little stumped in places for this, but here it is. Enjoy. The story is going to begin to pick up soon and I'm still not sure just how far it shall go. *smirks* Pretty far, I think. Be prepared for some serious messed up stuff.

Now off to your nightmares, my dears

Shinedown

"All I Ever Wanted"

I lie here alone and wonder why
That I come alive, just before I half to hide.

Because I believe I'm losing my nerve
But could I ever do better than this

Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam

I listen if only for a while
But I can't decide if I'm aware that I'm on trial

Because I believe I'm losing my nerve
But could I ever do better than this

Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam

If there's a way to a remedy then lead me straight to it
If there's a path or a door I missed , then show me now, show me this

Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home
To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I'm gone
All I ever wanted was a place to call my own
Where stars may dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam

feel free when I am gone

Warnings - Some language. The juicy stuff hasn't really started yet.

Losing My Nerve

He woke to the harsh reality of life and pain. His whole body was in pain and, for the life of him, he couldn't understand why. He tried to shift, to roll and alleviate the discomfort somewhat, but when he tried to move he realized that he was unnaturally weighted down and just couldn't manage the feat. He felt so weak that even if he had the will to force himself, it would have been a struggle. So, instead, he just lay there in pain with his eyes closed, trying to will the hurt away. That certainly didn't work. The pain only worsened as time went on until he began to yearn for some outlet, something, anything that would just make it go away. And the futility he felt was so frustrating that it made him begin to lose his temper.

In short, when consciousness fully surrounded Gohan, he was one grumpy demi-saiyan on the wrong side of the bed.

It didn't help that his throat was so dry that he couldn't speak.

He opened his eyes and saw strange pink walls and a white ceiling with florescent lights running through the center. And…perfume… He wrinkled his nose at the overwhelming smell of it. 'Where the hell am I?' He turned his neck to look around the alien environment and saw flowers. Flowers everywhere. 'Ugh, no wonder.' But turning his head alerted him to a tightness as the muscles on the left side of his neck protested mightily at being used.

He tried to move his neck another way in order to loosen the knot but that only ended in a surge of pain through his left side. Turning back to his left with difficulty, he finally saw what had weighted him down so much before. His shoulder and arm was set immobile by a splint and a mass of bandages.

The past events of the catastrophe at the pharmaceutical company came back to him with blinding speed, but the image that overwhelmed all the rest was the face of the boy he had killed. Gohan's head fell back on the pillow and he closed his eyes tight, trying to dispel the horror, but that only made the picture clearer, more real, more…dead. He pried his eyes open and searched of anything else to look at in the hopes that it would drive that image away. That is when he saw that he was in restraints. His right arm was held to the metal bedrail with a soft, padded, velcro cuff. He pulled on it weakly as if to reassure himself that he wasn't seeing things. Nope. He was tied to his bed and he was too weak to do anything about it either. There were three more straps pulled over his body securing him and his legs down to the mattress. That was a little more than disconcerting as well. The beginnings of panic were starting to bloom through his still hazy mind.

Did they know? Did they…know what he did? Did they think he was dangerous and *needed* to be tied down like this?

He looked around the room searching for more clues. All he saw was the normal hospital "get well soon" surroundings provided by loved ones and friends whenever you got sick. Nothing hostile, nothing unwelcome, nothing suspicious… Except those legs there… Gohan tried again to stretch his neck up so that he could see whose body those legs belonged to, but he couldn't do it and the person stayed hidden behind an impressively large bouquet of flowers.

Gohan realized that his breathing was hitched and his heart thudded hard in his chest, both from exertion and from nervousness and his lack of control over the situation. Anxiety flooded his body with endorphins making him even more susceptible to the pain radiating from his shoulder, from inside him, more precisely. He opened his mouth to try and get the person's attention but all that came out was a dry rasp. He worked his tongue, trying to build up some moisture, but there wasn't any on his tongue either. He tried again, wanting at least someone to answer him, to reassure him, to tell him what had happened, what was going to happen, just to talk to him at all. Just to distract him from the awful things swirling around behind his eyelids. This time, what came out was more of a croak and still had very little resemblance to the "hello?" he had been trying for. The cruel scratch that it made as it passed through his windpipe pushed him past communication and into mortal danger of choking to death on his own tongue.

He began to cough and each rasping bark sliced his dry throat even more. His chest clenched as his lungs struggled for air, un-heedful of any of his personal problems at that moment, causing the pain in his left side to triple and roll through him like the sharp spike of a maniac jamming a twelve inch ice pick into his body.

But at least it got the attention of the person dozing next to him.
Too bad he no longer cared that they were there.

"Gohan?? Gohan, are you alright?? Gohan! Shush, you're going to hurt yourself!"

If he had been able to, he would have snarled incredulously back at the person, whose voice was familiar but he couldn't quite place at that exact second, "Shush your fucking self! I'm dying here!" But all he could do was cough and tug ineffectually at the restraints that held him down so well.

"Here, Gohan. Shhhhh, here, drink this… Drink some water, Gohan. Try and get a breath…"

He couldn't see anymore, his eyes tearing up while the wracking coughs took over all his higher functions, but he felt something against his lips and he did as he was told, drawing desperately on the straw. The results were not much better when he inhaled water down his windpipe. 'Aw Kami! I should just give up now and die! It would be better than prolonging this horrible agony!' His mind grumbled sarcastically as hands tried to tilt his head up so that he wasn't drowning in his own suddenly plentiful spit.

But finally the coughs subsided and he got some water down his throat the right way. The whole incident had taken whatever reserves of energy he had left and he didn't even have the will to be angry anymore. He just lay there, limp and miserable and in pain beyond anything he'd ever felt before.

"Gohan… Gohan, honey… Speak to me. Gohan? Are you ok?"

Slowly, Gohan opened his eyes and looked up at Videl's worried face. She smiled in relief, reaching out and stroking his face lightly with her right hand. He didn't want to be touched. His sensory perception was already on overload from the pain radiating through him. Her happy yet concerned features had no effect on him at all except to cause a bleak irritation. He didn't offer her the slightest smile or return her concern as was his normal routine. It would take far too much effort to fake it at the moment.

"Why…" He croaked then swallowed then picked up the fallen question again, just a pinch of hurt and worry carrying through in his voice. "…am I tied down?"

Videl's eyes flashed to the restraints and back to him before flashing away again as if she didn't want to look him in the eye.

"Well, Gohan. When we heard you were in the hospital, your family and I, well, we came to get you." She stopped and he thought that she wouldn't continue, but finally she did. When she continued, she looked back at him in confusion and accusation. "When we came, you acted like you didn't want us here, like you thought we were going to…hurt you or something. Your dad had to hold you down or else you would have torn off everything holding you here and you looked like you would have run away."

Gohan frowned, trying to fathom what she was saying. Time seemed so strange and trying to think back before the moment he woke up was like fishing through a murky pond for a shiny coin. He remembered…remembered… "What…" He froze when, in the midst of his brain wracking, he felt something thud on the bed next to his knee. He looked down at his secured legs and watched as something jerked oddly under the white blanket. "What the hell is that?"

Videl grimaced oddly. "That's a tail. Your dad was actually kinda excited when he saw it. He tried to touch it and then you just went nuts."

Gohan stared limply and the hidden appendage stopped moving. "My tail grew back?" He could remember that, it hurt so much and now he recognized just what that particular pain had been. He'd been having a nightmare…and all those voices talking all at once, yelling, yelling at him, at each other, all the chaos…and the pain…and then hands…hands on his poor tail…hands holding him down…hands trying to hurt him…and then… The doctors and nurses must have heard the ungodly ruckus that his family was making and come and made them leave. He remembered the soothing voice of that nice doctor making him feel better. All at once Gohan snorted, a dark look flowing over his features.

"It's little wonder I have nightmares the way you all storm around screaming and yelling and…touching..."

Videl glared, insulted and taken aback by the tone of Gohan's raspy voice. "What?! We wouldn't even be in this mess if you'd just taken a damn sensu! I can't understand why you refused. Why, Gohan? Why did you refuse our help? Did we do something? Damn it, Gohan! Don't be so childish with something like this. Take the damn sensu first, then you can be mad at us!"

He'd refused a senzu? For a moment he was confused again. Why in the world would he do that? Anything was better than the horrible all encompassing agony that he endured while this woman yelled at him.

"ChiChi was so hurt. How could you do something like that to your own mother? Honestly, I don't know why she takes these things, from you *or* your father. You've got a great mom there, but neither of you appreciate that."

It came back slowly. His mother's voice, so concerned, so worried. But he'd been so peaceful and collected. Everything had been so clear and he had refused…because…yes. It made sense now. Not perfect sense…things weren't as crystal clear anymore, but after some silent consideration, Gohan decided that, yes, he would stand by his earlier decision. That this pain…might just be worth it. It would only last for a little while, right? He wished that he could regain that calm peace of mind that he'd had earlier. It had made everything so much easier, so much clearer. And Videl kept on berating him and now his father too and it made him feel guilty and it made him want to turn away but he couldn't because he was tethered down. He had to endure the lash of her tongue when he was already dazed by everything else piled on his ruined shoulders. A small but sharp voice popped up in the back of his mind. 'Why do *I* take things like *this*?' The reply was simple. 'Because I have to.' The voice replied without a pause and that made him actually think about it. 'No I don't.'

In an attempt to draw her attention away from reprimanding him and also in the hope of gaining some relief, he tried to change the subject. "Videl…could you get a nurse for me…please…it really…hurts."

Videl scoffed. It wasn't a surprising scoff. She was very good at scoffing, always had been. Got it from her father, Gohan assumed. "If you just took the sensu then it wouldn't hurt. Just take it so we can go home already."

That stung and Gohan closed his eyes, but that action immediately transported him back to the scene of his crime where one blue eye and one red eye stared at him in horror. It brought sudden stinging tears to his eyes which opened quickly to stare up at the florescent lights on the white ceiling. If they were so annoyed with him, if he was such a burden, then why the hell were they here? They didn't have to be here, he would have understood if they left. It would probably be better that way. He was a disgrace and a failure and a disappointment. They should all just go away instead of witnessing the full glory of his worthlessness.

"You don't have to be here." He whispered, his voice rasping for reasons other than his dry throat. "You can go home. Just go home."

Again, Videl was taken aback, but angrily this time. Damn the female psyche, it is much much more than an invalid in a hospital could ever take. "Gohan! How can you say that to me?!"

"Could you please get a nurse, Videl." He asked again, trying to avoid the row that was coming.

"No, Gohan! You want me to leave? Is it so wrong for me to care about you?! I'm worried, Gohan! That's why I'm here! You can't just tell me to go away!"

Gohan wasn't in any condition to deal with this and that voice way deep down in the back of his mind kept saying that he didn't have to. So, unlike his usual self, which he concluded could be put aside for a little while since he was in such an extraordinary situation, he actually listened to that little voice for once. He knew that there was a call button somewhere around here…if he had a free hand he could find it and get a nurse.

"Could you untie me, Videl?" He asked in a small voice that barely made it past her angry posturing.

That's when the sarcasm started. "Oh, I don't know, Gohan. You might run away from the evil monster who sat at your bedside all night waiting to see if you were alright."

'Why does everything I say lead to something terrible?' He sighed internally. All he wanted was some relief from the nightmare that he was in. 'That's what this must be, a nightmare. I'm stuck in a nightmare.' Well, if this was a nightmare, then it really wouldn't matter what he did, it would all end up badly anyway. Throwing pride and self control and courtesy to the wind, he used his last resort.

"Hello?" His throat cracked so he swallowed and tried again, managing to get a little more volume this time. "Hellooo? Is there a nurse around?" He called, his voice almost echoing into the hall. Videl spluttered and glared angrily, absolutely aghast that Gohan would do such a thing, yelling over her as if what she was saying wasn't in the least bit important. Plus, he was making her look bad.

"Hellooo, anybody? Please…could I see a nurse?"

"Gohan! Hush! This is a hospital! Stop yelling!" Videl hissed at him in disbelief.

"Yes?" A white and red clad young lady stuck her head in the door. "Can I help you?"

Gohan smiled in relief, so happy that there was *someone* here in his nightmare besides Videl. "Oh, yes. Thank you. I'm sorry about the noise…" If he could, he would have stuck one hand behind his head as he laughed nervously. "Could you please help me? It really hurts…" He pleaded with that bright smile still in place. "If I could move, I'd probably be writhing in agony. Please…?"

The candystriper's eyes widened from the oddly contrasting expressions on Gohan's face. "Oh! Yes, I'll get someone right away. Don't you worry. Just be a moment." Then she was gone and Gohan finally felt he could relax a little. It would go away soon…that's all he wanted.

Meanwhile, Videl was simmering, but at least she was doing it quietly. It was a minute before she spoke up again and her voice was icy cold. "Fine, Gohan. I'm going home. When you've gotten better and in your right mind again, you can come find me." Then she turned on her heel and stalked out of the room. Gohan watched her go. It hurt, watching her walk away, but it was better this way. It hurt just as much to have her stay and he was already hurting too much. He lay his head back and just concentrated on breathing, trying to endure the fire that was expanding through his body from his shoulder.

A few minutes later someone came into the room and Gohan turned his head, only to blink in surprise. The man from urgent care had come, bringing with him a little plastic box with some plastic wrapped utensils in it. The man smiled kindly and Gohan felt worlds better just because of that. "Hi there. Gohan, right?"

Gohan smiled back, his lips only a little crooked from the pain. "Yeah. I didn't think they sent doctors to deal with the less serious patients."

The man smiled. "Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm an orderly. I do everything around here. I haven't gotten my degree yet."

That actually made Gohan happier, knowing that he'd get to see this nice guy instead of dealing with someone like that other doctor who was so sharp and terse.

"So, Gohan, how do you feel? Been a rough time, I know." The orderly sat down in the chair that Videl had exited.

"It hurts…" As if in punctuation of his statement, Gohan shifted the tiniest bit and sharp shooting pain lanced through him. The word "hurts" trailed off in a hissing squeak and he tugged instinctively at the shackle on his right arm, trying to reach for the pain. Huffing in frustration, Gohan went limp again. "Do I…have to be tied down?" He asked quietly, expecting his worst fears to be realized.

The orderly smiled reassuringly and set down his box, reaching down and un-strapping Gohan tenderly. "No, of course not. It's just that you were a bit excitable after surgery and we didn't want anything to happen to you. I think you'll be fine now."

The bonds were gone and with them went part of Gohan's anxiety. Then the orderly took a package from the box and opened it to reveal a shiny syringe. "A little pain is normal after undergoing the kind of surgery that you had. Maybe a little more than just a little, huh?" He looked sympathetic and Gohan nodded weakly.

"Yeah…if this is a little…damn. I feel like I'll never move again." Gohan grumbled, watching as the orderly injected the contents of the needle directly into his vein. "What is that?"

"Oh, it's a little something to dull the pain and help you to ignore it. We're not supposed to use too much, but after what you've gone through, I think that you've earned it. You should feel it start to work pretty quick."

And the orderly was right. Already, Gohan could feel that familiar warm numbness flowing over his body. "Oh…that's morphine, isn't it? I remember that from the ambulance… I like that stuff…"

The orderly laughed. "Yeah, just so long as you don't like it too much. I saw that girl leaving. She your girlfriend?"

Gohan was staring at the ceiling, the drug already bringing with it that peace of mind that he so wanted just a few minutes ago. He smiled wistfully, letting the stuff take over quite willingly. "Her?" He paused and let that little voice in the back of his head come out as it so rarely did. "To tell the truth…I don't know what she is. But she's definitely her father's daughter."

"She looked pretty mad. Definitely one that you want to skirt when you see her coming. At least, that was my impression when she passed me."

Gohan shook his head, remembering all the things she had said. It gave him a brief stab of guilt and sorrow, but it didn't really stick. That inner annoyance did, though. "She can be mad if she wants to be. She'll get over it. If not…then I guess she won't."

The orderly laughed again. "A good philosophy. A very good one where women are concerned, at least. Now, you aren't going to try and wander off, are you?"

Gohan chuckled. "Nope. I won't try to leave. I think I'm quite content right here and I don't think I'm going anywhere soon, anyway, right?" He looked up at the orderly, that wistful smile deepening a little. "You've been really nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you."

The orderly smiled brightly again and patted Gohan's good shoulder. "You're a nice guy, Gohan. I can tell. Sometimes all we need is for someone else to extend that courtesy."

Gohan nodded sagely and then another question popped into his head. "Did they really put a metal bar in my shoulder?"

The orderly paused and picked up the chart at the foot of the bed, flipping through it. "Ah…I see…" He came back to Gohan's side and trailed a slim finger along the collarbone of the demi's still good shoulder, stopping just before the shoulder joint. "This bone was shattered by the bullet as it entered. It entered at an angle…and exited here…also part of the scapula had to be repaired here. The surgeon had to replace most of the collarbone and reinforce it up to here…" He moved his finger up past the midpoint of the bone almost to the center of Gohan's chest. "And he had to replace the ball joint of the shoulder here and then reattach the tendon to the bone lower down here..."

Gohan watched that slim, finger trail over his bare shoulder, only just realizing that he wasn't wearing a shirt. It *would* be kinda hard to get a shirt over his left shoulder the way it was bandaged, he thought vaguely. "That…sounds like a lot of work… It would have been easier to just take it off…" Gohan felt himself starting to slow down again. It was so…relaxing. Very welcome after his usual high strung state of being. "When I first looked at it…in that tile room…I thought it *was* gone."

The orderly squeezed his good shoulder. "No way. We're capable of such great things now. Just you wait. In a few months, you'll be good as new and you'll be glad that you still have it."

There was a scuffle at the door and the orderly turned to see what it was. There at the doorway was Goku, peering in uncertainly. "Hi."

The orderly smiled warmly at him. "Hello, Mr. Son." He turned back to Gohan, smartly removing the needle from sight. Wouldn't want another "Son episode" like what happened earlier when the young demi had to be restrained in his nightmare. Goku had nearly taken the wall down when he'd seen the syringe. "I'll be back to check on you in a while, alright, Gohan?" He gathered up his little box and headed toward the door. Just before leaving, he stopped to speak softly to Goku. "I've given him something for the pain. He might be a bit…fuzzy, but otherwise he's fine. He's a strong boy." Then the orderly was gone and Goku walked hesitantly over to the bed.

There was a slight discomfort in Gohan's stomach which he couldn't quite figure out. When his father was close enough to look down at him, he realized it was a very numb and distant feeling of dread. 'Huh, strange…' He looked up at his dad silently, taking in the hesitant stance and expression. It was the same kind of stance that he gave to ChiChi after being gone with no word for a week or when Vegeta got all pissed off and reamed him for some reason.

"Hi, Gohan. How ya feelin?" He asked, his normal cheerful smile not offsetting the restraint that Goku was obviously feeling.

Gohan thought about it and realized that he wasn't in pain anymore. He felt heavy and a little tired but not really. The biggest change was that the horrible anxiety had eased. "I feel better."

"I saw Videl, she seemed pretty mad."

Gohan rolled his eyes, feeling pleasantly free suddenly. He would have shrugged if he could. "She's always mad about something. Just like mom. Maybe the two of them should date and leave me out of it."

Goku blinked and took a moment to decide if he had actually heard that right. "Er…" Then he laughed, scratching the back of his head. "You know…I wonder if they'd be happier…" Then he shook away the strange picture and looked to his son again. Goku's eyes landed on the bandaged portion of his shoulder and side. "Sure seems like a lot of damage from such a tiny thing. I couldn't believe it when I heard. *Are* you ok, Gohan?" He sat down on the edge of the bed.

Gohan looked away. He didn't want to look his father in the eye. He didn't want to tell him yet again that he'd failed, that he'd let down his guard to the point that some human with a human weapon could harm him. "I'm sorry, dad." He whispered. The feeling of a hand on his chest brought his eyes to his father's. Goku was smiling at him but Gohan could still see the worry in his eyes.

"Everyone slips once in a while. It's normal. Sometimes I hold too much back when I spar with Vegeta and he gets me good every time. You can't always predict what's gonna happen in a fight. What counts right now is that you're ok."

Gohan could feel the tears come and he closed his eyes, feeling them slip down his temples and into his hair. "…dad…" He was surprised that his voice was as strong as it was. He didn't feel that strong. "I killed him. I killed the kid with the gun. Shooting me was the last thing he ever did. I crushed his throat with my hand. I felt his spine crumble. I can't get his face out of my head."

"Gohan… Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do. Five people were killed by those guys in that place and you stopped them from hurting more." The voice was soft and patient.

Gohan shook his head, not caring about the sharp stab it caused. "No, dad. I caused it. I made them panic. I caused those people to get killed because I was there. It's all my fault. I… I won't do it anymore." Gohan finally looked back at his father. "Dad, I never wanted to be a fighter. I never wanted to be a hero. I was never cut out for it. Everyone knows that. I never asked for this power. I'd give it to you in an instant if I could. You're the hero, dad. Not me. I don't want it anymore. I can't handle it. I'm not made for things like this. I… I'm sorry… I tried…I'm sorry I can't live up to what you want."

Goku paused for only a moment. "Gohan… You should get some rest. You've been through a lot. Things may look different after you've healed some."

The earth raised Saiyan wasn't sure what to think. He was worried about more than the fact that Gohan had refused a senzu. He'd done that himself before, wanting to heal on his own or because the wound just wasn't serious enough to warrant one. Gohan's wound was serious enough to warrant a senzu, but he would respect his son's wishes to heal unaided. What concerned him was the fact that Gohan had been wounded so severely by something so insignificant. It wasn't completely surprising, Gohan had lost his nerve in battle before. It was something that Goku always kept alert for in their battles, something that he always tried to be there to offset, to give his son the strength or encouragement he needed because Goku *knew* that Gohan could do it. It was Gohan who always seemed to forget what he was capable of. Gohan had forgotten yet again…and it had almost killed him this time.

Goku knew that his son had been having a difficult time over the years and it just seemed to grow harder for the boy. He could see the pain in his son's eyes and in his body language. He knew Gohan wasn't happy and hadn't been for some time. But he hadn't the foggiest notion just what to do about it. Just like his wife, Goku just couldn't figure out what it was that they needed. Goten was simple. Even Trunks was easy to understand. But his wife and first born were a mystery to him at times. He used to get along wonderfully with Gohan back when it was just training, when it was fishing on the river and enjoying the freedom and peace of nature. Some of his best memories with Gohan were of the time before Cell when they had just gone away together to prepare. That time seemed so far away now. As Gohan grew older and his life became more complicated, they had grown apart because Gohan had other things on his mind like school and work and mates and Saiyaman and…whatever else it was that he obsessed over so much. It also didn't help that Goku had been dead for seven years.

But right now, this seemed a little more serious than the angst of a child growing up. Goku felt that it reached much deeper than it seemed or than Gohan let on. But Gohan was a big boy. He'd tell them what was on his mind when he was ready. Goku didn't think he'd give up on Saiyaman or on his heritage. It was a part of who Gohan was. He couldn't walk away from that. He just needed some time to sort himself out. So Goku didn't really take all that he said seriously. Most of the things that everyone else took so seriously pretty much slid off Goku. Like the killing. When Goku was young, before he learned restraint to go with his power, he had killed any number of people. They'd all been bad guys and had all tried to hurt him or those he cared about and he'd killed them with no remorse and little thought. Innocents were different, they did nothing to warrant being killed. But the people he'd fought and who Gohan had fought, he felt no remorse for them. He had a much more liberal view of things like that than most did and, anyway, he knew it would all work out. It always did with time.

Everything would be back to normal soon. Surely it would. He smiled at his boy reassuringly and ignored the unsure feeling that made his brow want to furrow as he looked down at his distraught and depressed boy.